Six Lessons I've Learned in Six Years Sobriety

It’s been six years since I stopped drinking. A lot has changed. I have a middle schooler. I’ve moved. I’ve made new friends. I’ve changed jobs, again and again. I’ve lost friends. I’ve healed. I’ve declined. I’ve experienced immense joy and immense stress. Covid. The list goes on. The one thing that hasn’t changed is that I still don’t drink.

Here are six things that I’ve learned:

1. Community matters. I stopped drinking by reading books. My “community” was made up of sober women who had gone before me. They wrote about it. They wrote so much about it that I could curl up in bed and feel like I was talking to my best friend (even though we had never met). I still get a lot of support from those sober women! I still read their books, I still listen to their podcasts, I still lean on them when I’m feeling stressed. But an instagram friend or a stranger with a blog is no replacement for real life sober people who care about you and love you.

   After Covid, I started a local sober women’s group. At the time, I thought I was doing it as a service to them. You know, helping people rethink their relationship with alcohol. The truth is, I get more from the group than I give. We meet for coffee, we go out to dinner together, we go to fun events together, we text with each other, and we support each other through hard life things (death of loved ones, sick kids, sober vacations, family stress, and more).

   They too, are exhausted with the mindless acceptance of alcohol dependence and the constant drinking comments. They too, roll their eyes when the server shoves the drink menu at us even after we say “no thank you.” They too, know the awkwardness of meeting someone new and having to “come out” that you don’t drink. There’s an unspoken understanding and support and it feels so good to be seen (IRL).

2. Never Having a Hangover is Epic. I’m not getting any younger. There are days when I wake up and my neck is stiff, I didn’t sleep well, perimenopause or PMDD are putting me over the edge, I have a stuffy nose, I’m achey all over, or I just don’t feel right. Even in sobriety some days are hard. I’m so thankful that I don’t also have a hangover.

   Hangovers are bullshit. I really can’t believe that there was a time when I thought they were worth it. My mental and physical health are a priority. How I take care of myself and show up for myself are the two things that I can control in this unpredictable life. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I finally got that figured out. I will never again forsake my health for a few hours of misunderstood and perceived “fun.”

3. Alcohol is Becoming More Deadly. 1 in 10 adults will die an alcohol related death. Since Covid, that number is rising. I’m currently working on an exciting project where I’m teaching teens to identify the role that media plays in their decision making around alcohol. It’s no surprise that shows, commercials, memes, ads, songs, and more persuade young people to drink alcohol. Drinking is both normalized and celebrated despite the fact that it’s more deadly than heroine. Studies show that the earlier a person drinks the more likely they are to become addicted and therefore get sick from an alcohol related illness (think everything from cancer to alcoholism). Yet, we are still STILL consuming massive amounts of alcohol with zero effort in getting companies to add warning labels to the bottles.

   I love to use the term informed consent. When I was getting drunk and caring for my young children I was not informed that alcohol could cause me to have cancer or that it was increasing my debilitating anxiety. That wasn’t a lack of research on my part. It was a lack of evidence, research, and information which brings me to my next point.

4. Alcohol is a Scam! (Is it starting to sound like I’m becoming more heated? Because I am becoming more heated). I just did a quick google search and here are some ads that I discovered: Weekends Are For Bourbon, Endless Opportunties (and a pic of Bud Light), You Saw Your Girlfriend on Tinder (and a pic of a high ABV beer), Absolut Pride (picture of rainbow vodka bottle), Reach for Greatness (Guiness bottle), I’ll just stop there. When I ask people or research why people drink they tell me to have more fun, to reduce stress, to connect, to make friends.

   Do we really believe that? Or, did the ads tell us that? I go into major detail of this in both of my workshops so I’ll spare all of it here. But, we are being duped! Alcohol does not make weekends. It does not induce gay pride. It does not reduce stress (like not at all-this is the biggest lie of all). It does not make us great.

5. When We Are Numb We Are Useless. I lived in a numb state for many years. Actually, I wavered in between numb and anxious. In those two states I was a shell of a human. I didn’t know what I wanted, what I needed, what my family needed, what my community needed. Sure, I tried things out, but nothing really ever stuck. I just couldn’t progress or move forward in any way. I was stuck. As long as I was drinking no healing could take place. My body just didn’t have the capacity. Without removing the alcohol I wasn’t going to be able to clear on what I needed to do.

   Sure, I still have plenty of issues without alcohol in my life….but it’s manageable. Drinking disrupts every natural system in body. So when you consume alcohol your organs go to work to detox your body from what it perceives as poison. That means everything from my liver to my brain were focused on the alcohol in my system. They couldn’t do their very imperative jobs. No diet, medication, skill, or strategy was able to be successful because the alcohol in my system would always take first priority. And, it takes weeks if not months, for alcohol to completely clear itself from your body. So, even when I took a few days off, I didn’t stand a chance of making sustainable change toward the life that I wanted.

6. Alcohol is Dying (in some spaces). While alcohol is still very deadly and causing major issues for women and children specifically, in some cases, it’s losing it’s popularity. Everyday there is more information about how harmful alcohol can be to our bodies. Finally, it’s not just about addiction. Major influeners like Andrew Huberman, Rich Roll, Breńe Brown, and Jack Harlow are talking about the side effects of alcohol aside from addiction. Some Tik Tok videos, podcasts, music videos, and other media (while still not mainstream) are at least making an effort to bring this into the light. This new article is highlighting how other countries are viewing alcohol and giving it the warning labels and clear guidelines that it deserves. I hope that before long, we will feel about drinking like we feel about smoking. Everyone will know it’s not good for us. Doctors will suggest that we stop (instead of start like a nurse once told me), therapists will make it part of their regular assessment with people with depression and anxiety, medication labels will say “do not use if you are consuming alcohol,” breast cancer galas will stop auctioning off bottles of bourbon (one of the very things that can cause breast cancer).

   People will absoutely still drink. It is their right to do so. Just like people still smoke (I was one of those people for a long time). But, they will do so with informed consent. They will make the choice fully knowing the outcomes that it can cause. They can choose to ignore because they will be educated and informed not duped and gas lighted like we are now. The day is coming and I’m just hoping it gets here sooner rather than later.

More Like This:

Five Years Alcohol Free…..

Alive AF-One Anxious Mom’s Journey To Becoming Alcohol Free

Is Alcohol Really Helping Us Cope-Samantha Perkins TEDx Talk

Who Am I Without Alcohol?

Are you one of those people who is always trying to figure out why you are the way you are? 

I am. 

But I haven’t always been that way. 

When I removed alcohol from my life in 2018, everything changed. 

I changed. 

Back when I drank, alcohol decided my actions. After the first sip, the rest was uncertain. I never knew what was going to happen when I drank. This presented many negative consequences and put me in more questionable situations than I can count. But I did it anyway. Each time hoping that nothing bad would happen, yet also knowing that I’d “deal with it” if it did. My drinking was always more important than the potential negatives it could bring. For years this is how I went through life.

I was a binge drinker from the start. When I began drinking in high school it was harmless. Yes, I found myself in bad situations back then, but young people make mistakes, right? Making mistakes is the only way to learn. Unfortunately for me, it took another 16 years before I figured it out. Throughout my years as a young adult, I put partying at the top of my to-do list. Because of this, I never learned who I was. I spent no time trying to figure myself out. Heavy drinking caused me to lose the ability to control anything around me. It caused me to lose control of myself. Control is a skill that I am still learning how to master. And maybe I never will. Maybe we’re not supposed to master any life skills. What if we're only supposed to be at least average at what we think is perfection?

Once I accepted that alcohol was to blame for many of my mistakes, I was able to start moving forward. Learning about who I am without alcohol gives me comfort when shameful thoughts about my past come to the surface.

I crave to be in control, and I know that I’m not alone. Many other ex-drinkers I’ve talked to seem to have similar issues with control. It’s funny, isn’t it? For so long we think we're in control of our drinking. Yet we’re ingesting a substance that by nature causes us to lose all control. 

Alcohol does a great job of doing what it’s intended to do. We use it to relax, or to let loose after a long day. And for a while, it works. If Alcohol was on staff at a major corporation it’d be a recipient of the employee of the month award. 

Alcohol – FIVE STARS! Would drink again!

You get my point. 

Now, let’s skip to the good part... 

After I went alcohol-free, I became in full control of my thoughts, my feelings, and my body. This was a new feeling for me. I had no idea this part was coming. For me, removing alcohol was like uncovering a new layer of myself that I didn’t know existed. 

I know it sounds silly, but at age 32 I started to grow up. I’m so thankful for that. So many people go through their entire lives not knowing who they are. They spend their days doing things they think they need to do. Many people aspire to have someone else’s life. The grass always seems a bit greener on the other side. For so long this was how I moved through life. I was surviving. 

Now that I don’t drink, I’m thriving. 

I am much more aware of the things happening around me and of myself. This newfound self-awareness is great in most situations. Many times I find myself irritated about the way something happened or didn’t happen. I get upset when things don’t go as I thought they would. But, I am in control. I’m the one calling the shots for my life, and that’s powerful.

Sometimes I wonder, If I’m in full control of myself, then why am I always striving to be in control? 

I don’t have an answer for that, but I’m working on it.

And what’s great is that I don’t have to have an answer. 

Quitting drinking doesn’t fix everything. But it does allow me to start working on the things that need fixing, and for that – I’m thankful.

Blair is an alcohol-free wife and mom from Minnesota. She works full-time outside of the home, and also does freelance writing. She is a writer for Rochester Mom, a parenting resource in her city. She is also a contributor for The Sober Curator. She's a tall introverted homebody who loves cheese and watching reality television. You can find her creating content on Instagram, on Facebook, and on her website.

Blair Sharp

Writer

4 Reasons Drinking Is Killing Your Financial Health

It was one of those rare occasions that my birthday fell on a Saturday night.  I was so excited to “go out” and had invited friends to meet me at the bar.  I was wearing a pair of Guess jeans that I had charged on my maxed out credit card.  Due to missed credit card payments and skyrocketed interest those jeans probably ended up costing me about $4,000.00.  Anyway, I felt cute and excited and a guy that I liked was going to be there.  

I desperately wanted to seem cool and relaxed but mostly I wanted that guy that I liked to think I was awesome. He had no interest in me but I thought I could change that by buying the whole bar a round.  Or at least, that what my drunk self thought.  I think I spent close to $500 on drinks that night.  This was more money than my rent at the time.

