About Last Night: Confessions of a TEDx Speaker

The show started. I was standing backstage awaiting my turn while doing all of the coping techniques that I had planned to have in case I needed them. I needed them. I was EFT tapping while reciting to myself “I am safe. I am calm.” I took giant deep breaths while holding my arms over head and then dropping into a forward fold. I eagerly prayed to God to move through me, make me a channel of peace, step up and take over, while pleading for the words to come. I ignored the other people around me and chose to forgo any kind of image in order to attempt to release some of the terror and anxiety that I was feeling. I looked insane.

I heard my name, “Welcome Samantha Perkins.” As I walked on stage it occurred to me that not only was I going to be speaking but I was going to be speaking against something that most people love. A topic that might trigger people, that most would disagree with, or not understand. I thought back to the note that my son had given me that said Mom, Good Luck Talking About The Downsides of Alcohol. In that second, as I stepped onto the red dot, I realized that I might need more than luck.

I took deep breaths. I began my speech. I walked around the red dot like a dog nesting before a good night’s sleep. If I stopped moving the words wouldn’t flow. I was sure of it. So, I kept moving and the words, they came one after the other mostly like I had practiced. My voice wasn’t too shaky. I didn’t blank. I said what I came to say. As I walked off the stage I felt the most relief I think I’d ever felt.

I took my seat in the audience and got to listen to the other speakers. I no longer cared about my talk and instead had the luxury of being a listener looking for inspiration. Afterward, there was a reception. I felt overwhelmingly tired, as the adrenaline wore off I considered laying down right there to sleep. I left early.

As I walking out, one of the audience members said “Here she comes. Hide your drinks.” There were drinks there. Of course, there were. I thought this was funny and I laughed. I said “No judgement. You do you” with a big giant smile. You see, I knew that he was not my one. My one was out there though. They always are. The person who drinks casually, who has never once mentioned it being a problem out loud but who thinks about it constantly. The person who is looking everywhere for that one story, that one person, that one incident that will tell them that their relationship with drinking is coming to an end but has no idea what this means for them. I know this because they message me. Strangers, for years, have reached out telling me that that one sentence I said, that one chapter, or that one post help put them on a path. It’s why I get up every morning and write about this stuff. It’s why I put myself through the agony of being seen and heard. As an anxious person, being vulnerable can be terrifying.

But I was once, the one. The one who found Holly and then so many more women who would plant the seed, then teach me the way. I was looking around every corner, under every rug, between every crevice hoping to find a solution a giant struggle that mostly took place in my head. A silent battle that only I knew about. So, using my voice and my words to help others is my duty. It’s not like I always love doing this stuff. The TEDx talk almost took me down with nerves, fear, imposter syndrome, and the heavy weight of putting my story out there in under 7 minutes. I’ll pay it forward though, over and over again. I’ll put in the endless hours of work and stress with little to no repayment of any kind in hopes that I can be there for someone in need. As I’ve said before, if not for strangers on the internet, my life would be compteltely different. To think that I might still be drinking, fighting, battling with so much unnecessary struggle had it not been for a few stories that someone was vulnerable and willing to share. How did I get so lucky?!?!

Thank you for coming to my TEDx talk.

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4 Reasons Drinking Is Killing Your Financial Health

It was one of those rare occasions that my birthday fell on a Saturday night.  I was so excited to “go out” and had invited friends to meet me at the bar.  I was wearing a pair of Guess jeans that I had charged on my maxed out credit card.  Due to missed credit card payments and skyrocketed interest those jeans probably ended up costing me about $4,000.00.  Anyway, I felt cute and excited and a guy that I liked was going to be there.  

I desperately wanted to seem cool and relaxed but mostly I wanted that guy that I liked to think I was awesome. He had no interest in me but I thought I could change that by buying the whole bar a round.  Or at least, that what my drunk self thought.  I think I spent close to $500 on drinks that night.  This was more money than my rent at the time.

As a young drinker I made horrible financial decisions.  I was making very little money and when I was drinking what little financial hope that I had was overtaken by my desperate need to “be” fun.

As I aged, I stopped buying the whole bar shots and got a better hold on my financial situation. But even then, drinking was costing me.  A $36 bottle of wine with dinner, $8 IPA’s from swanky breweries, a $14 six pack of seasonal beers became the norm.  

Since I’ve stopped drinking I’ve saved thousands of dollars. It wasn’t just the drinks that were costing me money.  

Here are the four reasons that drinking killed my financial health.

1. Drunken Spending. It’s a fact that drinking lowers inhibitions. While I drank, chemical misfires were happening behind the scenes. Alcohol disrupted my norepinephrine and prefrontal cortex. These are the parts of the brain that affect impulse control and the decision making process. In other words, while impaired, I wasn’t thinking too much about my money problems. Instead, I was like “Let’s have another” and gave no f’s about the consequences. That doesn’t even include the cost of cover charges, cab rides, or a quick buzzed trip into the gas station to load up on $10 worth of things I thought I needed.

2. Alcohol is Expensive. Even when I matured and stopped buying the bar a round, drinking is was an added cost. Between drinks with the girls, that bottle of wine I bought every couple of nights, a few drinks on date night, and the Trader Joe’s wine sale, things got pricey. I was easily spending $100 a week on drinks.

3. Hangovers Cost. I woke up most mornings feeling bad about myself. In my younger drinking days, I would beg my girlfriends to meet for brunch and/or shopping so that I could take my mind off of the guilt and shame I had for getting too drunk the night before. When I was older, I would find myself buying expensive smoothies or exercise equipment in order to detox myself. When I felt bad about myself all of the time, I was spending money…. money to make me feel better, money to make me look better, money to distract myself from the real problems, and more.

4. Lack of Motivation. As a drinking person my capacity was so low. I could do my one job, take care of my kids, kind of clean my house and do other chores and that was it. I started drinking at 5p and from then until bedtime I was checked out. The thing I did was drink. As a sober person though, my capacity is endless. I don’t spend my nights drinking and my mornings recovering from drinking and so those hours can be filled with other things. Often times, those things are different streams of income. I have motivation to work and so I have lots of jobs (real estate, author, speaker, program developer, and more) and each of those put a little extra money in my pocket. Money that I would have previously spent on booze.

There are so many downsides to drinking.  The financial burden is just one more result that we’ve come to accept without question. Would we allow ourselves to buy three or four $8 desserts at dinner?  Would we spend $100 a week on shoes or clothes?  Would we donate $50 to a charitable organization each week? Would we let our kids buy $5 drinks every time we went somewhere?  I know I didn’t.  

When’s the last time you added up how much you spend on booze?

Want More Reasons To Stop Drinking?

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My Husband Stopped Drinking and Here’s What He’s Got To Say About It….

For the last (almost) 4 years I’ve walked around my house spouting off facts about alcohol and our bodies.  I talk about how it increases stress, causes cancer, numbs out good feelings, gives me a headache, and more.  I wasn’t sharing these facts hoping that my husband would one day decide that he no longer wanted to drink. In fact, at first I was relieved that he still drank so that our friends didn’t think we had joined a cult and they could no longer partake in drinking around us.

I mostly shared because every time I read an article or saw a new study I was so dumbfounded and angry about the facts of alcohol being minimized in the mainstream world.  It would be impossible to roll my eyes any bigger every time I heard about a mom drinking to reduce stress or about a “clean wine company” that has somehow convinced everyone that drinking ethanol is good for your health. It’s just something i’m passionate about and while at home, I share my passions openly.

But one day, I noticed that my husband wasn’t drinking as much.  I opened up the fridge and in replacement of heavy IPA’s and the latest microbrews there were Heiniken 0.0 and a few other alcohol free craft beers.  When I asked him about it he said that he was just “trying new things.” I didn’t push him because I never wanted him to think that I wanted him to join me on this AF life………..but I couldn’t help but get a little bit excited. 

Over the next few weeks I noticed that he was getting up earlier in the mornings, free to hang out well into the evenings, and overall looking really good. His cheeks lost their puff and that swollen area around his ribcage was now flat and sexy.  When I mentioned this he brushed it off and said he’d been working really hard at training. 

Instead of asking questions, I decided to just point out all of the awesome things about being sober.  

“Isn’t it so great that you aren’t waiting for anything anymore?” or 

“Isn’t it amazing how much more fun you can have now that you are no longer being ruled by the chemicals?” I pointed out one day. 

Before long, Drew was the one pointing out all the great things about being alcohol free.  He started noticing some major changes and I was dying to get his thoughts.  So, I asked him a few things and I am so exicted to share them!

Tell us about your previous drinking habits?

