Why Thinking About Quitting Drinking Is Miserable

Thinking about quitting drinking? I get it. I did too. Almost daily for a long time. I would think about quitting drinking, google whether or not I was an alcoholic, think about all the consequences that I thought would be associated with quitting, and then go right back to drinking-resigning to the fact that I was just not the “kind of person” that would live a sober lifestyle.

What I’ve learned from other sober people is that they kind of did the same thing. Change is hard (even harder if there’s a chemical involved making you think that you need it more than you do). While it’s a really good idea to consider the options and possibilities before making a big change, thinking about changing isn’t change. It’s just something we do that occupies space and buys us time.

Sometimes what we need is time. However the right time isn’t always what we think. For example, the best time to quit drinking doesn’t come along when all the bars are closed, there are no family obigations, and our calenders are cleared of all social events that might trigger us to drink for the rest of our lives. That sure would be nice (current events might make this a lot easier). Unfortunately though, if you’re thing is alcohol, you’ll likely never find a time when it’s not a factor. It’s everywhere.

The right time is often right now. The moment that we are again pondering or thinking about quitting drinking. In fact, the only regret I have about quitting drinking is not doing it sooner. Don’t we hear that a lot? People who’ve left marriages, changed jobs, lowered their cholesterol, ran a marathon, etc. usually say that they wish they’d done it sooner. They’ve discovered that the worries and fears holding them back were not what they thought. The positive outcomes of the change outweighed any negative consequences.

For me, I finally reached a point where thinking about quitting drinking was actually harder than just quitting drinking. Waking up trying to decide if it was the alcohol making me feel bad or if adulthood was, in fact, just that shitty was becoming exhausting. Worrying about ways to decrease my anxiety while having a hunch that alcohol might be contributing was making me uneasy. Wondering what life would be like alcohol-free was agonizing. Eventually, staying the same felt like it was no longer an option (even though I was in no way ready to change).

Discomfort and pain were the factors that led me to finally change. My pros/cons list was long gone. But why does is have to be that way? When did we start buying into the idea that we only change when things hit “rock bottom?” Why did I have to pile on more regrets, experience more anxiety, and more emotional suffering? Why weren’t the cons on my list enough-hangovers, increased anxiety, hating myself when I drank too much, embarrassing myself, etc.?

The one thing that I’ve learned from living alcohol-free is that I don’t know what I don’t know. I literally had no idea what it would be like to embrace an alcohol free lifestyle. I had never once in my life done that. Sure, there were times with no alcohol-pregnancy, cleanses, diets, illness, etc. but I always felt like drinking was a part of me. It was “what I did” and “who I was.” So no matter what I put down on those lists and how much time I spent thinking about what it would be like to not drink anymore, I really didn’t have a clue what I was talking about.

Thinking about quitting drinking is not quitting drinking. You can research, read, detail, and devise a plan. Maybe you plan to read a book or two, attend an AA meeting, only drink on Saturdays, drink wine instead of bourbon, only have drinks socially, only drink between the hours of 5-6, or when it’s fall, or at weddings. Maybe you want to watch that documentary first or listen to that podcast. Maybe you want to poll your friends or try to decide how every single person you’ve ever met in your life is going to feel about you once you stop. The reality is, you just won’t know what’s it’s like until you try. There’s a great quote out there (and I can’t remember who said it). It goes something like 100% of people who quit drinking all did this one thing. They quit drinking. It really is that simple. They just stopped opening the can or the bottle and putting it up to their lips and swallowing.

Start there and then work on figuring out the rest with the support that you need. For some people it might be rehabilitation, support groups, and lots of helpful resources. For me, it was unlearning, relearning, and trusting that, in time I would benefit. That my mind, body, and soul would reap the benefits of living a sober life.

Feel free to replace the word alcohol with that thing you’ve been agonizing about. What’s the thing that keeps you up at night or nags you everytime you do it? Maybe it used to be really fun and it served a great purpose so you think you should still hang on. Maybe it once brought you happiness and connection. But it’s just not doing that anymore and deep down you know that. Buuuuuutttttttt………change sucks and maybe you think that staying the same would be easier than changing. It’s usually not.

