Happiness Is Not A Destination

For most of my life the day after Christmas has been the most depressing day of the year. The carols have been sung, the cookies are all eaten, the presents have been opened, and there is nothing left to look forward to. I have always lived for the highs which meant some pretty awful lows when things were all said and done.

But this year things feel different. For starters my body and mind aren’t working off the massive amounts of alcohol that are usually consumed over the holidays. And that means I have a little more clarity. I have repeated to myself at least one thousand times “the path is the purpose.” This is a VERY hard concept for me. The inside of my mind is like a ping pong table with darting thoughts and constant bouncing around. In other words being present is not easy.

But I have learned that I lied to myself for years and years with the idea that once I “get there” I will be happy. A clear example is how I had been managing my anxiety. Once I get to 5 o’clock I will be able to relax and be happy. Lie. Or even worse, once this hangover ends I will feel better. In fact, I used to do this with everything. Once we move we I will be happy. Once the kids get out of diapers things will be easier. Once we make more money we will be happy. Once I get that new car I will be a happier driver. Once I give the kids all of these gifts that they have been waiting for all season they will be happy. All lies.

Maybe there was a little bit of relief or ease with some of these decisions but it was fleeting at best. “Getting there” or “getting that” has never really had a long term effect on my happiness. Instead the waiting and anticipation has proven to be a terrible time suck.

When I wasn’t waiting for the holiday or the weekend I was waiting for happy hour, waiting in line for drinks, waiting in line to pee, waiting to get drunk, waiting to stop feeling so drunk, waiting for the hangover to end, waiting to live.

While I was waiting for all of the things that I thought were going to be awesome I was missing the things happening that were actually awesome. I missed out on special moments with my children, cozy nights at home, reflection on the year that had passed, personal development, goal setting, making memories, and so much more.

Right now as I type this my house is quiet, my Christmas tree is lit and sparkly, my sweater is soft making me feel safe and comfortable, and I am drinking my favorite tea while working on my passion project. Seriously, what could be better?!?!?!? But, in the past I would have missed all of this while off day dreaming about the next time I would be “having fun.”

With the waiting and the anticipation finally over I am learning to relish in these moments. I am learning to find the small rays of light in the mundane days as well as the big days. I am finding that the purpose isn’t the next big or fun thing. Instead the path-which in my life means kids fighting, messes, sweaty hands, darting thoughts, guilt, stress, uncertainty, laughter, warmth, learning, love-is all we have.

That doesn’t mean that I won’t keep pushing and going for all that I want to achieve. It just means that while on my path I need to remember to notice the living that is going on around me-that happiness somewhere in between the highs and the lows.

25 Years of Anxiety and I’m Over It.

See that smile? Looks pretty convincing doesn’t it? I am actually dying on the inside. Not really “dying” but I am really freaking anxious. I’m so worried that the photographer thinks I am crazy for asking her to take pictures of me for a blog that I haven't even published. My hands, and back, and armpits, and feet are sweating and I can barely sit still. I am having a million and one self doubts and I've teared up at least twice. But, there’s something different this time. I am pushing through and doing it anyway.

I first noticed my anxiety when I was 11 years old. I was in church during the Lords Prayer. I had sweaty hands and during the Lords Prayer everyone in our parish held hands. I spent the entire mass trying to position myself so that when it came time to hold hands I would be sitting next to my mom. If someone was sitting next to me, I would panic and rush out of the sanctuary just as the parishioners were uniting.

In middle school I couldn’t sleep for 3 months because I had the fear that if I went to sleep I would stop breathing. My parents took me to doctor after doctor and I was finally diagnosed with “acid reflux” which was thought to be making me choke. So, I took antacids and propped my bed up on an angle.

As I got older my anxiety grew. But, instead of worrying about what someone would think of my sweaty hands or if my “acid reflux” would flare up I became anxious about……….well everything.

My anxiety was/is triggered by things like being alone with myself, work, travel, people, parenting, any news about current events, and writing this paragraph. These seemingly normal life things would keep me awake for days, consume my thoughts, and send me into the cycle of worry-control-worry that was sometimes impossible to escape.

Over the years I tried a million different methods for trying to manage this (medicine, therapy, denial, avoidance, control, more control, more avoidance). But nothing ever seemed to make a lasting impact. I now know that’s because I wasn’t really committed to getting better.

