Dear 2020. A Love Letter.

Dear 2020,

Wow. I mean, wow. You, 2020, have been quite dramatic. Every time I tried to go and do my thing you were like “Hey, look at me, I’ve got news for you!” You weren’t gentle either. You came in strong, abrupt, and even angry. I felt personally attacked. I tried getting back up and you knocked me down over and over again making me face the truth. Why?

I’m sorry. Don’t get mad. I know why. I wasn’t really listening and I get that now. I got lazy, complacent, and mostly distracted and forgot to do the important things that you needed me to do.

I said I cared about the Earth but then I got busy and did a lot of things that were really mean to Mother Nature. I said I wasn’t racist but I got too lazy to ever do anything to stand up for black people or educate myself on their needs. I said I wanted to spend more time with my kids but I got sucked into “busyness” which seemed easier than parenting and I failed to engage with them. I said I wanted to support local businesses but then I went to Target because it was more convenient for me. I said I was healed but you showed me that I hadn’t finished my personal work and that I still have a long way to go. I forgot how delicate this one short life is and went on acting as I would live forever and that I was in control of when it all ends.

So, you acted out. I’m not gonna lie, it was a little much for my style, but you got your point across. You stopped me in my tracks and you showed it all to me. On the news, in my social feed, in the eyes of those who have experienced horrific loss, in my children’s faces as they turned to me for answers. You acted like Uncle Frank in Home Alone “Look what you did, you little jerk.”

At first, I was shocked. I responded to you “It’s not me, it’s them. Look what they did! I’m mad too 2020! Let’s get them!!” You had me so stressed out. I was fighting with my loved ones, blaming everyone who didn’t think just like me, walking around in a fit of rage adding nothing valuable to any of the problems.

But you kept reminding me that it is me. I was taking life for granted. I was taking love for granted. I was taking time for granted.

So, I stopped fighting you. I stopped combatting everything you did. I stopped trying to control you. I stopped running from you. I couldn’t hide. Instead, I was forced to just listen and accept all that you offered. Shockingly, I didn’t implode like I thought I would.

I even learned a few things. I learned about the areas of myself that still need healing. The parts that I tried to bury under work tasks and parenting stress. I learned about being present, not while meditating, but in general, because this moment is the only real one I have. I learned about time, how it flies by, and stands still simultaneously. I learned about acceptance, both for myself and others. I learned that I can do hard things. In fact, it’s the avoidance of the hard thing that’s actually hard.

So, I guess I want to say two things to you, 2020. Thank you but also you suck. Facing challenges is hard, the unknown is so scary, and loss is tragic. Dealing with you has been brutal and I’m a little scarred. But as Rumi says “The wound is the place where the light enters.”

Love,

Samantha

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Samantha Wrote a Book (and why you care)....

My greatest weakness of all time is impulsivity. It usually shows up in the decision-making process and goes something like this.

-I am faced with making a decision.

-This makes me very uncomfortable (no matter how big or small).

-I make the decision as quickly as possible to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

-It was the wrong decision because I didn’t think it through.

-I have to undo the decision I made, costing me ample amounts of time and money.

-I have to make the decision again and now I feel anxious and drained.

There are lots of reasons why I do this and anxiety is probably the biggest factor. But sometimes, this terrible weakness of mine works in my favor. One night I was laying in bed scrolling Instagram. I came across a story from a stranger by the name of Anna David. At the time, I wasn’t sure why I started following her. Maybe because I knew she was a writer? Maybe because she was in the same circle with someone else I followed? Maybe because I impulsively hit “follow” without any thought process whatsoever? Maybe because the Universe stepped in and took charge?

She had a series of posts about writing books. One of them said “Do you want to write a book? If yes, swipe up.” So, naturally, without thinking things through I swiped up, then I filled out a questionnaire and before I knew it I had signed up for one year writing course to self-publish my book.

Had I taken the time to actually think this through I would’ve come up with a million excuses of why I can’t write a book and self-publish.

-It’s hard.

-I hate hard things.

-I don’t know how.

-I have no time.

-I have two little kids.

-I’m not a real writer.

-I have no writing degree.

-I don’t have the authority to write a book.

-This takes time and I like to get things over with as soon as possible.

-This is not for me.

Don’t get me wrong, after I wrote the check and signed on the dotted line I wondered if this decision was going to go as poorly as most of my other decisions. Luckily, it did not. Anna told me what to do (and since I hate making decisions of my own) I just did exactly as she instructed. One step at a time I wrote an entire book and then self-published it. Now, I’m a published author and there is a memoir out there for you to read (almost-it’ll be available on Amazon on Jan. 1st). The process was remarkably eye-opening and not only have I written a book but I’ve made new friends and expanded my knowledge of writing. My impulsivity was a good thing for once!