Well to be honest with you it depends.  I've gone through peaks and valleys during the last 20 years depending on what was going on.  When I was training for a running or biking event I didn't drink much.  But sometimes I was an aggressive social drinker?!?  Although if I'm honest with you, it seems like during parts of my life I felt like I was going for the "Drinking Hall of Fame".  I was never just a one drink kinda guy so I either drank or I didn't.  When I drank I liked to lean into one.  

So, how long has it been since you last drank and how are you feeling?

It's been 3-4 months.  I only say that it's not a specific day as I didn't drink for a while but then had a few beers in early-May.  I was on the fence going into that as to whether I wanted to keep drinking or not but after I didn't have a great experience it was an easy decision to not drink.  I was on the fence going into it as I was feeling so good...and after the first beer made me feel like shit I'm feeling stoked to not drink.  So, my experience wasn't that I got super fucked up and stopped drinking.  I just decided not to drink.....

Do you have a long term plan?

Yea, I'd really like to start a blog about being sober and probably write a book about it.  Just kidding. I don't have any plans on drinking again.  

How do you feel about the words sober?

I'm stoked on it.  I'm loud and proud about not drinking.  Drinking was a lot of things to me and was something I did for "fun" as a kid.  Like a lot of things in my life, I'm super proud to not be doing the same thing I was doing 20 years ago for "fun" now.  I mean, at one point I inhaled helium from balloons at a friends bar mitzvah at the age of 14 but realized pretty quickly that wasn't the best choice.  I'm also a vegetarian and have been for 20+ years.  Much like being a vegetarian, I don't really or solely label myself as sober and find my identity in that.   If someone else wants to talk about not drinking I'd be stoked to chat but if someone wants to eat meat or drink alcohol that's fine with me too.  I’d be happier to talk about riding bikes, listening to hip-hop, or investing in real estate.  

Have you had any cravings and what have you used to replace that?

I wouldn't say cravings but for the first month I was really hungry all the time and craved sugar.  I could have eaten two dinners an hour apart and still been hungry.  That helped me realize the number of calories I had probably been taking in.  A month or so ago, I started drinking NA beers.  They are pretty good and I’ve been working my way through them.  I used to think I loved the taste of beer but after one or two NA’s I can't imagine drinking another. This made me realize it was the alcohol that had really gotten a hold of me.  But, like anything that you are used to and comfortable with, change Is hard.  Just like leaving a bad relationship, switching jobs, or other changes in life it’s hard to switch it up but you end up super glad you did.

Do you see what I've been talking about?

I do give you a lot of credit although I think my message about not drinking is different.  It's that just because you can drink doesn't mean you have to.  When I went to college I was given a meal card and shortly afterwards realized that I could get a pizza, bag of Doritos, and mountain dew twice a day for my meals.  After a few weeks I gained the freshman 15.  I feel about drinking in the same way….just because you can drink doesn't mean you have to.  It's just not worth trading that 10 min of "perceived fun" for feeling like shit.  I could eat cheesecake for breakfast everyday but that doesn't make sense either.  

I give you ALL the credit for helping me realize I was being lied to about drinking.  And that's the part I'm pissed about.  I always have taken pride in figuring out when I’m being duped by big business and consumerism.  I’ve been tricked that drinking will help me relax, be more social, sophisticated, more prophetic, worldly, help me celebrate, help me deal with difficulty, and just be a part of my life but that's bullshit.  It’s a drug and one that, for some reason, I had to justify to myself not to use.

That being said, I’m super proud of how you’ve helped so many people with your message about living a sober lifestyle.  You’re basically the most famous person that lives on our street! 

What are your mornings like and how has your day to day routine changed?

My mornings are similar but there is no "edge". Not drinking makes it super easy to get  going in the mornings, feel more relaxed throughout the day, be patient with my kids and family, deal with life stresses, and have more fun.  Everything is really more fun  and easier at this point.  I really notice all of the things throughout the day and take them in instead of waiting until drinking to enjoy the day.  

What do you want others to know about this? Especially those in endurance athletics?

I learned a big lesson here when it came to drinking.  I thought that because I did a 4 hour bike ride or ate clean I could make progress towards my mediocre amateur endurance athletic pursuits.  But, now I understand that it's more about what you consume than what you aren't consuming.  Even if you eat low fat, organic, low carb, vegan, or whole food diet....if you're drinking alcohol it's hard to make improvements or move forward physically or mentally in life. 

Has this impacted your creativity/motivation regarding regarding work or other interests?

THIS is the part I could talk about for days.  When I was drinking I was just getting through it.  I mean, I was doing cool things and constantly trying to personally move forward, but there was a cost.  At this point EVERYTHING is easier and my bandwidth for stuff has really increased.  Drinking and all the things that go into it and come out of it are a huge time suck. Sobriety has created space, and I’m stoked on that.

I am so pumped for Drew and really for anyone who has gotten curious to explore something that is no longer working for them.  I hope this is the first of many posts to come about sobriety as a couple, parenting sober, and much much more.  

Want More Like This:

You can buy my book here. And listen to my TEDx talk here. I do most of my writing on Substack so you can follow me there for more posts like this.

If You’ve Never Taken A Vacation Without Booze Here’s Why You Should Try It...

It’s May, people are getting vaccinated, the sun is out, and traveling is on everyone’s mind. For many of us, taking a vacation has many layers. It’s a time to take a break from work, do something special with our kids, blow off steam, and reconnect with family or friends. But sometimes it feels like a desperate need to cram as much fun/rest as we possibly can into the very short and valuable time we are allotted.

In the past, drinking was the key component of vacation. The goal was to bring on the “highs” or to “amp” up the experience with some booze. My vacation days were usually spent doing something like having mimosas at breakfast, drinks on the beach, beers after the hike, wine with dinner, and a nightcap at whatever dive bar was near. To some, this might sound problematic. To me, it was “what I did” when it came to vacationing. Looking back now, having that many drinks in one day didn’t really amp up my experience at all. In fact, the mimosas made me feel tired, the drinks on the beach got me drunk, I wobbled my way through the hike, and I couldn’t really remember much after that. The next “vacation” day was spent lying in bed with the shades pulled wondering if there was a dagger sticking out of my head but being too hungover to get up and check.

The older I got and the more my responsibilities grew I would spend vacations trying to cram in as many drinks as possible while “living it up” before I had to return to my role as boring adult. Getting completely hammered seemed like the only logical way to spend my time in order to counteract the times that were usually spent worrying, fretting, and doing mundane adult things. I had long forgotten how to play, what hobbies I liked, and had no clue how to have fun without a little boost from alcohol. My entire adult life had been spent pairing things with drinking-drinking on the beach, drinking in the mountains, going to the winery, the brewery, the beer fest, the tasting, and whatever else (basically everything now) had “drinks” in the description.

When the vacation ended and I arrived back home I always felt like I had been hit by a bus rather than feeling refreshed and ready to start my life back again. That was not the goal that I set out to achieve.

When I first stopped drinking, I couldn’t fathom the idea of ever going on vacation without alcohol. What would we even do?!?! Now, approaching 4 years AF, I have learned that drinking isn’t the only vacation activity. I can eat a delicious breakfast served by someone else without having to do any dishes. I can hang out on the beach and since I don’t have to pee as much or sit next to my beer I can play with my kids, build sandcastles, and take a nap. I can go on a refreshing hike and notice the wildlife that we don’t have back home. I can eat dinner in new and interesting places and order dessert because I’m not too bloated. I can dance at the dive bar or choose to go home early because I feel fulfilled and tired. The kind of tired that you can only experience when you’ve engaged all of your senses and your body in new ways. I can wake up refreshed and have coffee and fruit in bed, or go on an early walk alone, or sit on the patio and breathe in new and fresh air without feeling even the slightest headache. And those are just the simple things.

I’m not saying that you should go AF or get sober before your next vacation. It’s just that most of us drink on vacation because we think it’s going to amp up our experience or enhance the great time we’re having. Science proves that the opposite actually happens. The chemicals in alcohol dull your senses, lead to memory loss, lower your inhibitions, and impair your judgment. If I said something like “here, take this magical vacation pill. It’s going to make you dehydrated, prohibit your memory, dull your experience, and give you the shakes” you would wholeheartedly deny right?

Many of us take adulthood way to serious. We pile on stressors, put ourselves in terrible work situations, and have chosen the “responsible” path instead of the “fun” path. We’ve forgotten how to play, how to be creative, how to live in the moment (or live at all really) and so we use booze to get us there-that place where we can let go of it all for a bit. We’ve conditioned our bodies and our minds that drinking will be the quickest and easiest path to relaxation. And quite honestly, drinking does give us that first hit of dopamine that our brains crave so much. But every subsequent drink after, we begin the numbing process. We numb out the feelings of stress and worry AND the feelings of joy and satisfaction from small things like sunsets and beach walks. This further reinforces our idea that we need a drink to have a good time. The process is exhausting. Sigh.