So, drinking started to become a pretty good fix. After just two drinks I had instant relief from the symptoms of anxiety. I felt great! It was literally the only time I could relax. The weight lifted and I could go a couple of hours without worrying. If you have been around me while I was drinking I am sure that you too could feel the tension release and the ease set in.

But when I woke up the next day the anxiety would creep back with a vengeance erasing the calm from the night before and making it hard to live. Sadly I didn’t realize that it was the alcohol making my anxiety way bigger. I just thought things were getting worse and I didn’t know what to do.

Over time I told myself the lie that self care meant “checking out” and allowing myself to escape the things that I didn’t want to feel. Very wrong. Checking out only made the problem worse. I recently heard someone say that sometimes self care looks more like self discipline-that is so true for me. In order for me to live my best life I have to be taking care of myself 100%.

My anxiety (ego) told me all kinds of crazy things like-you can never do this, you won’t have friends if you quit drinking, your life will be miserable, you will have no fun, you think it’s hard now…..And for a while I listened. Fear set in and prevented me from moving forward. But, after my three day hangover that left me so anxious that I was unable to speak-I wondered what exactly I was so worried about sacrificing? Feeling like that?!

I had it all wrong. I thought that making healthy changes would be too difficult and would be no “fun.” I thought the alcohol made me live. I thought that “treating myself” to a drink, or to a bad habit, or to a late night, or to another was going to make me happy. But it did the exact opposite. Alcohol stripped me from my stability, my energy, my memory, and my purpose.

There are still times that I am shocked how much easier it is to live this way. Those few uncomfortable moments of feeling sorry for myself are NOTHING in comparison to the mental anguish I felt when I wasn’t taking care of myself. I guess the thought of living like this was the hard part. The thought of change.

But now I have seen the other side and it is so so good. I keep going because I remember WHY I want to live out the rest of my life feeling ALIVE AF.

January AF

I am doing a thing. For the month of January I have created a private facebook group that is focused motivating people to let go of the thing that is holding them back. For me that thing was drinking. For the entire month I will post inspiration, ideas, and motivation. I will answer questions and be a friend to guide along as people get ideas that might help them want to step away from bad habits. Is that for you? If so, join January AF (free) for a month long of fun!

What Jan AF is NOT:

Not a treatment program.

Not a recovery program.

Not a New Years Resolution-We know for a fact that those fail.

Not a Challenge-I don’t really like the word challenge. Why? Well, because I quickly categorize it as “challenging” and that makes me want to quit.

Not a month of deprivation, sacrifice, giving up.

Not only about alcohol. Feel free to replace the word alcohol/drinking with anything that might be holding you back (spending, caffeine, bad food, apathy, gossip, etc.).

Now, for Jan AF IS:

It's a rest for your body, mind, and soul from the wear alcohol (sugar, caffeine, gossip) takes on all three.

It’s a time for finding things you like to do. Drinking is not the only thing that is fun but somewhere along the demands of adulthood you have come to believe that in order to have fun you must drink. Fun is everywhere so let’s go and find it.

It’s a chance to become enlightened. When you do something different you grow. Have you ever heard people complaining about that amazing adventure they took that changed their lives…….No. Never.

It’s a time to let go and be open. If you are like me you might justify your decisions constantly. That’s exhausting. You don’t have to label this, or make a plan about it, or start obsessing to the point of torment. Just be in the moment and be open. Less thinking more doing.

Does this sound like something you might be into? Yes? Ok, good.

Here’s how it works. Join our private facebook group here. Watch videos, read posts, and be inspired by others doing this thing with you. Hopefully you will develop some new habits, make some new friends, and be inspired to live your best life.

Too simple? I have spent my entire adult life complicating things. But what I learned after reading The Naked Mind is that all I really needed was a mind shift. More perspective helped me tremendously and the more I learn the more I grow. I want to pass along some of the very simple things that had never once occurred to me.

Festive AF

Last Holiday Season I was only a couple of months into this “not drinking thing.” At that time I wasn’t yet Alive AF. In fact, I had no idea what I was. I just knew that I couldn’t drink anymore.

I’m not gonna lie, it was awkward. I had no idea what to say or how to respond when people asked me if I wanted a drink. Instead of simply replying with a “no thank you” I made it really weird.

