5 Years Alcohol Free and I Realize It Was Day One That Mattered Most.

I took my last sip of alcohol five years ago. At the time, I didn’t know it was my last sip. I didn’t even know my name because I was blacked out drunk. It was pumpkin beer, my first of the season, and something that I longed for all year long. A favorite thing of mine. But by the time I got around to drinking it-there was no savoring, no taking it all in with the fall atmosphere, no clicking my bottle with special cheers as I felt grateful for my life. Instead, I was just swaying around, slurring gibberish, and making no sense. Man, I really wasted my last sip.

Days went by and I didn’t know that it was my last sip. I was still feeling the effects of my hangover and I hadn’t even come close to thinking about what was next. I just felt this deep pit that I would later learn (thanks to Liz Gilbert) meant not this. I can only describe it now as an aching exhaustion, maybe even despair. I knew I did not want to feel that way anymore. I couldn’t face the anxiety, the body aches, the shame, and the regret. I couldn’t keep up with the “Look at me, I have it all together” lie for another second.

I didn’t want to be “sober” though. I was like a child who throws herself on the floor because she wants a popsicle but only if its purple. Blue won’t do. I tried so many other ways to wrangle my way out of having hangovers, getting too drunk, and experiencing blackouts while still drinking. So when I had the last sip, I was not convinced.

A few days of not drinking went by and I wanted to go to sleep and wake up 5 years sober. I hated the thought of being new at something. I didn’t want to fumble, mess up, or fail. I didn’t want to have to struggle at social gatherings, or tell people that I wasn’t drinking, or face one bit of the hard work. I just wanted to be there. That place where alcohol was no longer the main subject of every single thought. The place where it wasn’t the only topic. The place where I would be able to for sure, 100%, positively know and feel confident that I was going to do this not drinking thing. A place where I could live a life alcohol-free.

Today, I am at that place. I have lived five whole years without another sip of alcohol. I’ve faced social gatherings. I’ve had the talks. I’ve come out (really freaking out) about the fact that I don’t drink and why. It was a lot of hard work. Exhausting at times. But a different kind of exhausting. Not the kind that I felt five years ago when I was aching for something different. The kind that you get after a long day’s work. Hard but finished. Being tired from work is easier than being tired from a spinning shame cycle.

As I reflect, I realize that I didn’t need to be “good” at being alcohol free. I didn’t need to be better at it, secure in it, or “crush” it in order to live this way. The thing that was most important in solidifying my success was starting. It wasn’t the five years that was going to count the most. It was day one. It was the willingness to start something, to go for something terrifying. I read a quote once that said something about how you build confidence by practice and failure. In other words, you don’t build confidence in doing something new by laying awake all night and thinking about it. If I had waited until I felt confident that I was never going to drink again I would still be blacking out on Tuesdays while parenting my kids.

Five years was never the most important time. It was always day one.

When I was newly sober and I read posts from people who had quit drinking five whole years ago I thought there was no way they could understand where I was coming from. They were already so good at it, they were beyond it, above it. They were done. While, some of that was true, I am way over alcohol now after 5 years, a lot of it was not. I still have to do the work. I still, five years later, have to explain to someone new in my life that I don’t drink. I still have to remind myself that checking out with a buzz would not be better than deep breathing-even though I really f’ing hate deep breathing. I still wonder “would this be more fun if I were drinking?” but then quickly remind myself that if it’s not fun without alcohol then it’s just not fun. Alcohol made it tolerable. There’s still a lot of work and alcohol plays a huge role in our society and therefore a role in my life whether I want it to or not.

Most importantly though, after five years it never gets old. Waking up without a hangover is still just as good as it was back then. Going to a party and leaving with the ability to use my legs, drive a car, and remember what I said the next day is still remarkably satisfying. Being of sound mind at all times, while not always easy, is such a gift that I can’t get enough of. I’ve never once taken for granted how much better my mental health is. I still cry in gratitude that I have peace in my life. The fact that I don’t drink alcohol is still one of my favorite things about myself. It’s not something I’m ashamed of or that I wish I had a better handle on. I’m glad things weren’t going so well for me or otherwise I would have never known this life existed.

I guess as I celebrate today with my bubbly AF concoction and my tears of joy I won’t be patting myself on the back for how far I’ve come. Instead, I’ll hug myself tightly for starting to begin with. It was always day one that mattered the most.

About Last Night: Confessions of a TEDx Speaker

The show started. I was standing backstage awaiting my turn while doing all of the coping techniques that I had planned to have in case I needed them. I needed them. I was EFT tapping while reciting to myself “I am safe. I am calm.” I took giant deep breaths while holding my arms over head and then dropping into a forward fold. I eagerly prayed to God to move through me, make me a channel of peace, step up and take over, while pleading for the words to come. I ignored the other people around me and chose to forgo any kind of image in order to attempt to release some of the terror and anxiety that I was feeling. I looked insane.

I heard my name, “Welcome Samantha Perkins.” As I walked on stage it occurred to me that not only was I going to be speaking but I was going to be speaking against something that most people love. A topic that might trigger people, that most would disagree with, or not understand. I thought back to the note that my son had given me that said Mom, Good Luck Talking About The Downsides of Alcohol. In that second, as I stepped onto the red dot, I realized that I might need more than luck.

I took deep breaths. I began my speech. I walked around the red dot like a dog nesting before a good night’s sleep. If I stopped moving the words wouldn’t flow. I was sure of it. So, I kept moving and the words, they came one after the other mostly like I had practiced. My voice wasn’t too shaky. I didn’t blank. I said what I came to say. As I walked off the stage I felt the most relief I think I’d ever felt.

I took my seat in the audience and got to listen to the other speakers. I no longer cared about my talk and instead had the luxury of being a listener looking for inspiration. Afterward, there was a reception. I felt overwhelmingly tired, as the adrenaline wore off I considered laying down right there to sleep. I left early.

As I walking out, one of the audience members said “Here she comes. Hide your drinks.” There were drinks there. Of course, there were. I thought this was funny and I laughed. I said “No judgement. You do you” with a big giant smile. You see, I knew that he was not my one. My one was out there though. They always are. The person who drinks casually, who has never once mentioned it being a problem out loud but who thinks about it constantly. The person who is looking everywhere for that one story, that one person, that one incident that will tell them that their relationship with drinking is coming to an end but has no idea what this means for them. I know this because they message me. Strangers, for years, have reached out telling me that that one sentence I said, that one chapter, or that one post help put them on a path. It’s why I get up every morning and write about this stuff. It’s why I put myself through the agony of being seen and heard. As an anxious person, being vulnerable can be terrifying.

But I was once, the one. The one who found Holly and then so many more women who would plant the seed, then teach me the way. I was looking around every corner, under every rug, between every crevice hoping to find a solution a giant struggle that mostly took place in my head. A silent battle that only I knew about. So, using my voice and my words to help others is my duty. It’s not like I always love doing this stuff. The TEDx talk almost took me down with nerves, fear, imposter syndrome, and the heavy weight of putting my story out there in under 7 minutes. I’ll pay it forward though, over and over again. I’ll put in the endless hours of work and stress with little to no repayment of any kind in hopes that I can be there for someone in need. As I’ve said before, if not for strangers on the internet, my life would be compteltely different. To think that I might still be drinking, fighting, battling with so much unnecessary struggle had it not been for a few stories that someone was vulnerable and willing to share. How did I get so lucky?!?!

Thank you for coming to my TEDx talk.

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Who Am I Without Alcohol?

Are you one of those people who is always trying to figure out why you are the way you are? 

I am. 

But I haven’t always been that way. 

When I removed alcohol from my life in 2018, everything changed. 

I changed. 

Back when I drank, alcohol decided my actions. After the first sip, the rest was uncertain. I never knew what was going to happen when I drank. This presented many negative consequences and put me in more questionable situations than I can count. But I did it anyway. Each time hoping that nothing bad would happen, yet also knowing that I’d “deal with it” if it did. My drinking was always more important than the potential negatives it could bring. For years this is how I went through life.

I was a binge drinker from the start. When I began drinking in high school it was harmless. Yes, I found myself in bad situations back then, but young people make mistakes, right? Making mistakes is the only way to learn. Unfortunately for me, it took another 16 years before I figured it out. Throughout my years as a young adult, I put partying at the top of my to-do list. Because of this, I never learned who I was. I spent no time trying to figure myself out. Heavy drinking caused me to lose the ability to control anything around me. It caused me to lose control of myself. Control is a skill that I am still learning how to master. And maybe I never will. Maybe we’re not supposed to master any life skills. What if we're only supposed to be at least average at what we think is perfection?

Once I accepted that alcohol was to blame for many of my mistakes, I was able to start moving forward. Learning about who I am without alcohol gives me comfort when shameful thoughts about my past come to the surface.

I crave to be in control, and I know that I’m not alone. Many other ex-drinkers I’ve talked to seem to have similar issues with control. It’s funny, isn’t it? For so long we think we're in control of our drinking. Yet we’re ingesting a substance that by nature causes us to lose all control. 

Alcohol does a great job of doing what it’s intended to do. We use it to relax, or to let loose after a long day. And for a while, it works. If Alcohol was on staff at a major corporation it’d be a recipient of the employee of the month award. 

