Now that I don’t drink I have a massive amount of time on my hands.  It’s one of my most favorite things about being sober.  I no longer waste away the nights only to wake up to lost dreams, excuses, and dead wishes.

But in the beginning this extra time felt more like a curse than a blessing.  The nights (especially in the winter) were so painfully long.  There were times I didn’t know if I would be able to make it through. 

With two small children, work, and a boatload of mediocre obligations I felt bored out of my mind with my life.  I had arrived at the ever so yearned for adulthood and I thought it sucked!  Girls night out, date night, mom’s night, and every other kind of fun event were fewer and further between.  If I did get the opportunity to make plans I sometimes had to cancel because one of the kids was sick or someone was having a bad night.  I recently read a quote that said something like "adulthood is trading Saturday nights out and lazy Sunday brunches for kids birthday parties where everyone coughs.”  It’s true and I was bored.

Drinking at home felt like “doing something.”  It was like a mini party that I was having for myself as a reward for a day spent adulting.  It was like eating dessert after a workout and a healthy dinner.  It was something to look forward to that would entertain me at me most and numb me at least.  It helped me fast forward to the end of a long and mindless day of tasks that I didn’t really like doing.

It wasn’t until I stopped drinking that I discovered how much time drinking took up.  Drinking by myself, drinking with friends, going out and drinking, having drinks, meeting for drinks, happy hour, wine time, cheers here, and raise your glass there.  That was my life.

So when I stopped I was in shock at how many eons of time could occur between the hours of 5-9pm.  I’m talking time stopped.  I would pull out my tool bag of things to keep me busy and go down the whole list three times only to look up at the clock and realize that it had been two minutes.  I felt horribly defeated.  I didn’t know how to fill up the hours.

But as time went on I learned that getting sober wasn’t as much about quitting drinking but more about creating a life that I didn’t want to escape from. I learned that the definition of sober means “of sound mind.” I thought once I stopped drinking that all of my problems would dissolve and I would go on living a great life.  I bought into the lie that sobriety meant you just don’t drink.  It’s so much more.  

I started occupying my time with books and was quickly reminded of my love for reading.  Books turned into my new tiny party and I would crawl into my bed under my warm covers (way too early) and start to read the night away.  And soon books went from entertainment to learning.  I used books to help me change my mindset, learn new skills, and develop a plan for living intentionally, goal setting, and the list goes on.

I also taught myself to play the ukulele.  My daughter got a ukulele for Christmas and I stole it.  Like I literally stole it from her.  I learned how to tune it and then I didn’t want her touch it because tuning was hard. So I hid it in places she wouldn’t look for it and then I would sneak away, hide in my closet, and watch youtube videos of 12 year olds teaching other 12 year olds (and one 36 year old) how to play 4 basic chords.  I learned them all and taught myself hundreds of songs.  Then I annoyed the shit out of my family by playing for them every night.

After that, the creative juices started flowing.  I began writing, I started an essential oils business, this blog, I signed up for a year long workshop on how to write a book (and am happy to announce I am halfway through).  I attended other workshops, more reading, new projects, and started saying yes to everything that was presented to me. I opened my mind to allowing myself to create.

Up to this point, I had spent my entire life telling everyone (and believing) that I wasn’t a creative person.  But that’s not true.  We are all born to create something.  As a child it was forts, dance routines, and pretend classrooms as I played school in for hours on end.  I didn’t need to drink to be happy.  I wasn’t focused on how long the day was.  I filled the hours with wonder and imagination.  Why did we stop doing that when we became adults?  Why did we think our jobs (which may not be all that creative) replaced our innate desire to play?

Now, the time flies by. Instead of being filled with mundane and boring tasks (which obviously still happen) there are hours and hours of in between time where I am fulfilling my purpose, fine tuning my dreams, and finally playing again. I thought that partying was playing. It wasn’t. In fact, it’s the opposite. Drinking is deadening your instincts, taking away your inhibitions, and making weird brain pathways that don’t align with your natural state of being.

So, if you’re really in it right now and you’re trying to figure out how you’re going to do this sober thing while the sky is dark and the hours are long start thinking less about drinking and more about that thing that tugs on you when you’re quiet.  That thing that you really love but that you have pushed so far out of your life because it didn’t feel adult enough, achievable, or you’re not sure if you are worthy.  That thing that you have always wanted to do but it felt foolish or the timing was off.  Think about playing. Think about creating.

It can be as small as a journal entry or an apple pie. It can be as big as a business or an empire. But let yourself create and watch where it takes you…..

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you’re looking for ideas to have an alcohol free weekend, get that right here.