As a young drinker I made horrible financial decisions.  I was making very little money and when I was drinking what little financial hope that I had was overtaken by my desperate need to “be” fun.

As I aged, I stopped buying the whole bar shots and got a better hold on my financial situation. But even then, drinking was costing me.  A $36 bottle of wine with dinner, $8 IPA’s from swanky breweries, a $14 six pack of seasonal beers became the norm.  

Since I’ve stopped drinking I’ve saved thousands of dollars. It wasn’t just the drinks that were costing me money.  

Here are the four reasons that drinking killed my financial health.

1. Drunken Spending. It’s a fact that drinking lowers inhibitions. While I drank, chemical misfires were happening behind the scenes. Alcohol disrupted my norepinephrine and prefrontal cortex. These are the parts of the brain that affect impulse control and the decision making process. In other words, while impaired, I wasn’t thinking too much about my money problems. Instead, I was like “Let’s have another” and gave no f’s about the consequences. That doesn’t even include the cost of cover charges, cab rides, or a quick buzzed trip into the gas station to load up on $10 worth of things I thought I needed.

2. Alcohol is Expensive. Even when I matured and stopped buying the bar a round, drinking is was an added cost. Between drinks with the girls, that bottle of wine I bought every couple of nights, a few drinks on date night, and the Trader Joe’s wine sale, things got pricey. I was easily spending $100 a week on drinks.

3. Hangovers Cost. I woke up most mornings feeling bad about myself. In my younger drinking days, I would beg my girlfriends to meet for brunch and/or shopping so that I could take my mind off of the guilt and shame I had for getting too drunk the night before. When I was older, I would find myself buying expensive smoothies or exercise equipment in order to detox myself. When I felt bad about myself all of the time, I was spending money…. money to make me feel better, money to make me look better, money to distract myself from the real problems, and more.

4. Lack of Motivation. As a drinking person my capacity was so low. I could do my one job, take care of my kids, kind of clean my house and do other chores and that was it. I started drinking at 5p and from then until bedtime I was checked out. The thing I did was drink. As a sober person though, my capacity is endless. I don’t spend my nights drinking and my mornings recovering from drinking and so those hours can be filled with other things. Often times, those things are different streams of income. I have motivation to work and so I have lots of jobs (real estate, author, speaker, program developer, and more) and each of those put a little extra money in my pocket. Money that I would have previously spent on booze.

There are so many downsides to drinking.  The financial burden is just one more result that we’ve come to accept without question. Would we allow ourselves to buy three or four $8 desserts at dinner?  Would we spend $100 a week on shoes or clothes?  Would we donate $50 to a charitable organization each week? Would we let our kids buy $5 drinks every time we went somewhere?  I know I didn’t.  

When’s the last time you added up how much you spend on booze?

Want More Reasons To Stop Drinking?

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My Husband Stopped Drinking and Here’s What He’s Got To Say About It….

For the last (almost) 4 years I’ve walked around my house spouting off facts about alcohol and our bodies.  I talk about how it increases stress, causes cancer, numbs out good feelings, gives me a headache, and more.  I wasn’t sharing these facts hoping that my husband would one day decide that he no longer wanted to drink. In fact, at first I was relieved that he still drank so that our friends didn’t think we had joined a cult and they could no longer partake in drinking around us.

I mostly shared because every time I read an article or saw a new study I was so dumbfounded and angry about the facts of alcohol being minimized in the mainstream world.  It would be impossible to roll my eyes any bigger every time I heard about a mom drinking to reduce stress or about a “clean wine company” that has somehow convinced everyone that drinking ethanol is good for your health. It’s just something i’m passionate about and while at home, I share my passions openly.

But one day, I noticed that my husband wasn’t drinking as much.  I opened up the fridge and in replacement of heavy IPA’s and the latest microbrews there were Heiniken 0.0 and a few other alcohol free craft beers.  When I asked him about it he said that he was just “trying new things.” I didn’t push him because I never wanted him to think that I wanted him to join me on this AF life………..but I couldn’t help but get a little bit excited. 

Over the next few weeks I noticed that he was getting up earlier in the mornings, free to hang out well into the evenings, and overall looking really good. His cheeks lost their puff and that swollen area around his ribcage was now flat and sexy.  When I mentioned this he brushed it off and said he’d been working really hard at training. 

Instead of asking questions, I decided to just point out all of the awesome things about being sober.  

“Isn’t it so great that you aren’t waiting for anything anymore?” or 

“Isn’t it amazing how much more fun you can have now that you are no longer being ruled by the chemicals?” I pointed out one day. 

Before long, Drew was the one pointing out all the great things about being alcohol free.  He started noticing some major changes and I was dying to get his thoughts.  So, I asked him a few things and I am so exicted to share them!

Tell us about your previous drinking habits?

Well to be honest with you it depends.  I've gone through peaks and valleys during the last 20 years depending on what was going on.  When I was training for a running or biking event I didn't drink much.  But sometimes I was an aggressive social drinker?!?  Although if I'm honest with you, it seems like during parts of my life I felt like I was going for the "Drinking Hall of Fame".  I was never just a one drink kinda guy so I either drank or I didn't.  When I drank I liked to lean into one.  

So, how long has it been since you last drank and how are you feeling?

It's been 3-4 months.  I only say that it's not a specific day as I didn't drink for a while but then had a few beers in early-May.  I was on the fence going into that as to whether I wanted to keep drinking or not but after I didn't have a great experience it was an easy decision to not drink.  I was on the fence going into it as I was feeling so good...and after the first beer made me feel like shit I'm feeling stoked to not drink.  So, my experience wasn't that I got super fucked up and stopped drinking.  I just decided not to drink.....

Do you have a long term plan?

Yea, I'd really like to start a blog about being sober and probably write a book about it.  Just kidding. I don't have any plans on drinking again.  

How do you feel about the words sober?

I'm stoked on it.  I'm loud and proud about not drinking.  Drinking was a lot of things to me and was something I did for "fun" as a kid.  Like a lot of things in my life, I'm super proud to not be doing the same thing I was doing 20 years ago for "fun" now.  I mean, at one point I inhaled helium from balloons at a friends bar mitzvah at the age of 14 but realized pretty quickly that wasn't the best choice.  I'm also a vegetarian and have been for 20+ years.  Much like being a vegetarian, I don't really or solely label myself as sober and find my identity in that.   If someone else wants to talk about not drinking I'd be stoked to chat but if someone wants to eat meat or drink alcohol that's fine with me too.  I’d be happier to talk about riding bikes, listening to hip-hop, or investing in real estate.  

Have you had any cravings and what have you used to replace that?

I wouldn't say cravings but for the first month I was really hungry all the time and craved sugar.  I could have eaten two dinners an hour apart and still been hungry.  That helped me realize the number of calories I had probably been taking in.  A month or so ago, I started drinking NA beers.  They are pretty good and I’ve been working my way through them.  I used to think I loved the taste of beer but after one or two NA’s I can't imagine drinking another. This made me realize it was the alcohol that had really gotten a hold of me.  But, like anything that you are used to and comfortable with, change Is hard.  Just like leaving a bad relationship, switching jobs, or other changes in life it’s hard to switch it up but you end up super glad you did.

Do you see what I've been talking about?

I do give you a lot of credit although I think my message about not drinking is different.  It's that just because you can drink doesn't mean you have to.  When I went to college I was given a meal card and shortly afterwards realized that I could get a pizza, bag of Doritos, and mountain dew twice a day for my meals.  After a few weeks I gained the freshman 15.  I feel about drinking in the same way….just because you can drink doesn't mean you have to.  It's just not worth trading that 10 min of "perceived fun" for feeling like shit.  I could eat cheesecake for breakfast everyday but that doesn't make sense either.  

I give you ALL the credit for helping me realize I was being lied to about drinking.  And that's the part I'm pissed about.  I always have taken pride in figuring out when I’m being duped by big business and consumerism.  I’ve been tricked that drinking will help me relax, be more social, sophisticated, more prophetic, worldly, help me celebrate, help me deal with difficulty, and just be a part of my life but that's bullshit.  It’s a drug and one that, for some reason, I had to justify to myself not to use.

That being said, I’m super proud of how you’ve helped so many people with your message about living a sober lifestyle.  You’re basically the most famous person that lives on our street! 

What are your mornings like and how has your day to day routine changed?

My mornings are similar but there is no "edge". Not drinking makes it super easy to get  going in the mornings, feel more relaxed throughout the day, be patient with my kids and family, deal with life stresses, and have more fun.  Everything is really more fun  and easier at this point.  I really notice all of the things throughout the day and take them in instead of waiting until drinking to enjoy the day.  

What do you want others to know about this? Especially those in endurance athletics?

I learned a big lesson here when it came to drinking.  I thought that because I did a 4 hour bike ride or ate clean I could make progress towards my mediocre amateur endurance athletic pursuits.  But, now I understand that it's more about what you consume than what you aren't consuming.  Even if you eat low fat, organic, low carb, vegan, or whole food diet....if you're drinking alcohol it's hard to make improvements or move forward physically or mentally in life. 

Has this impacted your creativity/motivation regarding regarding work or other interests?

THIS is the part I could talk about for days.  When I was drinking I was just getting through it.  I mean, I was doing cool things and constantly trying to personally move forward, but there was a cost.  At this point EVERYTHING is easier and my bandwidth for stuff has really increased.  Drinking and all the things that go into it and come out of it are a huge time suck. Sobriety has created space, and I’m stoked on that.

I am so pumped for Drew and really for anyone who has gotten curious to explore something that is no longer working for them.  I hope this is the first of many posts to come about sobriety as a couple, parenting sober, and much much more.  

Want More Like This:

You can buy my book here. And listen to my TEDx talk here. I do most of my writing on Substack so you can follow me there for more posts like this.

If You’ve Never Taken A Vacation Without Booze Here’s Why You Should Try It...

It’s May, people are getting vaccinated, the sun is out, and traveling is on everyone’s mind. For many of us, taking a vacation has many layers. It’s a time to take a break from work, do something special with our kids, blow off steam, and reconnect with family or friends. But sometimes it feels like a desperate need to cram as much fun/rest as we possibly can into the very short and valuable time we are allotted.