Alcohol – FIVE STARS! Would drink again!

You get my point. 

Now, let’s skip to the good part... 

After I went alcohol-free, I became in full control of my thoughts, my feelings, and my body. This was a new feeling for me. I had no idea this part was coming. For me, removing alcohol was like uncovering a new layer of myself that I didn’t know existed. 

I know it sounds silly, but at age 32 I started to grow up. I’m so thankful for that. So many people go through their entire lives not knowing who they are. They spend their days doing things they think they need to do. Many people aspire to have someone else’s life. The grass always seems a bit greener on the other side. For so long this was how I moved through life. I was surviving. 

Now that I don’t drink, I’m thriving. 

I am much more aware of the things happening around me and of myself. This newfound self-awareness is great in most situations. Many times I find myself irritated about the way something happened or didn’t happen. I get upset when things don’t go as I thought they would. But, I am in control. I’m the one calling the shots for my life, and that’s powerful.

Sometimes I wonder, If I’m in full control of myself, then why am I always striving to be in control? 

I don’t have an answer for that, but I’m working on it.

And what’s great is that I don’t have to have an answer. 

Quitting drinking doesn’t fix everything. But it does allow me to start working on the things that need fixing, and for that – I’m thankful.

Blair is an alcohol-free wife and mom from Minnesota. She works full-time outside of the home, and also does freelance writing. She is a writer for Rochester Mom, a parenting resource in her city. She is also a contributor for The Sober Curator. She's a tall introverted homebody who loves cheese and watching reality television. You can find her creating content on Instagram, on Facebook, and on her website.

Blair Sharp

Writer

I’ve Been AF for 4 Years. Here’s What I’ve Learned.

Four years ago I was looking at a blinking google search bar.  I typed in “am I an alcoholic?” and filled out an online questionnaire that confirmed I was not. I then typed how to stop drinking, rehab near me, how to stop drinking if you’re not an alcoholic, famous people who don’t drink, do Mormons drink, how to become a Pentecostal, and finally cool people who don’t drink. 

That’s when everything changed.  A blog popped up sharing story after story of a girl who didn’t drink anymore.  I had to take the words in slowly because my head was still pounding from dehydration and my hangover was not subsiding at all. I wanted to stop.  I didn’t want to drink anymore. I hated feeling sick, anxious, and hungover but I just couldn’t see a world of mine that didn’t involve alcohol.  It was just everywhere, with everyone I knew, and I didn’t want to have to be the only one who didn’t drink. I assumed I was all alone.  Well, me and this girl’s blog I had just found (Holly Whitaker).  We, she and I, were the only two women in the world who hated drinking but loved to drink and wanted to stop but didn’t know how because we weren’t alcoholics and people just don’t stop drinking for no good reason……you know?!?!?

Fast foward to today and I am a living breathing sober person who doesn’t think about drinking anymore. I didn’t think this day would come. I assumed that any person who went from drinking to not drinking would spend the rest of their day’s yearning for more. But I don’t. I don’t want to drink. I don’t wish I had some. I don’t feel lame. I no longer fantasize about having a glass of wine if I ever travel to Italy or what I will toast with at my son’s wedding. Things are over between alcohol and I. Over for good.

I don’t miss the hangovers, the hangxiety, the dread. I don’t miss the obsessing about if I’ve had enough and there’s no guilt of having too much. I no longer believe the lies that alcohol will somehow enhance my experience and make life more fun. Nor, do I believe it will relieve stress and put me at ease. I’ve moved on.

I will never again turn to alcohol for anything. I’ve found a different path, one that doesn’t alter me from who I am but instead grounds me. A path that doesn’t increase my anxiety or cause a dry mouth and a headache. I still can’t believe that I purposely made myself feel sick!!

I still have bad days. Terrible ones, at times but now my coping skills work. All the things that I’ve worked so hard at actually come through for me when I need them the most.

When I first stopped drinking if I were to read a post like this I would think “she doesn’t know what it’s like.” I would be searching, seeking, and hanging on every word trying to find out what the magic was. Where was the how-to list that would 100% guarantee that I could do this? How could I be positive that that sober life was for me? I got irritated with every blogger, author, and sober spokesperson for not sharing something like the “quick and easy guide to getting sober.”

I never found the secret or quick guide. There was no magic solution that was going to make the time go by faster. I just didn’t drink. Hour by hour at first, then day by day, then weeks, months, and now years. In the recovery world, they call this one day at a time. Every single day that I didn’t drink got me closer to today-a day that being a drinking person is no longer who I am.

Four years straight of saying “no thanks,” and “I’m good,” and “I don’t drink actually” at the seven million times alcohol has been suggested or offered to me. I’ve practiced saying it so much that now it’s completely true. I am good! All because I eliminated something toxic from my life. Not just the toxins in the drink but also the toxic thinking that it left me with.

My pros and cons list about quitting literally has no cons. The messages about how much I need booze to survive is all lies. The thinking that I would be bored or boring were false. The worry that I would have no friends was silly (I have more now than ever thanks to a flourishing sober community!). The fear that I couldn’t handle my anxiety was a farce, it was the alcohol making my anxiety so bad. On and on and on.

I’m still pissed off at alcohol. I’m not quite ready to forgive. The lies and seduction that make us believe we need it really bother me. The fact that there isn’t proper labeling and that people are choosing to drink it without knowing that it causes things like cancer, depression, and addiction enrages me. Knowing that it’s responsible for so many deaths and that we allow it to be marketed to children is what gets me going everyday. Even though I never spend one second thinking about drinking I dedicate a massive amount of energy to breaking down the myths of alcohol. In some ways, it’s given me a purpose.

Today, four years have gone by and I haven’t had a single sip of alcohol. What was once such a huge part of my life and identity has now vanished into the distance. It’s like having a tattoo that you got in college but haven’t looked at in 20 years. It’s there but it’s not who you are anymore.

I plan to keep going. I want to share my story over and over again until every single person who needs to hear it does. I want to hold up a sign that says “don’t believe this bullshit” every time I see a “they whine I wine” tea towel (or at least give my readers a pause when they see it). I want to be the foundation for a new kind of support for women and mothers that doesn’t rely on alcohol to connect, cope and feel worthy. I want to remind the world that drinking is not solution. Last, I want my posts to pop up on the desperate person’s screen who knows she can’t do it anymore……….and hope my words help her feel less alone.

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Weed, The Olympics, and Things That Piss Me Off

I’ll be honest, I hadn’t heard of Sha’Carri Richardson before I became obsessed with her story. I was scrolling through Instagram and saw a headline with a picture stating that she was no longer eligible to run in the Olympics due to testing positive for marijuana use.

As usual, after reading the headline I started thinking about alcohol and the role that it plays in well, everything.  I immediately felt that familiar feeling of fury that arises when drugs are involved. I needed to know more. Google told me that according to the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, for something to be prohibited it must meet two of the three inclusion criteria: a) it poses a health risk to athletes b) it has the potential to enhance performance and c) it violates the spirit of sport.

My first thought was to wonder how many of the people making the decision about whether or not smoking weed prohibited you from being in the Olympics are drinkers.  I get that they aren’t  the ones competing, but I couldn’t help but imagine a group of elite professionals sitting around a table pouring from a bottle while exiling certain “drugs.” I fear that we picked the wrong drug to worry ourselves with.  Alcohol was made legal which means that the general public assumes it’s safe. Most people consider alcohol less dangerous than cocaine and marijuana regardless of the fact that it is responsible for many more deaths, accidents, and damage. I used to be one of those people who considered drugs “bad” while sipping on my anxiety inducing, habit forming alcohol thinking that I was drug free. But once I learned that alcohol is so much more harmful my beliefs changed. I find myself wondering why we have such strict rules and regulations around some drugs while seemingly no restrictions around alcohol (despite the danger). I’m shocked that people like my pilot and surgeon are steered away from using drugs while at work but there is no test to tell me if they are flying or performing a life altering surgery with shaky hands and a head full of chemical misfires because of an alcohol induced hangover.

Next, I wondered how it is even possible that weed can be considered a performance enhancing drug.  Getting high is very unlikely to help Ms. Richardson run faster and I think most people would agree with me. Marijuana may help with inflammation of her joints or ease anxiety about performance and maybe that is what they are referring to? If so, they probably need to ban Tylenol, lavender oil, and anything else that athletes use to aid their bodies in performing at such high levels. 

Finally, in terms of “the spirit of the sport” I have trouble wrapping my head around how a 21 year old black female athlete can be judged so harshly for smoking weed after her mother died while we are forced to watch ads and see pop ups about how things like Michelob Ultra are good for your health during commercial breaks of the Olympics. (Contrary to the commercial, even though I kept my carb count low, I puked once after drinking too many Mich Ultras). The rich white men who run the alcohol industry make bank at sporting events.  Alcohol is one of the biggest players in sporting sponsorship and it preys on young, mostly black athletes, to sell.  It seems that we as a culture have chosen to ban drugs that aren’t income producing vs choosing the ones that are actually the most dangerous or harmful to the athletes.

I understand that there are rules and that the rules must be followed.  I’m actually a lover of rules, especially those that are meant to keep us safe and provide structure. I’m just having a hard time accepting that the rules are really in the best interest of the athletes.  In this case, it feels like the rules are meant to oppress one group but benefit another.  Kind of like how some people (white men) are making money off of their weed businesses and others (black men) are being arrested and jailed.  