So much of why we drink has to do with the way that we think. The ads, the memes, and the constant talk about alcohol have altered the way we think about living. No matter how often I try to combat this notion in my posts, my book, and my classes, it’s really hard to combat that image that has been seared into our minds. When we think of fun, we think of drinking despite how unfun it is for so many of us. Most of us don’t post selfies of our hangovers even though many of us have returned home from vacation vowing to never drink again.

So, maybe this year, with everything we’ve been through, we can see what happens if you spend your very sacred vacation time taking care of your body, mind, and soul. Fill your time doing the things that you really set out to do instead of drinking your way through it. Maybe discover what happens when you rest and have fun without being chemically altered. Spoiler alert, it’s not what you think.

Hey Moms Listen Up

Moms, I hear you and I see you. I know you’re struggling. Your messages tell me you’ve never felt so stressed out. They tell me you’re anxious and depressed. They tell me you’re lost and you no longer remember who you were. They tell me you know that you drink too much but you don’t know what else to do. They tell me your kids are driving you crazy but they need you and you feel sorry for them. I get it.

I was once was the one private messaging a stranger from the internet telling her those very same things. I asked her if she knew of any resources or if she had any books or podcasts that I could listen to. I woke up with a lingering dread that stayed with me as my life seemed to be happening all around me. I was the one 100% positive that I wasn’t an alcoholic but I knew alcohol was contributing to all of the problems. But still, I wasn’t ready to give it up. Anything but that.

The news also tells me that you’re desperate. The stats of women and alcohol are terrifying. The increase in depression and anxiety is heartbreaking. The lack of support for women is appauling.. The demands are too high. Women have held the brunt of this virus, economic crisis, and school disaster all while caring for all of the little people in the world. Mostly alone, behind the closed doors of our private homes thinking we are the only ones who could feel this way. We think the change has to be all or nothing and the “all” is overwhelming and depressing so we opt for “nothing.” The comfort of the known feels so much easier in these crazy unpredictable times.

When I sat out on my journey over three ago I had no idea what was to come. I didn’t know that my shaky hands and suffocating anxiety would lead to me where I am today. I was sure that I would go back to drinking and that someday I would return to “normal.” I had no intentions of leading a forever sober life. I was clueless, not yet ready to receive the gifts, thinking that what I had was better than what I could have. I’m laughing right now that I believed that drinking would be better than not.

But I know you can’t see that. I know exactly what you’re thinking and where you are in your quest. I understand your desperation when you send me a message but I also know that one more thing might break you. I know that the thought of changing makes you sick to your stomach. I know you’re already sick to your stomach. The truth is it doesn’t have to be either (all or nothing) but just an open mind to exploration and curiosity.

I know you’re not an alcoholic. But did you know that in terms of cancer risk, drinking a bottle of wine is the equivalent of smoking ten cigarettes? Did you know that after only a few drinks the chemicals in alcohol alter your brains’ functioning making you think that alcohol is the greatest, most wonderful, and amazing thing. It’s why you can’t, in a billion years, imagine a life without it. You’re under the spell of the addictive chemicals trying to prime you for having “just one more.”

I just finished reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed. It is one of my new favorite books. It’s about a woman who hikes the Pacific Crest Trail alone for months and months. At the beginning of her hike she wrote “At which point, at long last, there was the actual doing it, quickly followed by the grim realization of what it meant to do it, followed by the decision to quit doing it because doing it was absurd and pointless and ridiculously difficult and far more than I expected doing it would be and I was profoundly unprepared to do it. And then there was the real live truly doing it.” It’s as if she wrote this about my journey to becoming alcohol-free because that’s precisely what it felt like. There was no amount of readiness or prepardness. There wasn’t a perfect sign or moment. I just started doing it and before long I was really really doing it and now I’m still doing it.

So Moms, what I’m saying is let’s choose our hard. Let’s be the ones in charge of the difficult triumph we are undertaking. Instead of taking what’s thrown at us and desperately trying to dim it down or lessen it by covering it up with alcohol (which we already know is really hard) let’s see what happens if we choose a hard “B.” The hard that means to stop drinking (or whatever destructive thing that’s bringing you down) and ask for the help and support you need. This will lead to that difficult conversation that you, in fact, can’t do it all. You can’t hold on anymore. You will need to jump off that tight rope you’re walking on and someone else will have to fill in. You’ll have to find a new, less satisfying (at first) coping skill that won’t leave you with a body full of cortisol because seriously why are we drinking stress?!?!?

I have the luxury of knowing the women on the other side. The women who celebrate day ten, year one, and year twenty. Their only regret is not quitting sooner as they find themselves falling to the ground and crying tears of gratitude. With all the shit women have to deal with, thank God, alcohol is no longer one of them. The hangover, the anxiety, the shame, the guilt, the thinking about drinking, all vanished and out of their lives as they fill that space with meaning, new friendships, lifelong projects, and contentment.

I’m not cured by any means. I have terrible days. I have mild depression. I have anxiety. I have stress. I have days that parenting seems monumental. But I also have the ability to manage. I can face it. I can handle it. I can do it, whatever it is, and that’s because of sobriety. I made room for healing, did the work, and I filled my drinking hours with real self-care so I finally have the tools. Don’t believe the lie that sobriety begs you to hear. The one that it’s filled with boredom, lack of living, no oompf. It’s a garbage misconception. One that you just won’t understand until you try it.

Here are some resources/supports:

Sober Mom Squad

Reva Recovery

The Luckiest Club

Join Tempest

Mental Health Lou

On The Mocks

Sober Mom Tribe

More Posts Like This:

Elizabeth Gilbert said this way better in Not This

Why Thinking About Quitting Drinking Is Miserable

Thinking about quitting drinking? I get it. I did too. Almost daily for a long time. I would think about quitting drinking, google whether or not I was an alcoholic, think about all the consequences that I thought would be associated with quitting, and then go right back to drinking-resigning to the fact that I was just not the “kind of person” that would live a sober lifestyle.

What I’ve learned from other sober people is that they kind of did the same thing. Change is hard (even harder if there’s a chemical involved making you think that you need it more than you do). While it’s a really good idea to consider the options and possibilities before making a big change, thinking about changing isn’t change. It’s just something we do that occupies space and buys us time.

Sometimes what we need is time. However the right time isn’t always what we think. For example, the best time to quit drinking doesn’t come along when all the bars are closed, there are no family obigations, and our calenders are cleared of all social events that might trigger us to drink for the rest of our lives. That sure would be nice (current events might make this a lot easier). Unfortunately though, if you’re thing is alcohol, you’ll likely never find a time when it’s not a factor. It’s everywhere.

The right time is often right now. The moment that we are again pondering or thinking about quitting drinking. In fact, the only regret I have about quitting drinking is not doing it sooner. Don’t we hear that a lot? People who’ve left marriages, changed jobs, lowered their cholesterol, ran a marathon, etc. usually say that they wish they’d done it sooner. They’ve discovered that the worries and fears holding them back were not what they thought. The positive outcomes of the change outweighed any negative consequences.

For me, I finally reached a point where thinking about quitting drinking was actually harder than just quitting drinking. Waking up trying to decide if it was the alcohol making me feel bad or if adulthood was, in fact, just that shitty was becoming exhausting. Worrying about ways to decrease my anxiety while having a hunch that alcohol might be contributing was making me uneasy. Wondering what life would be like alcohol-free was agonizing. Eventually, staying the same felt like it was no longer an option (even though I was in no way ready to change).

Discomfort and pain were the factors that led me to finally change. My pros/cons list was long gone. But why does is have to be that way? When did we start buying into the idea that we only change when things hit “rock bottom?” Why did I have to pile on more regrets, experience more anxiety, and more emotional suffering? Why weren’t the cons on my list enough-hangovers, increased anxiety, hating myself when I drank too much, embarrassing myself, etc.?

The one thing that I’ve learned from living alcohol-free is that I don’t know what I don’t know. I literally had no idea what it would be like to embrace an alcohol free lifestyle. I had never once in my life done that. Sure, there were times with no alcohol-pregnancy, cleanses, diets, illness, etc. but I always felt like drinking was a part of me. It was “what I did” and “who I was.” So no matter what I put down on those lists and how much time I spent thinking about what it would be like to not drink anymore, I really didn’t have a clue what I was talking about.