In the past, drinking was the key component of vacation. The goal was to bring on the “highs” or to “amp” up the experience with some booze. My vacation days were usually spent doing something like having mimosas at breakfast, drinks on the beach, beers after the hike, wine with dinner, and a nightcap at whatever dive bar was near. To some, this might sound problematic. To me, it was “what I did” when it came to vacationing. Looking back now, having that many drinks in one day didn’t really amp up my experience at all. In fact, the mimosas made me feel tired, the drinks on the beach got me drunk, I wobbled my way through the hike, and I couldn’t really remember much after that. The next “vacation” day was spent lying in bed with the shades pulled wondering if there was a dagger sticking out of my head but being too hungover to get up and check.

The older I got and the more my responsibilities grew I would spend vacations trying to cram in as many drinks as possible while “living it up” before I had to return to my role as boring adult. Getting completely hammered seemed like the only logical way to spend my time in order to counteract the times that were usually spent worrying, fretting, and doing mundane adult things. I had long forgotten how to play, what hobbies I liked, and had no clue how to have fun without a little boost from alcohol. My entire adult life had been spent pairing things with drinking-drinking on the beach, drinking in the mountains, going to the winery, the brewery, the beer fest, the tasting, and whatever else (basically everything now) had “drinks” in the description.

When the vacation ended and I arrived back home I always felt like I had been hit by a bus rather than feeling refreshed and ready to start my life back again. That was not the goal that I set out to achieve.

When I first stopped drinking, I couldn’t fathom the idea of ever going on vacation without alcohol. What would we even do?!?! Now, approaching 4 years AF, I have learned that drinking isn’t the only vacation activity. I can eat a delicious breakfast served by someone else without having to do any dishes. I can hang out on the beach and since I don’t have to pee as much or sit next to my beer I can play with my kids, build sandcastles, and take a nap. I can go on a refreshing hike and notice the wildlife that we don’t have back home. I can eat dinner in new and interesting places and order dessert because I’m not too bloated. I can dance at the dive bar or choose to go home early because I feel fulfilled and tired. The kind of tired that you can only experience when you’ve engaged all of your senses and your body in new ways. I can wake up refreshed and have coffee and fruit in bed, or go on an early walk alone, or sit on the patio and breathe in new and fresh air without feeling even the slightest headache. And those are just the simple things.

I’m not saying that you should go AF or get sober before your next vacation. It’s just that most of us drink on vacation because we think it’s going to amp up our experience or enhance the great time we’re having. Science proves that the opposite actually happens. The chemicals in alcohol dull your senses, lead to memory loss, lower your inhibitions, and impair your judgment. If I said something like “here, take this magical vacation pill. It’s going to make you dehydrated, prohibit your memory, dull your experience, and give you the shakes” you would wholeheartedly deny right?

Many of us take adulthood way to serious. We pile on stressors, put ourselves in terrible work situations, and have chosen the “responsible” path instead of the “fun” path. We’ve forgotten how to play, how to be creative, how to live in the moment (or live at all really) and so we use booze to get us there-that place where we can let go of it all for a bit. We’ve conditioned our bodies and our minds that drinking will be the quickest and easiest path to relaxation. And quite honestly, drinking does give us that first hit of dopamine that our brains crave so much. But every subsequent drink after, we begin the numbing process. We numb out the feelings of stress and worry AND the feelings of joy and satisfaction from small things like sunsets and beach walks. This further reinforces our idea that we need a drink to have a good time. The process is exhausting. Sigh.

So much of why we drink has to do with the way that we think. The ads, the memes, and the constant talk about alcohol have altered the way we think about living. No matter how often I try to combat this notion in my posts, my book, and my classes, it’s really hard to combat that image that has been seared into our minds. When we think of fun, we think of drinking despite how unfun it is for so many of us. Most of us don’t post selfies of our hangovers even though many of us have returned home from vacation vowing to never drink again.

So, maybe this year, with everything we’ve been through, we can see what happens if you spend your very sacred vacation time taking care of your body, mind, and soul. Fill your time doing the things that you really set out to do instead of drinking your way through it. Maybe discover what happens when you rest and have fun without being chemically altered. Spoiler alert, it’s not what you think.

40 AF

Today is my 40th birthday. When I was young, my parents owned a balloon shop. When people turned 40 their friends and family members would buy a bunch of black balloons to decorate their yard. They would stick signs in the grass that said “Over the Hill” and “Lordy Lordy Look Who’s Forty.” I thought that the people at the receiving end of these balloons and signs were old. It made perfect sense that they were, in fact, over the hill.

But today, as I sit here looking in my yard (which luckily is not covered in black balloons) “Over the Hill” means something entirely different. Maybe it never meant what I thought. Maybe it wasn’t a metaphor for “past one’s prime” or that life is half over. Maybe, instead, it meant exactly what it says. You are actually over the f’ing hill.

No more struggling up this giant mountain carrying a load of baggage on my back. No longer pulling and pushing with all my might to try to be the person that the world is asking of me. No more difficult steps upward while peering at the top wondering if I’ll ever make it or what it’s like to be there. No more worrying that it’s too far to go back and too far to move forward.

There have been many hills to climb for me these past few years. The getting sober hill. The anxiety hill. The living life and parenting two young children in the middle of a pandemic hill. The writing a book hill. With each climb, I held a false promise that once I got to the top I would be good, happy, resolved, or at ease. But what I learned is that the top of these hills was only the beginning. I didn’t get to ride out the rest of my days rolling down the grass of green pastures. Instead, I only built up more muscles and strength for the next big climb.

My twenty-year-old self walked around at the bottom of the hill. I didn’t think I’d ever have to really do the climb. I kept putting things off, avoiding it, and trying to find other ways to live that wouldn’t be as strenuous and difficult. I didn’t think about my older self and put no effort into making things easier for her. I wore her lungs down with smoking and her skin down with sun tan oil. I spent all of her money buying strangers shots at the bar and put no effort into her education. I made a million mistakes. Some that I can see in my aging fine lines and gray hair. I figured by the time I was 40, it wouldn’t matter anyway, I would be old.

To some, maybe I am old. My kids think I’m old. Their babysitters probably think I’m really really old. The 20 something girl at my favorite coffee shop thinks I’m old. Who orders decaf because they’ve already “had too much?” Old people. I’m okay with that.

To others, 40 seems insanely young. My lack of experience and life knowledge might make this post sound as if it’s written by a toddler. I’ve got so many more hills to climb, lessons to learn, skills to gain before I can even think that I’ve in some way earned the right to put down my pack and start heading downward. I don’t know how to do my taxes and I literally had to watch a youtube video to learn how to properly load my dishwasher. I still cry when someone is mad at me.

Regardless of what others might think, today I feel like I’m being given a rite of passage to be over the hill. I’ve been fortunate enough to make it this long (which I don’t take for granted). I’ve learned a few lessons the hard way. I’ve given up trying to find ways to get around the hill and have leaned into walking up it. I take nice long breaks when I need them and I wander off a lot. I still look for shortcuts and I get lost all of the time. Maybe from here on out it won’t seem so steep. Just a nice ascending path with tiny bumps and crevices to get over. Nothing will seem as monumental as it did when I was so young and inexperienced. I’ve got the right equipment and tools now. I know myself better. I understand my limits and my strengths. Maybe I can even enjoy myself a bit along the way.

I’m proud to be 40. Happy even, to be standing on the top looking back down at what I’ve climbed so far. Living life takes guts. Fully leaning into all of the hard things there are in this world and choosing to go on anyway is something worth celebrating.

Still want to read my book? Get it here.

Want to be a writer? Check out my latest podcast here.

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10 Journal Prompts For Early Sobriety

I’ve Been Alcohol Free For Three Years and Here’s What’s Shocked Me The Most

Hey Moms Listen Up

Moms, I hear you and I see you. I know you’re struggling. Your messages tell me you’ve never felt so stressed out. They tell me you’re anxious and depressed. They tell me you’re lost and you no longer remember who you were. They tell me you know that you drink too much but you don’t know what else to do. They tell me your kids are driving you crazy but they need you and you feel sorry for them. I get it.

I was once was the one private messaging a stranger from the internet telling her those very same things. I asked her if she knew of any resources or if she had any books or podcasts that I could listen to. I woke up with a lingering dread that stayed with me as my life seemed to be happening all around me. I was the one 100% positive that I wasn’t an alcoholic but I knew alcohol was contributing to all of the problems. But still, I wasn’t ready to give it up. Anything but that.

The news also tells me that you’re desperate. The stats of women and alcohol are terrifying. The increase in depression and anxiety is heartbreaking. The lack of support for women is appauling.. The demands are too high. Women have held the brunt of this virus, economic crisis, and school disaster all while caring for all of the little people in the world. Mostly alone, behind the closed doors of our private homes thinking we are the only ones who could feel this way. We think the change has to be all or nothing and the “all” is overwhelming and depressing so we opt for “nothing.” The comfort of the known feels so much easier in these crazy unpredictable times.

When I sat out on my journey over three ago I had no idea what was to come. I didn’t know that my shaky hands and suffocating anxiety would lead to me where I am today. I was sure that I would go back to drinking and that someday I would return to “normal.” I had no intentions of leading a forever sober life. I was clueless, not yet ready to receive the gifts, thinking that what I had was better than what I could have. I’m laughing right now that I believed that drinking would be better than not.

But I know you can’t see that. I know exactly what you’re thinking and where you are in your quest. I understand your desperation when you send me a message but I also know that one more thing might break you. I know that the thought of changing makes you sick to your stomach. I know you’re already sick to your stomach. The truth is it doesn’t have to be either (all or nothing) but just an open mind to exploration and curiosity.

I know you’re not an alcoholic. But did you know that in terms of cancer risk, drinking a bottle of wine is the equivalent of smoking ten cigarettes? Did you know that after only a few drinks the chemicals in alcohol alter your brains’ functioning making you think that alcohol is the greatest, most wonderful, and amazing thing. It’s why you can’t, in a billion years, imagine a life without it. You’re under the spell of the addictive chemicals trying to prime you for having “just one more.”

I just finished reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed. It is one of my new favorite books. It’s about a woman who hikes the Pacific Crest Trail alone for months and months. At the beginning of her hike she wrote “At which point, at long last, there was the actual doing it, quickly followed by the grim realization of what it meant to do it, followed by the decision to quit doing it because doing it was absurd and pointless and ridiculously difficult and far more than I expected doing it would be and I was profoundly unprepared to do it. And then there was the real live truly doing it.” It’s as if she wrote this about my journey to becoming alcohol-free because that’s precisely what it felt like. There was no amount of readiness or prepardness. There wasn’t a perfect sign or moment. I just started doing it and before long I was really really doing it and now I’m still doing it.

