5 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem....

Before I quit drinking, I would have loved a headline like this. My thinking was “Yes, I’ll click to see if I really have a drinking problem.” I’d read through the details while comparing my drinking to the “signs.” But, the problem was, at that time, I couldn’t really be honest with myself. I would say things to myself like “Well, I did do that……but that was only because of (insert lame excuse here).”

There’s a scientificish theory for this. It’s called confirmation bias and it means the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one's existing beliefs or theories. This means that people have a tendency to skew information to match what they want to hear. For example, if the article I read had ten things that matched my behavior as a drinker but one thing that did not (like a DUI) then I was likely to say to myself “welp, I didn’t get a DUI so I don’t have a drinking problem” regardless of the other evidence.

So I’ll start there.

1) If you’re seeking information about whether or not you have a drinking problem and then making excuses or justifications of why you do not then you might have a problem. By “problem” I don’t necessarily mean alcoholism or life-threatening liver failure. I mean that drinking is having some kind of negative effect, but you’re not quite sure exactly what that is. You drink a little more than you like, you wake up feeling foggy, and you wish you felt better. You wonder to yourself, could this be the drinking? But you feel confident it’s not-since most of what we know about drinking comes from mainstream media and you haven’t done anything like what you’ve seen in the movies. And yet, you can’t help but click on headlines like this one or google “how many drinks a day is too many?” (It’s two, by the way). That “itch” is your sign that drinking may not be serving you any longer.

2) You feel frantic or behind a lot of the time. Alcohol takes up massive time and space. Unfortunately, many adults are already stretched very thin. We are overworked. We lack proper sleep. We struggle to get through the growing amount of daily tasks. We lack time for what we love to do (hobbies, family time, healthy living, vacation, etc). Most people report that once they start drinking the thing they are doing is drinking. In other words, once happy hour rolls around they start drinking and other things (like hobbies) get pushed to the wayside. We forget to do that extra load of laundry, we didn’t make that difficult phone call to consolidate our bills, we didn’t have the energy to go to the gym, we didn’t work on our passion project after work, we didn’t decompress using art or play, etc. Drinking replaces all of those things leaving us feeling behind, unfulfilled, and frantic when the next day rolls around. It’s the drinking that creates a problem.

3) You sleep like crap. I’m currently working on my TEDx Talk coming up in Jan. That means I’ve been doing more research to refresh the role that casual drinking plays in our lives. Alcohol’s impact on sleep is massive. At first, alcohol gives you the illusion that you are relaxed. But after time, it begins to wear off and causes imbalances. Basically, good sleep requires a natural progression of sleep stages. Alcohol interrupts these stages which can lead to insomnia and increase the effects of sleep apnea. If you have a glass or two (or more) at night to help you relax it’s likely having a really negative impact on your sleep which, in turn, impacts other areas of your health. Drinking may be the problem that’s interrupting your sleep (therefore a drinking problem).

4) You have terrible anxiety. Again, scientifically speaking, alchol is really bad for your mental health. Many people turn to booze to help them decrease stress and relax. But, alcohol does not help with stress in any way. It dumps a bunch of artificial feel good chemicals into your brain making you feel tipsy at first. But then, just like with sleep, as the body begins to process what is happening it tries to balance and stabalize. Toxins are released into the bloodstream and feel-good chemicals like dopamine and serotonin are depleted. When your brain’s chemicals are out of whack, you experience more symptoms of anxiety and depression. If you are in therapy, taking meds, doing all the right things, but still drinking you might discover that you have a problem with drinking and it’s that it is worsening your mental health. (If you can’t already tell, I’m trying to get you to rethink the term “drinking problem.”)

5) You plan for drinking too much. When you start living your life in preparation for a hangover you probably have a drinking problem. Maybe you plan to have childcare all day after a concert or party you’re planning to attend. Maybe you know you will wake up in the middle of the night with a headache and dry mouth so you set water and a couple of pain relievers on your nightstand. You feel frustrated when your friends suggest dinner across town because you know you will drink too much and driving is going to be an issue. Planning for dinking begins to feel like work (if you know you know) and therefore a problem.

6) Okay, I know I said 5 but this one is important. You think life will be boring without alcohol. If you’re life is so consumed with alcohol that you can’t think of other things to do for fun then it’s likely you have placed too much emphasis on drinking and that’s a problem. I say this with love because this one was huge for me. My hobby was drinking, my favorite pastime was drinking, everything revolved around drinking. It wasn’t until I stopped that I realized how caught up I was in using alcohol to enhance my life. Again, scientifically, it does not do this. Sure, a buzz feels good at first, but alcohol dims your senses and disrupts almost every single bodily function. If we heard our friend who uses cocaine say “but nothing will be fun without it?” We would say to them…..you have a problem. Drinking is no different.

We have been brainwashed to believe that a drinking problem is DUI’s, drunken brawls at the bar, streaking naked in the street, domestic abuse, passing out with a cigarette and burning down the house. All of these things are problematic for sure. But if drinking is causing any kind of negative feelings, hangovers, regret, additional stress, etc. then it’s a problem and it’s perfectly okay to claim it as such. This doesn’t mean you’re doomed. It doesn’t mean that you must call yourself an alcoholic. Hell, it doesn’t even mean that you must become sober at once. It means that it’s okay to assess the role that alcohol plays in your life. Don’t be fooled by the stigma.

More Like This:

Alive AF-One Anxious Moms Story of Becoming Alcohol Free

Who Am I Without Alcohol? by Blair Sharp

My Husband Stopped Drinking and Here’s What He’s Got To Say About It

Who Am I Without Alcohol?

Are you one of those people who is always trying to figure out why you are the way you are? 

I am. 

But I haven’t always been that way. 

When I removed alcohol from my life in 2018, everything changed. 

I changed. 

Back when I drank, alcohol decided my actions. After the first sip, the rest was uncertain. I never knew what was going to happen when I drank. This presented many negative consequences and put me in more questionable situations than I can count. But I did it anyway. Each time hoping that nothing bad would happen, yet also knowing that I’d “deal with it” if it did. My drinking was always more important than the potential negatives it could bring. For years this is how I went through life.

I was a binge drinker from the start. When I began drinking in high school it was harmless. Yes, I found myself in bad situations back then, but young people make mistakes, right? Making mistakes is the only way to learn. Unfortunately for me, it took another 16 years before I figured it out. Throughout my years as a young adult, I put partying at the top of my to-do list. Because of this, I never learned who I was. I spent no time trying to figure myself out. Heavy drinking caused me to lose the ability to control anything around me. It caused me to lose control of myself. Control is a skill that I am still learning how to master. And maybe I never will. Maybe we’re not supposed to master any life skills. What if we're only supposed to be at least average at what we think is perfection?

Once I accepted that alcohol was to blame for many of my mistakes, I was able to start moving forward. Learning about who I am without alcohol gives me comfort when shameful thoughts about my past come to the surface.

I crave to be in control, and I know that I’m not alone. Many other ex-drinkers I’ve talked to seem to have similar issues with control. It’s funny, isn’t it? For so long we think we're in control of our drinking. Yet we’re ingesting a substance that by nature causes us to lose all control. 

Alcohol does a great job of doing what it’s intended to do. We use it to relax, or to let loose after a long day. And for a while, it works. If Alcohol was on staff at a major corporation it’d be a recipient of the employee of the month award. 

Alcohol – FIVE STARS! Would drink again!

You get my point. 

Now, let’s skip to the good part... 

After I went alcohol-free, I became in full control of my thoughts, my feelings, and my body. This was a new feeling for me. I had no idea this part was coming. For me, removing alcohol was like uncovering a new layer of myself that I didn’t know existed. 

I know it sounds silly, but at age 32 I started to grow up. I’m so thankful for that. So many people go through their entire lives not knowing who they are. They spend their days doing things they think they need to do. Many people aspire to have someone else’s life. The grass always seems a bit greener on the other side. For so long this was how I moved through life. I was surviving. 

Now that I don’t drink, I’m thriving. 

I am much more aware of the things happening around me and of myself. This newfound self-awareness is great in most situations. Many times I find myself irritated about the way something happened or didn’t happen. I get upset when things don’t go as I thought they would. But, I am in control. I’m the one calling the shots for my life, and that’s powerful.

Sometimes I wonder, If I’m in full control of myself, then why am I always striving to be in control? 

I don’t have an answer for that, but I’m working on it.

And what’s great is that I don’t have to have an answer. 

Quitting drinking doesn’t fix everything. But it does allow me to start working on the things that need fixing, and for that – I’m thankful.

Blair is an alcohol-free wife and mom from Minnesota. She works full-time outside of the home, and also does freelance writing. She is a writer for Rochester Mom, a parenting resource in her city. She is also a contributor for The Sober Curator. She's a tall introverted homebody who loves cheese and watching reality television. You can find her creating content on Instagram, on Facebook, and on her website.

Blair Sharp

Writer

I’ve Been AF for 4 Years. Here’s What I’ve Learned.

Four years ago I was looking at a blinking google search bar.  I typed in “am I an alcoholic?” and filled out an online questionnaire that confirmed I was not. I then typed how to stop drinking, rehab near me, how to stop drinking if you’re not an alcoholic, famous people who don’t drink, do Mormons drink, how to become a Pentecostal, and finally cool people who don’t drink. 

That’s when everything changed.  A blog popped up sharing story after story of a girl who didn’t drink anymore.  I had to take the words in slowly because my head was still pounding from dehydration and my hangover was not subsiding at all. I wanted to stop.  I didn’t want to drink anymore. I hated feeling sick, anxious, and hungover but I just couldn’t see a world of mine that didn’t involve alcohol.  It was just everywhere, with everyone I knew, and I didn’t want to have to be the only one who didn’t drink. I assumed I was all alone.  Well, me and this girl’s blog I had just found (Holly Whitaker).  We, she and I, were the only two women in the world who hated drinking but loved to drink and wanted to stop but didn’t know how because we weren’t alcoholics and people just don’t stop drinking for no good reason……you know?!?!?

Fast foward to today and I am a living breathing sober person who doesn’t think about drinking anymore. I didn’t think this day would come. I assumed that any person who went from drinking to not drinking would spend the rest of their day’s yearning for more. But I don’t. I don’t want to drink. I don’t wish I had some. I don’t feel lame. I no longer fantasize about having a glass of wine if I ever travel to Italy or what I will toast with at my son’s wedding. Things are over between alcohol and I. Over for good.

I don’t miss the hangovers, the hangxiety, the dread. I don’t miss the obsessing about if I’ve had enough and there’s no guilt of having too much. I no longer believe the lies that alcohol will somehow enhance my experience and make life more fun. Nor, do I believe it will relieve stress and put me at ease. I’ve moved on.