I’m telling you this for two reasons. First, thinking through decisions is important but sometimes we overthink our way out of things. In the case of writing a book, had I taken the time to think about it there would have been no way that I would have followed through with this. Are you overthinking something?

Secondly, you should read my book. Here’s why:

-You’re nosy and you want to know the inner workings of my life.

-You like Memoirs.

-You like to be entertained.

-You can’t remember exactly how your views around alcohol formed.

-You have anxiety.

-You have depression or postpartum depression.

-You’re a mom.

-You’re living a healthy lifestyle but still drinking.

-You’re a physical and/or mental health professional and you’re not talking to your patients about alcohol regularly.

-You’re a fitness or health coach.

-You wonder if you drink too much.

-You hate hangovers.

-You’ve been on one million crash diets but you’ve never considered giving up alcohol.

-You’re having trouble getting your (insert mental health issue) under control and you’ve tried everything (except not drinking, probably because no one ever suggested trying this).

-You think sobriety is for “alcoholics.”

The book is coming out on 1/1/2021 on Amazon and I’m telling you now so that you can be thinking about whether or not you want to buy it, in case you’re one of those people who likes to think things through…

3 Coping Skills You Need To Get You Through This Election Day....

When I originally wrote this post I described all of the things that made this election year feel different from the times past. But it occured to me that for so many people, every election feels like this. In fact, many Americans spend election days hoping that the people put in power to make decisions will keep them safe.

In times like these most of us are looking for coping skills that work fast. Alcohol is a big one on that list because it’s pretty cheap, works quickly, and is readily available. But, I know from personal experience that while alcohol did take away the stress for a bit, it really didn’t make me feel better. In the long term, it amped up the level of cortisol pumping through my veins making me more angry and irritatedl.

Here are 3 coping skills that I plan to use no matter the outcome of the election.

1. Stay off social media. When I read through social media posts I see a lot of energy being exchanged. So much passion, excitment, anger, rage, and more is being spread across the screen. What if instead of arguing with people behind screens on social media posts we used our energy toward what we believe? When the vote is decided I suggest taking a walk outside and thinking deeply about your role in this country. Decide what you personally think is best for the greater good (not just you) and then find one small way to do something about it. If every single person put small acts toward making our country better for everyone I think this country could in fact become better for everyone. Don’t waste what very little energy you have on social media arguments.

2. Let go of things you can’t control. I’ve voted, begged, pleaded, donated, prayed, and signed petitions over and and over again. Beyond that, there isn’t much I can do about who becomes the next President of the U.S. Taking action is very important but so is resting and recharging so that you can build up stamina for when it’s needed. If you’ve taken action and things didn’t turn out how you hoped, it’s okay to take a break. Rest, reset, and allow yourself to feel your feelings. You can do this by reading something entertaining, listening to good music, moving your body, journaling, meditating, watching an old favorite movie. It’s okay to hold space for your feelings.

3. Talk to someone. Right now, things feel terribly divided. It might even feel like you don’t know how to act, behave, or even be in the same space with people who don’t think like you. Talking with a friend or even a trained therapist can you help you see that these feelings are normal. Processing what you’re feeling can help you better navigate sticky situations and help you release some assumptions. I’ve always found that once I say what I’m feeling out loud, it’s not nearly as bad as the beast that was forming in my thoughts.

2020 has been really hard. There’s no shame in feeling low, exhausted, unmotivated, and even more anxious than ever before. There is so much going on right now. Just remember that you’re not alone and there is always help. Here are some resources that I find helpful:

Mental Health Lou

Join Tempest

Amanda O’bryan Wellness

Sober Mom Squad

Meridian Integrative Wellness

The Luckiest Club

The Social Dilemma

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Take Control Of Your Social Media Addiction

As I write this, my 6-year-old daughter is looking at a little compact mirror that holds a brush pretending that she got “103 views” on the fake video she just “posted” to her compact mirror that she is using as a phone. This is extremely ironic since I watched The Social Dilemma yesterday and spent most of last night awake feeling highly concerned for our world. This behavior likely came from a combination of watching me stare at my phone (humiliating to actually write that) and a show that she watches (ahem…used to watch because I plan to ban it from her viewing) where the girl character talks about her social media accounts.

In 2013, my daughter had just turned one and I was settling into my new role as a stay at home mom. I was pretty isolated and only had the company of my two, mostly non-verbal, bald-headed babies. I spent my days changing diapers, sweeping up cheerios, putting toys back in bins, and staring at Facebook. Since I no longer had any ongoing real social interaction I turned to Facebook as a way to see what was up with my friends, family, and the world at large.