At the age of 21 I passed a work drug test despite that I was a raging binge drinker. The whole thing just seems wrong.  So, to Sha’Carri Richardson, I salute you for your incredible hard work and the effort and sacrifice that you have made your whole life.  I’m sorry that we’ve gotten it all wrong and that you’re the one suffering the consequences of that. I hope that the rest of the world will see this too.

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https://www.amazon.com/Alive-AF-Anxious-Journey-Becoming-ebook/dp/B08RF1LSMP/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=alive+af&qid=1625744050&sr=8-2

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You Hate The Topic of Sobriety and I Get It

Many years ago, before I stopped drinking, I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a random post from an acquaintance that they were now sober. I immediately did that thing of place them into the category of “serious problem drinker” while I stayed safely in my “likes to drink for fun” category. I took a couple of IB profuen to numb out the slight headache that I had from drinking one too many IPA’s the night before and went on about my day.

The topic of sobriety meant nothing to me. I knew nothing about it, barely knew anyone who was doing it, and quite frankly didn’t care one bit. Well, that’s not completely true. I did have a ping of discomfort that would arise when the topic of “not drinking” came up. It may have been curiosity but I covered it up with irritation. Anyone who wasn’t a drinker just “wasn’t for me.” Drinking was one of my biggest hobbies and pastimes and I just couldn’t get comfortable with the idea that some people didn’t love it like I did.

That is until I stopped loving it and became obsessed with seeking out anyone who had already broken up with booze to find support, validation, and encouragement. I went from avoiding non drinkers at all costs to surrounding myself with as many sober people as possible. It was a stark change. One that has reshaped my life in every way.

This month I have spent a lot of time talking about alcohol. I have been asked to present to wellness committees. I have taught several classes on the benefits of an AF lifestyle. I have led groups of people in discovering the link between alcohol and mental health. I was interviewed in Authority Magazine about 5 Lifestyle Tweaks That Can Dramatically Improve Your Well Being, and you may have guessed that number one was to assess your alcohol intake. In other words, talking about sobriety is a big part of what I do everyday………… which is not great for my popularity. No one wants a cheerleader for sobriety telling them how bad alcohol is when all they can think about is making it to happy hour.

The subject that I am now so comfortable with seems to make other people very uncomfortable. In my meetings and presentations the feedback I get is non existent. There are no issues with nodding along or sharing a story about anxiety, mental illness, parenting struggles, or other things I bring up during my presentations but when I start to share about drinking too much…it’s crickets. No one says a word. It could be that I really suck at presenting, but I have a hunch that it’s more than that. This topic is still taboo. No one wants to shake their head or nod in agreement that they have been hungover before. No one really feels like admitting that they sometimes drink too much. No one wants to confess that they have questioned if their alcohol use is slightly problematic. And finally, people get really annoyed that I’m bringing something up that they are trying so hard to keep down…..way down.

Despite the blank faces and the lack of comments or questions I get during my presentations I plan to keep trudging on. I say a little prayer to the Universe that I’m planting seeds and helping people feel more comfortable to explore. This article showed up in my inbox and I felt a furious rage come over my body. Why are we accepting this as normal? Is it because almost everyone at every level feels like I once did? As a culture we can agree to debate eliminating pesticides, plastic bags, water guns, sugar, but please please don’t take the wine. We are so heavily reliant on our booze that the topic feels off limits.

I’m not for prohibition. Let me be clear that I DON’T want everyone to stop drinking. I DO want to raise awareness. I’ve recently been using the term “informed consent.” Informed consent is defined as permission granted in the knowledge of the possible consequences. I want it to become crystal clear that when we have that glass of wine or big ass margarita that we understand that it is linked to cancer, increases depression and anxiety, is highly addictive, and that it’s responsible for more deaths than any other drug. I want people to know the consequences that they are choosing. I desperately want them to understand that the thing that they are turning to for relief is actually causing more turmoil. I want people to stop acting surprised when someone they know becomes addicted or even dies from alcohol consumption. I want us to think twice before talking about the dangers of other hard core drugs like cocaine and heroine while we tip back our glasses like it’s no big deal. I want our kids to know that drinking is harmful.

I get that this topic sucks. I hate being the killjoy. But if not me, then who? I was completely blind to the negative impact that alcohol was having on me. I blamed it on one million other things while suffering with anxiety and mild depression. I would have given anything for someone to come along and say to me “Hey girl, you know it’s just the alcohol causing you all of these problems right? If you stop drinking, you’ll feel 100 times better.” The only regret I have about quitting drinking is not quitting sooner.

Nevertheless, I’ll teach my classes and talk to the people and I’ll take in the blank stares and the fear in their eyes as they discover that they, too, might have to quit the one thing that they love doing more than anything else. I’ll be here for the private messages, the questions, and the curious anonymous readers that come to my blog at two in the morning. I’ll be here. Sober, happy, and proud even though that means unpopular and a tad annoying because sharing about this topic feels really important.

40 AF

Today is my 40th birthday. When I was young, my parents owned a balloon shop. When people turned 40 their friends and family members would buy a bunch of black balloons to decorate their yard. They would stick signs in the grass that said “Over the Hill” and “Lordy Lordy Look Who’s Forty.” I thought that the people at the receiving end of these balloons and signs were old. It made perfect sense that they were, in fact, over the hill.

But today, as I sit here looking in my yard (which luckily is not covered in black balloons) “Over the Hill” means something entirely different. Maybe it never meant what I thought. Maybe it wasn’t a metaphor for “past one’s prime” or that life is half over. Maybe, instead, it meant exactly what it says. You are actually over the f’ing hill.

No more struggling up this giant mountain carrying a load of baggage on my back. No longer pulling and pushing with all my might to try to be the person that the world is asking of me. No more difficult steps upward while peering at the top wondering if I’ll ever make it or what it’s like to be there. No more worrying that it’s too far to go back and too far to move forward.

There have been many hills to climb for me these past few years. The getting sober hill. The anxiety hill. The living life and parenting two young children in the middle of a pandemic hill. The writing a book hill. With each climb, I held a false promise that once I got to the top I would be good, happy, resolved, or at ease. But what I learned is that the top of these hills was only the beginning. I didn’t get to ride out the rest of my days rolling down the grass of green pastures. Instead, I only built up more muscles and strength for the next big climb.

My twenty-year-old self walked around at the bottom of the hill. I didn’t think I’d ever have to really do the climb. I kept putting things off, avoiding it, and trying to find other ways to live that wouldn’t be as strenuous and difficult. I didn’t think about my older self and put no effort into making things easier for her. I wore her lungs down with smoking and her skin down with sun tan oil. I spent all of her money buying strangers shots at the bar and put no effort into her education. I made a million mistakes. Some that I can see in my aging fine lines and gray hair. I figured by the time I was 40, it wouldn’t matter anyway, I would be old.

To some, maybe I am old. My kids think I’m old. Their babysitters probably think I’m really really old. The 20 something girl at my favorite coffee shop thinks I’m old. Who orders decaf because they’ve already “had too much?” Old people. I’m okay with that.

To others, 40 seems insanely young. My lack of experience and life knowledge might make this post sound as if it’s written by a toddler. I’ve got so many more hills to climb, lessons to learn, skills to gain before I can even think that I’ve in some way earned the right to put down my pack and start heading downward. I don’t know how to do my taxes and I literally had to watch a youtube video to learn how to properly load my dishwasher. I still cry when someone is mad at me.

Regardless of what others might think, today I feel like I’m being given a rite of passage to be over the hill. I’ve been fortunate enough to make it this long (which I don’t take for granted). I’ve learned a few lessons the hard way. I’ve given up trying to find ways to get around the hill and have leaned into walking up it. I take nice long breaks when I need them and I wander off a lot. I still look for shortcuts and I get lost all of the time. Maybe from here on out it won’t seem so steep. Just a nice ascending path with tiny bumps and crevices to get over. Nothing will seem as monumental as it did when I was so young and inexperienced. I’ve got the right equipment and tools now. I know myself better. I understand my limits and my strengths. Maybe I can even enjoy myself a bit along the way.

I’m proud to be 40. Happy even, to be standing on the top looking back down at what I’ve climbed so far. Living life takes guts. Fully leaning into all of the hard things there are in this world and choosing to go on anyway is something worth celebrating.

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5 AF Valentine’s Day Date Ideas

When I was younger and single I assumed that everyone in a committed relationship spent Valentine’s Day receiving an endless amount of chocolate, flowers, wine, and romance. If I wasn’t in a relationship I would spend the day trying to find anyone to go with me to a bar so that I could sulk the night away by finishing off a bucket of Bud Light bottles. If I was in a relationship I always felt a little let down when it turned out that my night wouldn’t be anything like that romantic love scene from Love Actually (and probably also finished off a bucket of Bud Light bottles).

Now that I’m older, married, and a mother -Valentine’s Day means more like oh shit, I forgot to get the kids’ snack for their class together than it does let’s go on a romantic date. Regardless of how I feel about Valentine’s Day I still get a lot of questions about what to do for date night when you don’t drink. Having drinks seem to be the go-to for all things________(well, just all things). So what do you do if you don’t drink? Here are some of my favorite ideas (Covid freindly-because why would I dissapoint by sharing things that you can’t do because of Covid) for having an epic AF Valentine’s Day.