So Moms, what I’m saying is let’s choose our hard. Let’s be the ones in charge of the difficult triumph we are undertaking. Instead of taking what’s thrown at us and desperately trying to dim it down or lessen it by covering it up with alcohol (which we already know is really hard) let’s see what happens if we choose a hard “B.” The hard that means to stop drinking (or whatever destructive thing that’s bringing you down) and ask for the help and support you need. This will lead to that difficult conversation that you, in fact, can’t do it all. You can’t hold on anymore. You will need to jump off that tight rope you’re walking on and someone else will have to fill in. You’ll have to find a new, less satisfying (at first) coping skill that won’t leave you with a body full of cortisol because seriously why are we drinking stress?!?!?

I have the luxury of knowing the women on the other side. The women who celebrate day ten, year one, and year twenty. Their only regret is not quitting sooner as they find themselves falling to the ground and crying tears of gratitude. With all the shit women have to deal with, thank God, alcohol is no longer one of them. The hangover, the anxiety, the shame, the guilt, the thinking about drinking, all vanished and out of their lives as they fill that space with meaning, new friendships, lifelong projects, and contentment.

I’m not cured by any means. I have terrible days. I have mild depression. I have anxiety. I have stress. I have days that parenting seems monumental. But I also have the ability to manage. I can face it. I can handle it. I can do it, whatever it is, and that’s because of sobriety. I made room for healing, did the work, and I filled my drinking hours with real self-care so I finally have the tools. Don’t believe the lie that sobriety begs you to hear. The one that it’s filled with boredom, lack of living, no oompf. It’s a garbage misconception. One that you just won’t understand until you try it.

Here are some resources/supports:

Sober Mom Squad

Reva Recovery

The Luckiest Club

Join Tempest

Mental Health Lou

On The Mocks

Sober Mom Tribe

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Elizabeth Gilbert said this way better in Not This

Samantha Wrote a Book (and why you care)....

My greatest weakness of all time is impulsivity. It usually shows up in the decision-making process and goes something like this.

-I am faced with making a decision.

-This makes me very uncomfortable (no matter how big or small).

-I make the decision as quickly as possible to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

-It was the wrong decision because I didn’t think it through.

-I have to undo the decision I made, costing me ample amounts of time and money.

-I have to make the decision again and now I feel anxious and drained.

There are lots of reasons why I do this and anxiety is probably the biggest factor. But sometimes, this terrible weakness of mine works in my favor. One night I was laying in bed scrolling Instagram. I came across a story from a stranger by the name of Anna David. At the time, I wasn’t sure why I started following her. Maybe because I knew she was a writer? Maybe because she was in the same circle with someone else I followed? Maybe because I impulsively hit “follow” without any thought process whatsoever? Maybe because the Universe stepped in and took charge?

She had a series of posts about writing books. One of them said “Do you want to write a book? If yes, swipe up.” So, naturally, without thinking things through I swiped up, then I filled out a questionnaire and before I knew it I had signed up for one year writing course to self-publish my book.

Had I taken the time to actually think this through I would’ve come up with a million excuses of why I can’t write a book and self-publish.

-It’s hard.

-I hate hard things.

-I don’t know how.

-I have no time.

-I have two little kids.

-I’m not a real writer.

-I have no writing degree.

-I don’t have the authority to write a book.

-This takes time and I like to get things over with as soon as possible.

-This is not for me.

Don’t get me wrong, after I wrote the check and signed on the dotted line I wondered if this decision was going to go as poorly as most of my other decisions. Luckily, it did not. Anna told me what to do (and since I hate making decisions of my own) I just did exactly as she instructed. One step at a time I wrote an entire book and then self-published it. Now, I’m a published author and there is a memoir out there for you to read (almost-it’ll be available on Amazon on Jan. 1st). The process was remarkably eye-opening and not only have I written a book but I’ve made new friends and expanded my knowledge of writing. My impulsivity was a good thing for once!

I’m telling you this for two reasons. First, thinking through decisions is important but sometimes we overthink our way out of things. In the case of writing a book, had I taken the time to think about it there would have been no way that I would have followed through with this. Are you overthinking something?

Secondly, you should read my book. Here’s why:

-You’re nosy and you want to know the inner workings of my life.

-You like Memoirs.

-You like to be entertained.

-You can’t remember exactly how your views around alcohol formed.

-You have anxiety.

-You have depression or postpartum depression.

-You’re a mom.

-You’re living a healthy lifestyle but still drinking.

-You’re a physical and/or mental health professional and you’re not talking to your patients about alcohol regularly.

-You’re a fitness or health coach.

-You wonder if you drink too much.

-You hate hangovers.

-You’ve been on one million crash diets but you’ve never considered giving up alcohol.

-You’re having trouble getting your (insert mental health issue) under control and you’ve tried everything (except not drinking, probably because no one ever suggested trying this).

-You think sobriety is for “alcoholics.”

The book is coming out on 1/1/2021 on Amazon and I’m telling you now so that you can be thinking about whether or not you want to buy it, in case you’re one of those people who likes to think things through…

Why Thinking About Quitting Drinking Is Miserable

Thinking about quitting drinking? I get it. I did too. Almost daily for a long time. I would think about quitting drinking, google whether or not I was an alcoholic, think about all the consequences that I thought would be associated with quitting, and then go right back to drinking-resigning to the fact that I was just not the “kind of person” that would live a sober lifestyle.

What I’ve learned from other sober people is that they kind of did the same thing. Change is hard (even harder if there’s a chemical involved making you think that you need it more than you do). While it’s a really good idea to consider the options and possibilities before making a big change, thinking about changing isn’t change. It’s just something we do that occupies space and buys us time.

Sometimes what we need is time. However the right time isn’t always what we think. For example, the best time to quit drinking doesn’t come along when all the bars are closed, there are no family obigations, and our calenders are cleared of all social events that might trigger us to drink for the rest of our lives. That sure would be nice (current events might make this a lot easier). Unfortunately though, if you’re thing is alcohol, you’ll likely never find a time when it’s not a factor. It’s everywhere.

The right time is often right now. The moment that we are again pondering or thinking about quitting drinking. In fact, the only regret I have about quitting drinking is not doing it sooner. Don’t we hear that a lot? People who’ve left marriages, changed jobs, lowered their cholesterol, ran a marathon, etc. usually say that they wish they’d done it sooner. They’ve discovered that the worries and fears holding them back were not what they thought. The positive outcomes of the change outweighed any negative consequences.

For me, I finally reached a point where thinking about quitting drinking was actually harder than just quitting drinking. Waking up trying to decide if it was the alcohol making me feel bad or if adulthood was, in fact, just that shitty was becoming exhausting. Worrying about ways to decrease my anxiety while having a hunch that alcohol might be contributing was making me uneasy. Wondering what life would be like alcohol-free was agonizing. Eventually, staying the same felt like it was no longer an option (even though I was in no way ready to change).

Discomfort and pain were the factors that led me to finally change. My pros/cons list was long gone. But why does is have to be that way? When did we start buying into the idea that we only change when things hit “rock bottom?” Why did I have to pile on more regrets, experience more anxiety, and more emotional suffering? Why weren’t the cons on my list enough-hangovers, increased anxiety, hating myself when I drank too much, embarrassing myself, etc.?

The one thing that I’ve learned from living alcohol-free is that I don’t know what I don’t know. I literally had no idea what it would be like to embrace an alcohol free lifestyle. I had never once in my life done that. Sure, there were times with no alcohol-pregnancy, cleanses, diets, illness, etc. but I always felt like drinking was a part of me. It was “what I did” and “who I was.” So no matter what I put down on those lists and how much time I spent thinking about what it would be like to not drink anymore, I really didn’t have a clue what I was talking about.

Thinking about quitting drinking is not quitting drinking. You can research, read, detail, and devise a plan. Maybe you plan to read a book or two, attend an AA meeting, only drink on Saturdays, drink wine instead of bourbon, only have drinks socially, only drink between the hours of 5-6, or when it’s fall, or at weddings. Maybe you want to watch that documentary first or listen to that podcast. Maybe you want to poll your friends or try to decide how every single person you’ve ever met in your life is going to feel about you once you stop. The reality is, you just won’t know what’s it’s like until you try. There’s a great quote out there (and I can’t remember who said it). It goes something like 100% of people who quit drinking all did this one thing. They quit drinking. It really is that simple. They just stopped opening the can or the bottle and putting it up to their lips and swallowing.

Start there and then work on figuring out the rest with the support that you need. For some people it might be rehabilitation, support groups, and lots of helpful resources. For me, it was unlearning, relearning, and trusting that, in time I would benefit. That my mind, body, and soul would reap the benefits of living a sober life.

Feel free to replace the word alcohol with that thing you’ve been agonizing about. What’s the thing that keeps you up at night or nags you everytime you do it? Maybe it used to be really fun and it served a great purpose so you think you should still hang on. Maybe it once brought you happiness and connection. But it’s just not doing that anymore and deep down you know that. Buuuuuutttttttt………change sucks and maybe you think that staying the same would be easier than changing. It’s usually not.

My suggestion is to go with something new. Since you already know what it’s like to drink-why not try making that pros/cons list as a more informed, diverse human who has had the experience as a drinker AND a non drinker? Once I did that my list changed A LOT:

PRO to Quitting: CONS to Quitting:

Alive N/A

5 Things That Helped Me Stop Drinking

Thinking of giving up alcohol? Trying Sober October? Today, I feel excited to share 5 things that helped me stop drinking!

1. Mindset. If I’m being honest, when I quit alcohol on September 17, 2017 it wasn’t my first attempt. I had tried to quit drinking on several occasions. I never really came out and said “I think I need to quit drinking.” Instead, I would hide it under some kind of diet or cleanse. I attempted to diet and eliminate alcohol as a form of punishment while white knuckling and hating every minute of it. Those attempts all failed and when the cleanse or diet was over, I wound up drinking more. This time, the time I’m sure will last forever, I felt tired. I was so over hating drinking, punishment, and trying to count how many drinks I was going to have. Thanks to Holly’s blog and This Naked Mind I was able to look at my alcohol use through a different lense. Instead of trying to decide if I was or wasn’t an alcoholic I decided to explore how alcohol was afffecting me emotionally and physically. Instead of setting out for a life of sobriety I just wondered what would happen if I didn’t drink right now. It wasn’t a punishment but a way of saying I’m sorry to my body and loving myself enough to try something new even though I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be. I think you already know, the outcome was amazing.