It wasn’t long until my anxiety grew, I thought the world was the absolute worst place to live in, and I had guilt about bringing two small children into this mess of a place. According to Facebook, there was a giant divide among politics (so big that it was obvious there would be no settling or no solutions), a divide among humanity (only made up of those who were good and those who were evil), and millions of reasons to feel worried, scared, depressed, agitated, anxious, and basically bad all of the time. Since Facebook was my only outlet to the world, I believed the things I read to be true. And since Facebook was my only social interaction (around the time of an election) I believed most things were bad. Really bad.

That’s when I can pinpoint a change in my drinking. I remember drinking because I felt stressed instead of drinking because I was looking for a good time. After a day spent on Facebook, I needed a drink due to the exhaustion of taking in so many different posts. Posts about politics that concerned me, posts about people’s jobs I didn’t have, posts about new haircuts I wish I had gotten, posts about dinners I wanted to be invited to, posts about vacations that I didn’t go on, and so much more. It was the beginning of a very dark time.

Fast forward three years later to the time a pandemic hit our country. Again, nowhere to go and nothing to do and I found myself not only on Facebook but also on various social media apps. I mean more is always better right? News, stories, articles, opinions, posts, likes, follows, stress, anxiety, anger, and if you’ve been reading this for any amount of time…a breakdown.

I quit social media and I felt 75% better within days. I didn’t have to read conspiracy theories, I didn’t have to question the source, I didn’t have to be faced with angry people and their opinions on things that they have no experience with. It was so freeing. It’s not that I needed to go back to the doctor and reconsider my medication, I needed to get off the screen and back to my life.

Over the last three years, I have learned a lot about addiction. Most of us think of addiction in terms of drug use. But people can be addicted to anything. In fact, addiction starts as a way to make us feel better. We engage in something, it feels really really good at the moment, so our brains tell our bodies to go back for more. Over time this can become impulsive and problematic. Most of us go back for more without even realizing that we’re doing it. That’s what makes it dangerous. It happens beneath the surface and behind the scenes.

Social media is addictive. It’s designed to be that way by professionals who know how our brains work. The scroll, the autofill, the millions of little ways that it draws you in are not by accident but by a deliberate attempt to pull you back to your screen. You see, the more time you spend, the more you are being advertised to, and therefore the more money is made for the big corporations that are paying for this “free tool” that we all have.

I am a constant target for alcohol ads. I use the word beer, wine, alcohol, and drinking a lot in my social media feeds and posts. Because of this, if I’m on social media I’m seeing tons of ads for wine, beer, and alcohol companies. The algorithms are pretty smart for picking up the word “alcohol” but they haven’t quite figured out how the word “free” fits into everything. This is a constant reminder for me that I am being targeted.

We have all experienced a time when we looked up something on google and the next thing we know it shows up in social feeds as an advertisement. In fact, many people might say that they just thought of something and it showed up in your feed. If you watch The Social Dilemma, you’ll learn that it also deliberate because the technology is designed to learn everything about us.

Ok, so what? Who cares if I ended up buying something that I was thinking about buying anyway right? What’s the big deal? Well, it’s not just that we’re being marketed to. There is lots of evidence to show that depression, anxiety, and mental illness are on the rise since social media came onto the scene (especially among teenagers). And who hasn’t been emotionally affected when you see that all of their friends had dinner together last night and you weren’t invited or when your great Aunt Rosie posts something in direct opposition to what you firmly believe to be true? Who has felt worse or scared after reading an article about a kidnapping, a murder, or climate change?

It’s likely that if you’re one of the thousands of people in the world who drink alcohol, you may have decided to have a drink after a day spent reading exhausting social media articles. Social Media equals stress, we drink when we’re stressed, and things can go lots of different (not good) ways from there.

Many of us think that we are protected from addiction. It won’t happen to us. We think we are not genetically exposed. We don’t have family members who suffer from addiction. We think we have control. We think we can outsmart it. Maybe some of us can. I am not one of those people. I am not someone who knows how to stop the release of feel-good chemicals when I see pleasing pictures or eat sugar. Our brains are far more capable than our thoughts.

With everything going on in the world right now, it might be a good idea to learn about how and why our body responds to certain stimuli. It might be a good time to assess how much time you’re actually spending on social media and how it is really affecting your health. For example, I thought I was spending a couple of hours a day but it turned out it was far more than that.

Start a journal or a feelings chart. Mark or think about how you’re feeling before you get on and how you feel when you get off. What goal do you want to accomplish when you get on your accounts? Did you mean to do something work-related or did you mean to spend an hour mindlessly scrolling and ignoring your kids? Was there something specific you were looking for? Did you drink afterward? Take a class to learn about how it’s affecting you. Watch the movie. Get in the know. Being informed doesn’t mean you have to quit altogether, it just means that you have some awareness around your use.