I assumed that everyone else was as consumed with my drinking as I was. I was under the impression that people would be expecting a grand response and explanation. I would rehearse what to say and when the time came I would spill out “oh, you know, I am just taking a little time off…ummm…from drinking for right now….because ummmm….drinking has become a major influencer in my life and decisions and I ummm….need to make my health and mental sanity a priority right now…and I have just been drinking a little more than I like…but everything’s fine……but I am um finding myself feeling more and more anxious and I ummm.…” No one cared.

Sure, my close friends and family had a few questions. But most people just wanted to know if they could get me something to drink before they went back to doing the thing they were doing. It’s what the host does.

So, this year I am ready to nail the holidays with confidence and I will share a few things that I have learned to make things……less awkward.

When someone asks me if I’d like a drink I simply smile and say no thank you. There is no need for a giant explanation of any kind. With that being said, I do keep in mind that alcohol is sometimes considered an ice breaker. If everyone has a drink in hand somehow it symbolizes to the host (and to everyone else) that the party has started, everyone is having fun, and all is good. It’s not that people are uncomfortable that I am not drinking it’s just the host really wants to make sure everyone is having fun. Thankfully, I have moved past the stage in my life where I feel like it is my responsibility to make sure everyone is having a good time.

BYOFW (bring your own fizzy water). I have a combination of LaCroix, Pelligrino, and Topo Chico with me at all times. The behavior of “drink in hand” is very comforting to me so I still rely on holding something.

I order sparkling water with lime at restaurants (and ask them to put it in a small glass). And, Mocktails are showing up on menus everywhere making it even easier to feel festive. Nothing is worse than drinking a sprite out of a big red plastic cup!

I eat a lot of desserts. In the past, I always skipped over dessert-opting for another drink instead. Now, you can find me perusing the dessert table taking in all of those yummy treats that I missed out on for years.

I “need to use the restroom” more than I ever did. Not actually, but I find if something is going to happen that will be weird I just….escape. Usually, by the time I get back the scene is reset and I can resume as Alive AF.

I focus on other non-drinkers. Shortly after I stopped drinking we were scheduled to go to a Guns N Roses concert (don’t judge). Not just any concert but one with the whole band intact (Axl AND Slash). At the time that we bought these tickets, I was still drinking. I was so nervous about how I would do this alcohol-free. How could I have fun? Would I be able to dance? Would the music still be awesome? Would I be the only person not drinking? But then I remembered that both Axl and Slash were recovering addicts and had been sober for many years. If they could have fun at their concert I most definitely could have fun at their concert! I focused on how awesome their sobriety was and how cool it was that they could put out the kind of music they did so many years later. It was SO FUN. I remembered that music is life-giving, concerts are extremely entertaining (especially when I don’t miss half of the show standing in line for drinks), and being trashed at concerts is not fun.

I look around. When I was submerged in my drinking I assumed that EVERYONE else was drinking too. I am still shocked at dinners, parties, events, etc. to find that there are so many other people not drinking. How did I miss this before?

I don’t go. If I am invited to a function with people that I may not know that well, that is focused around “drinks,” and that doesn’t feel like it would add a lot of value….I just don’t go. For me, that means skipping out on uncomfortable conversations, standing until my feet hurt, and eating crappy bar food. I am 100% fine with that. Sometimes the answer is just “no.”

And finally, I stop overthinking. In the early days, there were times that I wasn’t sure what was happening. Was I an alcoholic? Was I a non-drinker? Was I void of fun? Do my friends hate me? Am I ever going to drink again? When will I feel better? I was obsessed with trying to figure out what this all meant for me. It took some time for my brain to rewire. I soon learned to focus on one minute at a time. I would repeat to myself “in this minute I am not drinking.” I made no grand promises and I just worked hard at focusing on that one minute. The only one we have.

Happy Holidays the Festive AF Way!

Other Posts You Might Like:

Why My Story to Sobriety Doesn’t Involve AA and What it Does Involve

How Quitting Alcohol is a lot Like a Breakup

You’ve Recently Stopped Drinking Here’s What You Need To Know

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Mommy Drinking

I quit my job 37 hours before my 2nd child was born. It was supposed to be one whole week but things didn’t go as planned. I had been working as a program developer and mental health counselor for the local community mental health center for 10 years.

On my last day of work I collaborated with a school principal to develop speciality programming for the “bad kid” that was causing chaos in her school. I helped a mom and her suicidal teenager get crisis services. And, I linked a homeless man to a shelter. It was hard work that required me to think fast, respond calmly, and trust the process.