I will never again turn to alcohol for anything. I’ve found a different path, one that doesn’t alter me from who I am but instead grounds me. A path that doesn’t increase my anxiety or cause a dry mouth and a headache. I still can’t believe that I purposely made myself feel sick!!

I still have bad days. Terrible ones, at times but now my coping skills work. All the things that I’ve worked so hard at actually come through for me when I need them the most.

When I first stopped drinking if I were to read a post like this I would think “she doesn’t know what it’s like.” I would be searching, seeking, and hanging on every word trying to find out what the magic was. Where was the how-to list that would 100% guarantee that I could do this? How could I be positive that that sober life was for me? I got irritated with every blogger, author, and sober spokesperson for not sharing something like the “quick and easy guide to getting sober.”

I never found the secret or quick guide. There was no magic solution that was going to make the time go by faster. I just didn’t drink. Hour by hour at first, then day by day, then weeks, months, and now years. In the recovery world, they call this one day at a time. Every single day that I didn’t drink got me closer to today-a day that being a drinking person is no longer who I am.

Four years straight of saying “no thanks,” and “I’m good,” and “I don’t drink actually” at the seven million times alcohol has been suggested or offered to me. I’ve practiced saying it so much that now it’s completely true. I am good! All because I eliminated something toxic from my life. Not just the toxins in the drink but also the toxic thinking that it left me with.

My pros and cons list about quitting literally has no cons. The messages about how much I need booze to survive is all lies. The thinking that I would be bored or boring were false. The worry that I would have no friends was silly (I have more now than ever thanks to a flourishing sober community!). The fear that I couldn’t handle my anxiety was a farce, it was the alcohol making my anxiety so bad. On and on and on.

I’m still pissed off at alcohol. I’m not quite ready to forgive. The lies and seduction that make us believe we need it really bother me. The fact that there isn’t proper labeling and that people are choosing to drink it without knowing that it causes things like cancer, depression, and addiction enrages me. Knowing that it’s responsible for so many deaths and that we allow it to be marketed to children is what gets me going everyday. Even though I never spend one second thinking about drinking I dedicate a massive amount of energy to breaking down the myths of alcohol. In some ways, it’s given me a purpose.

Today, four years have gone by and I haven’t had a single sip of alcohol. What was once such a huge part of my life and identity has now vanished into the distance. It’s like having a tattoo that you got in college but haven’t looked at in 20 years. It’s there but it’s not who you are anymore.

I plan to keep going. I want to share my story over and over again until every single person who needs to hear it does. I want to hold up a sign that says “don’t believe this bullshit” every time I see a “they whine I wine” tea towel (or at least give my readers a pause when they see it). I want to be the foundation for a new kind of support for women and mothers that doesn’t rely on alcohol to connect, cope and feel worthy. I want to remind the world that drinking is not solution. Last, I want my posts to pop up on the desperate person’s screen who knows she can’t do it anymore……….and hope my words help her feel less alone.

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I’ve Been Alcohol Free for Two Years. Here’s What I Want You To Know.

My Husband Stopped Drinking and Here’s What He’s Got To Say About It….

For the last (almost) 4 years I’ve walked around my house spouting off facts about alcohol and our bodies.  I talk about how it increases stress, causes cancer, numbs out good feelings, gives me a headache, and more.  I wasn’t sharing these facts hoping that my husband would one day decide that he no longer wanted to drink. In fact, at first I was relieved that he still drank so that our friends didn’t think we had joined a cult and they could no longer partake in drinking around us.

I mostly shared because every time I read an article or saw a new study I was so dumbfounded and angry about the facts of alcohol being minimized in the mainstream world.  It would be impossible to roll my eyes any bigger every time I heard about a mom drinking to reduce stress or about a “clean wine company” that has somehow convinced everyone that drinking ethanol is good for your health. It’s just something i’m passionate about and while at home, I share my passions openly.

But one day, I noticed that my husband wasn’t drinking as much.  I opened up the fridge and in replacement of heavy IPA’s and the latest microbrews there were Heiniken 0.0 and a few other alcohol free craft beers.  When I asked him about it he said that he was just “trying new things.” I didn’t push him because I never wanted him to think that I wanted him to join me on this AF life………..but I couldn’t help but get a little bit excited. 

Over the next few weeks I noticed that he was getting up earlier in the mornings, free to hang out well into the evenings, and overall looking really good. His cheeks lost their puff and that swollen area around his ribcage was now flat and sexy.  When I mentioned this he brushed it off and said he’d been working really hard at training. 

Instead of asking questions, I decided to just point out all of the awesome things about being sober.  

“Isn’t it so great that you aren’t waiting for anything anymore?” or 

“Isn’t it amazing how much more fun you can have now that you are no longer being ruled by the chemicals?” I pointed out one day. 

Before long, Drew was the one pointing out all the great things about being alcohol free.  He started noticing some major changes and I was dying to get his thoughts.  So, I asked him a few things and I am so exicted to share them!

Tell us about your previous drinking habits?

Well to be honest with you it depends.  I've gone through peaks and valleys during the last 20 years depending on what was going on.  When I was training for a running or biking event I didn't drink much.  But sometimes I was an aggressive social drinker?!?  Although if I'm honest with you, it seems like during parts of my life I felt like I was going for the "Drinking Hall of Fame".  I was never just a one drink kinda guy so I either drank or I didn't.  When I drank I liked to lean into one.  

So, how long has it been since you last drank and how are you feeling?

It's been 3-4 months.  I only say that it's not a specific day as I didn't drink for a while but then had a few beers in early-May.  I was on the fence going into that as to whether I wanted to keep drinking or not but after I didn't have a great experience it was an easy decision to not drink.  I was on the fence going into it as I was feeling so good...and after the first beer made me feel like shit I'm feeling stoked to not drink.  So, my experience wasn't that I got super fucked up and stopped drinking.  I just decided not to drink.....

Do you have a long term plan?

Yea, I'd really like to start a blog about being sober and probably write a book about it.  Just kidding. I don't have any plans on drinking again.  

How do you feel about the words sober?

I'm stoked on it.  I'm loud and proud about not drinking.  Drinking was a lot of things to me and was something I did for "fun" as a kid.  Like a lot of things in my life, I'm super proud to not be doing the same thing I was doing 20 years ago for "fun" now.  I mean, at one point I inhaled helium from balloons at a friends bar mitzvah at the age of 14 but realized pretty quickly that wasn't the best choice.  I'm also a vegetarian and have been for 20+ years.  Much like being a vegetarian, I don't really or solely label myself as sober and find my identity in that.   If someone else wants to talk about not drinking I'd be stoked to chat but if someone wants to eat meat or drink alcohol that's fine with me too.  I’d be happier to talk about riding bikes, listening to hip-hop, or investing in real estate.  

Have you had any cravings and what have you used to replace that?

I wouldn't say cravings but for the first month I was really hungry all the time and craved sugar.  I could have eaten two dinners an hour apart and still been hungry.  That helped me realize the number of calories I had probably been taking in.  A month or so ago, I started drinking NA beers.  They are pretty good and I’ve been working my way through them.  I used to think I loved the taste of beer but after one or two NA’s I can't imagine drinking another. This made me realize it was the alcohol that had really gotten a hold of me.  But, like anything that you are used to and comfortable with, change Is hard.  Just like leaving a bad relationship, switching jobs, or other changes in life it’s hard to switch it up but you end up super glad you did.

Do you see what I've been talking about?

I do give you a lot of credit although I think my message about not drinking is different.  It's that just because you can drink doesn't mean you have to.  When I went to college I was given a meal card and shortly afterwards realized that I could get a pizza, bag of Doritos, and mountain dew twice a day for my meals.  After a few weeks I gained the freshman 15.  I feel about drinking in the same way….just because you can drink doesn't mean you have to.  It's just not worth trading that 10 min of "perceived fun" for feeling like shit.  I could eat cheesecake for breakfast everyday but that doesn't make sense either.  

I give you ALL the credit for helping me realize I was being lied to about drinking.  And that's the part I'm pissed about.  I always have taken pride in figuring out when I’m being duped by big business and consumerism.  I’ve been tricked that drinking will help me relax, be more social, sophisticated, more prophetic, worldly, help me celebrate, help me deal with difficulty, and just be a part of my life but that's bullshit.  It’s a drug and one that, for some reason, I had to justify to myself not to use.

That being said, I’m super proud of how you’ve helped so many people with your message about living a sober lifestyle.  You’re basically the most famous person that lives on our street! 

What are your mornings like and how has your day to day routine changed?

My mornings are similar but there is no "edge". Not drinking makes it super easy to get  going in the mornings, feel more relaxed throughout the day, be patient with my kids and family, deal with life stresses, and have more fun.  Everything is really more fun  and easier at this point.  I really notice all of the things throughout the day and take them in instead of waiting until drinking to enjoy the day.  

What do you want others to know about this? Especially those in endurance athletics?

I learned a big lesson here when it came to drinking.  I thought that because I did a 4 hour bike ride or ate clean I could make progress towards my mediocre amateur endurance athletic pursuits.  But, now I understand that it's more about what you consume than what you aren't consuming.  Even if you eat low fat, organic, low carb, vegan, or whole food diet....if you're drinking alcohol it's hard to make improvements or move forward physically or mentally in life. 

Has this impacted your creativity/motivation regarding regarding work or other interests?

THIS is the part I could talk about for days.  When I was drinking I was just getting through it.  I mean, I was doing cool things and constantly trying to personally move forward, but there was a cost.  At this point EVERYTHING is easier and my bandwidth for stuff has really increased.  Drinking and all the things that go into it and come out of it are a huge time suck. Sobriety has created space, and I’m stoked on that.

I am so pumped for Drew and really for anyone who has gotten curious to explore something that is no longer working for them.  I hope this is the first of many posts to come about sobriety as a couple, parenting sober, and much much more.  

Want More Like This:

You can buy my book here. And listen to my TEDx talk here. I do most of my writing on Substack so you can follow me there for more posts like this.

Why Thinking About Quitting Drinking Is Miserable

Thinking about quitting drinking? I get it. I did too. Almost daily for a long time. I would think about quitting drinking, google whether or not I was an alcoholic, think about all the consequences that I thought would be associated with quitting, and then go right back to drinking-resigning to the fact that I was just not the “kind of person” that would live a sober lifestyle.

What I’ve learned from other sober people is that they kind of did the same thing. Change is hard (even harder if there’s a chemical involved making you think that you need it more than you do). While it’s a really good idea to consider the options and possibilities before making a big change, thinking about changing isn’t change. It’s just something we do that occupies space and buys us time.