Sobriety, for me, means never turning away from the truth. The truth frequently sucks. There’s work and it’s tiring but not nearly as tiring as continually doing something that makes me feel guilty and anxious.

5 Books That Have Helped My Anxiety

For me, books have been the gateway to mental, physical, and spiritual health. I’ve read my way through anxiety, to living alcohol free, and to changing my mindset time and time again. Below are a few of the the books that have helped me heal in many ways. It’s no surprise that I’ve found the authors of these books extending so much love and support during this difficult time.

The Universe Has Your Back by Gabby Bernstein

This book (and all of Gabby’s work has been monumental in helping me heal my anxiety). I had lost my way when it came to spirituality and she helped me believe in something bigger than myself.

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Braving the Wilderness by Brenè Brown

Right now we are in a vulnerable time. This book will explain why being vulnerable feels so hard and what we can do about it.

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How To Be Here by Rob Bell

This is a very simple explanation of the gifts that can come from staying in the moment.

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This Naked Mind by Annie Grace

I know it seems like drinking may help take your mind off things and ease anxiety. But that’s actually the opposite of what drinking does. This book will explain the toll that alcohol takes on your body as well as why you think you need it to relax.

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I Am Peace by Susan Verde

This is a children’s book. There are few lines in it that my family repeats regularly. It is so helpful in some physical and emotional ways to let go of worry.

This Is Not The Time To Drink.

Fear is a tricky emotion.  One thing I think we could all agree on is that fear feels terrible.  No one wants to feel it and so we spend enormous amounts of time, money, resources, and efforts trying to avoid it at all costs.

We think we have control and that if we push it away, escape, and pretend it’s not there that it will stay far away in the distance.  We don’t connect that its fear that wakes us up in the middle of the night, makes us physically sick at times, and causes all kinds of other bothersome behaviors that we wish we didn’t do.

But fear is unavoidable.  We all have it.  It’s part of being a human.  It’s actually a survival skill that started as a way to protect us from being chased by a bear or eaten by a tiger.  When we feel it our body jumps into protection mode and sends our brains a big surge of chemicals that tell us “Oh shit, something bad is happening so I either need to fight this off or flee.”

How does a fight or flight response help us when the world is facing a historical pandemic?  Good question. For starters, we can’t physically fight off having the flu.  There is no jab, punch, or karate kick that could make this thing go away.  So, instead of fighting with a physical sensation we use our next most powerful tool, our words.

We use our words to yell, scream, and to project all of our fear.  And since the coronavirus can’t really listen, we displace our anger onto other people. This looks like people writing mean things on Facebook or Instagram.  First, it’s targeted toward the government, then onto doctors, then onto other countries who “started it.”  Then, it’s onto people who are trying to be prepared.

High fear means highly agitated so we will also ooze this onto our family and friends.  We might feel edgy and find ourselves snapping at our kids for no reason or rolling our eyes when our scared neighbor tells us she stocked up on toilet paper.   

Next, for those of us (like me) who prefer to flee when you see a bear coming.  You might respond by trying to escape.  Since we cannot literally run away from the Coronavirus then we are likely to find ways to numb.  Drinking, overeating, scrolling away on Instagram, shopping online for things that have nothing to do with the current situation, and making fun of the virus altogether.  

All of these methods might feel good in the moment but they are short-lived and will come back with a vengeance if used long term.  Drinking too much and eating foods that have no nutritional value will weaken your immune systems making you more susceptible to illness.  

One more shitty thing about fear is that it often triggers more fear.  Have some unresolved childhood trauma?  Experienced a crisis in the past?  Unresolved loss?  You can bet, anytime more fear comes up you may feel triggered again.  This is confusing and can lead to a whole host of emotional turmoil.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have experienced a lot of these feelings.  When I first heard about Coronavirus I rejected it as being an issue and believed that alarmists were trying to scare me into thinking something bad was happening.  As the closings, cancellations, and people I trusted started to respond I began to feel nervous and noticed my anxiety rising and some anger coming up.  Then, last night I ate an entire portion of chips and queso by myself while scrolling through IG with my heart pounding and palms sweating.  I started to cry when I heard the news of school cancellations.  When I thought about the economical impact that this will have and the children left home alone with no lunch I felt sick from the food I ate and spent most of the night awake with a stomachache.

So, I woke up early to write this up as a reminder that it’s ok if you’re scared.  It’s ok to not know what is happening and to feel lost.  It’s ok if you experienced fear and then projected it out in all the wrong ways.  It’s ok to forgive people who don’t know how to deal with their own fear.  