I LOVED my job and the people I worked with. But childcare was expensive, the work was unpredictable, and the travel was becoming tiring. So we decided that I would stay at home when my second child was born.

When I agreed to be a stay at home parent I thought it meant being off work. Hell yeah! I planned out the whole thing. I would get SO MUCH ACCOMPLISHED! I would meal prep like I had always wanted to do, we could go to baby/mama classes and learn sign language, and I was going to cloth diaper because I would have so much time on my hands. I couldn’t wait to join a board of directors for a non profit, volunteer at the shelter, and take the kids to visit the elderly.

Guess what? There is no accomplishment with 2 babies. I spent all day trying to get one of them to sleep. I would clean up the cheerios just in time to clean up more cheerios. I changed 619 diapers a day. I couldn’t find time to take a shower or get dressed because what do you do with two babies when you need to be alone in the bathroom?

Instead of accomplishing I waited. I waited for Drew to come home so that I could “have a minute.” I waited for him to bring me wine, or beer, and dinner because there’s no chance in hell I was making something. I waited to relax, or rest, or shower, or change out of my pajamas, or scream at him for “not helping with the baby.”

With two babies, no job, and big plate of WTF is happening-I started drinking regularly. Somehow the boredom and mundane created chaos in my head. I was used to fast paced work with a high level of drama. Sitting around with two non verbal humans all day was the complete opposite of that. My anxiety was suddenly worse than ever before (which is saying a lot because I had been dealing with anxiety my entire life).

Before I knew it I was drinking every single night. I told myself that this was adulting. I said to myself that it’s normal to have a few glasses of wine or beer “with dinner” (even though dinner was cold mac and cheese leftover from Max’s lunch).

Everything felt off, but I was so thankful and reassured by the constant mom memes telling me that drinking and parenting were what moms do. Apathy took over and I began to accept that being tired, anxious, and unhappy was just “life.”

Soon, I was drinking my way through all of my children’s firsts-holidays, birthday parties, you name it. I was missing all of the special moments, all of the cute little nuances that could only be noticed by someone who was paying attention. All the while feeling resentful because I didn’t feel good (hungover, tired, irritable, edgy).

I would then suffocate myself with guilt. I would promise myself that tomorrow would be better and that I would be the perfect mom. We would spend our time crafting, eating healthy snacks, and playing creatively with wooden organic toys. I would will myself to be 100% present and happy. But that was short lived, because honestly who could do that? So, the cycle started over- Anxiety=Drinking=Feeling Like Crap=Guilt=Anxiety=Drinking.

That is until the emotional and physical symptoms were finally so painful that I could no longer deny what was happening.

Now? I am a mediocre mom at best and I am perfectly happy with that title. I am madly in love with my children and I am no longer drinking away my time with them. I no longer need alcohol to take the edge off because ironically, with no alcohol, there is so much less edge. Lowering my expectations and being present has made parenting so much easier.

I also decided that my role in life was so much more than “mother.” Don’t get me wrong, it is by far the most important role and it’s where I focus the majority of my energy. But, there is also me-who deep down also needs to be nurtured and cared for.

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I Struggle with Willpower....

According to a google search the definition of willpower is-Control exerted to do something or restrain impulses.

I have NEVER been great at restraint and I am super impulsive. The times that I have attempted to use willpower to stop or start something have always been complete failures.

Have you ever set a start date for a diet? On the exact day you decided to start eating healthier you get an undeniable craving for Long John Silvers? It’s weird, because you’ve never once eaten there and if anyone ever suggested this to eat you would likely gag. But, now all of a sudden you find yourself in the drivethru fulfilling this overwhelming need to eat fried fish.

This is what happens when I try to use willpower. The minute I tell myself to restrain-my ego starts rebelling making it hard (if not impossible) to do anything other than focus on the thing that I was trying to restrain.

This is how I had attempted to stop drinking in the past. I would “deprive” myself of alcohol for a few days using willpower. I would eat spinach, workout more, refuse hanging out with friends, and lock it down just long enough to get the bloating under control and get rid of the headache.

I specifically remember this one time that I was doing a “clean eating challenge” which meant no alcohol. It was summer and I was at the pool with the kids. We were standing in line at the concession stand to get them an ice cream and I overheard a woman behind me talking on the phone. She told her friend that she was going finish up, take a shower, and then meet them for drinks. I felt so incredibly jealous.