My suggestion is to go with something new. Since you already know what it’s like to drink-why not try making that pros/cons list as a more informed, diverse human who has had the experience as a drinker AND a non drinker? Once I did that my list changed A LOT:

PRO to Quitting: CONS to Quitting:

Alive N/A

5 Books That Have Helped My Anxiety

For me, books have been the gateway to mental, physical, and spiritual health. I’ve read my way through anxiety, to living alcohol free, and to changing my mindset time and time again. Below are a few of the the books that have helped me heal in many ways. It’s no surprise that I’ve found the authors of these books extending so much love and support during this difficult time.

The Universe Has Your Back by Gabby Bernstein

This book (and all of Gabby’s work has been monumental in helping me heal my anxiety). I had lost my way when it came to spirituality and she helped me believe in something bigger than myself.

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Braving the Wilderness by Brenè Brown

Right now we are in a vulnerable time. This book will explain why being vulnerable feels so hard and what we can do about it.

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How To Be Here by Rob Bell

This is a very simple explanation of the gifts that can come from staying in the moment.

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This Naked Mind by Annie Grace

I know it seems like drinking may help take your mind off things and ease anxiety. But that’s actually the opposite of what drinking does. This book will explain the toll that alcohol takes on your body as well as why you think you need it to relax.

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I Am Peace by Susan Verde

This is a children’s book. There are few lines in it that my family repeats regularly. It is so helpful in some physical and emotional ways to let go of worry.

If You’re Not Addressing Your Alcohol Use As Part Of Your Mental Health Regime You’re Probably Hindering Your Progress

I know, bad news bear here.  I’m reading a great book called Girl Walks Out of a Bar. I am on the chapter where she knows that she is having significant issues with alcohol addiction and wakes up crying every morning.  Instead of getting honest with herself about her alcohol use she decides to go to a psychiatrist and tell her about her sadness and onset of depression-leaving the part about the alcohol out.  She says she would rather go on living a life of angst, depression, sadness, and even dying early (if that’s what it cost) than to stop drinking.  

Look, regardless of much alcohol you’re drinking, it has an impact on your mental health. Many of us don’t see the harm as we pop our pills, followed by a couple glasses of wine, and lie to our doctors about how much we drink.  But, it does. Repeated alcohol use can boost your serotonin (feel good chemicals) temporarily, but over time it lowers serotonin in the long term making it harder for you to feel good when you’re not drinking. 

So while it may seem like it’s not hurting anything (and even helping a little) you might be surprised to know how much you are altering your brain.  This is pretty basic information but it’s really hard to find especially in our “Wine Is Self Care” culture.  We are constantly getting contradicting information about how good wine is for your mood.  

Everywhere we turn there is an event popping up telling us to come drink.  I just did a quick scroll through my feed and came up with tons of drinking events-Cocktails and Coats, Parents and Pints, Martinis and Mistletoe,  Yoga and Wine.

Every single event is advertising alcohol.  Why? Mostly because we are group of people who love to drink.  Drinking sells.  But let me be clear, WINE IS NOT SELF CARE.  Waking up with a hangover after a girls night (that was meant to help you relax) will not advance your mental health.

Does this mean you have to stop drinking?  I don’t know.  But I do know that if you are experiencing mental health issues and you have “tried everything” (except not drinking) then you are selling yourself short.  It’s worth doing some research and learning the facts. Sadly,  you might be thinking (much like Lisa thought in her book and much like I thought for a very a long time too)-drinking is the only thing that really makes me feel better.  It’s just not true long term. That’s kind of like saying you’re going out to eat ice cream and cake because you’re on a diet.

My favorite teacher Holly Whitaker once wrote, “If the effects of not drinking were available in a pill, it would be the best selling drug in history.”  Read that again. This is the absolute truth of what I have found in sobriety.  In this culture we all seem to be desperately seeking that “thing” that is going to make us feel better.  We wish for it, pray for it, talk about it, read about it, try different diets, try new workouts, different therapies, conferences, classes, more this, less that……..minus alcohol.  It’s the one thing we don’t touch. That’s because we have been conditioned to believe that if we are not alcoholics then we can and should continue drinking.