2. Confidence. It’s important to note here that I didn’t quit drinking because I had built up enough confidence to try it. Not at all. By the time I quit, I was exhausted, worn out, and tired of being hungover and tired. I was living (for the first time in my adult life) without the self medication that I used to dull my anxiety. Starting out was a shit show. But, every single time that I got through a moment that I wanted to drink, an event that I would usually drink at, or an experience that usually required me to have a glass in my hand-my confidence grew. It grew so much that I was eager to try it out more and more. It had been a long time since I’d felt confident and it was really good.

3. Essential Oils. Don’t stop reading. Here’s the thing, essential oils were the new thing that I did to take my mind off the old thing. I started concocting up blends to make my house smell good, making skin care products, and devising recipes for other things that I could make. In other words, I had a replacement behavior, something that I could do instead of drinking. Maybe your thing is scrapbooking, yoga, puzzling, learning to cook, etc. The point is, that if I tried to stop and didn’t add in any new things I would have been sitting around twiddling my thumbs thinking about how bored I was and how badly I wanted a drink. I also learned to play the ukulele which I find myself still turning to as a new form of happy hour.

4. Read Stories From Sober People. I read every word on Holly’s blog at least 5 times. In fact, I still read a lot of her old blogposts. They were very simple and I notice that everytime I’m faced with a question like “what should I do about this” she had written something about it. At first, since I wasn’t quite sure what to do-I just did what she did. I carried tea and baked goods with me everywhere I went, I read books that she read, I trusted her experience which gave me hope for mine, etc. Now, I know a lot more sober people and I love getting inspiration from them. It helps keep me on track and stay focused on my goals.

5. I Put Myself First. This one is probably the most important. I knew that no longer drinking was going to be awkward and strange socially speaking. Especially since I’d never really done anything socially without alcohol. I finally decided that short term awkwardness for the sake of healing my mental health was worth it. I didn’t allow myself to worry what others would think and instead I started focusing solely on what I thought. I knew I needed to change my drinking habits. I couldn’t continue to drink just so my friends wouldn’t be put off or so that my husband and I wouldn’t have to change the location of our date night. Overall, my friends and family were very supportive. I’m so glad that I chose me! As a result, I’ve been a better wife, mother, and friend.

I’ve never looked back. Within the first few months I noticed a significant improvement in everything from my skin to my mental health. I still experience anxiety and I have plenty of bad days. But today, it’s because I’m human and not due to some self imposed chemically induced stress. If you want to know more about things that helped me stop drinking check out this and this.

Want to hear more about my path to becoming alcohol free? Listen here on An Open Book Podcast.

How Quitting Alcohol Is A Lot Like A Breakup

Throughout my 20’s, I had some not so great romantic relationships. I remember one time when things were going particularly bad, I told my friend “I’d rather be unhappy for the rest of my life than to be without him.” I was talking about not wanting to break up even though things pretty much sucked.

Of all of the things I’ve written here, this is definitely the most embarrassing. It sounds so desperate, pathetic, and even a little bit cray cray. Luckily, I didn’t pursue my wildest dream of living unhappy and that relationship ended. As a result, better things started happening to me.

When it came to alcohol, I had the same exact thoughts. There was a time when living with hangxiety, sleep disruption, hormone disruption, waking up with a bad taste in my mouth, being bloated, and feeling a little bit crappy all the time just didn’t seem worse than not ever drinking again. I told myself that I’d rather wake up with a bit of hangover for the rest of my life than to quit drinking.

Quitting drinking can be a lot like leaving a crappy relationship. Alcohol was the one thing I turned to in good times and bad. Even though it never made me feel any better, it was comfortable, safe, the thing I knew-which was way better than the fear of the unknown. Every time I started to get down about it or think that maybe I should consider cutting back or quitting, the good times would suck me back in. Instead of rehashing all the horrible hangovers, the memory loss, the guilt, and the stress it caused, I only recalled the wonderful nights out with friends, the parties, the laughter, the music, the relief that I felt as that first sip oozed it’s way down my throat.

When I did finally decide to break up with alcohol, it was like having an ex. Being around it was awkward. Going out to places it might be made me nervous and sad at first. Talking about it made me angry and tearful at times. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and cried in my pillow wondering when I would stop thinking about it. I thought I might not ever be the same with it no longer there. It was hard.

But, just like with my breakup from a person, I started to get used to the idea of not having it around. I started to see that it wasn’t always good and that the stress that it caused had outweighed the good times. I realized that I could live without it. I stopped listening to the sad songs and I started feeling better. A little bit better day by day until eventually, not only was I not sad that it wasn’t in my life, I was happy. Very very happy.

People move on from breakups. They go on to live fabulous and wonderful lives despite the rough patch. We know this is true and we have seen it happen time and time again with our friends, family members, loved ones, and acquaintances. We probably all know someone who got out of a crappy relationship and turned things around for the better.

Quitting alcohol is a lot like that. It’s like leaving that crappy relationship that you tell yourself is making things better but you know deep down it’s making things worse. Once the shock of the change is over things start to look up. And before long you find the true love of your life which happens to be you.

You’ve Recently Stopped Drinking, Here’s What You Need To Know

Making the decision to take a break from alcohol is HUGE.  Depending on your relationship with alcohol you’re probably somewhere on the spectrum of Oh Shit What Do I Do With Myself? to maybe feeling relieved.  Regardless, making a big change like not drinking takes some effort and probably leaves you wondering when you’ll start to heal. When I first stopped drinking there were three burning questions that I wanted to know.

When will I feel better?  This was my number one question.  The Type A, planner, and control freak in me needed to know how long the agony, discomfort, and insecurity would last.  I needed to know what I was in for. I craved the exact date from the time that I took my last sip that I would feel confident, energized, and of course happy.  I was pissed that no articles on the internet clarified for me how many weeks, days, and hours it would take for me to be “cured.”

This process is different for every single person.  There is no certain amount of days or weeks. In actuality, there was no “day” that I felt healed, cured, changed, transformed, and all of the other fancy words that I was sure would describe my experience.  In fact, I’m still working on that part. However, each day that I don’t drink is a day further away from the life I no longer want and toward the one that I’m growing now. Instead of experiencing this one big massive moment when I felt cured, I experienced small wins, tiny steps, and milestones that I celebrated (and still celebrate) with joy.

When will I lose weight, my skin starts to glow, and I gain all the amazing benefits that everyone talks about?  Early on my journey, I found this infographic with timelines of what happens when you stop drinking.  It said things like Week three, the alcohol is finally detoxed from your body. Week 6 you’ll feel less bloated. Week 8 a magic unicorn will arrive at your door and take you on a ride through pink clouds. Not exactly, but you get the point. I saved this to my desktop, my phone, and I even printed it out so I could look at it over and over.  While it was meant to be used as a guide, I needed it to be true so that I could feel validated that I made all the right decision.

My skin did improve.  My anxiety stopped being the sole focus of my life.  The cloud lifted.  I had more energy.  All of the promises came true but they didn’t exactly happen in the order of the little info sheet from an online resource.  They happened in a timeline that was specific to me and my body.  It’s also important to note that when I stopped drinking I interrupted the damage.  I was no longer using a carcinogen. I stopped disrupting my hormones.  I stopped increasing the chances for severe addiction. I stopped feeling hungover. And, so much more.  So, while I may not have had glowing skin at day 17, I could feel good about knowing that I had stopped damaging myself and that my body was recovering every single minute that I wasn’t drinking. 

When will I never think about drinking again?  Every sober person I admire hinted at the fact that I would one day stop thinking about alcohol.  Holly, Laura, Annie Grace, Carly, Gabby, and there were others all assured me that alcohol would one day take a backseat.  I can promise you that I never think about alcohol (unless of course, it is for the sake of this blog).  I don’t salivate when people drink around me.  I don’t wish I could have just one.  I don’t feel like I’m missing out.  I don’t notice what’s on tap.  I don’t think about how at 5’oclock I won’t be able to have wine or beer or happy hour.  I am free from the chains completely.  In fact, it’s my most favorite part about being sober-never having to f’ing think about it again!  

I don’t know the exact timeline for when this happened but it took a while for sure.  Alcohol is everywhere.  It’s at the bars, restaurants, and parties obviously.  But it’s also at yoga, work meetings, pools, school functions, church gatherings, farmers’ markets, Target, and most homes in the US. So, it’s not like an out of sight out of mind situation.  It’s NEVER out of sight.  It takes time to see first the role that alcohol plays in our lives, then the clarity of why/how you may have gotten to a point where alcohol was no longer working, and then time to tune it out.  I replaced thinking about alcohol with thinking about writing, reading, nature, coffee, essential oils, yummy recipes, helping, running, connecting, playing the ukulele, and so much more. That was a big important part.

The point is that you’re doing it! If you’ve stopped drinking you’ve already done the biggest step. Every single moment from here on out will get better and things in your life will become more clear. It will take time and the more effort you put toward your new life alcohol-free, the less you’ll wish for your old one. The gifts will show up when you least expect them. I’m approaching 3 years of living sober and it honestly keeps getting better. Laura McKowen writes First: Impossible, Then: Difficult, Then: Strange, Then: Normal, Then: Wouldn’t have it any other way. This the best timeline I’ve ever seen.

A Summer Without Alcohol

Summer is my jam. I’m most at peace when the weather is hot, a swimsuit and coverup is my most worn outfit, and outside is covered in bright green. After many months of the gray, wet, and cold I can’t wait for the hot sun to start shining down. I like the hours of endless light and one of my favorite things is wake up early, step out onto the porch, watch the sunrise, and drink my morning coffee without layers of blankets.

Well, that’s my favorite thing to do now. It wasn’t always this way.

Summer used to signify drinking season. Water, sun, and drinks went hand in hand. Drinks by the pool, drinks on the patio, drinks on the boat, and drinking by the campfire. This is the season where day drinking is totally acceptable and spending the weekends mostly buzzed is considered pure bliss. I loved nothing more than turning on some summer tunes (Kenny Chesney, Jimmy Buffett, Zach Brown Band, and even Van Morrison) and letting the stress and anxiety of all the other seasons slip away. The hot hot heat and humidity only made me more thirsty.

