5 Years Alcohol Free and I Realize It Was Day One That Mattered Most.

I took my last sip of alcohol five years ago. At the time, I didn’t know it was my last sip. I didn’t even know my name because I was blacked out drunk. It was pumpkin beer, my first of the season, and something that I longed for all year long. A favorite thing of mine. But by the time I got around to drinking it-there was no savoring, no taking it all in with the fall atmosphere, no clicking my bottle with special cheers as I felt grateful for my life. Instead, I was just swaying around, slurring gibberish, and making no sense. Man, I really wasted my last sip.

Days went by and I didn’t know that it was my last sip. I was still feeling the effects of my hangover and I hadn’t even come close to thinking about what was next. I just felt this deep pit that I would later learn (thanks to Liz Gilbert) meant not this. I can only describe it now as an aching exhaustion, maybe even despair. I knew I did not want to feel that way anymore. I couldn’t face the anxiety, the body aches, the shame, and the regret. I couldn’t keep up with the “Look at me, I have it all together” lie for another second.

I didn’t want to be “sober” though. I was like a child who throws herself on the floor because she wants a popsicle but only if its purple. Blue won’t do. I tried so many other ways to wrangle my way out of having hangovers, getting too drunk, and experiencing blackouts while still drinking. So when I had the last sip, I was not convinced.

A few days of not drinking went by and I wanted to go to sleep and wake up 5 years sober. I hated the thought of being new at something. I didn’t want to fumble, mess up, or fail. I didn’t want to have to struggle at social gatherings, or tell people that I wasn’t drinking, or face one bit of the hard work. I just wanted to be there. That place where alcohol was no longer the main subject of every single thought. The place where it wasn’t the only topic. The place where I would be able to for sure, 100%, positively know and feel confident that I was going to do this not drinking thing. A place where I could live a life alcohol-free.

Today, I am at that place. I have lived five whole years without another sip of alcohol. I’ve faced social gatherings. I’ve had the talks. I’ve come out (really freaking out) about the fact that I don’t drink and why. It was a lot of hard work. Exhausting at times. But a different kind of exhausting. Not the kind that I felt five years ago when I was aching for something different. The kind that you get after a long day’s work. Hard but finished. Being tired from work is easier than being tired from a spinning shame cycle.

As I reflect, I realize that I didn’t need to be “good” at being alcohol free. I didn’t need to be better at it, secure in it, or “crush” it in order to live this way. The thing that was most important in solidifying my success was starting. It wasn’t the five years that was going to count the most. It was day one. It was the willingness to start something, to go for something terrifying. I read a quote once that said something about how you build confidence by practice and failure. In other words, you don’t build confidence in doing something new by laying awake all night and thinking about it. If I had waited until I felt confident that I was never going to drink again I would still be blacking out on Tuesdays while parenting my kids.

Five years was never the most important time. It was always day one.

When I was newly sober and I read posts from people who had quit drinking five whole years ago I thought there was no way they could understand where I was coming from. They were already so good at it, they were beyond it, above it. They were done. While, some of that was true, I am way over alcohol now after 5 years, a lot of it was not. I still have to do the work. I still, five years later, have to explain to someone new in my life that I don’t drink. I still have to remind myself that checking out with a buzz would not be better than deep breathing-even though I really f’ing hate deep breathing. I still wonder “would this be more fun if I were drinking?” but then quickly remind myself that if it’s not fun without alcohol then it’s just not fun. Alcohol made it tolerable. There’s still a lot of work and alcohol plays a huge role in our society and therefore a role in my life whether I want it to or not.

Most importantly though, after five years it never gets old. Waking up without a hangover is still just as good as it was back then. Going to a party and leaving with the ability to use my legs, drive a car, and remember what I said the next day is still remarkably satisfying. Being of sound mind at all times, while not always easy, is such a gift that I can’t get enough of. I’ve never once taken for granted how much better my mental health is. I still cry in gratitude that I have peace in my life. The fact that I don’t drink alcohol is still one of my favorite things about myself. It’s not something I’m ashamed of or that I wish I had a better handle on. I’m glad things weren’t going so well for me or otherwise I would have never known this life existed.

I guess as I celebrate today with my bubbly AF concoction and my tears of joy I won’t be patting myself on the back for how far I’ve come. Instead, I’ll hug myself tightly for starting to begin with. It was always day one that mattered the most.

Is Sobriety A Fad?

I’ve taken part in quite a few fads over the years. Hammer pants come to mind. I once had a mood ring on every finger. In college I drank Zima with jolly ranchers (if you know you know). In other words, I can be persuaded by the new “it” thing that is going to make me feel good, look good, and most importantly “fit in.”