Sometimes what we need is time. However the right time isn’t always what we think. For example, the best time to quit drinking doesn’t come along when all the bars are closed, there are no family obigations, and our calenders are cleared of all social events that might trigger us to drink for the rest of our lives. That sure would be nice (current events might make this a lot easier). Unfortunately though, if you’re thing is alcohol, you’ll likely never find a time when it’s not a factor. It’s everywhere.

The right time is often right now. The moment that we are again pondering or thinking about quitting drinking. In fact, the only regret I have about quitting drinking is not doing it sooner. Don’t we hear that a lot? People who’ve left marriages, changed jobs, lowered their cholesterol, ran a marathon, etc. usually say that they wish they’d done it sooner. They’ve discovered that the worries and fears holding them back were not what they thought. The positive outcomes of the change outweighed any negative consequences.

For me, I finally reached a point where thinking about quitting drinking was actually harder than just quitting drinking. Waking up trying to decide if it was the alcohol making me feel bad or if adulthood was, in fact, just that shitty was becoming exhausting. Worrying about ways to decrease my anxiety while having a hunch that alcohol might be contributing was making me uneasy. Wondering what life would be like alcohol-free was agonizing. Eventually, staying the same felt like it was no longer an option (even though I was in no way ready to change).

Discomfort and pain were the factors that led me to finally change. My pros/cons list was long gone. But why does is have to be that way? When did we start buying into the idea that we only change when things hit “rock bottom?” Why did I have to pile on more regrets, experience more anxiety, and more emotional suffering? Why weren’t the cons on my list enough-hangovers, increased anxiety, hating myself when I drank too much, embarrassing myself, etc.?

The one thing that I’ve learned from living alcohol-free is that I don’t know what I don’t know. I literally had no idea what it would be like to embrace an alcohol free lifestyle. I had never once in my life done that. Sure, there were times with no alcohol-pregnancy, cleanses, diets, illness, etc. but I always felt like drinking was a part of me. It was “what I did” and “who I was.” So no matter what I put down on those lists and how much time I spent thinking about what it would be like to not drink anymore, I really didn’t have a clue what I was talking about.

Thinking about quitting drinking is not quitting drinking. You can research, read, detail, and devise a plan. Maybe you plan to read a book or two, attend an AA meeting, only drink on Saturdays, drink wine instead of bourbon, only have drinks socially, only drink between the hours of 5-6, or when it’s fall, or at weddings. Maybe you want to watch that documentary first or listen to that podcast. Maybe you want to poll your friends or try to decide how every single person you’ve ever met in your life is going to feel about you once you stop. The reality is, you just won’t know what’s it’s like until you try. There’s a great quote out there (and I can’t remember who said it). It goes something like 100% of people who quit drinking all did this one thing. They quit drinking. It really is that simple. They just stopped opening the can or the bottle and putting it up to their lips and swallowing.

Start there and then work on figuring out the rest with the support that you need. For some people it might be rehabilitation, support groups, and lots of helpful resources. For me, it was unlearning, relearning, and trusting that, in time I would benefit. That my mind, body, and soul would reap the benefits of living a sober life.

Feel free to replace the word alcohol with that thing you’ve been agonizing about. What’s the thing that keeps you up at night or nags you everytime you do it? Maybe it used to be really fun and it served a great purpose so you think you should still hang on. Maybe it once brought you happiness and connection. But it’s just not doing that anymore and deep down you know that. Buuuuuutttttttt………change sucks and maybe you think that staying the same would be easier than changing. It’s usually not.

My suggestion is to go with something new. Since you already know what it’s like to drink-why not try making that pros/cons list as a more informed, diverse human who has had the experience as a drinker AND a non drinker? Once I did that my list changed A LOT:

PRO to Quitting: CONS to Quitting:

Alive N/A

5 Things That Helped Me Stop Drinking

Thinking of giving up alcohol? Trying Sober October? Today, I feel excited to share 5 things that helped me stop drinking!

1. Mindset. If I’m being honest, when I quit alcohol on September 17, 2017 it wasn’t my first attempt. I had tried to quit drinking on several occasions. I never really came out and said “I think I need to quit drinking.” Instead, I would hide it under some kind of diet or cleanse. I attempted to diet and eliminate alcohol as a form of punishment while white knuckling and hating every minute of it. Those attempts all failed and when the cleanse or diet was over, I wound up drinking more. This time, the time I’m sure will last forever, I felt tired. I was so over hating drinking, punishment, and trying to count how many drinks I was going to have. Thanks to Holly’s blog and This Naked Mind I was able to look at my alcohol use through a different lense. Instead of trying to decide if I was or wasn’t an alcoholic I decided to explore how alcohol was afffecting me emotionally and physically. Instead of setting out for a life of sobriety I just wondered what would happen if I didn’t drink right now. It wasn’t a punishment but a way of saying I’m sorry to my body and loving myself enough to try something new even though I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be. I think you already know, the outcome was amazing.

2. Confidence. It’s important to note here that I didn’t quit drinking because I had built up enough confidence to try it. Not at all. By the time I quit, I was exhausted, worn out, and tired of being hungover and tired. I was living (for the first time in my adult life) without the self medication that I used to dull my anxiety. Starting out was a shit show. But, every single time that I got through a moment that I wanted to drink, an event that I would usually drink at, or an experience that usually required me to have a glass in my hand-my confidence grew. It grew so much that I was eager to try it out more and more. It had been a long time since I’d felt confident and it was really good.

3. Essential Oils. Don’t stop reading. Here’s the thing, essential oils were the new thing that I did to take my mind off the old thing. I started concocting up blends to make my house smell good, making skin care products, and devising recipes for other things that I could make. In other words, I had a replacement behavior, something that I could do instead of drinking. Maybe your thing is scrapbooking, yoga, puzzling, learning to cook, etc. The point is, that if I tried to stop and didn’t add in any new things I would have been sitting around twiddling my thumbs thinking about how bored I was and how badly I wanted a drink. I also learned to play the ukulele which I find myself still turning to as a new form of happy hour.

4. Read Stories From Sober People. I read every word on Holly’s blog at least 5 times. In fact, I still read a lot of her old blogposts. They were very simple and I notice that everytime I’m faced with a question like “what should I do about this” she had written something about it. At first, since I wasn’t quite sure what to do-I just did what she did. I carried tea and baked goods with me everywhere I went, I read books that she read, I trusted her experience which gave me hope for mine, etc. Now, I know a lot more sober people and I love getting inspiration from them. It helps keep me on track and stay focused on my goals.

5. I Put Myself First. This one is probably the most important. I knew that no longer drinking was going to be awkward and strange socially speaking. Especially since I’d never really done anything socially without alcohol. I finally decided that short term awkwardness for the sake of healing my mental health was worth it. I didn’t allow myself to worry what others would think and instead I started focusing solely on what I thought. I knew I needed to change my drinking habits. I couldn’t continue to drink just so my friends wouldn’t be put off or so that my husband and I wouldn’t have to change the location of our date night. Overall, my friends and family were very supportive. I’m so glad that I chose me! As a result, I’ve been a better wife, mother, and friend.

I’ve never looked back. Within the first few months I noticed a significant improvement in everything from my skin to my mental health. I still experience anxiety and I have plenty of bad days. But today, it’s because I’m human and not due to some self imposed chemically induced stress. If you want to know more about things that helped me stop drinking check out this and this.

Want to hear more about my path to becoming alcohol free? Listen here on An Open Book Podcast.

Take Control Of Your Social Media Addiction

As I write this, my 6-year-old daughter is looking at a little compact mirror that holds a brush pretending that she got “103 views” on the fake video she just “posted” to her compact mirror that she is using as a phone. This is extremely ironic since I watched The Social Dilemma yesterday and spent most of last night awake feeling highly concerned for our world. This behavior likely came from a combination of watching me stare at my phone (humiliating to actually write that) and a show that she watches (ahem…used to watch because I plan to ban it from her viewing) where the girl character talks about her social media accounts.

In 2013, my daughter had just turned one and I was settling into my new role as a stay at home mom. I was pretty isolated and only had the company of my two, mostly non-verbal, bald-headed babies. I spent my days changing diapers, sweeping up cheerios, putting toys back in bins, and staring at Facebook. Since I no longer had any ongoing real social interaction I turned to Facebook as a way to see what was up with my friends, family, and the world at large.

It wasn’t long until my anxiety grew, I thought the world was the absolute worst place to live in, and I had guilt about bringing two small children into this mess of a place. According to Facebook, there was a giant divide among politics (so big that it was obvious there would be no settling or no solutions), a divide among humanity (only made up of those who were good and those who were evil), and millions of reasons to feel worried, scared, depressed, agitated, anxious, and basically bad all of the time. Since Facebook was my only outlet to the world, I believed the things I read to be true. And since Facebook was my only social interaction (around the time of an election) I believed most things were bad. Really bad.

That’s when I can pinpoint a change in my drinking. I remember drinking because I felt stressed instead of drinking because I was looking for a good time. After a day spent on Facebook, I needed a drink due to the exhaustion of taking in so many different posts. Posts about politics that concerned me, posts about people’s jobs I didn’t have, posts about new haircuts I wish I had gotten, posts about dinners I wanted to be invited to, posts about vacations that I didn’t go on, and so much more. It was the beginning of a very dark time.

Fast forward three years later to the time a pandemic hit our country. Again, nowhere to go and nothing to do and I found myself not only on Facebook but also on various social media apps. I mean more is always better right? News, stories, articles, opinions, posts, likes, follows, stress, anxiety, anger, and if you’ve been reading this for any amount of time…a breakdown.

I quit social media and I felt 75% better within days. I didn’t have to read conspiracy theories, I didn’t have to question the source, I didn’t have to be faced with angry people and their opinions on things that they have no experience with. It was so freeing. It’s not that I needed to go back to the doctor and reconsider my medication, I needed to get off the screen and back to my life.

Over the last three years, I have learned a lot about addiction. Most of us think of addiction in terms of drug use. But people can be addicted to anything. In fact, addiction starts as a way to make us feel better. We engage in something, it feels really really good at the moment, so our brains tell our bodies to go back for more. Over time this can become impulsive and problematic. Most of us go back for more without even realizing that we’re doing it. That’s what makes it dangerous. It happens beneath the surface and behind the scenes.

Social media is addictive. It’s designed to be that way by professionals who know how our brains work. The scroll, the autofill, the millions of little ways that it draws you in are not by accident but by a deliberate attempt to pull you back to your screen. You see, the more time you spend, the more you are being advertised to, and therefore the more money is made for the big corporations that are paying for this “free tool” that we all have.

I am a constant target for alcohol ads. I use the word beer, wine, alcohol, and drinking a lot in my social media feeds and posts. Because of this, if I’m on social media I’m seeing tons of ads for wine, beer, and alcohol companies. The algorithms are pretty smart for picking up the word “alcohol” but they haven’t quite figured out how the word “free” fits into everything. This is a constant reminder for me that I am being targeted.