Now that I live in this place of being alcohol free it’s so clear to see the negative impact that the most dangerous drug on the market is having on us.  And as much as I try to never judge-when I hear about someone having significant mental health issues, I can’t help but wonder if they just  stopped drinking would their problems dissolve?  In some cases, I am positive that the answer is yes (especially if they heal the condition that got them drinking in the first place).

It’s ok to explore your drinking as part of taking care of yourself. It’s ok to ask questions about how alcohol might be affecting you. I give you permission. That doesn’t mean you have to go to rehab. It doesn’t mean that you are an alcoholic. It doesn’t mean that you have to stop drinking forever. But it might be the missing piece and so I encourage you to do some research. 

I will be here with you confirming the information that you find, nodding my head as you start to realize what’s happening with your brain, holding your hand to get you through those confusing and tough times, and laughing alongside you when you discover how much better you feel just because you stopped drinking.  Trust me, it’s worth addressing.

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you would like to have my exclusive gift of resources and informaation, get that right here.

How To Get Through The Long, Dark, and Cold Winter Without Drinking

Now that I don’t drink I have a massive amount of time on my hands.  It’s one of my most favorite things about being sober.  I no longer waste away the nights only to wake up to lost dreams, excuses, and dead wishes.

But in the beginning this extra time felt more like a curse than a blessing.  The nights (especially in the winter) were so painfully long.  There were times I didn’t know if I would be able to make it through. 

With two small children, work, and a boatload of mediocre obligations I felt bored out of my mind with my life.  I had arrived at the ever so yearned for adulthood and I thought it sucked!  Girls night out, date night, mom’s night, and every other kind of fun event were fewer and further between.  If I did get the opportunity to make plans I sometimes had to cancel because one of the kids was sick or someone was having a bad night.  I recently read a quote that said something like "adulthood is trading Saturday nights out and lazy Sunday brunches for kids birthday parties where everyone coughs.”  It’s true and I was bored.

Drinking at home felt like “doing something.”  It was like a mini party that I was having for myself as a reward for a day spent adulting.  It was like eating dessert after a workout and a healthy dinner.  It was something to look forward to that would entertain me at me most and numb me at least.  It helped me fast forward to the end of a long and mindless day of tasks that I didn’t really like doing.

It wasn’t until I stopped drinking that I discovered how much time drinking took up.  Drinking by myself, drinking with friends, going out and drinking, having drinks, meeting for drinks, happy hour, wine time, cheers here, and raise your glass there.  That was my life.

So when I stopped I was in shock at how many eons of time could occur between the hours of 5-9pm.  I’m talking time stopped.  I would pull out my tool bag of things to keep me busy and go down the whole list three times only to look up at the clock and realize that it had been two minutes.  I felt horribly defeated.  I didn’t know how to fill up the hours.

But as time went on I learned that getting sober wasn’t as much about quitting drinking but more about creating a life that I didn’t want to escape from. I learned that the definition of sober means “of sound mind.” I thought once I stopped drinking that all of my problems would dissolve and I would go on living a great life.  I bought into the lie that sobriety meant you just don’t drink.  It’s so much more.  

I started occupying my time with books and was quickly reminded of my love for reading.  Books turned into my new tiny party and I would crawl into my bed under my warm covers (way too early) and start to read the night away.  And soon books went from entertainment to learning.  I used books to help me change my mindset, learn new skills, and develop a plan for living intentionally, goal setting, and the list goes on.

I also taught myself to play the ukulele.  My daughter got a ukulele for Christmas and I stole it.  Like I literally stole it from her.  I learned how to tune it and then I didn’t want her touch it because tuning was hard. So I hid it in places she wouldn’t look for it and then I would sneak away, hide in my closet, and watch youtube videos of 12 year olds teaching other 12 year olds (and one 36 year old) how to play 4 basic chords.  I learned them all and taught myself hundreds of songs.  Then I annoyed the shit out of my family by playing for them every night.

After that, the creative juices started flowing.  I began writing, I started an essential oils business, this blog, I signed up for a year long workshop on how to write a book (and am happy to announce I am halfway through).  I attended other workshops, more reading, new projects, and started saying yes to everything that was presented to me. I opened my mind to allowing myself to create.