During a phase of my childhood I can remember my dad making this drink in our dining room. It was from a mushroom and it had to ferment for a long period of time. It was stinky and there were always gnats flying around and I wondered why he would want to drink something so gross. He described it as healing. This “tea” as he called it, would help with everything from his arthritis to making him look and feel younger. After a while though, he didn’t really see the benefits that he was promised and the amount of work that went into making it outweighed the rewards. The tea making went to the wayside, along with my hammer pants, and whatever else that was “in” during that time period. It wasn’t until a few years ago when I heard about this “tea” once again. It’s called Kombucha.

Like kombucha, sobriety makes a lot of promises. More and more people are interested. There are a lot of reasons that sobriety is appealing. Especially if you are close to my age. As we age into our forties things can feel hard enough with work, parenting, family obligations, stress, etc. Spending the day in bed with a hangover is not only awful but, for many of us, it’s undoable. We have too much shit to do. The days are gone where drinking all night and sleeping all day is acceptable. There were a number of times when I had to plan for my hangover. I had childcare lined up after a big night or I woke up and sat the kids in front of the tv until I could drink enough coffee to function.

Sobriety is also appealing for health reasons. Information about how bad gluten, sugar, carbs, sun exposure, chemicals in our household products, and more can be found in an instant. We are more aware of the dangers then our parents were about the things that we put into our bodies. Alcohol is a carcinogen and is linked to tons of health problems. The more the word gets out about this the more people are turned off.

It’s not just addiction. The benefits of not drinking alcohol are plentiful. For me, most of the promises have come true. My life is more fullfilled, I have made more friends, I have more energy, less mental health issues, wonderful sleep, healthy looking skin, and that feeling that I always know what I’m doing and saying never ever gets old.

If sobriety is a fad then I’m all in. Sign me up for the t shirts and the coffee mugs (oh, I already have those). Like kombucha, I don’t see this one going away any time soon. People have stepped out of the anonymous rooms of AA and are sharing the beauty of living alcohol free for the world to see. Celebrities are making mocktails because they no longer want to feel tipsy from alcohol. Women are bashing mommy wine culture and demanding that we send a better message. People are done drinking for so many reasons aside from addiction. That’s not a bad thing.

We are waking up to the lies. We don’t need alcohol to help us socialize. How about we grab a good friend and make sure that we only go to events that we like attending. We don’t need alcohol to sleep. We can exercise, read, drink relaxing tea with actual health benefits. We don’t need alcohol to take the edge off. We can go to therapy to figure out why the edge is there to begin with and then heal. We don’t need alchol to have fun. Our bodies are great at letting us have fun if just stop filling them with chemicals that alter everything.

Maybe drinking was the fad. Drinking, being sloppy and wasted, forgetting periods of time, slurring speech, stumbling, hangxiety, regret, and blacking out seems like old news. I think sobriety is replacing the old, outdated, unhealthy habit that we once had to rely on to survive.

Who Am I Without Alcohol?

Are you one of those people who is always trying to figure out why you are the way you are? 

I am. 

But I haven’t always been that way. 

When I removed alcohol from my life in 2018, everything changed. 

I changed. 

Back when I drank, alcohol decided my actions. After the first sip, the rest was uncertain. I never knew what was going to happen when I drank. This presented many negative consequences and put me in more questionable situations than I can count. But I did it anyway. Each time hoping that nothing bad would happen, yet also knowing that I’d “deal with it” if it did. My drinking was always more important than the potential negatives it could bring. For years this is how I went through life.

I was a binge drinker from the start. When I began drinking in high school it was harmless. Yes, I found myself in bad situations back then, but young people make mistakes, right? Making mistakes is the only way to learn. Unfortunately for me, it took another 16 years before I figured it out. Throughout my years as a young adult, I put partying at the top of my to-do list. Because of this, I never learned who I was. I spent no time trying to figure myself out. Heavy drinking caused me to lose the ability to control anything around me. It caused me to lose control of myself. Control is a skill that I am still learning how to master. And maybe I never will. Maybe we’re not supposed to master any life skills. What if we're only supposed to be at least average at what we think is perfection?

Once I accepted that alcohol was to blame for many of my mistakes, I was able to start moving forward. Learning about who I am without alcohol gives me comfort when shameful thoughts about my past come to the surface.

I crave to be in control, and I know that I’m not alone. Many other ex-drinkers I’ve talked to seem to have similar issues with control. It’s funny, isn’t it? For so long we think we're in control of our drinking. Yet we’re ingesting a substance that by nature causes us to lose all control. 

Alcohol does a great job of doing what it’s intended to do. We use it to relax, or to let loose after a long day. And for a while, it works. If Alcohol was on staff at a major corporation it’d be a recipient of the employee of the month award. 

Alcohol – FIVE STARS! Would drink again!

You get my point. 