We have all experienced a time when we looked up something on google and the next thing we know it shows up in social feeds as an advertisement. In fact, many people might say that they just thought of something and it showed up in your feed. If you watch The Social Dilemma, you’ll learn that it also deliberate because the technology is designed to learn everything about us.

Ok, so what? Who cares if I ended up buying something that I was thinking about buying anyway right? What’s the big deal? Well, it’s not just that we’re being marketed to. There is lots of evidence to show that depression, anxiety, and mental illness are on the rise since social media came onto the scene (especially among teenagers). And who hasn’t been emotionally affected when you see that all of their friends had dinner together last night and you weren’t invited or when your great Aunt Rosie posts something in direct opposition to what you firmly believe to be true? Who has felt worse or scared after reading an article about a kidnapping, a murder, or climate change?

It’s likely that if you’re one of the thousands of people in the world who drink alcohol, you may have decided to have a drink after a day spent reading exhausting social media articles. Social Media equals stress, we drink when we’re stressed, and things can go lots of different (not good) ways from there.

Many of us think that we are protected from addiction. It won’t happen to us. We think we are not genetically exposed. We don’t have family members who suffer from addiction. We think we have control. We think we can outsmart it. Maybe some of us can. I am not one of those people. I am not someone who knows how to stop the release of feel-good chemicals when I see pleasing pictures or eat sugar. Our brains are far more capable than our thoughts.

With everything going on in the world right now, it might be a good idea to learn about how and why our body responds to certain stimuli. It might be a good time to assess how much time you’re actually spending on social media and how it is really affecting your health. For example, I thought I was spending a couple of hours a day but it turned out it was far more than that.

Start a journal or a feelings chart. Mark or think about how you’re feeling before you get on and how you feel when you get off. What goal do you want to accomplish when you get on your accounts? Did you mean to do something work-related or did you mean to spend an hour mindlessly scrolling and ignoring your kids? Was there something specific you were looking for? Did you drink afterward? Take a class to learn about how it’s affecting you. Watch the movie. Get in the know. Being informed doesn’t mean you have to quit altogether, it just means that you have some awareness around your use.

Sobriety, for me, means never turning away from the truth. The truth frequently sucks. There’s work and it’s tiring but not nearly as tiring as continually doing something that makes me feel guilty and anxious.

I’ve Been Alcohol Free For Three Years and Here’s What’s Shocked Me The Most....

I used to smoke (sorry mom). Cigarettes were my love language. There wasn’t anything that I couldn’t work out over a couple of puffs. I loved the way that they felt in my hand and the way I felt when I smoked. The ritual (despite now knowing how absolutely disgusting) brought me a lot of joy.

When I had to stop smoking, it was because I knew the habit was dangerous, damaging, and unhealthy. Regardless, I wasn’t happy about it. I’m reminded of this story my mom told of me holding onto my pacifier until I was way too old. I finally decided it was time to give it up (after much persuasion) and I kissed it goodbye and put it in the trash while crying my eyes out for a long long time. That’s kind of how felt when I stopped smoking. I would do it dammit…..but I wouldn’t like it.

I used willpower, force, shaming, and berating myself until I finally just stopped craving them. But I will tell you the truth- if the surgeon general were to come out and say that they had it all wrong and that smoking is actually good for you-I would start again in a heartbeat!

Today I’m two days away from being three years sober. Shockingly, my experience with quitting booze was a lot less negative than my experience with quitting smoking. I had come to the conclusion that alcohol was no longer serving me because I wasn’t feeling good emotionally or physically. I went about it with curiosity while slowly learning about the drug and allowing myself to form new ideas. I didn’t make any grand proclamations that I was “quitting” and I gave myself so much grace and love (instead of shame and guilt like I did with smoking). I think that’s the difference of why I still hold on hope that smoking will someday be healthy while I don’t ever want to drink again.

Since quitting booze I’ve taken that same approach with a few other things. Recently, I’ve given up scrolling social media on my phone. I think it’s clear that I’m not great with moderation. Once the pandemic hit I found that I was spending an obscene amount of time on my phone. Did you know that social media addiction works a lot like alcohol addiction? I decided that I needed to get my life back and I approached it a lot like I approached quitting booze. I started with loving myself enough to know that I wanted more for my life than to look at my phone all day long. I gave it time and patience. I replaced the behavior with more writing, taking pictures for fun, and looking up recipes.

I’ve also given up gluten due to a recent scare with a family member who has a genetic form of Celiac. Again, this was done as a form of self-respect and love. I focused on what I would gain if I quit gluten and I do have Celiac (still waiting on testing). I stayed positive about the outcome and I found a gluten-free biscuit recipe that gets me through hard times.

These days I’m finding it easier to say goodbye to things that are no longer serving me. Successfully becoming alcohol-free has given me the confidence to eliminate things from my life. I’m much less driven by FOMO, obligations, threats, shoulds, and societal pressures and much more inclined to evaluate what brings me peace. Sometimes it’s additions like meditation or journaling. But mostly, I’m learning that quitting things is often the answer. I’ve realized over and over again that my comfort zone isn’t always that comfortable. For example, looking at my phone for 3 straight hours while consuming massive amounts of cookies, cakes, and bread (I’m not joking).

I’m shocked that by being a quitter I’m becoming more and more myself. Quitting is something that never seemed like an option for me. My personality does not mesh well with quitters. I’m a doer. I get things done. I’m your go-to gal, a jack of all trades, super reliable, and a follow all the way through no matter the pain and suffering kind of person. My brain can easily turn the idea quitting into failure, unworthiness, and a dark hole of void. With all of that being said, sobriety is teaching me that I might have it all wrong. Maybe quitting is my greatest asset?

These days I accept that I am ever-changing and that there is really no one version of me that will last forever. I used to think that if I changed all the time I must be a hypocrite, a liar, someone who gives up, someone who doesn’t know themselves, and a bunch of other negative associations. That’s just not true. The more I grow, the more I learn, and the more I change. Not everything of course. I’m probably always going to be a little bit anxious and I don’t think I’ll ever start liking heavy metal. But if I need to quit something (especially if it’s toxic) now I know I can.

Do you have anything that could be eliminated?

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I’m Not Judging Your Drinking

I write a blog about living alcohol-free (and anxiety, and parenthood, and whatever else I feel like writing about) and almost every single person I know drinks. Things can get awkward. If there was a doormat that said, “Welcome-I swear I’m NOT judging your drinking!” I would put it at the front of entrance to my life. I’m really just not thinking about it.

What I am thinking about is our cultural beliefs around alcohol, systems that perpetuate alcohol use, the role alcohol plays in this country, specific people who have reached out to me for help, why people believe that non-drinkers are thinking about their drinking, and lots and lots of other things (some useful, some not). But if you’re sitting here next to me, I will barely notice if what you’re holding is a stiff ass drink, a bubbly water, a delicious IPA, or a Big Red. I just don’t care that much. Sorry.

I also don’t want your drink. Not in the least. Even if it’s one of my favorite IPA’s from the best brewery in town, a mimosa, a cocktail, a light lager, a glass of red wine, or a Big Red, I don’t want it. Not on a Saturday night, not on a boat, not at happy hour, not at a club, not at a brewery, not at a fancy dinner, not at a bridal shower, not in a house with a mouse, you get the point.

Just recently, we were sitting around talking with friends. Drew, my husband, was explaining his vegetarianism that has lasted for over 20 years. He always hated the taste and texture of meat and when he became old enough to not have to eat what was presented to him, he stopped eating it. Never does he ever want meat. He doesn’t salivate at the thought of steak,. He doesn’t try to recreate meat-like dishes with veggie foods (like tempeh stroganoff). He doesn’t sit around feeling sad as he bites into the food that he likes while everyone else eats the food that they like. He’s NEVER thinking about eating meat. That’s how I feel about alcohol.

Interestingly, though, I have trouble making this clear. I have a great friend who doesn’t drink. I assumed that when I was around her (as a drinker) she was both counting my drinks while also wishing that she could have some. I stupidly believed that there was an underlying desperation for those that “had” to stop drinking. In fact, it was this very belief that kept me from exploring sobriety sooner. I thought I was the lucky one that could still wake up feeling like shit, experience hangxiety, and continuously battle with how many drinks I would have while those poor soles who “couldn’t” drink were fresh, clear, and grounded in what decisions were best for them.

This whole concept is one of the very reasons that I write this blog. I want to openly address so much of the stigma and break down the idea that all non-drinkers are like the scenes from movies that we’ve seen-one drink away from falling off the wagon. Some are, for sure (probably because alcohol is the most addictive drug on the market-more so than the well-known opiates we have no problem recognizing). But not everyone, and not me. Each day I get further away from my old drinking self. I get further away from the memories with me with a drink in my hand, me with slanty eyes, and me dragging people around for just one more. I’ve almost forgotten what wine pairs with what cheese and what beer even tastes like. These days I pine for nachos, dark chocolate, books, writing, deep connection, time in nature, music (preferably live-please stop being here pandemic), cold brew morning coffee with a sunrise, and other things. Not alcohol. Not once. Not ever. I’m just not thinking about it anymore.

I’m not free from judgement. I judge just as much as the next person. I’m working on this. I’m working on how judgement creeps in when I least expect it. Sometimes I judge complete strangers regarding things I really know nothing about and things that are absolutely none of my business. I’m learning that those judgments are actually my insecurities screaming to be healed, to be resolved, or things that I’ve left unattended. In other words, the ongoing work I need to do. Drinking is no longer one of those things. My decision to stop drinking is one that I am most proud of and one that I never ever question.

So the next time you’re around me or someone else who no longer drinks, it’s okay to do you (unless it’s someone you know is struggling, and in that case be a good supportive friend). If you’re not sure, just ask. If you want to know more, just ask. You might find that the answer is very different from what you think. I learned that the reason I thought sober people were counting my drinks was because I was paranoid about the amount of drinks I was having, hence the need to explore how many drinks I was having. Turns out, I was the one judging my drinking.

You’ve Recently Stopped Drinking, Here’s What You Need To Know

Making the decision to take a break from alcohol is HUGE.  Depending on your relationship with alcohol you’re probably somewhere on the spectrum of Oh Shit What Do I Do With Myself? to maybe feeling relieved.  Regardless, making a big change like not drinking takes some effort and probably leaves you wondering when you’ll start to heal. When I first stopped drinking there were three burning questions that I wanted to know.