But the one thing I know for sure is that the only way out is through.  No amount of rejection, avoidance, numbing, or projection is going to solve this.  You will have to feel your fear. You will not spontaneously combust like you think you will.  You will not implode.  

You may need to ask for help.  You will need to lean on your loved ones (from a safe distance of course).  You may need some amped-up therapy sessions.  But now is the time to take care of your body and your soul.  Putting your mental and physical health first is actually the one thing that you can control.

If you’ve derailed as I have then let’s get back on track.  Love is the best defense against fear.  Let’s make our bodies our priority by drinking lots of water, eating nourishing foods, limiting social media, and getting enough sleep.  Let’s share love with others by offering compassion and acceptance that we are all at different stages in our processing. And let’s love on those who need us most by being socially responsible and accepting that, while we may not be directly affected by this virus, we can reduce the impact for those who are.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and information, get that right here.

Why Do Moms Drink So Much?

If you’ve been alive and awake for 30 seconds then it’s likely you’ve encountered some kind of message regarding mothers and drinking.  Maybe it was a funny facebook post that said Mommy’s Sippy Cup.  Maybe it was a commercial or movie of moms drinking to take the edge off.  Maybe it was an ad for that coloring book that says My Kids Are The Reason I Drink.  Maybe you walked through any store, gas station, cafe, or gym and saw one of the “hilarious” t-shirts that says They whine, I wine.

Sadly, none of these “ads” are from alcohol companies.  Alcohol companies have no need to advertise drinking to moms because, just like everything else we take care of, we’ve done it for them.  These ads are from one mother to another rationalizing our behavior and begging each other for support. 

That’s how hard it is to be a mom.

Today’s parenting is an impossible task.  Mothers have more skills, resources, and information than ever before.  We now have the ability to work and take care of our children.  We’re empowered to follow our dreams and to make change.  We’re finally being given positions of power and we are inching our way toward equality. We’re given the right and responsibility to raise strong women and forward thinking men.  We’re free from so many of the chains and setbacks of the women before us.  

But because of all of these great changes, the expectations are high.  Now that we know better, we feel like our children need perfectly prepared organic meals on BPA free plastic plates.  They need piano lessons, gymnastics, compassion class, karate, and a healthy bedtime on nice clean sheets.  They need structure, free play, limited screen time, and the ability to share and be kind. 

They need all of our love and to be given a “teaching moment” for every single conflict they encounter.  They need us to be present, for the love of God, and to not respond to any of our own needs until they are out of our sight, adjusted, and content.

They need us to be in charge of every single detail from packing their snack to making sure they have their homework to washing their uniforms. Oh, and let’s not forget to make sure our marriage is thriving because a stable home is crucial to development. Finally, they need us to be happy (because no child deserves to grow up with a mom who isn’t happy) so self care is vital.

It’s literally not doable! However, as women, it feels like we should try.  So we do, and then we fail, and then we drink (or just make jokes about drinking) because escaping feels like one of our only options.

Sigh.

We’re living in dangerous territory right now. Alcohol consumption among women is at it’s height.  According to an article written on WebMD:

• Female alcohol use disorder in the United States increased by 83.7% between 2002 and 2013, according to a 2017 study sponsored by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA).

• High-risk drinking, defined as more than three drinks in a day or seven in a week for women, is on the rise among women by about 58%, according to a 2017 study comparing habits from 2001-2002 and 2012-2013.

• A 2018 study found a steep rise in the rate of alcohol-related ER visits between 2006 and 2014, and increases were larger for women than men.

• Death from liver cirrhosis rose in women from 2000 to 2013.

(By the way did you see the part about “high risk drinking” being defined as more than seven drinks per week.  Seven isn’t very much when you have moms night out on Tuesday, drinks with dinner on Friday, and a few beers at the game on Sat.)

Moms-hear me now.  We can parent our children without making jokes about the use of a deadly substance!  Instead of promoting alcohol let’s promote mental health care!  Let’s make shirts about dad’s carrying some of the weight.  Let’s share funny memes about how we are not superheroes and no longer want to be considered such.  Let’s stop laughing because it’s not at all funny!

It’s not the wine that bothers me the most.  Women are standing up for their rights, asserting power, taking back control, and having a voice now more than ever before.  But at the end of the day we dilute it all with a joke about how we couldn’t do it without our drinks.  Bullshit! 

I get it.  I’ve been there. I have a deep knowing of the struggles of motherhood inside my bones.  But instead of reaching out with a silly joke to cover up the desperation, let’s be vulnerable.  Instead of judging each other, let’s work together.  Let’s come out from behind what those shirts really mean and tell the truth that this is hard and we need society to stop dumping all the blame and responsibility onto moms.  