Now, let’s skip to the good part... 

After I went alcohol-free, I became in full control of my thoughts, my feelings, and my body. This was a new feeling for me. I had no idea this part was coming. For me, removing alcohol was like uncovering a new layer of myself that I didn’t know existed. 

I know it sounds silly, but at age 32 I started to grow up. I’m so thankful for that. So many people go through their entire lives not knowing who they are. They spend their days doing things they think they need to do. Many people aspire to have someone else’s life. The grass always seems a bit greener on the other side. For so long this was how I moved through life. I was surviving. 

Now that I don’t drink, I’m thriving. 

I am much more aware of the things happening around me and of myself. This newfound self-awareness is great in most situations. Many times I find myself irritated about the way something happened or didn’t happen. I get upset when things don’t go as I thought they would. But, I am in control. I’m the one calling the shots for my life, and that’s powerful.

Sometimes I wonder, If I’m in full control of myself, then why am I always striving to be in control? 

I don’t have an answer for that, but I’m working on it.

And what’s great is that I don’t have to have an answer. 

Quitting drinking doesn’t fix everything. But it does allow me to start working on the things that need fixing, and for that – I’m thankful.

Blair is an alcohol-free wife and mom from Minnesota. She works full-time outside of the home, and also does freelance writing. She is a writer for Rochester Mom, a parenting resource in her city. She is also a contributor for The Sober Curator. She's a tall introverted homebody who loves cheese and watching reality television. You can find her creating content on Instagram, on Facebook, and on her website.

Blair Sharp

Writer

4 Reasons Drinking Is Killing Your Financial Health

It was one of those rare occasions that my birthday fell on a Saturday night.  I was so excited to “go out” and had invited friends to meet me at the bar.  I was wearing a pair of Guess jeans that I had charged on my maxed out credit card.  Due to missed credit card payments and skyrocketed interest those jeans probably ended up costing me about $4,000.00.  Anyway, I felt cute and excited and a guy that I liked was going to be there.  

I desperately wanted to seem cool and relaxed but mostly I wanted that guy that I liked to think I was awesome. He had no interest in me but I thought I could change that by buying the whole bar a round.  Or at least, that what my drunk self thought.  I think I spent close to $500 on drinks that night.  This was more money than my rent at the time.

As a young drinker I made horrible financial decisions.  I was making very little money and when I was drinking what little financial hope that I had was overtaken by my desperate need to “be” fun.

As I aged, I stopped buying the whole bar shots and got a better hold on my financial situation. But even then, drinking was costing me.  A $36 bottle of wine with dinner, $8 IPA’s from swanky breweries, a $14 six pack of seasonal beers became the norm.  

Since I’ve stopped drinking I’ve saved thousands of dollars. It wasn’t just the drinks that were costing me money.  

Here are the four reasons that drinking killed my financial health.

1. Drunken Spending. It’s a fact that drinking lowers inhibitions. While I drank, chemical misfires were happening behind the scenes. Alcohol disrupted my norepinephrine and prefrontal cortex. These are the parts of the brain that affect impulse control and the decision making process. In other words, while impaired, I wasn’t thinking too much about my money problems. Instead, I was like “Let’s have another” and gave no f’s about the consequences. That doesn’t even include the cost of cover charges, cab rides, or a quick buzzed trip into the gas station to load up on $10 worth of things I thought I needed.

2. Alcohol is Expensive. Even when I matured and stopped buying the bar a round, drinking is was an added cost. Between drinks with the girls, that bottle of wine I bought every couple of nights, a few drinks on date night, and the Trader Joe’s wine sale, things got pricey. I was easily spending $100 a week on drinks.

3. Hangovers Cost. I woke up most mornings feeling bad about myself. In my younger drinking days, I would beg my girlfriends to meet for brunch and/or shopping so that I could take my mind off of the guilt and shame I had for getting too drunk the night before. When I was older, I would find myself buying expensive smoothies or exercise equipment in order to detox myself. When I felt bad about myself all of the time, I was spending money…. money to make me feel better, money to make me look better, money to distract myself from the real problems, and more.

4. Lack of Motivation. As a drinking person my capacity was so low. I could do my one job, take care of my kids, kind of clean my house and do other chores and that was it. I started drinking at 5p and from then until bedtime I was checked out. The thing I did was drink. As a sober person though, my capacity is endless. I don’t spend my nights drinking and my mornings recovering from drinking and so those hours can be filled with other things. Often times, those things are different streams of income. I have motivation to work and so I have lots of jobs (real estate, author, speaker, program developer, and more) and each of those put a little extra money in my pocket. Money that I would have previously spent on booze.