I was angry that she was “having fun” while I was doing a miserable cleanse. I told myself that I was void of fun and that for these 10 days I would suck it up, use willpower, sacrifice, give up, and all the other yucky words that we have been taught to think of when we do something healthy. My limiting beliefs told me that if I wasn’t drinking and eating pizza that I wasn’t having fun.

Hip Sobriety and Annie Grace introduced concepts that I had never thought of before. They taught me FREEDOM!!! They empowered me to follow my heart. I did NOT WANT to drink. That was mind blowing! Telling myself I don’t want to drink was a whole helluvalot different then telling myself I couldn’t drink. And it was true! I really didn’t want to drink anymore! I finally felt encouraged. I had goals, and hope, and motivation which is way more fun than deprivation, sacrifice, and punishment.

Instead of feeling jealous of people “having fun” I WAS HAVING FUN! I was working on becoming a better version of myself! With every single social gathering, event, play date, etc. I gained more and more confidence.

I am so happy to be FREE of headaches, irrational thoughts, loss of sleep, chunks of nights that I can't get back. I am FREE from worrying if I had too many, or too few, or if I was getting too drunk, or if I was having enough fun, or what the ABV was, or if I ate enough dinner, or if I was going to be sick the next day. I AM FINALLY FREE!

So, when I am feeling like I don’t have enough willpower to stop/start doing something.....that’s a good thing. Willpower won’t keep me up at night dreaming my big dreams. Willpower won’t help me push through those times when I want to dive into a bottle of wine. Willpower won’t have me so excited about sharing my new journey. Willpower won’t have me jumping out of bed living my best life.

But freedom will. Freedom is the answer!

Why Didn’t I Know?

One of the most valuable things that I have learned through this process is that everyone has a very different relationship with alcohol…….and it’s deep rooted. When someone looks at another’s drinking they are specifically looking at it through the eyes of their own beliefs and habits. I am sure this is true for lots of things and there is likely a very technical and well researched term for this phenomenon.

So, when I say that I blacked out after drinking people get this image in their mind and quickly compare it whether or not they blacked out, check the box yes or no, and then categorize accordingly. I know this because I too used to do the same thing. “Oh, I have never had a DUI so I must not be that bad.” Or, “You don’t drink? There must be a dark past.”

There is a HUGE divide in our society. Many people believe that there are those who can handle drinking and those who cannot. Sure, there are plenty of people who have one glass of wine at dinner and nothing more AND there are also those in which their addiction destroys lives. But I think there are millions and millions of people who are in the middle of this.

It’s true that when I drink too much coffee I get the shakes. I hate those shakes and over time have I have made the decision to limit myself to just one cup of coffee to avoid feeling that way. When I tell people this, I don’t feel ashamed and I generally don’t feel judged. People either

A.) Understand because they too have felt the side effects of caffeine. Or,

B.) Have built a pretty good tolerance for their caffeine intake and don’t have that particular side effect.

I have never gotten the impression that someone felt judged by my decision to stick to one cup. Nor do I feel that they are curious as to what kind of story my history holds about coffee. And last, I have never gotten the impression that someone thought less of me as a mother when I was shaky and over caffeinated. For the most part people respect my decision and completely understand the concept of no longer wanting to do something that makes me feel like crap.

Not true when it comes to alcohol. When I tell people I blacked out after drinking and that I had horrible hangovers there is a very quick categorization or assumption. Sometimes it’s met with a “That’s not that bad!” or “You must not be able to handle it!” and of course the constant curiosity and question “Are You Addicted?”

I too, made these very rash judgments. That is, before I learned more. Now I have to do better. I want to change the STIGMA and to break down the walls. I don’t want to categorize between people anymore (about alcohol or anything). I don’t want to project my own experiences onto others and assume I know what I am talking about.

Here is my promise-I promise to know more by learning more. I promise to listen instead of waiting for my turn to talk. I promise to continue to learn how media, big business, and money create a lot of my “reality.” I promise to be open and vulnerable even if it makes me uncomfortable. I promise to own my feelings that when someone is different from me I sometimes feel threatened. I promise to interrupt my judgement (because I know it’s normal) with love and empathy.

I promise that I will fail at all of this at times. But, I promise to never stop bringing it into the light.