Cold white wine, grapefruity IPA’s, and in my last couple months of drinking-gin, water, and lime made for the perfect refresher in my sweaty Yeti. It’s no surprise that my sobriety came at the end of summer, a long season of drinking.

This is my third summer being alcohol free. As I write this we’ve just been cleared to see people and it’s Memorial Day weekend. It seems like a good time to celebrate, toast, and be filled with joy. But, this summer, I won’t be trying to amp up my joy with alcohol.

Alcohol is a tricky thing. Once you start drinking it your body produces a whole bunch of extra feel good chemicals. Then your brain is like, wow this is so great. And, for a bit, it is great. But everything that happens after that sucks. Once your brain realizes that it was too much of those great chemicals it tries to regulate by taking them all away which causes stress and adrenaline. Your brain gets pissed! It’s like, No Wait, I want more of the good feelings, so it starts to dim all of the other good things making it so that you feel like you need to have alcohol to enjoy things. After a certain point, you kind of do.

That’s why I thought, in order to enjoy summer, I needed a cold drink in my hand. My brain tricked me into believing that things weren’t as fun if I wasn’t drinking. Now that the alcohol is long gone and my brain and body have healed I realize that it was never the drinking that made summer epic. It’s wasn’t listening to Jimmy Buffett with a margarita in hand that made things good, it was listening to Jimmy Buffet. It wasn’t drinking by the pool with friends, it was being with friends at a pool. It wasn’t boating and drinking, it was boating, the water, the views, and the sun. Now that I’m so far removed it’s kind of like saying that I needed to be holding a chicken leg in order to have a good time. Sounds silly right?

Today, I woke up early and had coffee on the porch with my husband. I took my time, listened to the birds, and noticed things. I noticed how much I love iced coffee and how I can drink it slow because I don’t need it to wake me up or stave off a hangover. I went for a run and listened to some epic music. I didn’t have to punish myself for too many drinks or smell beer coming from my pores. I meditated outside while sweating and let the sun beat down on my body. I made cinnamon toast and eggs for breakfast and my hands weren’t shaking with a queasy stomach. I didn’t spend a single second wondering what I said yesterday or about what I need to pack in the cooler for the boat later today. If I don’t pack a single thing I’ll still have a good time.

This summer will be simple. It will be covered in sunscreen, sun, and sweat and not a bit of regret. I feel so happy to not have to ever feel hungover again and to never have to try to regulate what I’m drinking. After so many years of drinking, then thinking about my drinking, there’s nothing more freeing than being rid of the whole thing. I used to feel sorry for people who “couldn’t drink.” In my days of confusion, I thought I was the one living. Now I realize that I couldn’t have been more wrong.

This Is Not The Time To Drink.

Fear is a tricky emotion.  One thing I think we could all agree on is that fear feels terrible.  No one wants to feel it and so we spend enormous amounts of time, money, resources, and efforts trying to avoid it at all costs.

We think we have control and that if we push it away, escape, and pretend it’s not there that it will stay far away in the distance.  We don’t connect that its fear that wakes us up in the middle of the night, makes us physically sick at times, and causes all kinds of other bothersome behaviors that we wish we didn’t do.

But fear is unavoidable.  We all have it.  It’s part of being a human.  It’s actually a survival skill that started as a way to protect us from being chased by a bear or eaten by a tiger.  When we feel it our body jumps into protection mode and sends our brains a big surge of chemicals that tell us “Oh shit, something bad is happening so I either need to fight this off or flee.”

How does a fight or flight response help us when the world is facing a historical pandemic?  Good question. For starters, we can’t physically fight off having the flu.  There is no jab, punch, or karate kick that could make this thing go away.  So, instead of fighting with a physical sensation we use our next most powerful tool, our words.

We use our words to yell, scream, and to project all of our fear.  And since the coronavirus can’t really listen, we displace our anger onto other people. This looks like people writing mean things on Facebook or Instagram.  First, it’s targeted toward the government, then onto doctors, then onto other countries who “started it.”  Then, it’s onto people who are trying to be prepared.

High fear means highly agitated so we will also ooze this onto our family and friends.  We might feel edgy and find ourselves snapping at our kids for no reason or rolling our eyes when our scared neighbor tells us she stocked up on toilet paper.   

Next, for those of us (like me) who prefer to flee when you see a bear coming.  You might respond by trying to escape.  Since we cannot literally run away from the Coronavirus then we are likely to find ways to numb.  Drinking, overeating, scrolling away on Instagram, shopping online for things that have nothing to do with the current situation, and making fun of the virus altogether.  

All of these methods might feel good in the moment but they are short-lived and will come back with a vengeance if used long term.  Drinking too much and eating foods that have no nutritional value will weaken your immune systems making you more susceptible to illness.  

One more shitty thing about fear is that it often triggers more fear.  Have some unresolved childhood trauma?  Experienced a crisis in the past?  Unresolved loss?  You can bet, anytime more fear comes up you may feel triggered again.  This is confusing and can lead to a whole host of emotional turmoil.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have experienced a lot of these feelings.  When I first heard about Coronavirus I rejected it as being an issue and believed that alarmists were trying to scare me into thinking something bad was happening.  As the closings, cancellations, and people I trusted started to respond I began to feel nervous and noticed my anxiety rising and some anger coming up.  Then, last night I ate an entire portion of chips and queso by myself while scrolling through IG with my heart pounding and palms sweating.  I started to cry when I heard the news of school cancellations.  When I thought about the economical impact that this will have and the children left home alone with no lunch I felt sick from the food I ate and spent most of the night awake with a stomachache.

So, I woke up early to write this up as a reminder that it’s ok if you’re scared.  It’s ok to not know what is happening and to feel lost.  It’s ok if you experienced fear and then projected it out in all the wrong ways.  It’s ok to forgive people who don’t know how to deal with their own fear.  

But the one thing I know for sure is that the only way out is through.  No amount of rejection, avoidance, numbing, or projection is going to solve this.  You will have to feel your fear. You will not spontaneously combust like you think you will.  You will not implode.  

You may need to ask for help.  You will need to lean on your loved ones (from a safe distance of course).  You may need some amped-up therapy sessions.  But now is the time to take care of your body and your soul.  Putting your mental and physical health first is actually the one thing that you can control.

If you’ve derailed as I have then let’s get back on track.  Love is the best defense against fear.  Let’s make our bodies our priority by drinking lots of water, eating nourishing foods, limiting social media, and getting enough sleep.  Let’s share love with others by offering compassion and acceptance that we are all at different stages in our processing. And let’s love on those who need us most by being socially responsible and accepting that, while we may not be directly affected by this virus, we can reduce the impact for those who are.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and information, get that right here.

Can Alcohol Have A Paleo Moment?

Recently, I’ve been going over some statistics related to alcohol.  It’s stated that 65 million Americans report binge drinking but only 15 million Americans are clinically diagnosed with Alcohol Use Disorder. That means that almost half of the drinking population report that they have issues with over drinking.  Now, I’m no mathematician, but these numbers seem like they could use some attention.

As I reflect on my drunken days I would easily “binge drink” (defined by more than 4 drinks for a 2 hour period) at least twice (sometimes more) every week.  I also blew those stats to pieces while in college and in my early 20’s when I would drink for hours on end.  

Interestingly,  no one ever considered me to be a problem drinker.  Not the bartenders who  served me as I slurred to get another.  Not my doctor when I gained 30 pounds and told her I was depressed.  Not the same City Scoot driver who picked me up several times a week from a bar to take me home.  Not the waiter at the brewery as he watched me walk out with my babies in tow.  

No one.  

That is until I questioned my relatioship with alcohol.  When I stopped drinking, people considered me to have a drinking problem.  That was the line in the sand that separated my drinking (the drunk kind that has to stop) from other people’s drinking (the kind that can do all of the things stated above without any question).  

One of my favorite teachers, Holly, writes in her new book Quit Like A Woman

“We read labels.  We shun gluten, dairy, processed foods, and refined sugars.  We buy organic.  We use natural sunscreens and beauty products.  We worry about fluoride in our water, smog in our air, hydrogenated oils in our food, and we debate whether plastic bottles are safe to drink from.  We replace toxic cleaning products with Mrs. Meyer’s and homemade vinegar concoctions.  We do yoga, we run, we SoulCylcle and Fitbit, we go paleo, and keto, we juice, we cleanse……”

She goes on to talk about all of the other insane things we do in the name of health but then at the end of the day top it all off with drinks.  

I’m fascinated that when a person who juices, runs, eats kale, meditates, and drinks 4 or more IPA’s a night questions their relationship with alcohol that people are stunned.  Society immediately deems them as an “alcoholic” and thinks that they must go straight to AA or Rehab.  

I’m frustrated that I’m the one getting the side eye when I order a tonic and lime (no alcohol) from the person next to me who asks the waiter if the bread is gluten free and if they have vegan cheese to go on the cheesy bread appetizer.  It’s like my decision is based on shameful behavior and theirs is based on health.

But of course, there’s an unspoken understanding that the vegan could always go back to cheese without having to face life threatening consequences (unlike the “drunk”). While this may be true for some, it’s just not that cut and dry.

This black and white thinking is harmful.  People should be questioning their relationship with alcohol no matter where they lie on the spectrum.  It’s ok for us to explore, learn, and wonder why we want to drink.  It’s ok for us to openly ask questions about why we want another beer in the same way we would ask ourselves if we should go for that 5th slice of pizza.  

Alcohol needs to go onto the list of things we care about. We need to create awareness, if not for ourselves, then for the 65 million Americans who report binge drinking.   If we only think of people with problem drinking as alcoholics then we are leaving out nearly half of all drinkers who could potentially benefit from knowing the effects that alcohol has on their body.  Do you see the problem with that?

It’s the reason that I thought I needed more medication, more green smoothies, harder runs, and more discipline with my diet when, actually, I just needed to cut back on drinks.  It’s the reason I spent hours learning about coconut oil swishing, natural herbs to add to my juice, and yoga poses for anxiety. Since I wasn’t an “alcoholic” (according the online test I took), I assumed it couldn’t possibly be the alcohol.