When will I feel better?  This was my number one question.  The Type A, planner, and control freak in me needed to know how long the agony, discomfort, and insecurity would last.  I needed to know what I was in for. I craved the exact date from the time that I took my last sip that I would feel confident, energized, and of course happy.  I was pissed that no articles on the internet clarified for me how many weeks, days, and hours it would take for me to be “cured.”

This process is different for every single person.  There is no certain amount of days or weeks. In actuality, there was no “day” that I felt healed, cured, changed, transformed, and all of the other fancy words that I was sure would describe my experience.  In fact, I’m still working on that part. However, each day that I don’t drink is a day further away from the life I no longer want and toward the one that I’m growing now. Instead of experiencing this one big massive moment when I felt cured, I experienced small wins, tiny steps, and milestones that I celebrated (and still celebrate) with joy.

When will I lose weight, my skin starts to glow, and I gain all the amazing benefits that everyone talks about?  Early on my journey, I found this infographic with timelines of what happens when you stop drinking.  It said things like Week three, the alcohol is finally detoxed from your body. Week 6 you’ll feel less bloated. Week 8 a magic unicorn will arrive at your door and take you on a ride through pink clouds. Not exactly, but you get the point. I saved this to my desktop, my phone, and I even printed it out so I could look at it over and over.  While it was meant to be used as a guide, I needed it to be true so that I could feel validated that I made all the right decision.

My skin did improve.  My anxiety stopped being the sole focus of my life.  The cloud lifted.  I had more energy.  All of the promises came true but they didn’t exactly happen in the order of the little info sheet from an online resource.  They happened in a timeline that was specific to me and my body.  It’s also important to note that when I stopped drinking I interrupted the damage.  I was no longer using a carcinogen. I stopped disrupting my hormones.  I stopped increasing the chances for severe addiction. I stopped feeling hungover. And, so much more.  So, while I may not have had glowing skin at day 17, I could feel good about knowing that I had stopped damaging myself and that my body was recovering every single minute that I wasn’t drinking. 

When will I never think about drinking again?  Every sober person I admire hinted at the fact that I would one day stop thinking about alcohol.  Holly, Laura, Annie Grace, Carly, Gabby, and there were others all assured me that alcohol would one day take a backseat.  I can promise you that I never think about alcohol (unless of course, it is for the sake of this blog).  I don’t salivate when people drink around me.  I don’t wish I could have just one.  I don’t feel like I’m missing out.  I don’t notice what’s on tap.  I don’t think about how at 5’oclock I won’t be able to have wine or beer or happy hour.  I am free from the chains completely.  In fact, it’s my most favorite part about being sober-never having to f’ing think about it again!  

I don’t know the exact timeline for when this happened but it took a while for sure.  Alcohol is everywhere.  It’s at the bars, restaurants, and parties obviously.  But it’s also at yoga, work meetings, pools, school functions, church gatherings, farmers’ markets, Target, and most homes in the US. So, it’s not like an out of sight out of mind situation.  It’s NEVER out of sight.  It takes time to see first the role that alcohol plays in our lives, then the clarity of why/how you may have gotten to a point where alcohol was no longer working, and then time to tune it out.  I replaced thinking about alcohol with thinking about writing, reading, nature, coffee, essential oils, yummy recipes, helping, running, connecting, playing the ukulele, and so much more. That was a big important part.

The point is that you’re doing it! If you’ve stopped drinking you’ve already done the biggest step. Every single moment from here on out will get better and things in your life will become more clear. It will take time and the more effort you put toward your new life alcohol-free, the less you’ll wish for your old one. The gifts will show up when you least expect them. I’m approaching 3 years of living sober and it honestly keeps getting better. Laura McKowen writes First: Impossible, Then: Difficult, Then: Strange, Then: Normal, Then: Wouldn’t have it any other way. This the best timeline I’ve ever seen.

Why Drinking In Moderation Sucks

Disclaimer-if you are reading as someone who has always drank in moderation, this post is not for you. This post is more for a person who has wondered if their drinking is problematic (and by problematic I mean-interfering with living your best life, not necessarily alcoholism) and is trying to control it with moderation.

Picture this. You’ve decided to moderate your drinking. Maybe you woke up with a killer hangover and decided you never want to feel that way again. Maybe you made an inappropriate phone call to an ex when you were drunk and you’ve decided to never get that out of control. Maybe you missed a day of work, drove drunk, had a panic attack, or felt super depressed after drinking. You’ve decided that now is the time….to drink less. Not stop drinking.

Moderation is key. We hear lots of positive things about it. Moderate drinking can help reduce drunkenness, hangovers, side effects, cancer, and other health-related diseases. Moderate drinking can actually be good for us, especially in wine right? Moderation will be so much better than not having to stop drinking because only alcoholics actually stop drinking. Obviously.

So, you set out to moderate. But what does moderate drinking mean exactly? Does it mean a certain number each day? Less than normal? No more binges? Maybe you’re out with friends and you decide that you will drink water in between drinks. You choose to break up the six-pack and leave three at home and put only three in the cooler for your outing. Maybe you decide not to drink during the week and only on the weekends, or only on Saturdays. Or, you try only one glass of wine at dinner.

Suddenly, you start feeling a bit better. It’s working, mostly, except for that one night last week when you had four instead of two. Oh, and the weekend before that where you drank that extra margarita with dinner, but overall things are much better. No hangovers, no weird text messages, life is feeling good for the most part. You still have anxiety and you wish that you didn’t have to have this obsession with how much you’re drinking. You’d prefer to not have to feel guilty when you go over your allotted amount and you really wish that you didn’t feel disappointed when you got to your last drink and you still want more. You find that you feel really tired now because once you slow your drinking it just makes you groggy. Drinking feels a bit stressful because you’re always wondering what is enough. But, it’s better than having to live a life alcohol-free right?

This is the question I get the most. People ask me all the time how I feel about moderation. The above scenario is how things played out for me for a long time. I tell people that trying to moderate my drinking was my lowest point. It was a constant battle.

When I was moderating I couldn’t be present. I was always wondering if what I had planned to drink would be enough and if I would have enough fun. I woke up every day a little off, not hungover, but never ever clear-headed (even if I only had one). Drinking just one or two drinks impacted my anxiety and my mood the next day. I couldn’t make progress toward what I wanted when I so focused on how much I would drink. If I was invited to do something fun on a day that I had decided not to drink I would stress so much, hating the invitation, and always feeling a bit resentful.

I am a type A, full throttle, high energy type of person. With most things, I’m either all in or all out. I haven’t been great at moderating anything in my life which is why things felt so hard during those times. It was a feeling of constant deprivation. I felt deprived of drinking and deprived of freedom. Shackles and chains.

Maybe your personality is chill, easy-going, and low stress. Maybe you don’t overthink, obsess, or question everything. In that case, moderation might be your jam. I believe that many people can find pure bliss by doing so. I am not one of those people.

Have you ever wondered how freeing it would be to not have to think about alcohol? Sometimes I equate no longer drinking to no longer having to pump as a nursing mom. For a year, I carried around this giant black bag. I had to frequently leave the party, the concert, or the fun to go and pump. I couldn’t leave the house without making sure I had it. I had to keep things cool and find a fridge or a cooler. It was just one more thing to worry with. Same with alcohol. I was always worrying about what I would drink, making sure I had enough but not too much. I missed half the show, the party, or the event because I was either standing in line to pee or standing in line to get a drink.

You might be wondering if it is even possible to have a good time without alcohol? Maybe you’ve never tried that. If you drink regularly, there is a scientific reason why you think that life is no fun when you’re not drinking. I highly recommend exploring that more. Don’t just jump to the idea that moderation is best. You might be surprised to find that the one thing you’ve always feared (not drinking) is so much better!

A Summer Without Alcohol

Summer is my jam. I’m most at peace when the weather is hot, a swimsuit and coverup is my most worn outfit, and outside is covered in bright green. After many months of the gray, wet, and cold I can’t wait for the hot sun to start shining down. I like the hours of endless light and one of my favorite things is wake up early, step out onto the porch, watch the sunrise, and drink my morning coffee without layers of blankets.

Well, that’s my favorite thing to do now. It wasn’t always this way.

Summer used to signify drinking season. Water, sun, and drinks went hand in hand. Drinks by the pool, drinks on the patio, drinks on the boat, and drinking by the campfire. This is the season where day drinking is totally acceptable and spending the weekends mostly buzzed is considered pure bliss. I loved nothing more than turning on some summer tunes (Kenny Chesney, Jimmy Buffett, Zach Brown Band, and even Van Morrison) and letting the stress and anxiety of all the other seasons slip away. The hot hot heat and humidity only made me more thirsty.

Cold white wine, grapefruity IPA’s, and in my last couple months of drinking-gin, water, and lime made for the perfect refresher in my sweaty Yeti. It’s no surprise that my sobriety came at the end of summer, a long season of drinking.

This is my third summer being alcohol free. As I write this we’ve just been cleared to see people and it’s Memorial Day weekend. It seems like a good time to celebrate, toast, and be filled with joy. But, this summer, I won’t be trying to amp up my joy with alcohol.

Alcohol is a tricky thing. Once you start drinking it your body produces a whole bunch of extra feel good chemicals. Then your brain is like, wow this is so great. And, for a bit, it is great. But everything that happens after that sucks. Once your brain realizes that it was too much of those great chemicals it tries to regulate by taking them all away which causes stress and adrenaline. Your brain gets pissed! It’s like, No Wait, I want more of the good feelings, so it starts to dim all of the other good things making it so that you feel like you need to have alcohol to enjoy things. After a certain point, you kind of do.

That’s why I thought, in order to enjoy summer, I needed a cold drink in my hand. My brain tricked me into believing that things weren’t as fun if I wasn’t drinking. Now that the alcohol is long gone and my brain and body have healed I realize that it was never the drinking that made summer epic. It’s wasn’t listening to Jimmy Buffett with a margarita in hand that made things good, it was listening to Jimmy Buffet. It wasn’t drinking by the pool with friends, it was being with friends at a pool. It wasn’t boating and drinking, it was boating, the water, the views, and the sun. Now that I’m so far removed it’s kind of like saying that I needed to be holding a chicken leg in order to have a good time. Sounds silly right?

Today, I woke up early and had coffee on the porch with my husband. I took my time, listened to the birds, and noticed things. I noticed how much I love iced coffee and how I can drink it slow because I don’t need it to wake me up or stave off a hangover. I went for a run and listened to some epic music. I didn’t have to punish myself for too many drinks or smell beer coming from my pores. I meditated outside while sweating and let the sun beat down on my body. I made cinnamon toast and eggs for breakfast and my hands weren’t shaking with a queasy stomach. I didn’t spend a single second wondering what I said yesterday or about what I need to pack in the cooler for the boat later today. If I don’t pack a single thing I’ll still have a good time.