Stats about alcohol aren’t easily available. And like most service projects, I am sure that there is limited funding for fancy marketing and slogans. Frankly, I was shocked at how little I knew or understood. But, I am really glad I learned….

Hi. I am Samantha and I am Here for the Path?

When I started down this road I knew that my situation would be unique to me. But I also believed that there must be lots of folks who had gone before me. In other words, I assumed there was a clear path. For a Type A, highly anxious, perfectionist-I REALLY needed a “path.” Somewhere that I would start, follow along, and then end at a place of achievement with a nice shiny gold star. So, I was a little disappointed to find out that the so called “path” was more like a spaghetti junction! There were traffic jams, and pot holes, and cones, and people yelling to follow them. It was daunting.

Back when I was pregnant with Max I read a lot. I was going to nail this parenting thing and I had all the books to tell me just how to do so. Right at the end of my pregnancy I read two very different books about how to feed your baby. The first book said follow a tight schedule, don’t get off the plan, stay on track no matter what. The other one said feed him anytime, never stop holding him, don’t have a schedule.

If I am being honest both of these ideas sounded horrible. Having to stick to a strict schedule at all times was just overwhelming and the thought of never putting down my baby was too much. The only two things that these books had in common were the VERY intense theme that THIS way is the right way. And, if you don’t do it this way-you will f up your baby. (I think I added the f up your baby part-but that’s what I remember).

So, when the time came to actually feed my baby I had no idea what to do. Both of these books kept creeping in, instilling fear, and making me question my instincts. So, I did what any terrified, exhausted, anxious mom would do and I froze. Nursing was insanely hard (and I would soon learn impossible), I hadn’t yet learned about pumping, and I wasn’t ready to give into formula. For three straight days I lied to everyone about how feeding was going while I agonized, stressed, and feared the worst.

Thankfully time has passed and Max is a healthy first grader now! But, I tell this story because I feel like I have all the resources I could ever need at my fingertips- but that is overwhelming. When I started the search for help with the connection between anxiety and drinking there were a million different paths I could’ve taken that said they were the ONE right way. I do believe that they would have all gotten me to the place I needed but the trying to decide which one was paralyzing.

What if I failed? What if I started on the path and it was too hard? What if I didn’t know which way to go or made a mistake? Then what? These were the thoughts that made it hard to start down any path. Fear.

I soon learned SO WHAT!!!!?? Who cares if I had to start over, or re learn the process, or go back and read the book! I would still be putting actual effort toward something. And, I would be learning and trying and getting stronger with each defeat.

I had to make my own path. And the way I did that was by STARTING. I showed up! I had to WANT to make the change. I had to find my way and I changed my direction at times, I made wrong turns, I backed up, my headlights burned out. It’s ok! I still got there.

And when I was tired and weak my WHY kept me going. I remembered that the last time I drank I was so anxious the next day that I couldn’t speak, I remembered that before I started this path I felt like crap, I had no motivation, no energy, I was apathetic, and grumpy. I remembered why I didn’t want to live like that and then I kept going. One very small step at a time I just kept moving forward.

The last supper…..Well, actually just the last WINE with supper.

It was the perfect September weekend. The humidity was gone but it was still hot. We had just gotten our boat and we were dying to use it as much as possible before the end of summer. We invited some close friends to come spend the weekend at our little cabin. Everything was great. But it wasn’t. I had been drinking a ton that week leading up to this trip. And, if I am being honest, I had been drinking a ton for years leading up to this trip. But this week I had taken a turn for the worst.  

The kids were back in school and the fall beers had just hit the market.  I was waking up everyday with a hangover and blaming it on our kids for not "sleeping through the night." A hangover meant severe anxiety (combined with crazy  irrational thoughts), severe body aches, and profuse sweating. Really awesome. So, the only logical solution to battle the hangover was to wait until “happy” hour and try to end the suffering. This particular week though I noticed that the suffering remained and with it came this intense anger. So “happy” hour usually consisted of me snapping at my children, yelling at my husband, and passing out by nine because I was just “so tired.”

Also, side note here. To the outside world I was kicking ass in life. I was super social, I was volunteering a ton at the kids’ school, my airbandb business was doing great, I was working out every day, cooking healthy meals for my family, hosting parties for friends, being a good daughter, giving to charity.  All. The. Things. Buuuutt, I also was also getting black out drunk 2-3 (sometimes 4….ok maybe 5) nights a week.