Thinking about quitting drinking is not quitting drinking. You can research, read, detail, and devise a plan. Maybe you plan to read a book or two, attend an AA meeting, only drink on Saturdays, drink wine instead of bourbon, only have drinks socially, only drink between the hours of 5-6, or when it’s fall, or at weddings. Maybe you want to watch that documentary first or listen to that podcast. Maybe you want to poll your friends or try to decide how every single person you’ve ever met in your life is going to feel about you once you stop. The reality is, you just won’t know what’s it’s like until you try. There’s a great quote out there (and I can’t remember who said it). It goes something like 100% of people who quit drinking all did this one thing. They quit drinking. It really is that simple. They just stopped opening the can or the bottle and putting it up to their lips and swallowing.

Start there and then work on figuring out the rest with the support that you need. For some people it might be rehabilitation, support groups, and lots of helpful resources. For me, it was unlearning, relearning, and trusting that, in time I would benefit. That my mind, body, and soul would reap the benefits of living a sober life.

Feel free to replace the word alcohol with that thing you’ve been agonizing about. What’s the thing that keeps you up at night or nags you everytime you do it? Maybe it used to be really fun and it served a great purpose so you think you should still hang on. Maybe it once brought you happiness and connection. But it’s just not doing that anymore and deep down you know that. Buuuuuutttttttt………change sucks and maybe you think that staying the same would be easier than changing. It’s usually not.

My suggestion is to go with something new. Since you already know what it’s like to drink-why not try making that pros/cons list as a more informed, diverse human who has had the experience as a drinker AND a non drinker? Once I did that my list changed A LOT:

PRO to Quitting: CONS to Quitting:

Alive N/A

5 Things That Helped Me Stop Drinking

Thinking of giving up alcohol? Trying Sober October? Today, I feel excited to share 5 things that helped me stop drinking!

1. Mindset. If I’m being honest, when I quit alcohol on September 17, 2017 it wasn’t my first attempt. I had tried to quit drinking on several occasions. I never really came out and said “I think I need to quit drinking.” Instead, I would hide it under some kind of diet or cleanse. I attempted to diet and eliminate alcohol as a form of punishment while white knuckling and hating every minute of it. Those attempts all failed and when the cleanse or diet was over, I wound up drinking more. This time, the time I’m sure will last forever, I felt tired. I was so over hating drinking, punishment, and trying to count how many drinks I was going to have. Thanks to Holly’s blog and This Naked Mind I was able to look at my alcohol use through a different lense. Instead of trying to decide if I was or wasn’t an alcoholic I decided to explore how alcohol was afffecting me emotionally and physically. Instead of setting out for a life of sobriety I just wondered what would happen if I didn’t drink right now. It wasn’t a punishment but a way of saying I’m sorry to my body and loving myself enough to try something new even though I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be. I think you already know, the outcome was amazing.

2. Confidence. It’s important to note here that I didn’t quit drinking because I had built up enough confidence to try it. Not at all. By the time I quit, I was exhausted, worn out, and tired of being hungover and tired. I was living (for the first time in my adult life) without the self medication that I used to dull my anxiety. Starting out was a shit show. But, every single time that I got through a moment that I wanted to drink, an event that I would usually drink at, or an experience that usually required me to have a glass in my hand-my confidence grew. It grew so much that I was eager to try it out more and more. It had been a long time since I’d felt confident and it was really good.

3. Essential Oils. Don’t stop reading. Here’s the thing, essential oils were the new thing that I did to take my mind off the old thing. I started concocting up blends to make my house smell good, making skin care products, and devising recipes for other things that I could make. In other words, I had a replacement behavior, something that I could do instead of drinking. Maybe your thing is scrapbooking, yoga, puzzling, learning to cook, etc. The point is, that if I tried to stop and didn’t add in any new things I would have been sitting around twiddling my thumbs thinking about how bored I was and how badly I wanted a drink. I also learned to play the ukulele which I find myself still turning to as a new form of happy hour.

4. Read Stories From Sober People. I read every word on Holly’s blog at least 5 times. In fact, I still read a lot of her old blogposts. They were very simple and I notice that everytime I’m faced with a question like “what should I do about this” she had written something about it. At first, since I wasn’t quite sure what to do-I just did what she did. I carried tea and baked goods with me everywhere I went, I read books that she read, I trusted her experience which gave me hope for mine, etc. Now, I know a lot more sober people and I love getting inspiration from them. It helps keep me on track and stay focused on my goals.

5. I Put Myself First. This one is probably the most important. I knew that no longer drinking was going to be awkward and strange socially speaking. Especially since I’d never really done anything socially without alcohol. I finally decided that short term awkwardness for the sake of healing my mental health was worth it. I didn’t allow myself to worry what others would think and instead I started focusing solely on what I thought. I knew I needed to change my drinking habits. I couldn’t continue to drink just so my friends wouldn’t be put off or so that my husband and I wouldn’t have to change the location of our date night. Overall, my friends and family were very supportive. I’m so glad that I chose me! As a result, I’ve been a better wife, mother, and friend.

I’ve never looked back. Within the first few months I noticed a significant improvement in everything from my skin to my mental health. I still experience anxiety and I have plenty of bad days. But today, it’s because I’m human and not due to some self imposed chemically induced stress. If you want to know more about things that helped me stop drinking check out this and this.

Want to hear more about my path to becoming alcohol free? Listen here on An Open Book Podcast.

I’m Not Judging Your Drinking

I write a blog about living alcohol-free (and anxiety, and parenthood, and whatever else I feel like writing about) and almost every single person I know drinks. Things can get awkward. If there was a doormat that said, “Welcome-I swear I’m NOT judging your drinking!” I would put it at the front of entrance to my life. I’m really just not thinking about it.

What I am thinking about is our cultural beliefs around alcohol, systems that perpetuate alcohol use, the role alcohol plays in this country, specific people who have reached out to me for help, why people believe that non-drinkers are thinking about their drinking, and lots and lots of other things (some useful, some not). But if you’re sitting here next to me, I will barely notice if what you’re holding is a stiff ass drink, a bubbly water, a delicious IPA, or a Big Red. I just don’t care that much. Sorry.

I also don’t want your drink. Not in the least. Even if it’s one of my favorite IPA’s from the best brewery in town, a mimosa, a cocktail, a light lager, a glass of red wine, or a Big Red, I don’t want it. Not on a Saturday night, not on a boat, not at happy hour, not at a club, not at a brewery, not at a fancy dinner, not at a bridal shower, not in a house with a mouse, you get the point.

Just recently, we were sitting around talking with friends. Drew, my husband, was explaining his vegetarianism that has lasted for over 20 years. He always hated the taste and texture of meat and when he became old enough to not have to eat what was presented to him, he stopped eating it. Never does he ever want meat. He doesn’t salivate at the thought of steak,. He doesn’t try to recreate meat-like dishes with veggie foods (like tempeh stroganoff). He doesn’t sit around feeling sad as he bites into the food that he likes while everyone else eats the food that they like. He’s NEVER thinking about eating meat. That’s how I feel about alcohol.

Interestingly, though, I have trouble making this clear. I have a great friend who doesn’t drink. I assumed that when I was around her (as a drinker) she was both counting my drinks while also wishing that she could have some. I stupidly believed that there was an underlying desperation for those that “had” to stop drinking. In fact, it was this very belief that kept me from exploring sobriety sooner. I thought I was the lucky one that could still wake up feeling like shit, experience hangxiety, and continuously battle with how many drinks I would have while those poor soles who “couldn’t” drink were fresh, clear, and grounded in what decisions were best for them.

This whole concept is one of the very reasons that I write this blog. I want to openly address so much of the stigma and break down the idea that all non-drinkers are like the scenes from movies that we’ve seen-one drink away from falling off the wagon. Some are, for sure (probably because alcohol is the most addictive drug on the market-more so than the well-known opiates we have no problem recognizing). But not everyone, and not me. Each day I get further away from my old drinking self. I get further away from the memories with me with a drink in my hand, me with slanty eyes, and me dragging people around for just one more. I’ve almost forgotten what wine pairs with what cheese and what beer even tastes like. These days I pine for nachos, dark chocolate, books, writing, deep connection, time in nature, music (preferably live-please stop being here pandemic), cold brew morning coffee with a sunrise, and other things. Not alcohol. Not once. Not ever. I’m just not thinking about it anymore.