This summer will be simple. It will be covered in sunscreen, sun, and sweat and not a bit of regret. I feel so happy to not have to ever feel hungover again and to never have to try to regulate what I’m drinking. After so many years of drinking, then thinking about my drinking, there’s nothing more freeing than being rid of the whole thing. I used to feel sorry for people who “couldn’t drink.” In my days of confusion, I thought I was the one living. Now I realize that I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Can Alcohol Have A Paleo Moment?

Recently, I’ve been going over some statistics related to alcohol.  It’s stated that 65 million Americans report binge drinking but only 15 million Americans are clinically diagnosed with Alcohol Use Disorder. That means that almost half of the drinking population report that they have issues with over drinking.  Now, I’m no mathematician, but these numbers seem like they could use some attention.

As I reflect on my drunken days I would easily “binge drink” (defined by more than 4 drinks for a 2 hour period) at least twice (sometimes more) every week.  I also blew those stats to pieces while in college and in my early 20’s when I would drink for hours on end.  

Interestingly,  no one ever considered me to be a problem drinker.  Not the bartenders who  served me as I slurred to get another.  Not my doctor when I gained 30 pounds and told her I was depressed.  Not the same City Scoot driver who picked me up several times a week from a bar to take me home.  Not the waiter at the brewery as he watched me walk out with my babies in tow.  

No one.  

That is until I questioned my relatioship with alcohol.  When I stopped drinking, people considered me to have a drinking problem.  That was the line in the sand that separated my drinking (the drunk kind that has to stop) from other people’s drinking (the kind that can do all of the things stated above without any question).  

One of my favorite teachers, Holly, writes in her new book Quit Like A Woman

“We read labels.  We shun gluten, dairy, processed foods, and refined sugars.  We buy organic.  We use natural sunscreens and beauty products.  We worry about fluoride in our water, smog in our air, hydrogenated oils in our food, and we debate whether plastic bottles are safe to drink from.  We replace toxic cleaning products with Mrs. Meyer’s and homemade vinegar concoctions.  We do yoga, we run, we SoulCylcle and Fitbit, we go paleo, and keto, we juice, we cleanse……”

She goes on to talk about all of the other insane things we do in the name of health but then at the end of the day top it all off with drinks.  

I’m fascinated that when a person who juices, runs, eats kale, meditates, and drinks 4 or more IPA’s a night questions their relationship with alcohol that people are stunned.  Society immediately deems them as an “alcoholic” and thinks that they must go straight to AA or Rehab.  

I’m frustrated that I’m the one getting the side eye when I order a tonic and lime (no alcohol) from the person next to me who asks the waiter if the bread is gluten free and if they have vegan cheese to go on the cheesy bread appetizer.  It’s like my decision is based on shameful behavior and theirs is based on health.

But of course, there’s an unspoken understanding that the vegan could always go back to cheese without having to face life threatening consequences (unlike the “drunk”). While this may be true for some, it’s just not that cut and dry.

This black and white thinking is harmful.  People should be questioning their relationship with alcohol no matter where they lie on the spectrum.  It’s ok for us to explore, learn, and wonder why we want to drink.  It’s ok for us to openly ask questions about why we want another beer in the same way we would ask ourselves if we should go for that 5th slice of pizza.  

Alcohol needs to go onto the list of things we care about. We need to create awareness, if not for ourselves, then for the 65 million Americans who report binge drinking.   If we only think of people with problem drinking as alcoholics then we are leaving out nearly half of all drinkers who could potentially benefit from knowing the effects that alcohol has on their body.  Do you see the problem with that?

It’s the reason that I thought I needed more medication, more green smoothies, harder runs, and more discipline with my diet when, actually, I just needed to cut back on drinks.  It’s the reason I spent hours learning about coconut oil swishing, natural herbs to add to my juice, and yoga poses for anxiety. Since I wasn’t an “alcoholic” (according the online test I took), I assumed it couldn’t possibly be the alcohol.

I’ve heard some of the most preposterous things since becoming AF. People have asked me if I fear that my kids “will get it” or if I drank “in the closet.”  I’ve been told “I’m relieved” when someone finds out that I drank more than them while others have said “I’ve spilled more than you’ve ever drank” as if I’m not worthy enough of living alcohol free.

People have suggested that I’m not doing sober right because I didn’t go to AA (which I honestly had no idea was even a thing-but it’s a big thing). Lots of people have had a strong reaction to me not drinking and I can’t help but wonder if they feel this strongly about someone who has gone Paleo?

I get it, until I became sober I held alcohol on a pedastal and let it be free from scrutiny.  I deemed it a problem for only “those people.”  But now I want alcohol in the mix.  If we have no issues having open debates about drinking from plastic, whether or not we should vaccinate our children, and an ongoing dialogue on use of corn syrup, stevia, or agave then we can question alcohol without being shunned by society.

I’m not suggesting we all stop drinking. I’m just here to remind everyone that you can’t catch alcoholism by thinking about it.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and information, get that right here.

If You’re Not Addressing Your Alcohol Use As Part Of Your Mental Health Regime You’re Probably Hindering Your Progress

I know, bad news bear here.  I’m reading a great book called Girl Walks Out of a Bar. I am on the chapter where she knows that she is having significant issues with alcohol addiction and wakes up crying every morning.  Instead of getting honest with herself about her alcohol use she decides to go to a psychiatrist and tell her about her sadness and onset of depression-leaving the part about the alcohol out.  She says she would rather go on living a life of angst, depression, sadness, and even dying early (if that’s what it cost) than to stop drinking.  

Look, regardless of much alcohol you’re drinking, it has an impact on your mental health. Many of us don’t see the harm as we pop our pills, followed by a couple glasses of wine, and lie to our doctors about how much we drink.  But, it does. Repeated alcohol use can boost your serotonin (feel good chemicals) temporarily, but over time it lowers serotonin in the long term making it harder for you to feel good when you’re not drinking. 

So while it may seem like it’s not hurting anything (and even helping a little) you might be surprised to know how much you are altering your brain.  This is pretty basic information but it’s really hard to find especially in our “Wine Is Self Care” culture.  We are constantly getting contradicting information about how good wine is for your mood.  

Everywhere we turn there is an event popping up telling us to come drink.  I just did a quick scroll through my feed and came up with tons of drinking events-Cocktails and Coats, Parents and Pints, Martinis and Mistletoe,  Yoga and Wine.

Every single event is advertising alcohol.  Why? Mostly because we are group of people who love to drink.  Drinking sells.  But let me be clear, WINE IS NOT SELF CARE.  Waking up with a hangover after a girls night (that was meant to help you relax) will not advance your mental health.

Does this mean you have to stop drinking?  I don’t know.  But I do know that if you are experiencing mental health issues and you have “tried everything” (except not drinking) then you are selling yourself short.  It’s worth doing some research and learning the facts. Sadly,  you might be thinking (much like Lisa thought in her book and much like I thought for a very a long time too)-drinking is the only thing that really makes me feel better.  It’s just not true long term. That’s kind of like saying you’re going out to eat ice cream and cake because you’re on a diet.

My favorite teacher Holly Whitaker once wrote, “If the effects of not drinking were available in a pill, it would be the best selling drug in history.”  Read that again. This is the absolute truth of what I have found in sobriety.  In this culture we all seem to be desperately seeking that “thing” that is going to make us feel better.  We wish for it, pray for it, talk about it, read about it, try different diets, try new workouts, different therapies, conferences, classes, more this, less that……..minus alcohol.  It’s the one thing we don’t touch. That’s because we have been conditioned to believe that if we are not alcoholics then we can and should continue drinking.

Now that I live in this place of being alcohol free it’s so clear to see the negative impact that the most dangerous drug on the market is having on us.  And as much as I try to never judge-when I hear about someone having significant mental health issues, I can’t help but wonder if they just  stopped drinking would their problems dissolve?  In some cases, I am positive that the answer is yes (especially if they heal the condition that got them drinking in the first place).

It’s ok to explore your drinking as part of taking care of yourself. It’s ok to ask questions about how alcohol might be affecting you. I give you permission. That doesn’t mean you have to go to rehab. It doesn’t mean that you are an alcoholic. It doesn’t mean that you have to stop drinking forever. But it might be the missing piece and so I encourage you to do some research. 

I will be here with you confirming the information that you find, nodding my head as you start to realize what’s happening with your brain, holding your hand to get you through those confusing and tough times, and laughing alongside you when you discover how much better you feel just because you stopped drinking.  Trust me, it’s worth addressing.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and informaation, get that right here.

How To Get Through The Long, Dark, and Cold Winter Without Drinking

Now that I don’t drink I have a massive amount of time on my hands.  It’s one of my most favorite things about being sober.  I no longer waste away the nights only to wake up to lost dreams, excuses, and dead wishes.

But in the beginning this extra time felt more like a curse than a blessing.  The nights (especially in the winter) were so painfully long.  There were times I didn’t know if I would be able to make it through. 

With two small children, work, and a boatload of mediocre obligations I felt bored out of my mind with my life.  I had arrived at the ever so yearned for adulthood and I thought it sucked!  Girls night out, date night, mom’s night, and every other kind of fun event were fewer and further between.  If I did get the opportunity to make plans I sometimes had to cancel because one of the kids was sick or someone was having a bad night.  I recently read a quote that said something like "adulthood is trading Saturday nights out and lazy Sunday brunches for kids birthday parties where everyone coughs.”  It’s true and I was bored.

Drinking at home felt like “doing something.”  It was like a mini party that I was having for myself as a reward for a day spent adulting.  It was like eating dessert after a workout and a healthy dinner.  It was something to look forward to that would entertain me at me most and numb me at least.  It helped me fast forward to the end of a long and mindless day of tasks that I didn’t really like doing.

It wasn’t until I stopped drinking that I discovered how much time drinking took up.  Drinking by myself, drinking with friends, going out and drinking, having drinks, meeting for drinks, happy hour, wine time, cheers here, and raise your glass there.  That was my life.

So when I stopped I was in shock at how many eons of time could occur between the hours of 5-9pm.  I’m talking time stopped.  I would pull out my tool bag of things to keep me busy and go down the whole list three times only to look up at the clock and realize that it had been two minutes.  I felt horribly defeated.  I didn’t know how to fill up the hours.

But as time went on I learned that getting sober wasn’t as much about quitting drinking but more about creating a life that I didn’t want to escape from. I learned that the definition of sober means “of sound mind.” I thought once I stopped drinking that all of my problems would dissolve and I would go on living a great life.  I bought into the lie that sobriety meant you just don’t drink.  It’s so much more.  

I started occupying my time with books and was quickly reminded of my love for reading.  Books turned into my new tiny party and I would crawl into my bed under my warm covers (way too early) and start to read the night away.  And soon books went from entertainment to learning.  I used books to help me change my mindset, learn new skills, and develop a plan for living intentionally, goal setting, and the list goes on.