There are so many downsides to drinking.  The financial burden is just one more result that we’ve come to accept without question. Would we allow ourselves to buy three or four $8 desserts at dinner?  Would we spend $100 a week on shoes or clothes?  Would we donate $50 to a charitable organization each week? Would we let our kids buy $5 drinks every time we went somewhere?  I know I didn’t.  

When’s the last time you added up how much you spend on booze?

Want More Reasons To Stop Drinking?

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I’ve Been AF for 4 Years. Here’s What I’ve Learned.

Four years ago I was looking at a blinking google search bar.  I typed in “am I an alcoholic?” and filled out an online questionnaire that confirmed I was not. I then typed how to stop drinking, rehab near me, how to stop drinking if you’re not an alcoholic, famous people who don’t drink, do Mormons drink, how to become a Pentecostal, and finally cool people who don’t drink. 

That’s when everything changed.  A blog popped up sharing story after story of a girl who didn’t drink anymore.  I had to take the words in slowly because my head was still pounding from dehydration and my hangover was not subsiding at all. I wanted to stop.  I didn’t want to drink anymore. I hated feeling sick, anxious, and hungover but I just couldn’t see a world of mine that didn’t involve alcohol.  It was just everywhere, with everyone I knew, and I didn’t want to have to be the only one who didn’t drink. I assumed I was all alone.  Well, me and this girl’s blog I had just found (Holly Whitaker).  We, she and I, were the only two women in the world who hated drinking but loved to drink and wanted to stop but didn’t know how because we weren’t alcoholics and people just don’t stop drinking for no good reason……you know?!?!?

Fast foward to today and I am a living breathing sober person who doesn’t think about drinking anymore. I didn’t think this day would come. I assumed that any person who went from drinking to not drinking would spend the rest of their day’s yearning for more. But I don’t. I don’t want to drink. I don’t wish I had some. I don’t feel lame. I no longer fantasize about having a glass of wine if I ever travel to Italy or what I will toast with at my son’s wedding. Things are over between alcohol and I. Over for good.

I don’t miss the hangovers, the hangxiety, the dread. I don’t miss the obsessing about if I’ve had enough and there’s no guilt of having too much. I no longer believe the lies that alcohol will somehow enhance my experience and make life more fun. Nor, do I believe it will relieve stress and put me at ease. I’ve moved on.

I will never again turn to alcohol for anything. I’ve found a different path, one that doesn’t alter me from who I am but instead grounds me. A path that doesn’t increase my anxiety or cause a dry mouth and a headache. I still can’t believe that I purposely made myself feel sick!!

I still have bad days. Terrible ones, at times but now my coping skills work. All the things that I’ve worked so hard at actually come through for me when I need them the most.

When I first stopped drinking if I were to read a post like this I would think “she doesn’t know what it’s like.” I would be searching, seeking, and hanging on every word trying to find out what the magic was. Where was the how-to list that would 100% guarantee that I could do this? How could I be positive that that sober life was for me? I got irritated with every blogger, author, and sober spokesperson for not sharing something like the “quick and easy guide to getting sober.”

I never found the secret or quick guide. There was no magic solution that was going to make the time go by faster. I just didn’t drink. Hour by hour at first, then day by day, then weeks, months, and now years. In the recovery world, they call this one day at a time. Every single day that I didn’t drink got me closer to today-a day that being a drinking person is no longer who I am.

Four years straight of saying “no thanks,” and “I’m good,” and “I don’t drink actually” at the seven million times alcohol has been suggested or offered to me. I’ve practiced saying it so much that now it’s completely true. I am good! All because I eliminated something toxic from my life. Not just the toxins in the drink but also the toxic thinking that it left me with.

My pros and cons list about quitting literally has no cons. The messages about how much I need booze to survive is all lies. The thinking that I would be bored or boring were false. The worry that I would have no friends was silly (I have more now than ever thanks to a flourishing sober community!). The fear that I couldn’t handle my anxiety was a farce, it was the alcohol making my anxiety so bad. On and on and on.

I’m still pissed off at alcohol. I’m not quite ready to forgive. The lies and seduction that make us believe we need it really bother me. The fact that there isn’t proper labeling and that people are choosing to drink it without knowing that it causes things like cancer, depression, and addiction enrages me. Knowing that it’s responsible for so many deaths and that we allow it to be marketed to children is what gets me going everyday. Even though I never spend one second thinking about drinking I dedicate a massive amount of energy to breaking down the myths of alcohol. In some ways, it’s given me a purpose.

Today, four years have gone by and I haven’t had a single sip of alcohol. What was once such a huge part of my life and identity has now vanished into the distance. It’s like having a tattoo that you got in college but haven’t looked at in 20 years. It’s there but it’s not who you are anymore.