My anxiety was affecting all of us. I was so anxious some days that I couldn’t speak. I would be unable to order a pizza or make eye contact with the mail man. I was sweating profusely all the time (gross). However, I LITERALLY did not think that it was the drinking. I thought it was motherhood, or lack of sleep, or family history of anxiety, or marriage problems, or Max starting kindergarten, or insecurity, or that I didn’t go for a run that day, or carbs!  You know? The fact that I got black out drunk did not at all enter into my mind as being a factor of why I felt like garbage.

So, we drove to the lake for a fun weekend getaway! We spent the day on the boat hanging with our friends and doing what people do when they go boating…. drink and swim. I, like most times when drinking with other people, drank two beers for every one that they had. I also had “matured” my drinking habits by graduating from light lagers to high AbV IPA’s. So, while the rest of the crew had a few day drinks on the boat I had 5 IPA’s (which are high in alcohol content). Then when we got home that evening I had switched from IPA’s to yummy Pumpkin beers (9% ABV). Because, you know, they are so dark and rich and perfect for crisp nights after drinking all day (is what I said).

Only a few hours into the evening I puked. But here’s the thing, before I puked I was able to serve dinner, clean up, get the kids to bed, make sure our guests were all set, and prep breakfast for the next day. I have always been able to get.shit.done. Nevertheless, I was so terribly drunk that my body literally heaved the alcohol out to save me from myself.  

I woke up wearing my swimsuit and glasses on the pull out couch with my sweet boy lying there sleeping next to me. As I type this I feel so embarrassed and sad. I found my way to Drew in the bedroom and asked him the same question I had asked him for years….Is it all ok? He knew exactly what I meant. Had I offended anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings? Did I sing outloud or dance while no one else was? Was I slurring? Do you think they could tell? Was anyone else drunk? Are the kids ok? And on and on. He was so kind and reassuring and rarely ever mad at me. In fact, maybe he made it too ok. I knew he was there and I could count on him.

He said yes, and I fell back to sleep. I woke up bright and early the next morning and did my thing. I made breakfast, cleaned the cabin, got the kids ready for the lake, packed the coolers, all the things. I felt miserable though, worse that I had since last time this happened (which was only a short month prior). My hands were shaking, the sweating was insane, I had cold chills, and I was so anxious that when I tried to smile and be friendly my mouth would literally shake and quiver. I spent the whole day (on the beautiful lake with the sounds of my children laughing and playing) in a state of pure misery. I made it through the day. Then something happened. 

I woke up Monday with the same.exact.hangover. But, I hadn’t had a drink the day before. My whole body shaking, sweating, (what’s with the sweating?!?!?), my head in a place of just full on crazy thoughts, not able to really speak to anyone, and the list goes on. I could not shake the 10 or so beers that I had on Sat. and it was now Monday. This was not ok and I knew it.  

I still smelled like beer and I was sooo paranoid that everyone “knew.” I had the thought like I had so many times before. I have to stop. But how? How could I possibly stop drinking?!?!?!  It’s WHAT WE DO! We hang out at breweries and eat and drink locally crafted beers. We take our kids to cool festivals and drink cool beers. We travel to wine country and beer country (literally). 

We drink with our friends, our parents, our neighbors, our kids teachers, your kids teachers, our bartenders, our yoga instructors, our cheese guy.  We drink at the farmers market, at the fundraising event, at the church picnic, at the family reunion, at weddings, at funerals, at the pool. I mean we drink! My God we drink! 

I felt the only way to stop drinking would be to dig a giant dark hole and jump into it. If I stopped drinking my life would be over. 

Up to this point, I stupidly believed that people who didn’t drink fell into three categories.  1. Pentacostals. 2. Incredibly boring people who must have no sense of joy. 3. Those suffering from a deep dark addiction and who are miserable every day bc they are void of alcohol.  People who were without alcohol must be terribly unhappy.

Despite my (very limiting) beliefs, my (now) 3 day hangover was getting the best of me. I decided to consider “thinking about stopping.” I mean it had already been 3 days and I still had the lingering taste of pumpkin beer in my mouth. So, I did what any modern woman my age would do, I googled “cool people who don’t drink.”  

My hands are shaking right now as I type because those 5 vain and petty words blasted a path for me that will forever change who I am.  A shift in perception is really all I needed. It’s all we ever need.....

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