I also taught myself to play the ukulele.  My daughter got a ukulele for Christmas and I stole it.  Like I literally stole it from her.  I learned how to tune it and then I didn’t want her touch it because tuning was hard. So I hid it in places she wouldn’t look for it and then I would sneak away, hide in my closet, and watch youtube videos of 12 year olds teaching other 12 year olds (and one 36 year old) how to play 4 basic chords.  I learned them all and taught myself hundreds of songs.  Then I annoyed the shit out of my family by playing for them every night.

After that, the creative juices started flowing.  I began writing, I started an essential oils business, this blog, I signed up for a year long workshop on how to write a book (and am happy to announce I am halfway through).  I attended other workshops, more reading, new projects, and started saying yes to everything that was presented to me. I opened my mind to allowing myself to create.

Up to this point, I had spent my entire life telling everyone (and believing) that I wasn’t a creative person.  But that’s not true.  We are all born to create something.  As a child it was forts, dance routines, and pretend classrooms as I played school in for hours on end.  I didn’t need to drink to be happy.  I wasn’t focused on how long the day was.  I filled the hours with wonder and imagination.  Why did we stop doing that when we became adults?  Why did we think our jobs (which may not be all that creative) replaced our innate desire to play?

Now, the time flies by. Instead of being filled with mundane and boring tasks (which obviously still happen) there are hours and hours of in between time where I am fulfilling my purpose, fine tuning my dreams, and finally playing again. I thought that partying was playing. It wasn’t. In fact, it’s the opposite. Drinking is deadening your instincts, taking away your inhibitions, and making weird brain pathways that don’t align with your natural state of being.

So, if you’re really in it right now and you’re trying to figure out how you’re going to do this sober thing while the sky is dark and the hours are long start thinking less about drinking and more about that thing that tugs on you when you’re quiet.  That thing that you really love but that you have pushed so far out of your life because it didn’t feel adult enough, achievable, or you’re not sure if you are worthy.  That thing that you have always wanted to do but it felt foolish or the timing was off.  Think about playing. Think about creating.

It can be as small as a journal entry or an apple pie. It can be as big as a business or an empire. But let yourself create and watch where it takes you…..

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you’re looking for ideas to have an alcohol free weekend, get that right here.

Is Alcohol A Trick Or A Treat?

Yesterday I saw a meme that said You never see alcohol companies putting drunk people in their ads.  Are they ashamed of their customers?  This inspired some thinking.  First of all, alcohol makes us drunk.  That’s the point right?  Well, not for everybody I guess, but it was for me.  Most of the time I drank with the intention to get drunk.

Some people drink to take the edge off, others because they love the taste, some to make a toast, to celebrate, and there are a million other reasons.  However, it’s probably pretty safe to say that many people who don’t drink with the intention of getting drunk have “accidentally” ended up drunk at one time or another.  Right?

Drunk does not equal pretty.  It wouldn’t sell.  From a vain point of view nothing is less appealing than someone slurring their speech, stumbling when they walk, and hovering over a toilet.  It’s actually disgusting.  I know this from my own personal experience.

Drunk is also dangerous.  Who would want to see an ad about someone drinking too much and then going home to abuse their wife and children?  Or a commercial on alcohol induced campus rapes?  Or hear a radio blast about the latest drunken brawl outside of your favorite pub?  Eww.  Appalling.  Not good for advertising.

But those are not the only examples of drunk.  What about the family fights over Thanksgiving dinner that are alcohol induced? Or badgering the live act begging them to play your song (wait, that was me)? Or, the embarrassment of doing or saying things that aren’t aligned with your values (going home with strangers, dancing on bars, having an anger outburst, the list goes on).

But this is what alcohol does. It makes you drunk. So why as a culture do we judge so harshly those who “can’t handle it” when it’s not made to be handled.  Why do we draw a line in the sand of us (drinkers) vs. them (alcoholics).  Why do we feel disgusted, appalled, and offended when we hear these horrible stories of what people did when they were drunk and immediately place the blame on their poor judgement, lack of awareness, shitty upbringing, mental illness, and rarely question the drug?

Ethanol (otherwise known as poison) is the part of alcohol that makes you drunk.  It crosses into the blood, heads straight for your organs, and interferes with transmitters (those really important things that send messages to you to tell you what to do). Of course, there are early warning signs letting you know that your body is having a reaction to the drug. But guess what, once in your system, the alcohol starts screaming for more alcohol because it’s a highly addictive chemical.

So we’re left with a brain that is functioning much slower than normal and a body screaming that it wants more alcohol. This means that we sometimes say yes to “just one more” even when we know we shouldn’t. Kenny Chesney sang all about it in his “You and Tequila” song in the line One is one too many and one more is never enough.

There are many more factors here but it’s true that many people who drink alcohol have gotten drunk. Yet, instead of normalizing this (since this is what alcohol does) we blame the user. We say things like “Poor Jimmy, he must have a problem.”  “Sally Sue got drunk again last night, sorry bastard.”  “Let’s stop hanging out with Bobby, he’s a sloppy drunk.”  

I think we’re scared that if we question alcohol that someone might take it away from us. Or, worse, someone might question our own personal use.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  We can cross over that line in the sand and admit that yes, we might love to drink, but also acknowledge how ethanol can be problematic.

We have no problem acknowledging the danger of drugs (many of which are far less addictive and deadly than alcohol).  So, why not go there with alcohol?  If we made this teeny tiny shift in our awareness we could stop isolating people. 

What if we stopped glamorizing alcohol for the elite who “can handle it” and shaming those who can’t? What if we stopped playing into the stigma that you must hit rock bottom, get arrested, hurt someone, or drive drunk in order to quit drinking?  What if we accept quitting as a healthy personal choice like we accept going vegan or gluten free?  What if we stopped laughing at how out of character we got after a few glasses of wine? What if we truly acknowledged how addictive and dangerous the chemical is? Could we make an impact on one of the 15 million people affected?  I think yes.

So, this Halloween as you take in all the treats your heart desires don’t forget about the tricks that many of them come with. We’re not immune to the effects of alcohol (interrupted sleep, unintended weight gain, lack of connection, fogginess, dulled skin, mental health issues, etc.) even if you don’t fall into the category of alcoholic.

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Sober in Fall

My last sip of alcohol was a Pumpkin Spice beer from one of my favorite microbreweries.  I loved pumpkin beer as much as normal people love pumpkin spice lattes.  I can remember the feeling of excitement I’d get when I  walked into the grocery and saw the display of pumpkin beers!  It was the first sign of fall which meant all things cozy.

“All things cozy” for me was drinking dark beers or red wine at home in my pajamas.  The problem was that those dark beers and that red wine were pretty high in ABV and would make me drunk way faster than my session IPA’s or light lagers of summer.  But after years of training my hand to bring that drink to my mouth, I could never really learn how to slow down the physical behavior of drinking.  So the higher the ABV didn’t mean fewer drinks, it just meant worse hangovers.

Summer, Winter, Fall, Spring, and each holiday along the way all had their own shopping cart full of nostalgia.  With each season came a ritual of things I liked to do while drinking.  In October, it was trick or treating with the kids as I carried my red solo cup down the street, drinking fall beers at Oktoberfests, and switching over to red wine.  Nothing was better than facing the cool, fresh air with a heavy, filling, and depressing dark drink that made me feel light-headed and tipsy after my first sip (and blacked out soon after).

Despite my fear that I could never ever enjoy fall again without my pumpkin beer, I still get excited at the change of seasons. It turns out that fall is a great time to stop drinking.  There are so many other drink options and ways to keep your hands busy while others are drinking.

  Here are some of my favorite tips for being sober in fall.

• Pick up a new drink.  With the change in seasons, there is no need to try to cool down with a cold one.  Instead, try warming your soul with a new hot drink.  I started drinking tea right away especially in the evenings to replace that behavior of having something in my hand when 5 o’clock rolled around.  Chamomile, chai lattes, lavender teas, matcha lattes, and of course the beloved pumpkin spice everything is the perfect addition to your hand in the evenings, at the pumpkin farm, on the trick or treat walk, and at the festival.

• Go for a happy hour walk.  Finally, with the heat gone, it’s time to go back outside.  There is nothing better than getting in a walk to watch the leaves change, take in nature, and be outside during this beautiful season.  Listen to a podcast, listen to the birds, or listen to the sound of your body healing itself from the alcohol.  You might be shocked how much you’re able to notice things now that the alcohol isn’t screaming for more.  It’s a big, beautiful world out there, and now is the perfect time to take note.

• Start cooking.  With tailgates, parties, and holidays all around the corner, you might find yourself in need of something to do now that you are no longer standing around drinking.  This is the perfect time to pick up a new skill in cooking. You can be the master of the grill at the tailgate or spend your time whipping up yummy treats for your guests while you watch the game.  This is the season for all things soup, stews, braising, and baking.  Find that recipe that you have always loved and learn how to make it to perfection!

• Make a mocktail. So much of our drinking habit is about the ritual.  We love the glasses, the sound of the ice hitting the bottom of the tumblr, the way the wine pours so delicately into the well.  It brings a sense of comfort and calm to engage in those same behaviors.  So, try out a new concoction sans the alcohol.  Get those nice ingredients and whip up something that is delicious and festive.  You can find sophisticated recipes at The Mocktail Project and Marnie Ray.  So give it a try and enjoy!

When I first stopped drinking in the fall of 2017 I had to learn to change my mindset from “I don’t get to drink” to “I don’t have to drink.”  It took some time but once I did the work and replaced my bad habits with different and exciting habits I created new pathways for my brain. I still love the onset of fall!  But now, instead of flooding my mind with images of bottles and glasses-it’s more mugs, sweaters, and no regrets…

Happy Fall, Y’all (sorry, had to add that because, well, Kentucky)!

5 Unexpected Things I’ve learned Since I Stopped Drinking

I am quickly approaching being alcohol free for 2 years.  As an anxious, type A person, who loves control, all I thought about for those first few weeks was what it would be like to be sober for one week, one month, six months, a year, etc.  I just wanted to fast forward.  There is nothing I HATE more than being a beginner.  

What would I feel like? Could I keep this up?  How much would I change? Would my friends still accept me?  When will I stop thinking about drinking?  When will I feel more confident?

I have no idea what the big rush was and I am happy to report that I am now much more focused on the journey than the destination.  Everyday I am learning and sometimes I am shocked to find out things that I never connected to my drinking. Those limiting thoughts, jaded ideas about alcohol, and self doubt still creep up. But, now I understand them and I no longer accept them as my truth. 

Here are some things that I had no idea would happen.