I plan to keep going. I want to share my story over and over again until every single person who needs to hear it does. I want to hold up a sign that says “don’t believe this bullshit” every time I see a “they whine I wine” tea towel (or at least give my readers a pause when they see it). I want to be the foundation for a new kind of support for women and mothers that doesn’t rely on alcohol to connect, cope and feel worthy. I want to remind the world that drinking is not solution. Last, I want my posts to pop up on the desperate person’s screen who knows she can’t do it anymore……….and hope my words help her feel less alone.

More Like This:

I’ve Been Alcohol Free for Two Years. Here’s What I Want You To Know.

Why Thinking About Quitting Drinking Is Miserable

Thinking about quitting drinking? I get it. I did too. Almost daily for a long time. I would think about quitting drinking, google whether or not I was an alcoholic, think about all the consequences that I thought would be associated with quitting, and then go right back to drinking-resigning to the fact that I was just not the “kind of person” that would live a sober lifestyle.

What I’ve learned from other sober people is that they kind of did the same thing. Change is hard (even harder if there’s a chemical involved making you think that you need it more than you do). While it’s a really good idea to consider the options and possibilities before making a big change, thinking about changing isn’t change. It’s just something we do that occupies space and buys us time.

Sometimes what we need is time. However the right time isn’t always what we think. For example, the best time to quit drinking doesn’t come along when all the bars are closed, there are no family obigations, and our calenders are cleared of all social events that might trigger us to drink for the rest of our lives. That sure would be nice (current events might make this a lot easier). Unfortunately though, if you’re thing is alcohol, you’ll likely never find a time when it’s not a factor. It’s everywhere.

The right time is often right now. The moment that we are again pondering or thinking about quitting drinking. In fact, the only regret I have about quitting drinking is not doing it sooner. Don’t we hear that a lot? People who’ve left marriages, changed jobs, lowered their cholesterol, ran a marathon, etc. usually say that they wish they’d done it sooner. They’ve discovered that the worries and fears holding them back were not what they thought. The positive outcomes of the change outweighed any negative consequences.

For me, I finally reached a point where thinking about quitting drinking was actually harder than just quitting drinking. Waking up trying to decide if it was the alcohol making me feel bad or if adulthood was, in fact, just that shitty was becoming exhausting. Worrying about ways to decrease my anxiety while having a hunch that alcohol might be contributing was making me uneasy. Wondering what life would be like alcohol-free was agonizing. Eventually, staying the same felt like it was no longer an option (even though I was in no way ready to change).

Discomfort and pain were the factors that led me to finally change. My pros/cons list was long gone. But why does is have to be that way? When did we start buying into the idea that we only change when things hit “rock bottom?” Why did I have to pile on more regrets, experience more anxiety, and more emotional suffering? Why weren’t the cons on my list enough-hangovers, increased anxiety, hating myself when I drank too much, embarrassing myself, etc.?

The one thing that I’ve learned from living alcohol-free is that I don’t know what I don’t know. I literally had no idea what it would be like to embrace an alcohol free lifestyle. I had never once in my life done that. Sure, there were times with no alcohol-pregnancy, cleanses, diets, illness, etc. but I always felt like drinking was a part of me. It was “what I did” and “who I was.” So no matter what I put down on those lists and how much time I spent thinking about what it would be like to not drink anymore, I really didn’t have a clue what I was talking about.

Thinking about quitting drinking is not quitting drinking. You can research, read, detail, and devise a plan. Maybe you plan to read a book or two, attend an AA meeting, only drink on Saturdays, drink wine instead of bourbon, only have drinks socially, only drink between the hours of 5-6, or when it’s fall, or at weddings. Maybe you want to watch that documentary first or listen to that podcast. Maybe you want to poll your friends or try to decide how every single person you’ve ever met in your life is going to feel about you once you stop. The reality is, you just won’t know what’s it’s like until you try. There’s a great quote out there (and I can’t remember who said it). It goes something like 100% of people who quit drinking all did this one thing. They quit drinking. It really is that simple. They just stopped opening the can or the bottle and putting it up to their lips and swallowing.

Start there and then work on figuring out the rest with the support that you need. For some people it might be rehabilitation, support groups, and lots of helpful resources. For me, it was unlearning, relearning, and trusting that, in time I would benefit. That my mind, body, and soul would reap the benefits of living a sober life.

Feel free to replace the word alcohol with that thing you’ve been agonizing about. What’s the thing that keeps you up at night or nags you everytime you do it? Maybe it used to be really fun and it served a great purpose so you think you should still hang on. Maybe it once brought you happiness and connection. But it’s just not doing that anymore and deep down you know that. Buuuuuutttttttt………change sucks and maybe you think that staying the same would be easier than changing. It’s usually not.