I’m not free from judgement. I judge just as much as the next person. I’m working on this. I’m working on how judgement creeps in when I least expect it. Sometimes I judge complete strangers regarding things I really know nothing about and things that are absolutely none of my business. I’m learning that those judgments are actually my insecurities screaming to be healed, to be resolved, or things that I’ve left unattended. In other words, the ongoing work I need to do. Drinking is no longer one of those things. My decision to stop drinking is one that I am most proud of and one that I never ever question.

So the next time you’re around me or someone else who no longer drinks, it’s okay to do you (unless it’s someone you know is struggling, and in that case be a good supportive friend). If you’re not sure, just ask. If you want to know more, just ask. You might find that the answer is very different from what you think. I learned that the reason I thought sober people were counting my drinks was because I was paranoid about the amount of drinks I was having, hence the need to explore how many drinks I was having. Turns out, I was the one judging my drinking.

You’ve Recently Stopped Drinking, Here’s What You Need To Know

Making the decision to take a break from alcohol is HUGE.  Depending on your relationship with alcohol you’re probably somewhere on the spectrum of Oh Shit What Do I Do With Myself? to maybe feeling relieved.  Regardless, making a big change like not drinking takes some effort and probably leaves you wondering when you’ll start to heal. When I first stopped drinking there were three burning questions that I wanted to know.

When will I feel better?  This was my number one question.  The Type A, planner, and control freak in me needed to know how long the agony, discomfort, and insecurity would last.  I needed to know what I was in for. I craved the exact date from the time that I took my last sip that I would feel confident, energized, and of course happy.  I was pissed that no articles on the internet clarified for me how many weeks, days, and hours it would take for me to be “cured.”

This process is different for every single person.  There is no certain amount of days or weeks. In actuality, there was no “day” that I felt healed, cured, changed, transformed, and all of the other fancy words that I was sure would describe my experience.  In fact, I’m still working on that part. However, each day that I don’t drink is a day further away from the life I no longer want and toward the one that I’m growing now. Instead of experiencing this one big massive moment when I felt cured, I experienced small wins, tiny steps, and milestones that I celebrated (and still celebrate) with joy.

When will I lose weight, my skin starts to glow, and I gain all the amazing benefits that everyone talks about?  Early on my journey, I found this infographic with timelines of what happens when you stop drinking.  It said things like Week three, the alcohol is finally detoxed from your body. Week 6 you’ll feel less bloated. Week 8 a magic unicorn will arrive at your door and take you on a ride through pink clouds. Not exactly, but you get the point. I saved this to my desktop, my phone, and I even printed it out so I could look at it over and over.  While it was meant to be used as a guide, I needed it to be true so that I could feel validated that I made all the right decision.

My skin did improve.  My anxiety stopped being the sole focus of my life.  The cloud lifted.  I had more energy.  All of the promises came true but they didn’t exactly happen in the order of the little info sheet from an online resource.  They happened in a timeline that was specific to me and my body.  It’s also important to note that when I stopped drinking I interrupted the damage.  I was no longer using a carcinogen. I stopped disrupting my hormones.  I stopped increasing the chances for severe addiction. I stopped feeling hungover. And, so much more.  So, while I may not have had glowing skin at day 17, I could feel good about knowing that I had stopped damaging myself and that my body was recovering every single minute that I wasn’t drinking. 

When will I never think about drinking again?  Every sober person I admire hinted at the fact that I would one day stop thinking about alcohol.  Holly, Laura, Annie Grace, Carly, Gabby, and there were others all assured me that alcohol would one day take a backseat.  I can promise you that I never think about alcohol (unless of course, it is for the sake of this blog).  I don’t salivate when people drink around me.  I don’t wish I could have just one.  I don’t feel like I’m missing out.  I don’t notice what’s on tap.  I don’t think about how at 5’oclock I won’t be able to have wine or beer or happy hour.  I am free from the chains completely.  In fact, it’s my most favorite part about being sober-never having to f’ing think about it again!  

I don’t know the exact timeline for when this happened but it took a while for sure.  Alcohol is everywhere.  It’s at the bars, restaurants, and parties obviously.  But it’s also at yoga, work meetings, pools, school functions, church gatherings, farmers’ markets, Target, and most homes in the US. So, it’s not like an out of sight out of mind situation.  It’s NEVER out of sight.  It takes time to see first the role that alcohol plays in our lives, then the clarity of why/how you may have gotten to a point where alcohol was no longer working, and then time to tune it out.  I replaced thinking about alcohol with thinking about writing, reading, nature, coffee, essential oils, yummy recipes, helping, running, connecting, playing the ukulele, and so much more. That was a big important part.

The point is that you’re doing it! If you’ve stopped drinking you’ve already done the biggest step. Every single moment from here on out will get better and things in your life will become more clear. It will take time and the more effort you put toward your new life alcohol-free, the less you’ll wish for your old one. The gifts will show up when you least expect them. I’m approaching 3 years of living sober and it honestly keeps getting better. Laura McKowen writes First: Impossible, Then: Difficult, Then: Strange, Then: Normal, Then: Wouldn’t have it any other way. This the best timeline I’ve ever seen.

A Summer Without Alcohol

Summer is my jam. I’m most at peace when the weather is hot, a swimsuit and coverup is my most worn outfit, and outside is covered in bright green. After many months of the gray, wet, and cold I can’t wait for the hot sun to start shining down. I like the hours of endless light and one of my favorite things is wake up early, step out onto the porch, watch the sunrise, and drink my morning coffee without layers of blankets.

Well, that’s my favorite thing to do now. It wasn’t always this way.

Summer used to signify drinking season. Water, sun, and drinks went hand in hand. Drinks by the pool, drinks on the patio, drinks on the boat, and drinking by the campfire. This is the season where day drinking is totally acceptable and spending the weekends mostly buzzed is considered pure bliss. I loved nothing more than turning on some summer tunes (Kenny Chesney, Jimmy Buffett, Zach Brown Band, and even Van Morrison) and letting the stress and anxiety of all the other seasons slip away. The hot hot heat and humidity only made me more thirsty.

Cold white wine, grapefruity IPA’s, and in my last couple months of drinking-gin, water, and lime made for the perfect refresher in my sweaty Yeti. It’s no surprise that my sobriety came at the end of summer, a long season of drinking.

This is my third summer being alcohol free. As I write this we’ve just been cleared to see people and it’s Memorial Day weekend. It seems like a good time to celebrate, toast, and be filled with joy. But, this summer, I won’t be trying to amp up my joy with alcohol.

Alcohol is a tricky thing. Once you start drinking it your body produces a whole bunch of extra feel good chemicals. Then your brain is like, wow this is so great. And, for a bit, it is great. But everything that happens after that sucks. Once your brain realizes that it was too much of those great chemicals it tries to regulate by taking them all away which causes stress and adrenaline. Your brain gets pissed! It’s like, No Wait, I want more of the good feelings, so it starts to dim all of the other good things making it so that you feel like you need to have alcohol to enjoy things. After a certain point, you kind of do.

That’s why I thought, in order to enjoy summer, I needed a cold drink in my hand. My brain tricked me into believing that things weren’t as fun if I wasn’t drinking. Now that the alcohol is long gone and my brain and body have healed I realize that it was never the drinking that made summer epic. It’s wasn’t listening to Jimmy Buffett with a margarita in hand that made things good, it was listening to Jimmy Buffet. It wasn’t drinking by the pool with friends, it was being with friends at a pool. It wasn’t boating and drinking, it was boating, the water, the views, and the sun. Now that I’m so far removed it’s kind of like saying that I needed to be holding a chicken leg in order to have a good time. Sounds silly right?

Today, I woke up early and had coffee on the porch with my husband. I took my time, listened to the birds, and noticed things. I noticed how much I love iced coffee and how I can drink it slow because I don’t need it to wake me up or stave off a hangover. I went for a run and listened to some epic music. I didn’t have to punish myself for too many drinks or smell beer coming from my pores. I meditated outside while sweating and let the sun beat down on my body. I made cinnamon toast and eggs for breakfast and my hands weren’t shaking with a queasy stomach. I didn’t spend a single second wondering what I said yesterday or about what I need to pack in the cooler for the boat later today. If I don’t pack a single thing I’ll still have a good time.

This summer will be simple. It will be covered in sunscreen, sun, and sweat and not a bit of regret. I feel so happy to not have to ever feel hungover again and to never have to try to regulate what I’m drinking. After so many years of drinking, then thinking about my drinking, there’s nothing more freeing than being rid of the whole thing. I used to feel sorry for people who “couldn’t drink.” In my days of confusion, I thought I was the one living. Now I realize that I couldn’t have been more wrong.

This Is Not The Time To Drink.

