Dear 2020. A Love Letter.
Dear 2020,
Wow. I mean, wow. You, 2020, have been quite dramatic. Every time I tried to go and do my thing you were like “Hey, look at me, I’ve got news for you!” You weren’t gentle either. You came in strong, abrupt, and even angry. I felt personally attacked. I tried getting back up and you knocked me down over and over again making me face the truth. Why?
I’m sorry. Don’t get mad. I know why. I wasn’t really listening and I get that now. I got lazy, complacent, and mostly distracted and forgot to do the important things that you needed me to do.
I said I cared about the Earth but then I got busy and did a lot of things that were really mean to Mother Nature. I said I wasn’t racist but I got too lazy to ever do anything to stand up for black people or educate myself on their needs. I said I wanted to spend more time with my kids but I got sucked into “busyness” which seemed easier than parenting and I failed to engage with them. I said I wanted to support local businesses but then I went to Target because it was more convenient for me. I said I was healed but you showed me that I hadn’t finished my personal work and that I still have a long way to go. I forgot how delicate this one short life is and went on acting as I would live forever and that I was in control of when it all ends.
So, you acted out. I’m not gonna lie, it was a little much for my style, but you got your point across. You stopped me in my tracks and you showed it all to me. On the news, in my social feed, in the eyes of those who have experienced horrific loss, in my children’s faces as they turned to me for answers. You acted like Uncle Frank in Home Alone “Look what you did, you little jerk.”
At first, I was shocked. I responded to you “It’s not me, it’s them. Look what they did! I’m mad too 2020! Let’s get them!!” You had me so stressed out. I was fighting with my loved ones, blaming everyone who didn’t think just like me, walking around in a fit of rage adding nothing valuable to any of the problems.
But you kept reminding me that it is me. I was taking life for granted. I was taking love for granted. I was taking time for granted.
So, I stopped fighting you. I stopped combatting everything you did. I stopped trying to control you. I stopped running from you. I couldn’t hide. Instead, I was forced to just listen and accept all that you offered. Shockingly, I didn’t implode like I thought I would.
I even learned a few things. I learned about the areas of myself that still need healing. The parts that I tried to bury under work tasks and parenting stress. I learned about being present, not while meditating, but in general, because this moment is the only real one I have. I learned about time, how it flies by, and stands still simultaneously. I learned about acceptance, both for myself and others. I learned that I can do hard things. In fact, it’s the avoidance of the hard thing that’s actually hard.
So, I guess I want to say two things to you, 2020. Thank you but also you suck. Facing challenges is hard, the unknown is so scary, and loss is tragic. Dealing with you has been brutal and I’m a little scarred. But as Rumi says “The wound is the place where the light enters.”
Love,
Samantha