1. Order a nice meal in. Play some music, light some candles, or throw some Ylang Ylang in your diffuser and put your phone away. Talk to your friend, spouse, or partner and connect on a level that requires authenticity. You might find that sharing a sober meal is really fun when you’re able to think clearly. If you’re local to Louisville try this Valentine’s Day Take Out Kit from the Fat Lamb.

2. Sign up for An Evening of Self Love-have a warm cup of tea, be guided through a self-love meditation, and move your body. Do this alone or with a special someone. You won’t believe how good you feel after you spend some time working on you.

3. Go on a Night Hike. I love this idea of bundling up for a nightime guided hike followed by a cup of hot chocolate. This is a great idea to do with your kids or alone.

4. Instead of spending money on a piece of jewlery or a new shiny toy gift yourself or your loved one a learning experience-something that will last far longer than one day. Maybe that’s a yoga package or a writing class like this one. Or even spend the day diving deeper into Black History Month with something like this. Doing something like this as a couple helps provide support and sets you up with an accountability partner.

5. Watch a comedy together. There was a time in my life when a funny show or movie just didn’t do it for me. In fact, nothing other than drinking really did it for me (if you want to know why-just ask me). But now, when I watch something funny on TV I belly laugh. It feels so good to laugh and there is nothing better than sharing that laughter with someone. Choose a stand up show from Netflix, or a funny movie and let yourself be completely entertained. (Just make sure to have a mocktail or a fizzy water with you so you won’t feel the pressure to drink when you see the alcohol scenes-oh, and keep in mind that most of the celebreties making those alcohol scenese seem so great are sober).

Also, feel free to make the big V’day a non thing. If you want to spend the day not thinking about love then you do just that. Getting used to doing things without alcohol can be difficult. Take your time with it until you find things that work for you!

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Samantha Wrote a Book (and why you care)....

My greatest weakness of all time is impulsivity. It usually shows up in the decision-making process and goes something like this.

-I am faced with making a decision.

-This makes me very uncomfortable (no matter how big or small).

-I make the decision as quickly as possible to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

-It was the wrong decision because I didn’t think it through.

-I have to undo the decision I made, costing me ample amounts of time and money.

-I have to make the decision again and now I feel anxious and drained.

There are lots of reasons why I do this and anxiety is probably the biggest factor. But sometimes, this terrible weakness of mine works in my favor. One night I was laying in bed scrolling Instagram. I came across a story from a stranger by the name of Anna David. At the time, I wasn’t sure why I started following her. Maybe because I knew she was a writer? Maybe because she was in the same circle with someone else I followed? Maybe because I impulsively hit “follow” without any thought process whatsoever? Maybe because the Universe stepped in and took charge?

She had a series of posts about writing books. One of them said “Do you want to write a book? If yes, swipe up.” So, naturally, without thinking things through I swiped up, then I filled out a questionnaire and before I knew it I had signed up for one year writing course to self-publish my book.

Had I taken the time to actually think this through I would’ve come up with a million excuses of why I can’t write a book and self-publish.

-It’s hard.

-I hate hard things.

-I don’t know how.

-I have no time.

-I have two little kids.

-I’m not a real writer.

-I have no writing degree.

-I don’t have the authority to write a book.

-This takes time and I like to get things over with as soon as possible.

-This is not for me.

Don’t get me wrong, after I wrote the check and signed on the dotted line I wondered if this decision was going to go as poorly as most of my other decisions. Luckily, it did not. Anna told me what to do (and since I hate making decisions of my own) I just did exactly as she instructed. One step at a time I wrote an entire book and then self-published it. Now, I’m a published author and there is a memoir out there for you to read (almost-it’ll be available on Amazon on Jan. 1st). The process was remarkably eye-opening and not only have I written a book but I’ve made new friends and expanded my knowledge of writing. My impulsivity was a good thing for once!

I’m telling you this for two reasons. First, thinking through decisions is important but sometimes we overthink our way out of things. In the case of writing a book, had I taken the time to think about it there would have been no way that I would have followed through with this. Are you overthinking something?

Secondly, you should read my book. Here’s why:

-You’re nosy and you want to know the inner workings of my life.

-You like Memoirs.

-You like to be entertained.

-You can’t remember exactly how your views around alcohol formed.

-You have anxiety.

-You have depression or postpartum depression.

-You’re a mom.

-You’re living a healthy lifestyle but still drinking.

-You’re a physical and/or mental health professional and you’re not talking to your patients about alcohol regularly.

-You’re a fitness or health coach.

-You wonder if you drink too much.

-You hate hangovers.

-You’ve been on one million crash diets but you’ve never considered giving up alcohol.

-You’re having trouble getting your (insert mental health issue) under control and you’ve tried everything (except not drinking, probably because no one ever suggested trying this).

-You think sobriety is for “alcoholics.”

The book is coming out on 1/1/2021 on Amazon and I’m telling you now so that you can be thinking about whether or not you want to buy it, in case you’re one of those people who likes to think things through…

Why Thinking About Quitting Drinking Is Miserable

Thinking about quitting drinking? I get it. I did too. Almost daily for a long time. I would think about quitting drinking, google whether or not I was an alcoholic, think about all the consequences that I thought would be associated with quitting, and then go right back to drinking-resigning to the fact that I was just not the “kind of person” that would live a sober lifestyle.

What I’ve learned from other sober people is that they kind of did the same thing. Change is hard (even harder if there’s a chemical involved making you think that you need it more than you do). While it’s a really good idea to consider the options and possibilities before making a big change, thinking about changing isn’t change. It’s just something we do that occupies space and buys us time.

Sometimes what we need is time. However the right time isn’t always what we think. For example, the best time to quit drinking doesn’t come along when all the bars are closed, there are no family obigations, and our calenders are cleared of all social events that might trigger us to drink for the rest of our lives. That sure would be nice (current events might make this a lot easier). Unfortunately though, if you’re thing is alcohol, you’ll likely never find a time when it’s not a factor. It’s everywhere.

The right time is often right now. The moment that we are again pondering or thinking about quitting drinking. In fact, the only regret I have about quitting drinking is not doing it sooner. Don’t we hear that a lot? People who’ve left marriages, changed jobs, lowered their cholesterol, ran a marathon, etc. usually say that they wish they’d done it sooner. They’ve discovered that the worries and fears holding them back were not what they thought. The positive outcomes of the change outweighed any negative consequences.

For me, I finally reached a point where thinking about quitting drinking was actually harder than just quitting drinking. Waking up trying to decide if it was the alcohol making me feel bad or if adulthood was, in fact, just that shitty was becoming exhausting. Worrying about ways to decrease my anxiety while having a hunch that alcohol might be contributing was making me uneasy. Wondering what life would be like alcohol-free was agonizing. Eventually, staying the same felt like it was no longer an option (even though I was in no way ready to change).

Discomfort and pain were the factors that led me to finally change. My pros/cons list was long gone. But why does is have to be that way? When did we start buying into the idea that we only change when things hit “rock bottom?” Why did I have to pile on more regrets, experience more anxiety, and more emotional suffering? Why weren’t the cons on my list enough-hangovers, increased anxiety, hating myself when I drank too much, embarrassing myself, etc.?

The one thing that I’ve learned from living alcohol-free is that I don’t know what I don’t know. I literally had no idea what it would be like to embrace an alcohol free lifestyle. I had never once in my life done that. Sure, there were times with no alcohol-pregnancy, cleanses, diets, illness, etc. but I always felt like drinking was a part of me. It was “what I did” and “who I was.” So no matter what I put down on those lists and how much time I spent thinking about what it would be like to not drink anymore, I really didn’t have a clue what I was talking about.

Thinking about quitting drinking is not quitting drinking. You can research, read, detail, and devise a plan. Maybe you plan to read a book or two, attend an AA meeting, only drink on Saturdays, drink wine instead of bourbon, only have drinks socially, only drink between the hours of 5-6, or when it’s fall, or at weddings. Maybe you want to watch that documentary first or listen to that podcast. Maybe you want to poll your friends or try to decide how every single person you’ve ever met in your life is going to feel about you once you stop. The reality is, you just won’t know what’s it’s like until you try. There’s a great quote out there (and I can’t remember who said it). It goes something like 100% of people who quit drinking all did this one thing. They quit drinking. It really is that simple. They just stopped opening the can or the bottle and putting it up to their lips and swallowing.

Start there and then work on figuring out the rest with the support that you need. For some people it might be rehabilitation, support groups, and lots of helpful resources. For me, it was unlearning, relearning, and trusting that, in time I would benefit. That my mind, body, and soul would reap the benefits of living a sober life.

Feel free to replace the word alcohol with that thing you’ve been agonizing about. What’s the thing that keeps you up at night or nags you everytime you do it? Maybe it used to be really fun and it served a great purpose so you think you should still hang on. Maybe it once brought you happiness and connection. But it’s just not doing that anymore and deep down you know that. Buuuuuutttttttt………change sucks and maybe you think that staying the same would be easier than changing. It’s usually not.