Fear is a tricky emotion.  One thing I think we could all agree on is that fear feels terrible.  No one wants to feel it and so we spend enormous amounts of time, money, resources, and efforts trying to avoid it at all costs.

We think we have control and that if we push it away, escape, and pretend it’s not there that it will stay far away in the distance.  We don’t connect that its fear that wakes us up in the middle of the night, makes us physically sick at times, and causes all kinds of other bothersome behaviors that we wish we didn’t do.

But fear is unavoidable.  We all have it.  It’s part of being a human.  It’s actually a survival skill that started as a way to protect us from being chased by a bear or eaten by a tiger.  When we feel it our body jumps into protection mode and sends our brains a big surge of chemicals that tell us “Oh shit, something bad is happening so I either need to fight this off or flee.”

How does a fight or flight response help us when the world is facing a historical pandemic?  Good question. For starters, we can’t physically fight off having the flu.  There is no jab, punch, or karate kick that could make this thing go away.  So, instead of fighting with a physical sensation we use our next most powerful tool, our words.

We use our words to yell, scream, and to project all of our fear.  And since the coronavirus can’t really listen, we displace our anger onto other people. This looks like people writing mean things on Facebook or Instagram.  First, it’s targeted toward the government, then onto doctors, then onto other countries who “started it.”  Then, it’s onto people who are trying to be prepared.

High fear means highly agitated so we will also ooze this onto our family and friends.  We might feel edgy and find ourselves snapping at our kids for no reason or rolling our eyes when our scared neighbor tells us she stocked up on toilet paper.   

Next, for those of us (like me) who prefer to flee when you see a bear coming.  You might respond by trying to escape.  Since we cannot literally run away from the Coronavirus then we are likely to find ways to numb.  Drinking, overeating, scrolling away on Instagram, shopping online for things that have nothing to do with the current situation, and making fun of the virus altogether.  

All of these methods might feel good in the moment but they are short-lived and will come back with a vengeance if used long term.  Drinking too much and eating foods that have no nutritional value will weaken your immune systems making you more susceptible to illness.  

One more shitty thing about fear is that it often triggers more fear.  Have some unresolved childhood trauma?  Experienced a crisis in the past?  Unresolved loss?  You can bet, anytime more fear comes up you may feel triggered again.  This is confusing and can lead to a whole host of emotional turmoil.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have experienced a lot of these feelings.  When I first heard about Coronavirus I rejected it as being an issue and believed that alarmists were trying to scare me into thinking something bad was happening.  As the closings, cancellations, and people I trusted started to respond I began to feel nervous and noticed my anxiety rising and some anger coming up.  Then, last night I ate an entire portion of chips and queso by myself while scrolling through IG with my heart pounding and palms sweating.  I started to cry when I heard the news of school cancellations.  When I thought about the economical impact that this will have and the children left home alone with no lunch I felt sick from the food I ate and spent most of the night awake with a stomachache.

So, I woke up early to write this up as a reminder that it’s ok if you’re scared.  It’s ok to not know what is happening and to feel lost.  It’s ok if you experienced fear and then projected it out in all the wrong ways.  It’s ok to forgive people who don’t know how to deal with their own fear.  

But the one thing I know for sure is that the only way out is through.  No amount of rejection, avoidance, numbing, or projection is going to solve this.  You will have to feel your fear. You will not spontaneously combust like you think you will.  You will not implode.  

You may need to ask for help.  You will need to lean on your loved ones (from a safe distance of course).  You may need some amped-up therapy sessions.  But now is the time to take care of your body and your soul.  Putting your mental and physical health first is actually the one thing that you can control.

If you’ve derailed as I have then let’s get back on track.  Love is the best defense against fear.  Let’s make our bodies our priority by drinking lots of water, eating nourishing foods, limiting social media, and getting enough sleep.  Let’s share love with others by offering compassion and acceptance that we are all at different stages in our processing. And let’s love on those who need us most by being socially responsible and accepting that, while we may not be directly affected by this virus, we can reduce the impact for those who are.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and information, get that right here.

Can Alcohol Have A Paleo Moment?

Recently, I’ve been going over some statistics related to alcohol.  It’s stated that 65 million Americans report binge drinking but only 15 million Americans are clinically diagnosed with Alcohol Use Disorder. That means that almost half of the drinking population report that they have issues with over drinking.  Now, I’m no mathematician, but these numbers seem like they could use some attention.

As I reflect on my drunken days I would easily “binge drink” (defined by more than 4 drinks for a 2 hour period) at least twice (sometimes more) every week.  I also blew those stats to pieces while in college and in my early 20’s when I would drink for hours on end.  

Interestingly,  no one ever considered me to be a problem drinker.  Not the bartenders who  served me as I slurred to get another.  Not my doctor when I gained 30 pounds and told her I was depressed.  Not the same City Scoot driver who picked me up several times a week from a bar to take me home.  Not the waiter at the brewery as he watched me walk out with my babies in tow.  

No one.  

That is until I questioned my relatioship with alcohol.  When I stopped drinking, people considered me to have a drinking problem.  That was the line in the sand that separated my drinking (the drunk kind that has to stop) from other people’s drinking (the kind that can do all of the things stated above without any question).  

One of my favorite teachers, Holly, writes in her new book Quit Like A Woman

“We read labels.  We shun gluten, dairy, processed foods, and refined sugars.  We buy organic.  We use natural sunscreens and beauty products.  We worry about fluoride in our water, smog in our air, hydrogenated oils in our food, and we debate whether plastic bottles are safe to drink from.  We replace toxic cleaning products with Mrs. Meyer’s and homemade vinegar concoctions.  We do yoga, we run, we SoulCylcle and Fitbit, we go paleo, and keto, we juice, we cleanse……”

She goes on to talk about all of the other insane things we do in the name of health but then at the end of the day top it all off with drinks.  

I’m fascinated that when a person who juices, runs, eats kale, meditates, and drinks 4 or more IPA’s a night questions their relationship with alcohol that people are stunned.  Society immediately deems them as an “alcoholic” and thinks that they must go straight to AA or Rehab.  

I’m frustrated that I’m the one getting the side eye when I order a tonic and lime (no alcohol) from the person next to me who asks the waiter if the bread is gluten free and if they have vegan cheese to go on the cheesy bread appetizer.  It’s like my decision is based on shameful behavior and theirs is based on health.

But of course, there’s an unspoken understanding that the vegan could always go back to cheese without having to face life threatening consequences (unlike the “drunk”). While this may be true for some, it’s just not that cut and dry.

This black and white thinking is harmful.  People should be questioning their relationship with alcohol no matter where they lie on the spectrum.  It’s ok for us to explore, learn, and wonder why we want to drink.  It’s ok for us to openly ask questions about why we want another beer in the same way we would ask ourselves if we should go for that 5th slice of pizza.  

Alcohol needs to go onto the list of things we care about. We need to create awareness, if not for ourselves, then for the 65 million Americans who report binge drinking.   If we only think of people with problem drinking as alcoholics then we are leaving out nearly half of all drinkers who could potentially benefit from knowing the effects that alcohol has on their body.  Do you see the problem with that?

It’s the reason that I thought I needed more medication, more green smoothies, harder runs, and more discipline with my diet when, actually, I just needed to cut back on drinks.  It’s the reason I spent hours learning about coconut oil swishing, natural herbs to add to my juice, and yoga poses for anxiety. Since I wasn’t an “alcoholic” (according the online test I took), I assumed it couldn’t possibly be the alcohol.

I’ve heard some of the most preposterous things since becoming AF. People have asked me if I fear that my kids “will get it” or if I drank “in the closet.”  I’ve been told “I’m relieved” when someone finds out that I drank more than them while others have said “I’ve spilled more than you’ve ever drank” as if I’m not worthy enough of living alcohol free.

People have suggested that I’m not doing sober right because I didn’t go to AA (which I honestly had no idea was even a thing-but it’s a big thing). Lots of people have had a strong reaction to me not drinking and I can’t help but wonder if they feel this strongly about someone who has gone Paleo?

I get it, until I became sober I held alcohol on a pedastal and let it be free from scrutiny.  I deemed it a problem for only “those people.”  But now I want alcohol in the mix.  If we have no issues having open debates about drinking from plastic, whether or not we should vaccinate our children, and an ongoing dialogue on use of corn syrup, stevia, or agave then we can question alcohol without being shunned by society.

I’m not suggesting we all stop drinking. I’m just here to remind everyone that you can’t catch alcoholism by thinking about it.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and information, get that right here.

Why Do Moms Drink So Much?