I’ve heard some of the most preposterous things since becoming AF. People have asked me if I fear that my kids “will get it” or if I drank “in the closet.”  I’ve been told “I’m relieved” when someone finds out that I drank more than them while others have said “I’ve spilled more than you’ve ever drank” as if I’m not worthy enough of living alcohol free.

People have suggested that I’m not doing sober right because I didn’t go to AA (which I honestly had no idea was even a thing-but it’s a big thing). Lots of people have had a strong reaction to me not drinking and I can’t help but wonder if they feel this strongly about someone who has gone Paleo?

I get it, until I became sober I held alcohol on a pedastal and let it be free from scrutiny.  I deemed it a problem for only “those people.”  But now I want alcohol in the mix.  If we have no issues having open debates about drinking from plastic, whether or not we should vaccinate our children, and an ongoing dialogue on use of corn syrup, stevia, or agave then we can question alcohol without being shunned by society.

I’m not suggesting we all stop drinking. I’m just here to remind everyone that you can’t catch alcoholism by thinking about it.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and information, get that right here.

Why Do Moms Drink So Much?

If you’ve been alive and awake for 30 seconds then it’s likely you’ve encountered some kind of message regarding mothers and drinking.  Maybe it was a funny facebook post that said Mommy’s Sippy Cup.  Maybe it was a commercial or movie of moms drinking to take the edge off.  Maybe it was an ad for that coloring book that says My Kids Are The Reason I Drink.  Maybe you walked through any store, gas station, cafe, or gym and saw one of the “hilarious” t-shirts that says They whine, I wine.

Sadly, none of these “ads” are from alcohol companies.  Alcohol companies have no need to advertise drinking to moms because, just like everything else we take care of, we’ve done it for them.  These ads are from one mother to another rationalizing our behavior and begging each other for support. 

That’s how hard it is to be a mom.

Today’s parenting is an impossible task.  Mothers have more skills, resources, and information than ever before.  We now have the ability to work and take care of our children.  We’re empowered to follow our dreams and to make change.  We’re finally being given positions of power and we are inching our way toward equality. We’re given the right and responsibility to raise strong women and forward thinking men.  We’re free from so many of the chains and setbacks of the women before us.  

But because of all of these great changes, the expectations are high.  Now that we know better, we feel like our children need perfectly prepared organic meals on BPA free plastic plates.  They need piano lessons, gymnastics, compassion class, karate, and a healthy bedtime on nice clean sheets.  They need structure, free play, limited screen time, and the ability to share and be kind. 

They need all of our love and to be given a “teaching moment” for every single conflict they encounter.  They need us to be present, for the love of God, and to not respond to any of our own needs until they are out of our sight, adjusted, and content.

They need us to be in charge of every single detail from packing their snack to making sure they have their homework to washing their uniforms. Oh, and let’s not forget to make sure our marriage is thriving because a stable home is crucial to development. Finally, they need us to be happy (because no child deserves to grow up with a mom who isn’t happy) so self care is vital.

It’s literally not doable! However, as women, it feels like we should try.  So we do, and then we fail, and then we drink (or just make jokes about drinking) because escaping feels like one of our only options.

Sigh.

We’re living in dangerous territory right now. Alcohol consumption among women is at it’s height.  According to an article written on WebMD:

• Female alcohol use disorder in the United States increased by 83.7% between 2002 and 2013, according to a 2017 study sponsored by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA).

• High-risk drinking, defined as more than three drinks in a day or seven in a week for women, is on the rise among women by about 58%, according to a 2017 study comparing habits from 2001-2002 and 2012-2013.

• A 2018 study found a steep rise in the rate of alcohol-related ER visits between 2006 and 2014, and increases were larger for women than men.

• Death from liver cirrhosis rose in women from 2000 to 2013.

(By the way did you see the part about “high risk drinking” being defined as more than seven drinks per week.  Seven isn’t very much when you have moms night out on Tuesday, drinks with dinner on Friday, and a few beers at the game on Sat.)

Moms-hear me now.  We can parent our children without making jokes about the use of a deadly substance!  Instead of promoting alcohol let’s promote mental health care!  Let’s make shirts about dad’s carrying some of the weight.  Let’s share funny memes about how we are not superheroes and no longer want to be considered such.  Let’s stop laughing because it’s not at all funny!

It’s not the wine that bothers me the most.  Women are standing up for their rights, asserting power, taking back control, and having a voice now more than ever before.  But at the end of the day we dilute it all with a joke about how we couldn’t do it without our drinks.  Bullshit! 

I get it.  I’ve been there. I have a deep knowing of the struggles of motherhood inside my bones.  But instead of reaching out with a silly joke to cover up the desperation, let’s be vulnerable.  Instead of judging each other, let’s work together.  Let’s come out from behind what those shirts really mean and tell the truth that this is hard and we need society to stop dumping all the blame and responsibility onto moms.  

The time has come to throw alcohol into the bucket of things that are holding women back. We can’t make women’s health a priority while clinking our glasses over funny jokes about how we can’t handle life without drinking. Our culture is in a state of crisis when it comes to addiction and I can’t help but wonder if we have something to do with this. We’re perpetuating the idea of using a dangerous chemical to live life and then laughing about how cute and funny it is?

Let’s change the narrative by making a simple change in what we say about drinking. Getting drunk while parenting is not funny and our kids deserve to know that.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and informaation, get that right here.

If You’re Not Addressing Your Alcohol Use As Part Of Your Mental Health Regime You’re Probably Hindering Your Progress

I know, bad news bear here.  I’m reading a great book called Girl Walks Out of a Bar. I am on the chapter where she knows that she is having significant issues with alcohol addiction and wakes up crying every morning.  Instead of getting honest with herself about her alcohol use she decides to go to a psychiatrist and tell her about her sadness and onset of depression-leaving the part about the alcohol out.  She says she would rather go on living a life of angst, depression, sadness, and even dying early (if that’s what it cost) than to stop drinking.  

Look, regardless of much alcohol you’re drinking, it has an impact on your mental health. Many of us don’t see the harm as we pop our pills, followed by a couple glasses of wine, and lie to our doctors about how much we drink.  But, it does. Repeated alcohol use can boost your serotonin (feel good chemicals) temporarily, but over time it lowers serotonin in the long term making it harder for you to feel good when you’re not drinking. 

So while it may seem like it’s not hurting anything (and even helping a little) you might be surprised to know how much you are altering your brain.  This is pretty basic information but it’s really hard to find especially in our “Wine Is Self Care” culture.  We are constantly getting contradicting information about how good wine is for your mood.  

Everywhere we turn there is an event popping up telling us to come drink.  I just did a quick scroll through my feed and came up with tons of drinking events-Cocktails and Coats, Parents and Pints, Martinis and Mistletoe,  Yoga and Wine.

Every single event is advertising alcohol.  Why? Mostly because we are group of people who love to drink.  Drinking sells.  But let me be clear, WINE IS NOT SELF CARE.  Waking up with a hangover after a girls night (that was meant to help you relax) will not advance your mental health.

Does this mean you have to stop drinking?  I don’t know.  But I do know that if you are experiencing mental health issues and you have “tried everything” (except not drinking) then you are selling yourself short.  It’s worth doing some research and learning the facts. Sadly,  you might be thinking (much like Lisa thought in her book and much like I thought for a very a long time too)-drinking is the only thing that really makes me feel better.  It’s just not true long term. That’s kind of like saying you’re going out to eat ice cream and cake because you’re on a diet.

My favorite teacher Holly Whitaker once wrote, “If the effects of not drinking were available in a pill, it would be the best selling drug in history.”  Read that again. This is the absolute truth of what I have found in sobriety.  In this culture we all seem to be desperately seeking that “thing” that is going to make us feel better.  We wish for it, pray for it, talk about it, read about it, try different diets, try new workouts, different therapies, conferences, classes, more this, less that……..minus alcohol.  It’s the one thing we don’t touch. That’s because we have been conditioned to believe that if we are not alcoholics then we can and should continue drinking.

Now that I live in this place of being alcohol free it’s so clear to see the negative impact that the most dangerous drug on the market is having on us.  And as much as I try to never judge-when I hear about someone having significant mental health issues, I can’t help but wonder if they just  stopped drinking would their problems dissolve?  In some cases, I am positive that the answer is yes (especially if they heal the condition that got them drinking in the first place).

It’s ok to explore your drinking as part of taking care of yourself. It’s ok to ask questions about how alcohol might be affecting you. I give you permission. That doesn’t mean you have to go to rehab. It doesn’t mean that you are an alcoholic. It doesn’t mean that you have to stop drinking forever. But it might be the missing piece and so I encourage you to do some research. 

I will be here with you confirming the information that you find, nodding my head as you start to realize what’s happening with your brain, holding your hand to get you through those confusing and tough times, and laughing alongside you when you discover how much better you feel just because you stopped drinking.  Trust me, it’s worth addressing.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and informaation, get that right here.

Is Alcohol A Trick Or A Treat?

Yesterday I saw a meme that said You never see alcohol companies putting drunk people in their ads.  Are they ashamed of their customers?  This inspired some thinking.  First of all, alcohol makes us drunk.  That’s the point right?  Well, not for everybody I guess, but it was for me.  Most of the time I drank with the intention to get drunk.

Some people drink to take the edge off, others because they love the taste, some to make a toast, to celebrate, and there are a million other reasons.  However, it’s probably pretty safe to say that many people who don’t drink with the intention of getting drunk have “accidentally” ended up drunk at one time or another.  Right?

Drunk does not equal pretty.  It wouldn’t sell.  From a vain point of view nothing is less appealing than someone slurring their speech, stumbling when they walk, and hovering over a toilet.  It’s actually disgusting.  I know this from my own personal experience.

Drunk is also dangerous.  Who would want to see an ad about someone drinking too much and then going home to abuse their wife and children?  Or a commercial on alcohol induced campus rapes?  Or hear a radio blast about the latest drunken brawl outside of your favorite pub?  Eww.  Appalling.  Not good for advertising.

But those are not the only examples of drunk.  What about the family fights over Thanksgiving dinner that are alcohol induced? Or badgering the live act begging them to play your song (wait, that was me)? Or, the embarrassment of doing or saying things that aren’t aligned with your values (going home with strangers, dancing on bars, having an anger outburst, the list goes on).