My suggestion is to go with something new. Since you already know what it’s like to drink-why not try making that pros/cons list as a more informed, diverse human who has had the experience as a drinker AND a non drinker? Once I did that my list changed A LOT:

PRO to Quitting: CONS to Quitting:

Alive N/A

5 Things That Helped Me Stop Drinking

Thinking of giving up alcohol? Trying Sober October? Today, I feel excited to share 5 things that helped me stop drinking!

1. Mindset. If I’m being honest, when I quit alcohol on September 17, 2017 it wasn’t my first attempt. I had tried to quit drinking on several occasions. I never really came out and said “I think I need to quit drinking.” Instead, I would hide it under some kind of diet or cleanse. I attempted to diet and eliminate alcohol as a form of punishment while white knuckling and hating every minute of it. Those attempts all failed and when the cleanse or diet was over, I wound up drinking more. This time, the time I’m sure will last forever, I felt tired. I was so over hating drinking, punishment, and trying to count how many drinks I was going to have. Thanks to Holly’s blog and This Naked Mind I was able to look at my alcohol use through a different lense. Instead of trying to decide if I was or wasn’t an alcoholic I decided to explore how alcohol was afffecting me emotionally and physically. Instead of setting out for a life of sobriety I just wondered what would happen if I didn’t drink right now. It wasn’t a punishment but a way of saying I’m sorry to my body and loving myself enough to try something new even though I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be. I think you already know, the outcome was amazing.

2. Confidence. It’s important to note here that I didn’t quit drinking because I had built up enough confidence to try it. Not at all. By the time I quit, I was exhausted, worn out, and tired of being hungover and tired. I was living (for the first time in my adult life) without the self medication that I used to dull my anxiety. Starting out was a shit show. But, every single time that I got through a moment that I wanted to drink, an event that I would usually drink at, or an experience that usually required me to have a glass in my hand-my confidence grew. It grew so much that I was eager to try it out more and more. It had been a long time since I’d felt confident and it was really good.

3. Essential Oils. Don’t stop reading. Here’s the thing, essential oils were the new thing that I did to take my mind off the old thing. I started concocting up blends to make my house smell good, making skin care products, and devising recipes for other things that I could make. In other words, I had a replacement behavior, something that I could do instead of drinking. Maybe your thing is scrapbooking, yoga, puzzling, learning to cook, etc. The point is, that if I tried to stop and didn’t add in any new things I would have been sitting around twiddling my thumbs thinking about how bored I was and how badly I wanted a drink. I also learned to play the ukulele which I find myself still turning to as a new form of happy hour.

4. Read Stories From Sober People. I read every word on Holly’s blog at least 5 times. In fact, I still read a lot of her old blogposts. They were very simple and I notice that everytime I’m faced with a question like “what should I do about this” she had written something about it. At first, since I wasn’t quite sure what to do-I just did what she did. I carried tea and baked goods with me everywhere I went, I read books that she read, I trusted her experience which gave me hope for mine, etc. Now, I know a lot more sober people and I love getting inspiration from them. It helps keep me on track and stay focused on my goals.

5. I Put Myself First. This one is probably the most important. I knew that no longer drinking was going to be awkward and strange socially speaking. Especially since I’d never really done anything socially without alcohol. I finally decided that short term awkwardness for the sake of healing my mental health was worth it. I didn’t allow myself to worry what others would think and instead I started focusing solely on what I thought. I knew I needed to change my drinking habits. I couldn’t continue to drink just so my friends wouldn’t be put off or so that my husband and I wouldn’t have to change the location of our date night. Overall, my friends and family were very supportive. I’m so glad that I chose me! As a result, I’ve been a better wife, mother, and friend.

I’ve never looked back. Within the first few months I noticed a significant improvement in everything from my skin to my mental health. I still experience anxiety and I have plenty of bad days. But today, it’s because I’m human and not due to some self imposed chemically induced stress. If you want to know more about things that helped me stop drinking check out this and this.

Want to hear more about my path to becoming alcohol free? Listen here on An Open Book Podcast.

Take Control Of Your Social Media Addiction

As I write this, my 6-year-old daughter is looking at a little compact mirror that holds a brush pretending that she got “103 views” on the fake video she just “posted” to her compact mirror that she is using as a phone. This is extremely ironic since I watched The Social Dilemma yesterday and spent most of last night awake feeling highly concerned for our world. This behavior likely came from a combination of watching me stare at my phone (humiliating to actually write that) and a show that she watches (ahem…used to watch because I plan to ban it from her viewing) where the girl character talks about her social media accounts.

In 2013, my daughter had just turned one and I was settling into my new role as a stay at home mom. I was pretty isolated and only had the company of my two, mostly non-verbal, bald-headed babies. I spent my days changing diapers, sweeping up cheerios, putting toys back in bins, and staring at Facebook. Since I no longer had any ongoing real social interaction I turned to Facebook as a way to see what was up with my friends, family, and the world at large.

It wasn’t long until my anxiety grew, I thought the world was the absolute worst place to live in, and I had guilt about bringing two small children into this mess of a place. According to Facebook, there was a giant divide among politics (so big that it was obvious there would be no settling or no solutions), a divide among humanity (only made up of those who were good and those who were evil), and millions of reasons to feel worried, scared, depressed, agitated, anxious, and basically bad all of the time. Since Facebook was my only outlet to the world, I believed the things I read to be true. And since Facebook was my only social interaction (around the time of an election) I believed most things were bad. Really bad.

That’s when I can pinpoint a change in my drinking. I remember drinking because I felt stressed instead of drinking because I was looking for a good time. After a day spent on Facebook, I needed a drink due to the exhaustion of taking in so many different posts. Posts about politics that concerned me, posts about people’s jobs I didn’t have, posts about new haircuts I wish I had gotten, posts about dinners I wanted to be invited to, posts about vacations that I didn’t go on, and so much more. It was the beginning of a very dark time.

Fast forward three years later to the time a pandemic hit our country. Again, nowhere to go and nothing to do and I found myself not only on Facebook but also on various social media apps. I mean more is always better right? News, stories, articles, opinions, posts, likes, follows, stress, anxiety, anger, and if you’ve been reading this for any amount of time…a breakdown.

I quit social media and I felt 75% better within days. I didn’t have to read conspiracy theories, I didn’t have to question the source, I didn’t have to be faced with angry people and their opinions on things that they have no experience with. It was so freeing. It’s not that I needed to go back to the doctor and reconsider my medication, I needed to get off the screen and back to my life.

Over the last three years, I have learned a lot about addiction. Most of us think of addiction in terms of drug use. But people can be addicted to anything. In fact, addiction starts as a way to make us feel better. We engage in something, it feels really really good at the moment, so our brains tell our bodies to go back for more. Over time this can become impulsive and problematic. Most of us go back for more without even realizing that we’re doing it. That’s what makes it dangerous. It happens beneath the surface and behind the scenes.

Social media is addictive. It’s designed to be that way by professionals who know how our brains work. The scroll, the autofill, the millions of little ways that it draws you in are not by accident but by a deliberate attempt to pull you back to your screen. You see, the more time you spend, the more you are being advertised to, and therefore the more money is made for the big corporations that are paying for this “free tool” that we all have.

I am a constant target for alcohol ads. I use the word beer, wine, alcohol, and drinking a lot in my social media feeds and posts. Because of this, if I’m on social media I’m seeing tons of ads for wine, beer, and alcohol companies. The algorithms are pretty smart for picking up the word “alcohol” but they haven’t quite figured out how the word “free” fits into everything. This is a constant reminder for me that I am being targeted.

We have all experienced a time when we looked up something on google and the next thing we know it shows up in social feeds as an advertisement. In fact, many people might say that they just thought of something and it showed up in your feed. If you watch The Social Dilemma, you’ll learn that it also deliberate because the technology is designed to learn everything about us.

Ok, so what? Who cares if I ended up buying something that I was thinking about buying anyway right? What’s the big deal? Well, it’s not just that we’re being marketed to. There is lots of evidence to show that depression, anxiety, and mental illness are on the rise since social media came onto the scene (especially among teenagers). And who hasn’t been emotionally affected when you see that all of their friends had dinner together last night and you weren’t invited or when your great Aunt Rosie posts something in direct opposition to what you firmly believe to be true? Who has felt worse or scared after reading an article about a kidnapping, a murder, or climate change?

It’s likely that if you’re one of the thousands of people in the world who drink alcohol, you may have decided to have a drink after a day spent reading exhausting social media articles. Social Media equals stress, we drink when we’re stressed, and things can go lots of different (not good) ways from there.

Many of us think that we are protected from addiction. It won’t happen to us. We think we are not genetically exposed. We don’t have family members who suffer from addiction. We think we have control. We think we can outsmart it. Maybe some of us can. I am not one of those people. I am not someone who knows how to stop the release of feel-good chemicals when I see pleasing pictures or eat sugar. Our brains are far more capable than our thoughts.

With everything going on in the world right now, it might be a good idea to learn about how and why our body responds to certain stimuli. It might be a good time to assess how much time you’re actually spending on social media and how it is really affecting your health. For example, I thought I was spending a couple of hours a day but it turned out it was far more than that.