My suggestion is to go with something new. Since you already know what it’s like to drink-why not try making that pros/cons list as a more informed, diverse human who has had the experience as a drinker AND a non drinker? Once I did that my list changed A LOT:

PRO to Quitting: CONS to Quitting:

Alive N/A

I’ve Been Alcohol Free For Three Years and Here’s What’s Shocked Me The Most....

I used to smoke (sorry mom). Cigarettes were my love language. There wasn’t anything that I couldn’t work out over a couple of puffs. I loved the way that they felt in my hand and the way I felt when I smoked. The ritual (despite now knowing how absolutely disgusting) brought me a lot of joy.

When I had to stop smoking, it was because I knew the habit was dangerous, damaging, and unhealthy. Regardless, I wasn’t happy about it. I’m reminded of this story my mom told of me holding onto my pacifier until I was way too old. I finally decided it was time to give it up (after much persuasion) and I kissed it goodbye and put it in the trash while crying my eyes out for a long long time. That’s kind of how felt when I stopped smoking. I would do it dammit…..but I wouldn’t like it.

I used willpower, force, shaming, and berating myself until I finally just stopped craving them. But I will tell you the truth- if the surgeon general were to come out and say that they had it all wrong and that smoking is actually good for you-I would start again in a heartbeat!

Today I’m two days away from being three years sober. Shockingly, my experience with quitting booze was a lot less negative than my experience with quitting smoking. I had come to the conclusion that alcohol was no longer serving me because I wasn’t feeling good emotionally or physically. I went about it with curiosity while slowly learning about the drug and allowing myself to form new ideas. I didn’t make any grand proclamations that I was “quitting” and I gave myself so much grace and love (instead of shame and guilt like I did with smoking). I think that’s the difference of why I still hold on hope that smoking will someday be healthy while I don’t ever want to drink again.

Since quitting booze I’ve taken that same approach with a few other things. Recently, I’ve given up scrolling social media on my phone. I think it’s clear that I’m not great with moderation. Once the pandemic hit I found that I was spending an obscene amount of time on my phone. Did you know that social media addiction works a lot like alcohol addiction? I decided that I needed to get my life back and I approached it a lot like I approached quitting booze. I started with loving myself enough to know that I wanted more for my life than to look at my phone all day long. I gave it time and patience. I replaced the behavior with more writing, taking pictures for fun, and looking up recipes.

I’ve also given up gluten due to a recent scare with a family member who has a genetic form of Celiac. Again, this was done as a form of self-respect and love. I focused on what I would gain if I quit gluten and I do have Celiac (still waiting on testing). I stayed positive about the outcome and I found a gluten-free biscuit recipe that gets me through hard times.

These days I’m finding it easier to say goodbye to things that are no longer serving me. Successfully becoming alcohol-free has given me the confidence to eliminate things from my life. I’m much less driven by FOMO, obligations, threats, shoulds, and societal pressures and much more inclined to evaluate what brings me peace. Sometimes it’s additions like meditation or journaling. But mostly, I’m learning that quitting things is often the answer. I’ve realized over and over again that my comfort zone isn’t always that comfortable. For example, looking at my phone for 3 straight hours while consuming massive amounts of cookies, cakes, and bread (I’m not joking).

I’m shocked that by being a quitter I’m becoming more and more myself. Quitting is something that never seemed like an option for me. My personality does not mesh well with quitters. I’m a doer. I get things done. I’m your go-to gal, a jack of all trades, super reliable, and a follow all the way through no matter the pain and suffering kind of person. My brain can easily turn the idea quitting into failure, unworthiness, and a dark hole of void. With all of that being said, sobriety is teaching me that I might have it all wrong. Maybe quitting is my greatest asset?

These days I accept that I am ever-changing and that there is really no one version of me that will last forever. I used to think that if I changed all the time I must be a hypocrite, a liar, someone who gives up, someone who doesn’t know themselves, and a bunch of other negative associations. That’s just not true. The more I grow, the more I learn, and the more I change. Not everything of course. I’m probably always going to be a little bit anxious and I don’t think I’ll ever start liking heavy metal. But if I need to quit something (especially if it’s toxic) now I know I can.

Do you have anything that could be eliminated?

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Festive AF

Last Holiday Season I was only a couple of months into this “not drinking thing.” At that time I wasn’t yet Alive AF. In fact, I had no idea what I was. I just knew that I couldn’t drink anymore.

I’m not gonna lie, it was awkward. I had no idea what to say or how to respond when people asked me if I wanted a drink. Instead of simply replying with a “no thank you” I made it really weird.

I assumed that everyone else was as consumed with my drinking as I was. I was under the impression that people would be expecting a grand response and explanation. I would rehearse what to say and when the time came I would spill out “oh, you know, I am just taking a little time off…ummm…from drinking for right now….because ummmm….drinking has become a major influencer in my life and decisions and I ummm….need to make my health and mental sanity a priority right now…and I have just been drinking a little more than I like…but everything’s fine……but I am um finding myself feeling more and more anxious and I ummm.…” No one cared.