If you’ve been alive and awake for 30 seconds then it’s likely you’ve encountered some kind of message regarding mothers and drinking.  Maybe it was a funny facebook post that said Mommy’s Sippy Cup.  Maybe it was a commercial or movie of moms drinking to take the edge off.  Maybe it was an ad for that coloring book that says My Kids Are The Reason I Drink.  Maybe you walked through any store, gas station, cafe, or gym and saw one of the “hilarious” t-shirts that says They whine, I wine.

Sadly, none of these “ads” are from alcohol companies.  Alcohol companies have no need to advertise drinking to moms because, just like everything else we take care of, we’ve done it for them.  These ads are from one mother to another rationalizing our behavior and begging each other for support. 

That’s how hard it is to be a mom.

Today’s parenting is an impossible task.  Mothers have more skills, resources, and information than ever before.  We now have the ability to work and take care of our children.  We’re empowered to follow our dreams and to make change.  We’re finally being given positions of power and we are inching our way toward equality. We’re given the right and responsibility to raise strong women and forward thinking men.  We’re free from so many of the chains and setbacks of the women before us.  

But because of all of these great changes, the expectations are high.  Now that we know better, we feel like our children need perfectly prepared organic meals on BPA free plastic plates.  They need piano lessons, gymnastics, compassion class, karate, and a healthy bedtime on nice clean sheets.  They need structure, free play, limited screen time, and the ability to share and be kind. 

They need all of our love and to be given a “teaching moment” for every single conflict they encounter.  They need us to be present, for the love of God, and to not respond to any of our own needs until they are out of our sight, adjusted, and content.

They need us to be in charge of every single detail from packing their snack to making sure they have their homework to washing their uniforms. Oh, and let’s not forget to make sure our marriage is thriving because a stable home is crucial to development. Finally, they need us to be happy (because no child deserves to grow up with a mom who isn’t happy) so self care is vital.

It’s literally not doable! However, as women, it feels like we should try.  So we do, and then we fail, and then we drink (or just make jokes about drinking) because escaping feels like one of our only options.

Sigh.

We’re living in dangerous territory right now. Alcohol consumption among women is at it’s height.  According to an article written on WebMD:

• Female alcohol use disorder in the United States increased by 83.7% between 2002 and 2013, according to a 2017 study sponsored by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA).

• High-risk drinking, defined as more than three drinks in a day or seven in a week for women, is on the rise among women by about 58%, according to a 2017 study comparing habits from 2001-2002 and 2012-2013.

• A 2018 study found a steep rise in the rate of alcohol-related ER visits between 2006 and 2014, and increases were larger for women than men.

• Death from liver cirrhosis rose in women from 2000 to 2013.

(By the way did you see the part about “high risk drinking” being defined as more than seven drinks per week.  Seven isn’t very much when you have moms night out on Tuesday, drinks with dinner on Friday, and a few beers at the game on Sat.)

Moms-hear me now.  We can parent our children without making jokes about the use of a deadly substance!  Instead of promoting alcohol let’s promote mental health care!  Let’s make shirts about dad’s carrying some of the weight.  Let’s share funny memes about how we are not superheroes and no longer want to be considered such.  Let’s stop laughing because it’s not at all funny!

It’s not the wine that bothers me the most.  Women are standing up for their rights, asserting power, taking back control, and having a voice now more than ever before.  But at the end of the day we dilute it all with a joke about how we couldn’t do it without our drinks.  Bullshit! 

I get it.  I’ve been there. I have a deep knowing of the struggles of motherhood inside my bones.  But instead of reaching out with a silly joke to cover up the desperation, let’s be vulnerable.  Instead of judging each other, let’s work together.  Let’s come out from behind what those shirts really mean and tell the truth that this is hard and we need society to stop dumping all the blame and responsibility onto moms.  

The time has come to throw alcohol into the bucket of things that are holding women back. We can’t make women’s health a priority while clinking our glasses over funny jokes about how we can’t handle life without drinking. Our culture is in a state of crisis when it comes to addiction and I can’t help but wonder if we have something to do with this. We’re perpetuating the idea of using a dangerous chemical to live life and then laughing about how cute and funny it is?

Let’s change the narrative by making a simple change in what we say about drinking. Getting drunk while parenting is not funny and our kids deserve to know that.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and informaation, get that right here.

Why My Story To Sobriety Doesn’t Involve AA (and what it does involve)....

Everyone’s story to sobriety is different.  Some people got there because of severe, life threatening consequences.  Some people got there after watching a family member suffer.  Some people got there because of a medical diagnosis or a change in lifestyle.  And some people (me) got there by accident.

For the months leading up to my last drink I knew things weren’t going well.  My anxiety was at an all time high and I felt pretty awful.  My hangovers were lasting longer and the symptoms were getting worse but I wasn’t exactly sure that I was going to stop drinking.  I knew something needed to change, but what?

I was like most people and believed that something needed to “happen” in order for me to stop drinking. I didn’t really know anyone who just stopped drinking because it was no longer serving them. My false beliefs were firm so my mind was set that in order to stop drinking I must be an alcoholic. I googled daily in search for something, anything that would set me on the right path.

What is an alcoholic?

How many drinks per week do you have to be an alcoholic?

What is the criteria for AA?

AA meetings nearby?

Treatment for anxiety and alcohol?

AA for women?

Women who are alcoholics?

Alcoholics who are high functioning?

Alcoholics who don’t think they are alcoholics?

People who drink too much but who aren’t alcoholics?

People who would like to stop drinking?

Celebrities that don’t drink?

Mormons.

How to become a mormon?

Other religions that don’t drink?

I mean the list was insane, long, and led me nowhere.  When I read the criteria for alcoholics I just didn’t fit in.  No, I hadn’t lost my job.  No, no one has told me I have a drinking problem.  No, I have never stolen anything.  No, I haven’t put myself or my children in danger.  No, I don’t have a history of DUI or any kind of crime. No, I don’t secretly hide my drinking.  None of the criteria described me.

It was maddening.  I actually wanted the diagnosis.  I prayed that one of those searches would list of the problems I was having.  Alcoholism is a medical diagnosis.  It is fixable.  There are programs.  There is help.  Please, just someone tell me that yes, I am an alcoholic.

Or was I lying to myself? Was I telling myself that since I wasn’t an “alcoholic” I didn’t have to stop doing the thing that I loved? Was I hoping that a quick fix would come up? Was I using the label as protection?

The magic eight ball says, decidedly so.

So I didn’t go to AA.  I didn’t feel like I belonged.  I didn’t feel “alcoholic enough” and I definitely bought into the stereotype of who I thought would be there.  I believed that I couldn’t just show up with my skinny jeans, fresh highlights, and my anxiety amongst people with “real problems.”  What would they think of me?

I was in denial.  I had real problems and drinking was definitely one of them.  AA could have given me the support that I needed. I was wrong about the people there and I already know (from years as a therapist) that there is nothing is more powerful at making and sustaining change than accountability, ongoing support, and encouragement from those who have gone before you.

We are a society that is great at treating your problems but not so great at helping you before your problems become problems. In other words, if you have an obvious mental breakdown or get close to an overdose you can easily find people who are telling their story or offering up suggestions for help. But if you are somewhere between someone who is “doing great” and someone who “drinks a little too much and has a lot of anxiety afterward” good luck. Wellness services are just harder to come by, more difficult to find, and complicated to pay for.

But here’s the thing-we make things complicated. We get hyper focused on a diagnosis, label, a name. Then we filter through our memories to find descriptions that fit those labels. And when they don’t match or add up we feel stuck. Those images, memories, and stereotypes aren’t always true. They are the blockbuster version of problems and they hold us back. We have to let go of what we think an alcoholic looks like, or what depression looks like, or what anxiety looks like so we can stop hiding behind the label.

I finally decided to give up on the stereotype and learn more. I held my own “meetings” in my room with my books and with my online people that I didn’t have to talk to or interact with.  I read and read and read and I learned about the effects of alcohol.  I learned that alcohol is a poisonous chemical that is meant to be addictive. 

I learned that alcohol has a significant impact on mental wellness and makes depression and anxiety worse.  I learned that I couldn’t put a bunch of healthy practices in place to manage my anxiety and still drink and expect for things to get better.  The chemicals would undo everything.

And, finally, I learned the most important thing of all. Drinking somehow became the main focus on my life. I woke up with a mild hangover and by noon I was looking forward to “happy hour.” And with all of that going on there just wasn’t much time for anything else. No time for reading, growing, writing, dreaming, meeting goals, no time for anything. It’s impossible to fully experience life if you’re just buying time until the next time you can escape.