Start a journal or a feelings chart. Mark or think about how you’re feeling before you get on and how you feel when you get off. What goal do you want to accomplish when you get on your accounts? Did you mean to do something work-related or did you mean to spend an hour mindlessly scrolling and ignoring your kids? Was there something specific you were looking for? Did you drink afterward? Take a class to learn about how it’s affecting you. Watch the movie. Get in the know. Being informed doesn’t mean you have to quit altogether, it just means that you have some awareness around your use.

Sobriety, for me, means never turning away from the truth. The truth frequently sucks. There’s work and it’s tiring but not nearly as tiring as continually doing something that makes me feel guilty and anxious.

I’ve Been Alcohol Free For Three Years and Here’s What’s Shocked Me The Most....

I used to smoke (sorry mom). Cigarettes were my love language. There wasn’t anything that I couldn’t work out over a couple of puffs. I loved the way that they felt in my hand and the way I felt when I smoked. The ritual (despite now knowing how absolutely disgusting) brought me a lot of joy.

When I had to stop smoking, it was because I knew the habit was dangerous, damaging, and unhealthy. Regardless, I wasn’t happy about it. I’m reminded of this story my mom told of me holding onto my pacifier until I was way too old. I finally decided it was time to give it up (after much persuasion) and I kissed it goodbye and put it in the trash while crying my eyes out for a long long time. That’s kind of how felt when I stopped smoking. I would do it dammit…..but I wouldn’t like it.

I used willpower, force, shaming, and berating myself until I finally just stopped craving them. But I will tell you the truth- if the surgeon general were to come out and say that they had it all wrong and that smoking is actually good for you-I would start again in a heartbeat!

Today I’m two days away from being three years sober. Shockingly, my experience with quitting booze was a lot less negative than my experience with quitting smoking. I had come to the conclusion that alcohol was no longer serving me because I wasn’t feeling good emotionally or physically. I went about it with curiosity while slowly learning about the drug and allowing myself to form new ideas. I didn’t make any grand proclamations that I was “quitting” and I gave myself so much grace and love (instead of shame and guilt like I did with smoking). I think that’s the difference of why I still hold on hope that smoking will someday be healthy while I don’t ever want to drink again.

Since quitting booze I’ve taken that same approach with a few other things. Recently, I’ve given up scrolling social media on my phone. I think it’s clear that I’m not great with moderation. Once the pandemic hit I found that I was spending an obscene amount of time on my phone. Did you know that social media addiction works a lot like alcohol addiction? I decided that I needed to get my life back and I approached it a lot like I approached quitting booze. I started with loving myself enough to know that I wanted more for my life than to look at my phone all day long. I gave it time and patience. I replaced the behavior with more writing, taking pictures for fun, and looking up recipes.

I’ve also given up gluten due to a recent scare with a family member who has a genetic form of Celiac. Again, this was done as a form of self-respect and love. I focused on what I would gain if I quit gluten and I do have Celiac (still waiting on testing). I stayed positive about the outcome and I found a gluten-free biscuit recipe that gets me through hard times.

These days I’m finding it easier to say goodbye to things that are no longer serving me. Successfully becoming alcohol-free has given me the confidence to eliminate things from my life. I’m much less driven by FOMO, obligations, threats, shoulds, and societal pressures and much more inclined to evaluate what brings me peace. Sometimes it’s additions like meditation or journaling. But mostly, I’m learning that quitting things is often the answer. I’ve realized over and over again that my comfort zone isn’t always that comfortable. For example, looking at my phone for 3 straight hours while consuming massive amounts of cookies, cakes, and bread (I’m not joking).

I’m shocked that by being a quitter I’m becoming more and more myself. Quitting is something that never seemed like an option for me. My personality does not mesh well with quitters. I’m a doer. I get things done. I’m your go-to gal, a jack of all trades, super reliable, and a follow all the way through no matter the pain and suffering kind of person. My brain can easily turn the idea quitting into failure, unworthiness, and a dark hole of void. With all of that being said, sobriety is teaching me that I might have it all wrong. Maybe quitting is my greatest asset?

These days I accept that I am ever-changing and that there is really no one version of me that will last forever. I used to think that if I changed all the time I must be a hypocrite, a liar, someone who gives up, someone who doesn’t know themselves, and a bunch of other negative associations. That’s just not true. The more I grow, the more I learn, and the more I change. Not everything of course. I’m probably always going to be a little bit anxious and I don’t think I’ll ever start liking heavy metal. But if I need to quit something (especially if it’s toxic) now I know I can.

Do you have anything that could be eliminated?

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I’m Not Judging Your Drinking

I write a blog about living alcohol-free (and anxiety, and parenthood, and whatever else I feel like writing about) and almost every single person I know drinks. Things can get awkward. If there was a doormat that said, “Welcome-I swear I’m NOT judging your drinking!” I would put it at the front of entrance to my life. I’m really just not thinking about it.

What I am thinking about is our cultural beliefs around alcohol, systems that perpetuate alcohol use, the role alcohol plays in this country, specific people who have reached out to me for help, why people believe that non-drinkers are thinking about their drinking, and lots and lots of other things (some useful, some not). But if you’re sitting here next to me, I will barely notice if what you’re holding is a stiff ass drink, a bubbly water, a delicious IPA, or a Big Red. I just don’t care that much. Sorry.

I also don’t want your drink. Not in the least. Even if it’s one of my favorite IPA’s from the best brewery in town, a mimosa, a cocktail, a light lager, a glass of red wine, or a Big Red, I don’t want it. Not on a Saturday night, not on a boat, not at happy hour, not at a club, not at a brewery, not at a fancy dinner, not at a bridal shower, not in a house with a mouse, you get the point.

Just recently, we were sitting around talking with friends. Drew, my husband, was explaining his vegetarianism that has lasted for over 20 years. He always hated the taste and texture of meat and when he became old enough to not have to eat what was presented to him, he stopped eating it. Never does he ever want meat. He doesn’t salivate at the thought of steak,. He doesn’t try to recreate meat-like dishes with veggie foods (like tempeh stroganoff). He doesn’t sit around feeling sad as he bites into the food that he likes while everyone else eats the food that they like. He’s NEVER thinking about eating meat. That’s how I feel about alcohol.

Interestingly, though, I have trouble making this clear. I have a great friend who doesn’t drink. I assumed that when I was around her (as a drinker) she was both counting my drinks while also wishing that she could have some. I stupidly believed that there was an underlying desperation for those that “had” to stop drinking. In fact, it was this very belief that kept me from exploring sobriety sooner. I thought I was the lucky one that could still wake up feeling like shit, experience hangxiety, and continuously battle with how many drinks I would have while those poor soles who “couldn’t” drink were fresh, clear, and grounded in what decisions were best for them.

This whole concept is one of the very reasons that I write this blog. I want to openly address so much of the stigma and break down the idea that all non-drinkers are like the scenes from movies that we’ve seen-one drink away from falling off the wagon. Some are, for sure (probably because alcohol is the most addictive drug on the market-more so than the well-known opiates we have no problem recognizing). But not everyone, and not me. Each day I get further away from my old drinking self. I get further away from the memories with me with a drink in my hand, me with slanty eyes, and me dragging people around for just one more. I’ve almost forgotten what wine pairs with what cheese and what beer even tastes like. These days I pine for nachos, dark chocolate, books, writing, deep connection, time in nature, music (preferably live-please stop being here pandemic), cold brew morning coffee with a sunrise, and other things. Not alcohol. Not once. Not ever. I’m just not thinking about it anymore.

I’m not free from judgement. I judge just as much as the next person. I’m working on this. I’m working on how judgement creeps in when I least expect it. Sometimes I judge complete strangers regarding things I really know nothing about and things that are absolutely none of my business. I’m learning that those judgments are actually my insecurities screaming to be healed, to be resolved, or things that I’ve left unattended. In other words, the ongoing work I need to do. Drinking is no longer one of those things. My decision to stop drinking is one that I am most proud of and one that I never ever question.

So the next time you’re around me or someone else who no longer drinks, it’s okay to do you (unless it’s someone you know is struggling, and in that case be a good supportive friend). If you’re not sure, just ask. If you want to know more, just ask. You might find that the answer is very different from what you think. I learned that the reason I thought sober people were counting my drinks was because I was paranoid about the amount of drinks I was having, hence the need to explore how many drinks I was having. Turns out, I was the one judging my drinking.

How Quitting Alcohol Is A Lot Like A Breakup

Throughout my 20’s, I had some not so great romantic relationships. I remember one time when things were going particularly bad, I told my friend “I’d rather be unhappy for the rest of my life than to be without him.” I was talking about not wanting to break up even though things pretty much sucked.

Of all of the things I’ve written here, this is definitely the most embarrassing. It sounds so desperate, pathetic, and even a little bit cray cray. Luckily, I didn’t pursue my wildest dream of living unhappy and that relationship ended. As a result, better things started happening to me.

When it came to alcohol, I had the same exact thoughts. There was a time when living with hangxiety, sleep disruption, hormone disruption, waking up with a bad taste in my mouth, being bloated, and feeling a little bit crappy all the time just didn’t seem worse than not ever drinking again. I told myself that I’d rather wake up with a bit of hangover for the rest of my life than to quit drinking.