The time has come to throw alcohol into the bucket of things that are holding women back. We can’t make women’s health a priority while clinking our glasses over funny jokes about how we can’t handle life without drinking. Our culture is in a state of crisis when it comes to addiction and I can’t help but wonder if we have something to do with this. We’re perpetuating the idea of using a dangerous chemical to live life and then laughing about how cute and funny it is?

Let’s change the narrative by making a simple change in what we say about drinking. Getting drunk while parenting is not funny and our kids deserve to know that.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and informaation, get that right here.

If You’re Not Addressing Your Alcohol Use As Part Of Your Mental Health Regime You’re Probably Hindering Your Progress

I know, bad news bear here.  I’m reading a great book called Girl Walks Out of a Bar. I am on the chapter where she knows that she is having significant issues with alcohol addiction and wakes up crying every morning.  Instead of getting honest with herself about her alcohol use she decides to go to a psychiatrist and tell her about her sadness and onset of depression-leaving the part about the alcohol out.  She says she would rather go on living a life of angst, depression, sadness, and even dying early (if that’s what it cost) than to stop drinking.  

Look, regardless of much alcohol you’re drinking, it has an impact on your mental health. Many of us don’t see the harm as we pop our pills, followed by a couple glasses of wine, and lie to our doctors about how much we drink.  But, it does. Repeated alcohol use can boost your serotonin (feel good chemicals) temporarily, but over time it lowers serotonin in the long term making it harder for you to feel good when you’re not drinking. 

So while it may seem like it’s not hurting anything (and even helping a little) you might be surprised to know how much you are altering your brain.  This is pretty basic information but it’s really hard to find especially in our “Wine Is Self Care” culture.  We are constantly getting contradicting information about how good wine is for your mood.  

Everywhere we turn there is an event popping up telling us to come drink.  I just did a quick scroll through my feed and came up with tons of drinking events-Cocktails and Coats, Parents and Pints, Martinis and Mistletoe,  Yoga and Wine.

Every single event is advertising alcohol.  Why? Mostly because we are group of people who love to drink.  Drinking sells.  But let me be clear, WINE IS NOT SELF CARE.  Waking up with a hangover after a girls night (that was meant to help you relax) will not advance your mental health.

Does this mean you have to stop drinking?  I don’t know.  But I do know that if you are experiencing mental health issues and you have “tried everything” (except not drinking) then you are selling yourself short.  It’s worth doing some research and learning the facts. Sadly,  you might be thinking (much like Lisa thought in her book and much like I thought for a very a long time too)-drinking is the only thing that really makes me feel better.  It’s just not true long term. That’s kind of like saying you’re going out to eat ice cream and cake because you’re on a diet.

My favorite teacher Holly Whitaker once wrote, “If the effects of not drinking were available in a pill, it would be the best selling drug in history.”  Read that again. This is the absolute truth of what I have found in sobriety.  In this culture we all seem to be desperately seeking that “thing” that is going to make us feel better.  We wish for it, pray for it, talk about it, read about it, try different diets, try new workouts, different therapies, conferences, classes, more this, less that……..minus alcohol.  It’s the one thing we don’t touch. That’s because we have been conditioned to believe that if we are not alcoholics then we can and should continue drinking.

Now that I live in this place of being alcohol free it’s so clear to see the negative impact that the most dangerous drug on the market is having on us.  And as much as I try to never judge-when I hear about someone having significant mental health issues, I can’t help but wonder if they just  stopped drinking would their problems dissolve?  In some cases, I am positive that the answer is yes (especially if they heal the condition that got them drinking in the first place).

It’s ok to explore your drinking as part of taking care of yourself. It’s ok to ask questions about how alcohol might be affecting you. I give you permission. That doesn’t mean you have to go to rehab. It doesn’t mean that you are an alcoholic. It doesn’t mean that you have to stop drinking forever. But it might be the missing piece and so I encourage you to do some research. 

I will be here with you confirming the information that you find, nodding my head as you start to realize what’s happening with your brain, holding your hand to get you through those confusing and tough times, and laughing alongside you when you discover how much better you feel just because you stopped drinking.  Trust me, it’s worth addressing.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and informaation, get that right here.

Is Alcohol A Trick Or A Treat?

Yesterday I saw a meme that said You never see alcohol companies putting drunk people in their ads.  Are they ashamed of their customers?  This inspired some thinking.  First of all, alcohol makes us drunk.  That’s the point right?  Well, not for everybody I guess, but it was for me.  Most of the time I drank with the intention to get drunk.