“You Can’t Selectively Numb Emotions. When you Numb the Dark You Numb the Light.”-Breńe Brown

If you’re searching for the “criteria” or the answer to what’s “wrong with you” and you’re not finding it just don’t give up. Ditch the ideas that you have around how you should be responding to your life and instead focus on how you are actually responding to your life. Then open your mind and show up wherever you think you don’t belong. You might be surprised at who will open the door to help you.

And when you’re feeling better don’t forget to turn around and tell your story. We need to hear the stories of people who ended up in darkness without some big plot or twist to the story. We need those stories of people who had it pretty good but ended up depressed or anxious or addicted or struggling anyway. Your story matters and someone out there needs to hear it.

5 Unexpected Things I’ve learned Since I Stopped Drinking

I am quickly approaching being alcohol free for 2 years.  As an anxious, type A person, who loves control, all I thought about for those first few weeks was what it would be like to be sober for one week, one month, six months, a year, etc.  I just wanted to fast forward.  There is nothing I HATE more than being a beginner.  

What would I feel like? Could I keep this up?  How much would I change? Would my friends still accept me?  When will I stop thinking about drinking?  When will I feel more confident?

I have no idea what the big rush was and I am happy to report that I am now much more focused on the journey than the destination.  Everyday I am learning and sometimes I am shocked to find out things that I never connected to my drinking. Those limiting thoughts, jaded ideas about alcohol, and self doubt still creep up. But, now I understand them and I no longer accept them as my truth. 

Here are some things that I had no idea would happen.

1. I’ll start with the bad news-I don’t always feel great. I know, bummer right? I felt pretty bad most days leading up to the point when I finally decided to stop drinking. When I wasn’t actually hungover my anxiety would ensure that there was no feeling good about anything. I was tired all the time and I laid in bed a lot.

   All of those things are gone, buuuutttttt, I’m not magically filled with endless energy, enormous amounts of bliss, and in a state of sunshine and rainbows all the time. I still have bad days. I still get tired (but I don’t lay in bed all day). I still have low level anxiety (well, low level for me, probably extremely high for some). And, I still have frustration, anger, sadness, and all the other emotions that come along with being human.

2. HOWEVER, I don’t wallow in that place like I used to.  When my mind and body were overrun with chemicals there was no escape.  There was no getting out of those thought loops.  There was no perspective.  None.  I put out a TON of negative energy and therefore attracted a ton of negative energy back.

   I have learned that being tired is just that….tired.  I have learned that being a little anxious is just that…..a feeling I am having in the moment and not a state of life to live in.  I have learned that I am frustrated because things are sometimes frustrating ….not because it’s the end of the world.  No emotion is too big now.

3. I have an I CAN mindset.  I lived in a world of I can’t.  I am still in Colorado as I write this and I have had numerous flashbacks of my last visit here when I was drinking.  I got so drunk the night before our early morning flight and I suffered for the next 3 days.  We stopped at Whole Foods to get lunch on our way out of town and I literally couldn’t get out of the car.  It wasn’t because of my headache or nausea but I was paralyzed.  Was it fear? Was it paranoia? Was it exhaustion?  I don’t know but I literally could not make my legs walk. I said my favorite words “I can’t.”  I sat in the car while my family went in and had lunch.

   I never say those words now.  I CAN.  If I can stop drinking I can do anything and there is nothing more amazing that having my confidence back.  I’m empowered to take massive action over my life.  

   4.  That feeling leaves me with this constant edge of momentum.  I am filled with a desire to grow.  I can’t wait to read more, do more, experience more, and the list goes on.  Having been so incredibly wrong about alcohol, addiction, and my own drinking habits has left me with the desire to find out what else I was wrong about.  Seriously, I love finding out that I was wrong about something.  It’s so freeing to discover that the thoughts I was holding onto were all in my head.

   5.  I am way less judgmental.  I worry myself sick that people will mis read my posts as this preachy and almighty speech about how you should stop drinking too.  NO!!!  It’s actually the opposite.  It’s my public apology to myself and to the world about all of those limiting beliefs, judgements, and disconnection I had from people in the name of “having fun.”  Through this process I have learned to love.  I had to start with myself and once I had that covered I now have love for you too.  We are all in this together.  We are all trying to figure out our place, our purpose.  

   6. Ok, I know I said 5 but there’s just one more that I think has been the BEST part. I have made new friends. At my age and this stage in life I didn’t really think that i would be making new friends. I have met some of the best people (and strengthened friendships that were once just acquaintances) and I feel so grateful! I once thought that by no longer drinking I would lose all of my friends. It’s actually been quite the opposite.

I tried so hard to control the outcome of this whole thing. I read and re read every single word searching endlessly for someone to tell me exactly what I would feel like on day 17 at 4p, or the first time I was offered a drink, or after a stressful day. I thought if I just predicted enough, learned enough, and thought about it enough I would be able to “arrive.” I can honestly say that I am so happy I am not yet “there.” I mean, these are the days.

It takes a lot of courage to be bad at something new but I promise you it is so so worth it. Where will you begin?

How to have a fun AF Date Night

Let’s talk about Dating + Drinking. I wish I could write a blog post about how easy dating was while I was alcohol free. I really wish I could tell you how simple things were, that there was no drama, and all of my dating decisions were made under a perfectly clear mind. But I can’t.

Before becoming AF, date night was…..well, complicated. It always involved alcohol. Either a bottle of wine with dinner, a trip to one of our favorite micro breweries, and sometimes followed by a night cap at one of our hidden hole in the wall bars.

There were times it felt forced. Like-it’s Valentine’s Day, we got this babysitter, and even though we’re tired and have had a rough day let’s put on some nice clothes and go out. Other times it felt exciting. Like-we haven’t been out in so long let’s try to pack in as much “fun” as we possibly can.

In either of those scenarios the date usually resulted in me drinking too much. This always led to me arguing about something that had nothing to do with our relationship (like I wanted to stay and dance longer and Drew wanted to leave). And often times, the night ended with me crying or storming out-followed by a morning of apologizing, embarrassment, and regret. Fun times.

Brene Brown has taught me that you can’t selectively numb. So, when I tried to numb away the feelings of stress or irritability from the day I also numbed away joy and happiness. Or, when I tried to beef up the happiness and excitement because I was feeling so void of it, I ended up numbing it away all together.

Luckily those days are behind me and I have more fun on dates now than ever. But, we’ve had to make some adjustments to not fall into the trap of feeling the need to drink.

Day Dates. I love love love our day dates. We both love coffee shops, tiny brunch places that we really can’t take the kids, and/or going to a movie during the day. It’s even better if it’s on one of those beautiful days and we can soak up the sun! When we are out during the day there is less pressure to drink and there is also less of a feeling of “missing out” because I’m not faced with seeing everyone else drinking. (Side note-it’s a lot easier to find a babysitter on a Sat. morning than on a Sat. night.)

Dinner at Home. I love to cook but I rarely have time to try a new recipe. When we have the opportunity to send the kids to their grandparents for the night there is nothing more fun than cooking together in the kitchen. We can make up some of our favorite mocktails, listen to music, and just have one of those slow paced dinners that just doesn’t always happen on a busy weeknight.

Adventure. I’m not gonna lie, I hate adventure. Actually, I don’t hate it-it’s just that I am super anxious about doing anything unknown. I like to control things and make unnecessary judgements about what it’s going to be like (zero fun). But Drew is all about it. He loves the outdoors, trying new things, and more. So, I try to "go with the flow" (even if that means I have sweaty hands and an elevated heart rate). This could be going on a long drive to see where it takes us, hiking, riding bikes, a new place to eat, etc. We have so much fun when we do this and I find myself looking forward to the next time we can do it again.

Travel. I know that it’s probably not feasible to just pick up and travel any time. However, having things to look forward to and going somewhere new is a great way to have fun. Experiencing new things is an epic way to leave those old expectations behind and forget about wanting to drink. Getting away is easy if we make the intention and plan (which can also be really fun).

Mindset. I have completely changed my mindset (thanks to a lot of personal development) and it’s made all the difference. I no longer think that dating and being drunk go hand in hand. I know that I can have fun in all kinds of way if I am open to new things, different settings, and change of pace.

I have to remind myself that the idea of a glass of wine in my hand in a fancy dark restaurant was the thing that appealed to me. In actuality the restaurant was dark- but I was slurring my speech, picking fights, and feeling irritable. We never looked like the “ad" that I was referring to and I am so glad that those days are behind me.

***In full disclosure, I was drunk in this picture (as if you didn’t already know that). I had just smarted off at the waitress in this really nice restaurant for giving us a “crappy" seat. It took me a week to heal from the emotional hangover (if you have had one you know and if you haven’t you’re lucky).****