Quitting drinking can be a lot like leaving a crappy relationship. Alcohol was the one thing I turned to in good times and bad. Even though it never made me feel any better, it was comfortable, safe, the thing I knew-which was way better than the fear of the unknown. Every time I started to get down about it or think that maybe I should consider cutting back or quitting, the good times would suck me back in. Instead of rehashing all the horrible hangovers, the memory loss, the guilt, and the stress it caused, I only recalled the wonderful nights out with friends, the parties, the laughter, the music, the relief that I felt as that first sip oozed it’s way down my throat.

When I did finally decide to break up with alcohol, it was like having an ex. Being around it was awkward. Going out to places it might be made me nervous and sad at first. Talking about it made me angry and tearful at times. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and cried in my pillow wondering when I would stop thinking about it. I thought I might not ever be the same with it no longer there. It was hard.

But, just like with my breakup from a person, I started to get used to the idea of not having it around. I started to see that it wasn’t always good and that the stress that it caused had outweighed the good times. I realized that I could live without it. I stopped listening to the sad songs and I started feeling better. A little bit better day by day until eventually, not only was I not sad that it wasn’t in my life, I was happy. Very very happy.

People move on from breakups. They go on to live fabulous and wonderful lives despite the rough patch. We know this is true and we have seen it happen time and time again with our friends, family members, loved ones, and acquaintances. We probably all know someone who got out of a crappy relationship and turned things around for the better.

Quitting alcohol is a lot like that. It’s like leaving that crappy relationship that you tell yourself is making things better but you know deep down it’s making things worse. Once the shock of the change is over things start to look up. And before long you find the true love of your life which happens to be you.

You’ve Recently Stopped Drinking, Here’s What You Need To Know

Making the decision to take a break from alcohol is HUGE.  Depending on your relationship with alcohol you’re probably somewhere on the spectrum of Oh Shit What Do I Do With Myself? to maybe feeling relieved.  Regardless, making a big change like not drinking takes some effort and probably leaves you wondering when you’ll start to heal. When I first stopped drinking there were three burning questions that I wanted to know.

When will I feel better?  This was my number one question.  The Type A, planner, and control freak in me needed to know how long the agony, discomfort, and insecurity would last.  I needed to know what I was in for. I craved the exact date from the time that I took my last sip that I would feel confident, energized, and of course happy.  I was pissed that no articles on the internet clarified for me how many weeks, days, and hours it would take for me to be “cured.”

This process is different for every single person.  There is no certain amount of days or weeks. In actuality, there was no “day” that I felt healed, cured, changed, transformed, and all of the other fancy words that I was sure would describe my experience.  In fact, I’m still working on that part. However, each day that I don’t drink is a day further away from the life I no longer want and toward the one that I’m growing now. Instead of experiencing this one big massive moment when I felt cured, I experienced small wins, tiny steps, and milestones that I celebrated (and still celebrate) with joy.

When will I lose weight, my skin starts to glow, and I gain all the amazing benefits that everyone talks about?  Early on my journey, I found this infographic with timelines of what happens when you stop drinking.  It said things like Week three, the alcohol is finally detoxed from your body. Week 6 you’ll feel less bloated. Week 8 a magic unicorn will arrive at your door and take you on a ride through pink clouds. Not exactly, but you get the point. I saved this to my desktop, my phone, and I even printed it out so I could look at it over and over.  While it was meant to be used as a guide, I needed it to be true so that I could feel validated that I made all the right decision.

My skin did improve.  My anxiety stopped being the sole focus of my life.  The cloud lifted.  I had more energy.  All of the promises came true but they didn’t exactly happen in the order of the little info sheet from an online resource.  They happened in a timeline that was specific to me and my body.  It’s also important to note that when I stopped drinking I interrupted the damage.  I was no longer using a carcinogen. I stopped disrupting my hormones.  I stopped increasing the chances for severe addiction. I stopped feeling hungover. And, so much more.  So, while I may not have had glowing skin at day 17, I could feel good about knowing that I had stopped damaging myself and that my body was recovering every single minute that I wasn’t drinking. 

When will I never think about drinking again?  Every sober person I admire hinted at the fact that I would one day stop thinking about alcohol.  Holly, Laura, Annie Grace, Carly, Gabby, and there were others all assured me that alcohol would one day take a backseat.  I can promise you that I never think about alcohol (unless of course, it is for the sake of this blog).  I don’t salivate when people drink around me.  I don’t wish I could have just one.  I don’t feel like I’m missing out.  I don’t notice what’s on tap.  I don’t think about how at 5’oclock I won’t be able to have wine or beer or happy hour.  I am free from the chains completely.  In fact, it’s my most favorite part about being sober-never having to f’ing think about it again!  

I don’t know the exact timeline for when this happened but it took a while for sure.  Alcohol is everywhere.  It’s at the bars, restaurants, and parties obviously.  But it’s also at yoga, work meetings, pools, school functions, church gatherings, farmers’ markets, Target, and most homes in the US. So, it’s not like an out of sight out of mind situation.  It’s NEVER out of sight.  It takes time to see first the role that alcohol plays in our lives, then the clarity of why/how you may have gotten to a point where alcohol was no longer working, and then time to tune it out.  I replaced thinking about alcohol with thinking about writing, reading, nature, coffee, essential oils, yummy recipes, helping, running, connecting, playing the ukulele, and so much more. That was a big important part.

The point is that you’re doing it! If you’ve stopped drinking you’ve already done the biggest step. Every single moment from here on out will get better and things in your life will become more clear. It will take time and the more effort you put toward your new life alcohol-free, the less you’ll wish for your old one. The gifts will show up when you least expect them. I’m approaching 3 years of living sober and it honestly keeps getting better. Laura McKowen writes First: Impossible, Then: Difficult, Then: Strange, Then: Normal, Then: Wouldn’t have it any other way. This the best timeline I’ve ever seen.

Why Drinking In Moderation Sucks

Disclaimer-if you are reading as someone who has always drank in moderation, this post is not for you. This post is more for a person who has wondered if their drinking is problematic (and by problematic I mean-interfering with living your best life, not necessarily alcoholism) and is trying to control it with moderation.

Picture this. You’ve decided to moderate your drinking. Maybe you woke up with a killer hangover and decided you never want to feel that way again. Maybe you made an inappropriate phone call to an ex when you were drunk and you’ve decided to never get that out of control. Maybe you missed a day of work, drove drunk, had a panic attack, or felt super depressed after drinking. You’ve decided that now is the time….to drink less. Not stop drinking.

Moderation is key. We hear lots of positive things about it. Moderate drinking can help reduce drunkenness, hangovers, side effects, cancer, and other health-related diseases. Moderate drinking can actually be good for us, especially in wine right? Moderation will be so much better than not having to stop drinking because only alcoholics actually stop drinking. Obviously.

So, you set out to moderate. But what does moderate drinking mean exactly? Does it mean a certain number each day? Less than normal? No more binges? Maybe you’re out with friends and you decide that you will drink water in between drinks. You choose to break up the six-pack and leave three at home and put only three in the cooler for your outing. Maybe you decide not to drink during the week and only on the weekends, or only on Saturdays. Or, you try only one glass of wine at dinner.

Suddenly, you start feeling a bit better. It’s working, mostly, except for that one night last week when you had four instead of two. Oh, and the weekend before that where you drank that extra margarita with dinner, but overall things are much better. No hangovers, no weird text messages, life is feeling good for the most part. You still have anxiety and you wish that you didn’t have to have this obsession with how much you’re drinking. You’d prefer to not have to feel guilty when you go over your allotted amount and you really wish that you didn’t feel disappointed when you got to your last drink and you still want more. You find that you feel really tired now because once you slow your drinking it just makes you groggy. Drinking feels a bit stressful because you’re always wondering what is enough. But, it’s better than having to live a life alcohol-free right?

This is the question I get the most. People ask me all the time how I feel about moderation. The above scenario is how things played out for me for a long time. I tell people that trying to moderate my drinking was my lowest point. It was a constant battle.

When I was moderating I couldn’t be present. I was always wondering if what I had planned to drink would be enough and if I would have enough fun. I woke up every day a little off, not hungover, but never ever clear-headed (even if I only had one). Drinking just one or two drinks impacted my anxiety and my mood the next day. I couldn’t make progress toward what I wanted when I so focused on how much I would drink. If I was invited to do something fun on a day that I had decided not to drink I would stress so much, hating the invitation, and always feeling a bit resentful.

I am a type A, full throttle, high energy type of person. With most things, I’m either all in or all out. I haven’t been great at moderating anything in my life which is why things felt so hard during those times. It was a feeling of constant deprivation. I felt deprived of drinking and deprived of freedom. Shackles and chains.

Maybe your personality is chill, easy-going, and low stress. Maybe you don’t overthink, obsess, or question everything. In that case, moderation might be your jam. I believe that many people can find pure bliss by doing so. I am not one of those people.

Have you ever wondered how freeing it would be to not have to think about alcohol? Sometimes I equate no longer drinking to no longer having to pump as a nursing mom. For a year, I carried around this giant black bag. I had to frequently leave the party, the concert, or the fun to go and pump. I couldn’t leave the house without making sure I had it. I had to keep things cool and find a fridge or a cooler. It was just one more thing to worry with. Same with alcohol. I was always worrying about what I would drink, making sure I had enough but not too much. I missed half the show, the party, or the event because I was either standing in line to pee or standing in line to get a drink.