1. I’ll start with the bad news-I don’t always feel great. I know, bummer right? I felt pretty bad most days leading up to the point when I finally decided to stop drinking. When I wasn’t actually hungover my anxiety would ensure that there was no feeling good about anything. I was tired all the time and I laid in bed a lot.

   All of those things are gone, buuuutttttt, I’m not magically filled with endless energy, enormous amounts of bliss, and in a state of sunshine and rainbows all the time. I still have bad days. I still get tired (but I don’t lay in bed all day). I still have low level anxiety (well, low level for me, probably extremely high for some). And, I still have frustration, anger, sadness, and all the other emotions that come along with being human.

2. HOWEVER, I don’t wallow in that place like I used to.  When my mind and body were overrun with chemicals there was no escape.  There was no getting out of those thought loops.  There was no perspective.  None.  I put out a TON of negative energy and therefore attracted a ton of negative energy back.

   I have learned that being tired is just that….tired.  I have learned that being a little anxious is just that…..a feeling I am having in the moment and not a state of life to live in.  I have learned that I am frustrated because things are sometimes frustrating ….not because it’s the end of the world.  No emotion is too big now.

3. I have an I CAN mindset.  I lived in a world of I can’t.  I am still in Colorado as I write this and I have had numerous flashbacks of my last visit here when I was drinking.  I got so drunk the night before our early morning flight and I suffered for the next 3 days.  We stopped at Whole Foods to get lunch on our way out of town and I literally couldn’t get out of the car.  It wasn’t because of my headache or nausea but I was paralyzed.  Was it fear? Was it paranoia? Was it exhaustion?  I don’t know but I literally could not make my legs walk. I said my favorite words “I can’t.”  I sat in the car while my family went in and had lunch.

   I never say those words now.  I CAN.  If I can stop drinking I can do anything and there is nothing more amazing that having my confidence back.  I’m empowered to take massive action over my life.  

   4.  That feeling leaves me with this constant edge of momentum.  I am filled with a desire to grow.  I can’t wait to read more, do more, experience more, and the list goes on.  Having been so incredibly wrong about alcohol, addiction, and my own drinking habits has left me with the desire to find out what else I was wrong about.  Seriously, I love finding out that I was wrong about something.  It’s so freeing to discover that the thoughts I was holding onto were all in my head.

   5.  I am way less judgmental.  I worry myself sick that people will mis read my posts as this preachy and almighty speech about how you should stop drinking too.  NO!!!  It’s actually the opposite.  It’s my public apology to myself and to the world about all of those limiting beliefs, judgements, and disconnection I had from people in the name of “having fun.”  Through this process I have learned to love.  I had to start with myself and once I had that covered I now have love for you too.  We are all in this together.  We are all trying to figure out our place, our purpose.  

   6. Ok, I know I said 5 but there’s just one more that I think has been the BEST part. I have made new friends. At my age and this stage in life I didn’t really think that i would be making new friends. I have met some of the best people (and strengthened friendships that were once just acquaintances) and I feel so grateful! I once thought that by no longer drinking I would lose all of my friends. It’s actually been quite the opposite.

I tried so hard to control the outcome of this whole thing. I read and re read every single word searching endlessly for someone to tell me exactly what I would feel like on day 17 at 4p, or the first time I was offered a drink, or after a stressful day. I thought if I just predicted enough, learned enough, and thought about it enough I would be able to “arrive.” I can honestly say that I am so happy I am not yet “there.” I mean, these are the days.

It takes a lot of courage to be bad at something new but I promise you it is so so worth it. Where will you begin?

How to have a fun AF Date Night

Let’s talk about Dating + Drinking. I wish I could write a blog post about how easy dating was while I was alcohol free. I really wish I could tell you how simple things were, that there was no drama, and all of my dating decisions were made under a perfectly clear mind. But I can’t.

Before becoming AF, date night was…..well, complicated. It always involved alcohol. Either a bottle of wine with dinner, a trip to one of our favorite micro breweries, and sometimes followed by a night cap at one of our hidden hole in the wall bars.

There were times it felt forced. Like-it’s Valentine’s Day, we got this babysitter, and even though we’re tired and have had a rough day let’s put on some nice clothes and go out. Other times it felt exciting. Like-we haven’t been out in so long let’s try to pack in as much “fun” as we possibly can.

In either of those scenarios the date usually resulted in me drinking too much. This always led to me arguing about something that had nothing to do with our relationship (like I wanted to stay and dance longer and Drew wanted to leave). And often times, the night ended with me crying or storming out-followed by a morning of apologizing, embarrassment, and regret. Fun times.

Brene Brown has taught me that you can’t selectively numb. So, when I tried to numb away the feelings of stress or irritability from the day I also numbed away joy and happiness. Or, when I tried to beef up the happiness and excitement because I was feeling so void of it, I ended up numbing it away all together.

Luckily those days are behind me and I have more fun on dates now than ever. But, we’ve had to make some adjustments to not fall into the trap of feeling the need to drink.

Day Dates. I love love love our day dates. We both love coffee shops, tiny brunch places that we really can’t take the kids, and/or going to a movie during the day. It’s even better if it’s on one of those beautiful days and we can soak up the sun! When we are out during the day there is less pressure to drink and there is also less of a feeling of “missing out” because I’m not faced with seeing everyone else drinking. (Side note-it’s a lot easier to find a babysitter on a Sat. morning than on a Sat. night.)

Dinner at Home. I love to cook but I rarely have time to try a new recipe. When we have the opportunity to send the kids to their grandparents for the night there is nothing more fun than cooking together in the kitchen. We can make up some of our favorite mocktails, listen to music, and just have one of those slow paced dinners that just doesn’t always happen on a busy weeknight.

Adventure. I’m not gonna lie, I hate adventure. Actually, I don’t hate it-it’s just that I am super anxious about doing anything unknown. I like to control things and make unnecessary judgements about what it’s going to be like (zero fun). But Drew is all about it. He loves the outdoors, trying new things, and more. So, I try to "go with the flow" (even if that means I have sweaty hands and an elevated heart rate). This could be going on a long drive to see where it takes us, hiking, riding bikes, a new place to eat, etc. We have so much fun when we do this and I find myself looking forward to the next time we can do it again.

Travel. I know that it’s probably not feasible to just pick up and travel any time. However, having things to look forward to and going somewhere new is a great way to have fun. Experiencing new things is an epic way to leave those old expectations behind and forget about wanting to drink. Getting away is easy if we make the intention and plan (which can also be really fun).

Mindset. I have completely changed my mindset (thanks to a lot of personal development) and it’s made all the difference. I no longer think that dating and being drunk go hand in hand. I know that I can have fun in all kinds of way if I am open to new things, different settings, and change of pace.

I have to remind myself that the idea of a glass of wine in my hand in a fancy dark restaurant was the thing that appealed to me. In actuality the restaurant was dark- but I was slurring my speech, picking fights, and feeling irritable. We never looked like the “ad" that I was referring to and I am so glad that those days are behind me.

***In full disclosure, I was drunk in this picture (as if you didn’t already know that). I had just smarted off at the waitress in this really nice restaurant for giving us a “crappy" seat. It took me a week to heal from the emotional hangover (if you have had one you know and if you haven’t you’re lucky).****

Mommy Drinking

I quit my job 37 hours before my 2nd child was born. It was supposed to be one whole week but things didn’t go as planned. I had been working as a program developer and mental health counselor for the local community mental health center for 10 years.

On my last day of work I collaborated with a school principal to develop speciality programming for the “bad kid” that was causing chaos in her school. I helped a mom and her suicidal teenager get crisis services. And, I linked a homeless man to a shelter. It was hard work that required me to think fast, respond calmly, and trust the process.

I LOVED my job and the people I worked with. But childcare was expensive, the work was unpredictable, and the travel was becoming tiring. So we decided that I would stay at home when my second child was born.

When I agreed to be a stay at home parent I thought it meant being off work. Hell yeah! I planned out the whole thing. I would get SO MUCH ACCOMPLISHED! I would meal prep like I had always wanted to do, we could go to baby/mama classes and learn sign language, and I was going to cloth diaper because I would have so much time on my hands. I couldn’t wait to join a board of directors for a non profit, volunteer at the shelter, and take the kids to visit the elderly.

Guess what? There is no accomplishment with 2 babies. I spent all day trying to get one of them to sleep. I would clean up the cheerios just in time to clean up more cheerios. I changed 619 diapers a day. I couldn’t find time to take a shower or get dressed because what do you do with two babies when you need to be alone in the bathroom?

Instead of accomplishing I waited. I waited for Drew to come home so that I could “have a minute.” I waited for him to bring me wine, or beer, and dinner because there’s no chance in hell I was making something. I waited to relax, or rest, or shower, or change out of my pajamas, or scream at him for “not helping with the baby.”

With two babies, no job, and big plate of WTF is happening-I started drinking regularly. Somehow the boredom and mundane created chaos in my head. I was used to fast paced work with a high level of drama. Sitting around with two non verbal humans all day was the complete opposite of that. My anxiety was suddenly worse than ever before (which is saying a lot because I had been dealing with anxiety my entire life).

Before I knew it I was drinking every single night. I told myself that this was adulting. I said to myself that it’s normal to have a few glasses of wine or beer “with dinner” (even though dinner was cold mac and cheese leftover from Max’s lunch).

Everything felt off, but I was so thankful and reassured by the constant mom memes telling me that drinking and parenting were what moms do. Apathy took over and I began to accept that being tired, anxious, and unhappy was just “life.”

Soon, I was drinking my way through all of my children’s firsts-holidays, birthday parties, you name it. I was missing all of the special moments, all of the cute little nuances that could only be noticed by someone who was paying attention. All the while feeling resentful because I didn’t feel good (hungover, tired, irritable, edgy).

I would then suffocate myself with guilt. I would promise myself that tomorrow would be better and that I would be the perfect mom. We would spend our time crafting, eating healthy snacks, and playing creatively with wooden organic toys. I would will myself to be 100% present and happy. But that was short lived, because honestly who could do that? So, the cycle started over- Anxiety=Drinking=Feeling Like Crap=Guilt=Anxiety=Drinking.

That is until the emotional and physical symptoms were finally so painful that I could no longer deny what was happening.

Now? I am a mediocre mom at best and I am perfectly happy with that title. I am madly in love with my children and I am no longer drinking away my time with them. I no longer need alcohol to take the edge off because ironically, with no alcohol, there is so much less edge. Lowering my expectations and being present has made parenting so much easier.

I also decided that my role in life was so much more than “mother.” Don’t get me wrong, it is by far the most important role and it’s where I focus the majority of my energy. But, there is also me-who deep down also needs to be nurtured and cared for.

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