Sure, my close friends and family had a few questions. But most people just wanted to know if they could get me something to drink before they went back to doing the thing they were doing. It’s what the host does.

So, this year I am ready to nail the holidays with confidence and I will share a few things that I have learned to make things……less awkward.

When someone asks me if I’d like a drink I simply smile and say no thank you. There is no need for a giant explanation of any kind. With that being said, I do keep in mind that alcohol is sometimes considered an ice breaker. If everyone has a drink in hand somehow it symbolizes to the host (and to everyone else) that the party has started, everyone is having fun, and all is good. It’s not that people are uncomfortable that I am not drinking it’s just the host really wants to make sure everyone is having fun. Thankfully, I have moved past the stage in my life where I feel like it is my responsibility to make sure everyone is having a good time.

BYOFW (bring your own fizzy water). I have a combination of LaCroix, Pelligrino, and Topo Chico with me at all times. The behavior of “drink in hand” is very comforting to me so I still rely on holding something.

I order sparkling water with lime at restaurants (and ask them to put it in a small glass). And, Mocktails are showing up on menus everywhere making it even easier to feel festive. Nothing is worse than drinking a sprite out of a big red plastic cup!

I eat a lot of desserts. In the past, I always skipped over dessert-opting for another drink instead. Now, you can find me perusing the dessert table taking in all of those yummy treats that I missed out on for years.

I “need to use the restroom” more than I ever did. Not actually, but I find if something is going to happen that will be weird I just….escape. Usually, by the time I get back the scene is reset and I can resume as Alive AF.

I focus on other non-drinkers. Shortly after I stopped drinking we were scheduled to go to a Guns N Roses concert (don’t judge). Not just any concert but one with the whole band intact (Axl AND Slash). At the time that we bought these tickets, I was still drinking. I was so nervous about how I would do this alcohol-free. How could I have fun? Would I be able to dance? Would the music still be awesome? Would I be the only person not drinking? But then I remembered that both Axl and Slash were recovering addicts and had been sober for many years. If they could have fun at their concert I most definitely could have fun at their concert! I focused on how awesome their sobriety was and how cool it was that they could put out the kind of music they did so many years later. It was SO FUN. I remembered that music is life-giving, concerts are extremely entertaining (especially when I don’t miss half of the show standing in line for drinks), and being trashed at concerts is not fun.

I look around. When I was submerged in my drinking I assumed that EVERYONE else was drinking too. I am still shocked at dinners, parties, events, etc. to find that there are so many other people not drinking. How did I miss this before?

I don’t go. If I am invited to a function with people that I may not know that well, that is focused around “drinks,” and that doesn’t feel like it would add a lot of value….I just don’t go. For me, that means skipping out on uncomfortable conversations, standing until my feet hurt, and eating crappy bar food. I am 100% fine with that. Sometimes the answer is just “no.”

And finally, I stop overthinking. In the early days, there were times that I wasn’t sure what was happening. Was I an alcoholic? Was I a non-drinker? Was I void of fun? Do my friends hate me? Am I ever going to drink again? When will I feel better? I was obsessed with trying to figure out what this all meant for me. It took some time for my brain to rewire. I soon learned to focus on one minute at a time. I would repeat to myself “in this minute I am not drinking.” I made no grand promises and I just worked hard at focusing on that one minute. The only one we have.

Happy Holidays the Festive AF Way!

Other Posts You Might Like:

Why My Story to Sobriety Doesn’t Involve AA and What it Does Involve

How Quitting Alcohol is a lot Like a Breakup

You’ve Recently Stopped Drinking Here’s What You Need To Know

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The last supper…..Well, actually just the last WINE with supper.

It was the perfect September weekend. The humidity was gone but it was still hot. We had just gotten our boat and we were dying to use it as much as possible before the end of summer. We invited some close friends to come spend the weekend at our little cabin. Everything was great. But it wasn’t. I had been drinking a ton that week leading up to this trip. And, if I am being honest, I had been drinking a ton for years leading up to this trip. But this week I had taken a turn for the worst.  

The kids were back in school and the fall beers had just hit the market.  I was waking up everyday with a hangover and blaming it on our kids for not "sleeping through the night." A hangover meant severe anxiety (combined with crazy  irrational thoughts), severe body aches, and profuse sweating. Really awesome. So, the only logical solution to battle the hangover was to wait until “happy” hour and try to end the suffering. This particular week though I noticed that the suffering remained and with it came this intense anger. So “happy” hour usually consisted of me snapping at my children, yelling at my husband, and passing out by nine because I was just “so tired.”