You might be wondering if it is even possible to have a good time without alcohol? Maybe you’ve never tried that. If you drink regularly, there is a scientific reason why you think that life is no fun when you’re not drinking. I highly recommend exploring that more. Don’t just jump to the idea that moderation is best. You might be surprised to find that the one thing you’ve always feared (not drinking) is so much better!

A Summer Without Alcohol

Summer is my jam. I’m most at peace when the weather is hot, a swimsuit and coverup is my most worn outfit, and outside is covered in bright green. After many months of the gray, wet, and cold I can’t wait for the hot sun to start shining down. I like the hours of endless light and one of my favorite things is wake up early, step out onto the porch, watch the sunrise, and drink my morning coffee without layers of blankets.

Well, that’s my favorite thing to do now. It wasn’t always this way.

Summer used to signify drinking season. Water, sun, and drinks went hand in hand. Drinks by the pool, drinks on the patio, drinks on the boat, and drinking by the campfire. This is the season where day drinking is totally acceptable and spending the weekends mostly buzzed is considered pure bliss. I loved nothing more than turning on some summer tunes (Kenny Chesney, Jimmy Buffett, Zach Brown Band, and even Van Morrison) and letting the stress and anxiety of all the other seasons slip away. The hot hot heat and humidity only made me more thirsty.

Cold white wine, grapefruity IPA’s, and in my last couple months of drinking-gin, water, and lime made for the perfect refresher in my sweaty Yeti. It’s no surprise that my sobriety came at the end of summer, a long season of drinking.

This is my third summer being alcohol free. As I write this we’ve just been cleared to see people and it’s Memorial Day weekend. It seems like a good time to celebrate, toast, and be filled with joy. But, this summer, I won’t be trying to amp up my joy with alcohol.

Alcohol is a tricky thing. Once you start drinking it your body produces a whole bunch of extra feel good chemicals. Then your brain is like, wow this is so great. And, for a bit, it is great. But everything that happens after that sucks. Once your brain realizes that it was too much of those great chemicals it tries to regulate by taking them all away which causes stress and adrenaline. Your brain gets pissed! It’s like, No Wait, I want more of the good feelings, so it starts to dim all of the other good things making it so that you feel like you need to have alcohol to enjoy things. After a certain point, you kind of do.

That’s why I thought, in order to enjoy summer, I needed a cold drink in my hand. My brain tricked me into believing that things weren’t as fun if I wasn’t drinking. Now that the alcohol is long gone and my brain and body have healed I realize that it was never the drinking that made summer epic. It’s wasn’t listening to Jimmy Buffett with a margarita in hand that made things good, it was listening to Jimmy Buffet. It wasn’t drinking by the pool with friends, it was being with friends at a pool. It wasn’t boating and drinking, it was boating, the water, the views, and the sun. Now that I’m so far removed it’s kind of like saying that I needed to be holding a chicken leg in order to have a good time. Sounds silly right?

Today, I woke up early and had coffee on the porch with my husband. I took my time, listened to the birds, and noticed things. I noticed how much I love iced coffee and how I can drink it slow because I don’t need it to wake me up or stave off a hangover. I went for a run and listened to some epic music. I didn’t have to punish myself for too many drinks or smell beer coming from my pores. I meditated outside while sweating and let the sun beat down on my body. I made cinnamon toast and eggs for breakfast and my hands weren’t shaking with a queasy stomach. I didn’t spend a single second wondering what I said yesterday or about what I need to pack in the cooler for the boat later today. If I don’t pack a single thing I’ll still have a good time.

This summer will be simple. It will be covered in sunscreen, sun, and sweat and not a bit of regret. I feel so happy to not have to ever feel hungover again and to never have to try to regulate what I’m drinking. After so many years of drinking, then thinking about my drinking, there’s nothing more freeing than being rid of the whole thing. I used to feel sorry for people who “couldn’t drink.” In my days of confusion, I thought I was the one living. Now I realize that I couldn’t have been more wrong.

5 Books That Have Helped My Anxiety

For me, books have been the gateway to mental, physical, and spiritual health. I’ve read my way through anxiety, to living alcohol free, and to changing my mindset time and time again. Below are a few of the the books that have helped me heal in many ways. It’s no surprise that I’ve found the authors of these books extending so much love and support during this difficult time.

The Universe Has Your Back by Gabby Bernstein

This book (and all of Gabby’s work has been monumental in helping me heal my anxiety). I had lost my way when it came to spirituality and she helped me believe in something bigger than myself.

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Braving the Wilderness by Brenè Brown

Right now we are in a vulnerable time. This book will explain why being vulnerable feels so hard and what we can do about it.

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How To Be Here by Rob Bell

This is a very simple explanation of the gifts that can come from staying in the moment.

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This Naked Mind by Annie Grace

I know it seems like drinking may help take your mind off things and ease anxiety. But that’s actually the opposite of what drinking does. This book will explain the toll that alcohol takes on your body as well as why you think you need it to relax.

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I Am Peace by Susan Verde

This is a children’s book. There are few lines in it that my family repeats regularly. It is so helpful in some physical and emotional ways to let go of worry.

This Is Not The Time To Drink.

Fear is a tricky emotion.  One thing I think we could all agree on is that fear feels terrible.  No one wants to feel it and so we spend enormous amounts of time, money, resources, and efforts trying to avoid it at all costs.

We think we have control and that if we push it away, escape, and pretend it’s not there that it will stay far away in the distance.  We don’t connect that its fear that wakes us up in the middle of the night, makes us physically sick at times, and causes all kinds of other bothersome behaviors that we wish we didn’t do.

But fear is unavoidable.  We all have it.  It’s part of being a human.  It’s actually a survival skill that started as a way to protect us from being chased by a bear or eaten by a tiger.  When we feel it our body jumps into protection mode and sends our brains a big surge of chemicals that tell us “Oh shit, something bad is happening so I either need to fight this off or flee.”

How does a fight or flight response help us when the world is facing a historical pandemic?  Good question. For starters, we can’t physically fight off having the flu.  There is no jab, punch, or karate kick that could make this thing go away.  So, instead of fighting with a physical sensation we use our next most powerful tool, our words.

We use our words to yell, scream, and to project all of our fear.  And since the coronavirus can’t really listen, we displace our anger onto other people. This looks like people writing mean things on Facebook or Instagram.  First, it’s targeted toward the government, then onto doctors, then onto other countries who “started it.”  Then, it’s onto people who are trying to be prepared.

High fear means highly agitated so we will also ooze this onto our family and friends.  We might feel edgy and find ourselves snapping at our kids for no reason or rolling our eyes when our scared neighbor tells us she stocked up on toilet paper.   

Next, for those of us (like me) who prefer to flee when you see a bear coming.  You might respond by trying to escape.  Since we cannot literally run away from the Coronavirus then we are likely to find ways to numb.  Drinking, overeating, scrolling away on Instagram, shopping online for things that have nothing to do with the current situation, and making fun of the virus altogether.  

All of these methods might feel good in the moment but they are short-lived and will come back with a vengeance if used long term.  Drinking too much and eating foods that have no nutritional value will weaken your immune systems making you more susceptible to illness.  

One more shitty thing about fear is that it often triggers more fear.  Have some unresolved childhood trauma?  Experienced a crisis in the past?  Unresolved loss?  You can bet, anytime more fear comes up you may feel triggered again.  This is confusing and can lead to a whole host of emotional turmoil.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have experienced a lot of these feelings.  When I first heard about Coronavirus I rejected it as being an issue and believed that alarmists were trying to scare me into thinking something bad was happening.  As the closings, cancellations, and people I trusted started to respond I began to feel nervous and noticed my anxiety rising and some anger coming up.  Then, last night I ate an entire portion of chips and queso by myself while scrolling through IG with my heart pounding and palms sweating.  I started to cry when I heard the news of school cancellations.  When I thought about the economical impact that this will have and the children left home alone with no lunch I felt sick from the food I ate and spent most of the night awake with a stomachache.

So, I woke up early to write this up as a reminder that it’s ok if you’re scared.  It’s ok to not know what is happening and to feel lost.  It’s ok if you experienced fear and then projected it out in all the wrong ways.  It’s ok to forgive people who don’t know how to deal with their own fear.  

But the one thing I know for sure is that the only way out is through.  No amount of rejection, avoidance, numbing, or projection is going to solve this.  You will have to feel your fear. You will not spontaneously combust like you think you will.  You will not implode.  

You may need to ask for help.  You will need to lean on your loved ones (from a safe distance of course).  You may need some amped-up therapy sessions.  But now is the time to take care of your body and your soul.  Putting your mental and physical health first is actually the one thing that you can control.

If you’ve derailed as I have then let’s get back on track.  Love is the best defense against fear.  Let’s make our bodies our priority by drinking lots of water, eating nourishing foods, limiting social media, and getting enough sleep.  Let’s share love with others by offering compassion and acceptance that we are all at different stages in our processing. And let’s love on those who need us most by being socially responsible and accepting that, while we may not be directly affected by this virus, we can reduce the impact for those who are.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and information, get that right here.