Some people drink to take the edge off, others because they love the taste, some to make a toast, to celebrate, and there are a million other reasons.  However, it’s probably pretty safe to say that many people who don’t drink with the intention of getting drunk have “accidentally” ended up drunk at one time or another.  Right?

Drunk does not equal pretty.  It wouldn’t sell.  From a vain point of view nothing is less appealing than someone slurring their speech, stumbling when they walk, and hovering over a toilet.  It’s actually disgusting.  I know this from my own personal experience.

Drunk is also dangerous.  Who would want to see an ad about someone drinking too much and then going home to abuse their wife and children?  Or a commercial on alcohol induced campus rapes?  Or hear a radio blast about the latest drunken brawl outside of your favorite pub?  Eww.  Appalling.  Not good for advertising.

But those are not the only examples of drunk.  What about the family fights over Thanksgiving dinner that are alcohol induced? Or badgering the live act begging them to play your song (wait, that was me)? Or, the embarrassment of doing or saying things that aren’t aligned with your values (going home with strangers, dancing on bars, having an anger outburst, the list goes on).

But this is what alcohol does. It makes you drunk. So why as a culture do we judge so harshly those who “can’t handle it” when it’s not made to be handled.  Why do we draw a line in the sand of us (drinkers) vs. them (alcoholics).  Why do we feel disgusted, appalled, and offended when we hear these horrible stories of what people did when they were drunk and immediately place the blame on their poor judgement, lack of awareness, shitty upbringing, mental illness, and rarely question the drug?

Ethanol (otherwise known as poison) is the part of alcohol that makes you drunk.  It crosses into the blood, heads straight for your organs, and interferes with transmitters (those really important things that send messages to you to tell you what to do). Of course, there are early warning signs letting you know that your body is having a reaction to the drug. But guess what, once in your system, the alcohol starts screaming for more alcohol because it’s a highly addictive chemical.

So we’re left with a brain that is functioning much slower than normal and a body screaming that it wants more alcohol. This means that we sometimes say yes to “just one more” even when we know we shouldn’t. Kenny Chesney sang all about it in his “You and Tequila” song in the line One is one too many and one more is never enough.

There are many more factors here but it’s true that many people who drink alcohol have gotten drunk. Yet, instead of normalizing this (since this is what alcohol does) we blame the user. We say things like “Poor Jimmy, he must have a problem.”  “Sally Sue got drunk again last night, sorry bastard.”  “Let’s stop hanging out with Bobby, he’s a sloppy drunk.”  

I think we’re scared that if we question alcohol that someone might take it away from us. Or, worse, someone might question our own personal use.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  We can cross over that line in the sand and admit that yes, we might love to drink, but also acknowledge how ethanol can be problematic.

We have no problem acknowledging the danger of drugs (many of which are far less addictive and deadly than alcohol).  So, why not go there with alcohol?  If we made this teeny tiny shift in our awareness we could stop isolating people. 

What if we stopped glamorizing alcohol for the elite who “can handle it” and shaming those who can’t? What if we stopped playing into the stigma that you must hit rock bottom, get arrested, hurt someone, or drive drunk in order to quit drinking?  What if we accept quitting as a healthy personal choice like we accept going vegan or gluten free?  What if we stopped laughing at how out of character we got after a few glasses of wine? What if we truly acknowledged how addictive and dangerous the chemical is? Could we make an impact on one of the 15 million people affected?  I think yes.

So, this Halloween as you take in all the treats your heart desires don’t forget about the tricks that many of them come with. We’re not immune to the effects of alcohol (interrupted sleep, unintended weight gain, lack of connection, fogginess, dulled skin, mental health issues, etc.) even if you don’t fall into the category of alcoholic.

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The last supper…..Well, actually just the last WINE with supper.

It was the perfect September weekend. The humidity was gone but it was still hot. We had just gotten our boat and we were dying to use it as much as possible before the end of summer. We invited some close friends to come spend the weekend at our little cabin. Everything was great. But it wasn’t. I had been drinking a ton that week leading up to this trip. And, if I am being honest, I had been drinking a ton for years leading up to this trip. But this week I had taken a turn for the worst.  

The kids were back in school and the fall beers had just hit the market.  I was waking up everyday with a hangover and blaming it on our kids for not "sleeping through the night." A hangover meant severe anxiety (combined with crazy  irrational thoughts), severe body aches, and profuse sweating. Really awesome. So, the only logical solution to battle the hangover was to wait until “happy” hour and try to end the suffering. This particular week though I noticed that the suffering remained and with it came this intense anger. So “happy” hour usually consisted of me snapping at my children, yelling at my husband, and passing out by nine because I was just “so tired.”