Also, side note here. To the outside world I was kicking ass in life. I was super social, I was volunteering a ton at the kids’ school, my airbandb business was doing great, I was working out every day, cooking healthy meals for my family, hosting parties for friends, being a good daughter, giving to charity.  All. The. Things. Buuuutt, I also was also getting black out drunk 2-3 (sometimes 4….ok maybe 5) nights a week.

My anxiety was affecting all of us. I was so anxious some days that I couldn’t speak. I would be unable to order a pizza or make eye contact with the mail man. I was sweating profusely all the time (gross). However, I LITERALLY did not think that it was the drinking. I thought it was motherhood, or lack of sleep, or family history of anxiety, or marriage problems, or Max starting kindergarten, or insecurity, or that I didn’t go for a run that day, or carbs!  You know? The fact that I got black out drunk did not at all enter into my mind as being a factor of why I felt like garbage.

So, we drove to the lake for a fun weekend getaway! We spent the day on the boat hanging with our friends and doing what people do when they go boating…. drink and swim. I, like most times when drinking with other people, drank two beers for every one that they had. I also had “matured” my drinking habits by graduating from light lagers to high AbV IPA’s. So, while the rest of the crew had a few day drinks on the boat I had 5 IPA’s (which are high in alcohol content). Then when we got home that evening I had switched from IPA’s to yummy Pumpkin beers (9% ABV). Because, you know, they are so dark and rich and perfect for crisp nights after drinking all day (is what I said).

Only a few hours into the evening I puked. But here’s the thing, before I puked I was able to serve dinner, clean up, get the kids to bed, make sure our guests were all set, and prep breakfast for the next day. I have always been able to get.shit.done. Nevertheless, I was so terribly drunk that my body literally heaved the alcohol out to save me from myself.  

I woke up wearing my swimsuit and glasses on the pull out couch with my sweet boy lying there sleeping next to me. As I type this I feel so embarrassed and sad. I found my way to Drew in the bedroom and asked him the same question I had asked him for years….Is it all ok? He knew exactly what I meant. Had I offended anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings? Did I sing outloud or dance while no one else was? Was I slurring? Do you think they could tell? Was anyone else drunk? Are the kids ok? And on and on. He was so kind and reassuring and rarely ever mad at me. In fact, maybe he made it too ok. I knew he was there and I could count on him.

He said yes, and I fell back to sleep. I woke up bright and early the next morning and did my thing. I made breakfast, cleaned the cabin, got the kids ready for the lake, packed the coolers, all the things. I felt miserable though, worse that I had since last time this happened (which was only a short month prior). My hands were shaking, the sweating was insane, I had cold chills, and I was so anxious that when I tried to smile and be friendly my mouth would literally shake and quiver. I spent the whole day (on the beautiful lake with the sounds of my children laughing and playing) in a state of pure misery. I made it through the day. Then something happened. 

I woke up Monday with the same.exact.hangover. But, I hadn’t had a drink the day before. My whole body shaking, sweating, (what’s with the sweating?!?!?), my head in a place of just full on crazy thoughts, not able to really speak to anyone, and the list goes on. I could not shake the 10 or so beers that I had on Sat. and it was now Monday. This was not ok and I knew it.  

I still smelled like beer and I was sooo paranoid that everyone “knew.” I had the thought like I had so many times before. I have to stop. But how? How could I possibly stop drinking?!?!?!  It’s WHAT WE DO! We hang out at breweries and eat and drink locally crafted beers. We take our kids to cool festivals and drink cool beers. We travel to wine country and beer country (literally). 

We drink with our friends, our parents, our neighbors, our kids teachers, your kids teachers, our bartenders, our yoga instructors, our cheese guy.  We drink at the farmers market, at the fundraising event, at the church picnic, at the family reunion, at weddings, at funerals, at the pool. I mean we drink! My God we drink! 

I felt the only way to stop drinking would be to dig a giant dark hole and jump into it. If I stopped drinking my life would be over. 

Up to this point, I stupidly believed that people who didn’t drink fell into three categories.  1. Pentacostals. 2. Incredibly boring people who must have no sense of joy. 3. Those suffering from a deep dark addiction and who are miserable every day bc they are void of alcohol.  People who were without alcohol must be terribly unhappy.

Despite my (very limiting) beliefs, my (now) 3 day hangover was getting the best of me. I decided to consider “thinking about stopping.” I mean it had already been 3 days and I still had the lingering taste of pumpkin beer in my mouth. So, I did what any modern woman my age would do, I googled “cool people who don’t drink.”  

My hands are shaking right now as I type because those 5 vain and petty words blasted a path for me that will forever change who I am.  A shift in perception is really all I needed. It’s all we ever need.....

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