But this is what alcohol does. It makes you drunk. So why as a culture do we judge so harshly those who “can’t handle it” when it’s not made to be handled.  Why do we draw a line in the sand of us (drinkers) vs. them (alcoholics).  Why do we feel disgusted, appalled, and offended when we hear these horrible stories of what people did when they were drunk and immediately place the blame on their poor judgement, lack of awareness, shitty upbringing, mental illness, and rarely question the drug?

Ethanol (otherwise known as poison) is the part of alcohol that makes you drunk.  It crosses into the blood, heads straight for your organs, and interferes with transmitters (those really important things that send messages to you to tell you what to do). Of course, there are early warning signs letting you know that your body is having a reaction to the drug. But guess what, once in your system, the alcohol starts screaming for more alcohol because it’s a highly addictive chemical.

So we’re left with a brain that is functioning much slower than normal and a body screaming that it wants more alcohol. This means that we sometimes say yes to “just one more” even when we know we shouldn’t. Kenny Chesney sang all about it in his “You and Tequila” song in the line One is one too many and one more is never enough.

There are many more factors here but it’s true that many people who drink alcohol have gotten drunk. Yet, instead of normalizing this (since this is what alcohol does) we blame the user. We say things like “Poor Jimmy, he must have a problem.”  “Sally Sue got drunk again last night, sorry bastard.”  “Let’s stop hanging out with Bobby, he’s a sloppy drunk.”  

I think we’re scared that if we question alcohol that someone might take it away from us. Or, worse, someone might question our own personal use.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  We can cross over that line in the sand and admit that yes, we might love to drink, but also acknowledge how ethanol can be problematic.

We have no problem acknowledging the danger of drugs (many of which are far less addictive and deadly than alcohol).  So, why not go there with alcohol?  If we made this teeny tiny shift in our awareness we could stop isolating people. 

What if we stopped glamorizing alcohol for the elite who “can handle it” and shaming those who can’t? What if we stopped playing into the stigma that you must hit rock bottom, get arrested, hurt someone, or drive drunk in order to quit drinking?  What if we accept quitting as a healthy personal choice like we accept going vegan or gluten free?  What if we stopped laughing at how out of character we got after a few glasses of wine? What if we truly acknowledged how addictive and dangerous the chemical is? Could we make an impact on one of the 15 million people affected?  I think yes.

So, this Halloween as you take in all the treats your heart desires don’t forget about the tricks that many of them come with. We’re not immune to the effects of alcohol (interrupted sleep, unintended weight gain, lack of connection, fogginess, dulled skin, mental health issues, etc.) even if you don’t fall into the category of alcoholic.

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Sober in Fall

My last sip of alcohol was a Pumpkin Spice beer from one of my favorite microbreweries.  I loved pumpkin beer as much as normal people love pumpkin spice lattes.  I can remember the feeling of excitement I’d get when I  walked into the grocery and saw the display of pumpkin beers!  It was the first sign of fall which meant all things cozy.

“All things cozy” for me was drinking dark beers or red wine at home in my pajamas.  The problem was that those dark beers and that red wine were pretty high in ABV and would make me drunk way faster than my session IPA’s or light lagers of summer.  But after years of training my hand to bring that drink to my mouth, I could never really learn how to slow down the physical behavior of drinking.  So the higher the ABV didn’t mean fewer drinks, it just meant worse hangovers.

Summer, Winter, Fall, Spring, and each holiday along the way all had their own shopping cart full of nostalgia.  With each season came a ritual of things I liked to do while drinking.  In October, it was trick or treating with the kids as I carried my red solo cup down the street, drinking fall beers at Oktoberfests, and switching over to red wine.  Nothing was better than facing the cool, fresh air with a heavy, filling, and depressing dark drink that made me feel light-headed and tipsy after my first sip (and blacked out soon after).

Despite my fear that I could never ever enjoy fall again without my pumpkin beer, I still get excited at the change of seasons. It turns out that fall is a great time to stop drinking.  There are so many other drink options and ways to keep your hands busy while others are drinking.

  Here are some of my favorite tips for being sober in fall.

• Pick up a new drink.  With the change in seasons, there is no need to try to cool down with a cold one.  Instead, try warming your soul with a new hot drink.  I started drinking tea right away especially in the evenings to replace that behavior of having something in my hand when 5 o’clock rolled around.  Chamomile, chai lattes, lavender teas, matcha lattes, and of course the beloved pumpkin spice everything is the perfect addition to your hand in the evenings, at the pumpkin farm, on the trick or treat walk, and at the festival.

• Go for a happy hour walk.  Finally, with the heat gone, it’s time to go back outside.  There is nothing better than getting in a walk to watch the leaves change, take in nature, and be outside during this beautiful season.  Listen to a podcast, listen to the birds, or listen to the sound of your body healing itself from the alcohol.  You might be shocked how much you’re able to notice things now that the alcohol isn’t screaming for more.  It’s a big, beautiful world out there, and now is the perfect time to take note.

• Start cooking.  With tailgates, parties, and holidays all around the corner, you might find yourself in need of something to do now that you are no longer standing around drinking.  This is the perfect time to pick up a new skill in cooking. You can be the master of the grill at the tailgate or spend your time whipping up yummy treats for your guests while you watch the game.  This is the season for all things soup, stews, braising, and baking.  Find that recipe that you have always loved and learn how to make it to perfection!

• Make a mocktail. So much of our drinking habit is about the ritual.  We love the glasses, the sound of the ice hitting the bottom of the tumblr, the way the wine pours so delicately into the well.  It brings a sense of comfort and calm to engage in those same behaviors.  So, try out a new concoction sans the alcohol.  Get those nice ingredients and whip up something that is delicious and festive.  You can find sophisticated recipes at The Mocktail Project and Marnie Ray.  So give it a try and enjoy!

When I first stopped drinking in the fall of 2017 I had to learn to change my mindset from “I don’t get to drink” to “I don’t have to drink.”  It took some time but once I did the work and replaced my bad habits with different and exciting habits I created new pathways for my brain. I still love the onset of fall!  But now, instead of flooding my mind with images of bottles and glasses-it’s more mugs, sweaters, and no regrets…

Happy Fall, Y’all (sorry, had to add that because, well, Kentucky)!

5 Unexpected Things I’ve learned Since I Stopped Drinking

I am quickly approaching being alcohol free for 2 years.  As an anxious, type A person, who loves control, all I thought about for those first few weeks was what it would be like to be sober for one week, one month, six months, a year, etc.  I just wanted to fast forward.  There is nothing I HATE more than being a beginner.  

What would I feel like? Could I keep this up?  How much would I change? Would my friends still accept me?  When will I stop thinking about drinking?  When will I feel more confident?

I have no idea what the big rush was and I am happy to report that I am now much more focused on the journey than the destination.  Everyday I am learning and sometimes I am shocked to find out things that I never connected to my drinking. Those limiting thoughts, jaded ideas about alcohol, and self doubt still creep up. But, now I understand them and I no longer accept them as my truth. 

Here are some things that I had no idea would happen.

1. I’ll start with the bad news-I don’t always feel great. I know, bummer right? I felt pretty bad most days leading up to the point when I finally decided to stop drinking. When I wasn’t actually hungover my anxiety would ensure that there was no feeling good about anything. I was tired all the time and I laid in bed a lot.

   All of those things are gone, buuuutttttt, I’m not magically filled with endless energy, enormous amounts of bliss, and in a state of sunshine and rainbows all the time. I still have bad days. I still get tired (but I don’t lay in bed all day). I still have low level anxiety (well, low level for me, probably extremely high for some). And, I still have frustration, anger, sadness, and all the other emotions that come along with being human.

2. HOWEVER, I don’t wallow in that place like I used to.  When my mind and body were overrun with chemicals there was no escape.  There was no getting out of those thought loops.  There was no perspective.  None.  I put out a TON of negative energy and therefore attracted a ton of negative energy back.

   I have learned that being tired is just that….tired.  I have learned that being a little anxious is just that…..a feeling I am having in the moment and not a state of life to live in.  I have learned that I am frustrated because things are sometimes frustrating ….not because it’s the end of the world.  No emotion is too big now.

3. I have an I CAN mindset.  I lived in a world of I can’t.  I am still in Colorado as I write this and I have had numerous flashbacks of my last visit here when I was drinking.  I got so drunk the night before our early morning flight and I suffered for the next 3 days.  We stopped at Whole Foods to get lunch on our way out of town and I literally couldn’t get out of the car.  It wasn’t because of my headache or nausea but I was paralyzed.  Was it fear? Was it paranoia? Was it exhaustion?  I don’t know but I literally could not make my legs walk. I said my favorite words “I can’t.”  I sat in the car while my family went in and had lunch.

   I never say those words now.  I CAN.  If I can stop drinking I can do anything and there is nothing more amazing that having my confidence back.  I’m empowered to take massive action over my life.  

   4.  That feeling leaves me with this constant edge of momentum.  I am filled with a desire to grow.  I can’t wait to read more, do more, experience more, and the list goes on.  Having been so incredibly wrong about alcohol, addiction, and my own drinking habits has left me with the desire to find out what else I was wrong about.  Seriously, I love finding out that I was wrong about something.  It’s so freeing to discover that the thoughts I was holding onto were all in my head.

   5.  I am way less judgmental.  I worry myself sick that people will mis read my posts as this preachy and almighty speech about how you should stop drinking too.  NO!!!  It’s actually the opposite.  It’s my public apology to myself and to the world about all of those limiting beliefs, judgements, and disconnection I had from people in the name of “having fun.”  Through this process I have learned to love.  I had to start with myself and once I had that covered I now have love for you too.  We are all in this together.  We are all trying to figure out our place, our purpose.  

   6. Ok, I know I said 5 but there’s just one more that I think has been the BEST part. I have made new friends. At my age and this stage in life I didn’t really think that i would be making new friends. I have met some of the best people (and strengthened friendships that were once just acquaintances) and I feel so grateful! I once thought that by no longer drinking I would lose all of my friends. It’s actually been quite the opposite.

I tried so hard to control the outcome of this whole thing. I read and re read every single word searching endlessly for someone to tell me exactly what I would feel like on day 17 at 4p, or the first time I was offered a drink, or after a stressful day. I thought if I just predicted enough, learned enough, and thought about it enough I would be able to “arrive.” I can honestly say that I am so happy I am not yet “there.” I mean, these are the days.

It takes a lot of courage to be bad at something new but I promise you it is so so worth it. Where will you begin?