Also, side note here. To the outside world I was kicking ass in life. I was super social, I was volunteering a ton at the kids’ school, my airbandb business was doing great, I was working out every day, cooking healthy meals for my family, hosting parties for friends, being a good daughter, giving to charity.  All. The. Things. Buuuutt, I also was also getting black out drunk 2-3 (sometimes 4….ok maybe 5) nights a week.

My anxiety was affecting all of us. I was so anxious some days that I couldn’t speak. I would be unable to order a pizza or make eye contact with the mail man. I was sweating profusely all the time (gross). However, I LITERALLY did not think that it was the drinking. I thought it was motherhood, or lack of sleep, or family history of anxiety, or marriage problems, or Max starting kindergarten, or insecurity, or that I didn’t go for a run that day, or carbs!  You know? The fact that I got black out drunk did not at all enter into my mind as being a factor of why I felt like garbage.

So, we drove to the lake for a fun weekend getaway! We spent the day on the boat hanging with our friends and doing what people do when they go boating…. drink and swim. I, like most times when drinking with other people, drank two beers for every one that they had. I also had “matured” my drinking habits by graduating from light lagers to high AbV IPA’s. So, while the rest of the crew had a few day drinks on the boat I had 5 IPA’s (which are high in alcohol content). Then when we got home that evening I had switched from IPA’s to yummy Pumpkin beers (9% ABV). Because, you know, they are so dark and rich and perfect for crisp nights after drinking all day (is what I said).

Only a few hours into the evening I puked. But here’s the thing, before I puked I was able to serve dinner, clean up, get the kids to bed, make sure our guests were all set, and prep breakfast for the next day. I have always been able to get.shit.done. Nevertheless, I was so terribly drunk that my body literally heaved the alcohol out to save me from myself.  

I woke up wearing my swimsuit and glasses on the pull out couch with my sweet boy lying there sleeping next to me. As I type this I feel so embarrassed and sad. I found my way to Drew in the bedroom and asked him the same question I had asked him for years….Is it all ok? He knew exactly what I meant. Had I offended anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings? Did I sing outloud or dance while no one else was? Was I slurring? Do you think they could tell? Was anyone else drunk? Are the kids ok? And on and on. He was so kind and reassuring and rarely ever mad at me. In fact, maybe he made it too ok. I knew he was there and I could count on him.

He said yes, and I fell back to sleep. I woke up bright and early the next morning and did my thing. I made breakfast, cleaned the cabin, got the kids ready for the lake, packed the coolers, all the things. I felt miserable though, worse that I had since last time this happened (which was only a short month prior). My hands were shaking, the sweating was insane, I had cold chills, and I was so anxious that when I tried to smile and be friendly my mouth would literally shake and quiver. I spent the whole day (on the beautiful lake with the sounds of my children laughing and playing) in a state of pure misery. I made it through the day. Then something happened. 

I woke up Monday with the same.exact.hangover. But, I hadn’t had a drink the day before. My whole body shaking, sweating, (what’s with the sweating?!?!?), my head in a place of just full on crazy thoughts, not able to really speak to anyone, and the list goes on. I could not shake the 10 or so beers that I had on Sat. and it was now Monday. This was not ok and I knew it.  

I still smelled like beer and I was sooo paranoid that everyone “knew.” I had the thought like I had so many times before. I have to stop. But how? How could I possibly stop drinking?!?!?!  It’s WHAT WE DO! We hang out at breweries and eat and drink locally crafted beers. We take our kids to cool festivals and drink cool beers. We travel to wine country and beer country (literally). 

We drink with our friends, our parents, our neighbors, our kids teachers, your kids teachers, our bartenders, our yoga instructors, our cheese guy.  We drink at the farmers market, at the fundraising event, at the church picnic, at the family reunion, at weddings, at funerals, at the pool. I mean we drink! My God we drink! 

I felt the only way to stop drinking would be to dig a giant dark hole and jump into it. If I stopped drinking my life would be over. 

Up to this point, I stupidly believed that people who didn’t drink fell into three categories.  1. Pentacostals. 2. Incredibly boring people who must have no sense of joy. 3. Those suffering from a deep dark addiction and who are miserable every day bc they are void of alcohol.  People who were without alcohol must be terribly unhappy.

Despite my (very limiting) beliefs, my (now) 3 day hangover was getting the best of me. I decided to consider “thinking about stopping.” I mean it had already been 3 days and I still had the lingering taste of pumpkin beer in my mouth. So, I did what any modern woman my age would do, I googled “cool people who don’t drink.”  

My hands are shaking right now as I type because those 5 vain and petty words blasted a path for me that will forever change who I am.  A shift in perception is really all I needed. It’s all we ever need.....

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