Up to this point, I had spent my entire life telling everyone (and believing) that I wasn’t a creative person.  But that’s not true.  We are all born to create something.  As a child it was forts, dance routines, and pretend classrooms as I played school in for hours on end.  I didn’t need to drink to be happy.  I wasn’t focused on how long the day was.  I filled the hours with wonder and imagination.  Why did we stop doing that when we became adults?  Why did we think our jobs (which may not be all that creative) replaced our innate desire to play?

Now, the time flies by. Instead of being filled with mundane and boring tasks (which obviously still happen) there are hours and hours of in between time where I am fulfilling my purpose, fine tuning my dreams, and finally playing again. I thought that partying was playing. It wasn’t. In fact, it’s the opposite. Drinking is deadening your instincts, taking away your inhibitions, and making weird brain pathways that don’t align with your natural state of being.

So, if you’re really in it right now and you’re trying to figure out how you’re going to do this sober thing while the sky is dark and the hours are long start thinking less about drinking and more about that thing that tugs on you when you’re quiet.  That thing that you really love but that you have pushed so far out of your life because it didn’t feel adult enough, achievable, or you’re not sure if you are worthy.  That thing that you have always wanted to do but it felt foolish or the timing was off.  Think about playing. Think about creating.

It can be as small as a journal entry or an apple pie. It can be as big as a business or an empire. But let yourself create and watch where it takes you…..

As always, thank you so very much for reading. Want to get more in depth with these posts for an ongoing conversation? If so, join my private facebook group here. And, if you’re looking for ideas to have an alcohol free weekend, get that right here.

It’s Been Two Years Since I've Had A Sip Of Alcohol. Here’s What I Want You To Know About Change.

Two. Years.  If someone would have told me two and a half years ago that I would be a non drinker I would have laughed in their face. I am very impulsive and impatient. I have issues with follow through and I give up on things easily.  Most importantly,  I thought drinking was living. It thought it was fun, exciting, and the thing that set me free.  

When I stopped drinking, my original intention was to feel better physically.  All of that “living” had started to get the best of me and I had hit an emotional low.  While I definitely do feel better physically, that’s the the least exciting thing about what I’ve gained. What I learned is that drinking was holding me back from living my life.  It took up so much mental and physical time that I didn’t have room for much of anything else. Since eliminating alcohol from my life I have gained opportunity for growth.

If there is anything that you’re doing that is potentially holding you back from living your best life here’s what I want you to know…..

1. Change is hard as shit. But do you want to know what’s harder than change? Thinking about changing and staying in the same miserable place. Nothing creates more internal turmoil than wanting to change something and doing nothing about it. I know because I lived in that place for years. You must step into your power and make the first teeny move. Maybe that’s committing to one small adjustment in your behavior. Maybe it’s reading and learning more on the topic. Maybe it’s talking to someone about your needs. Regardless, without the first step, nothing is going to happen for you. No magical solution is going to arrive at your doorstep that will take away the discomfort of change. You can’t buy your way out of it or have someone else do it for you. You can’t think and hope your way to change without action. It all comes down to YOU. There will be unknowns, uncertainties, and you will be a beginner. Just like you were at your job before you got great at that. Just like you were before you learned to drive. And just like you were before you knew how to literally do anything that you have ever done. You will learn, it will get easier. In the words of Amelia Earhart “The Most Effective Way To Do It Is To Do It….”

   2. There is no “right time.”  Cousin Franny’s wedding next month shouldn’t be the thing holding you back.  There will always be something.  A wedding, a trip, a conference, an event, etc.  You don’t make change by clearing your social calendar for the rest of your life and never facing a challenge.  You make change by being successful at each point along the way while gaining confidence and skills as you learn.  It won’t be easy the first few times.  That’s ok.  

   3.  Using willpower will fail you.  This might be controversial but I attempted willpower hundreds of times and failed.  I wrote a whole post on this and I still believe that it won’t work.  Using willpower isn’t changing.  It’s a method to deprive yourself of doing something that you want to do. This will be hard and you will feel cheated, sad, and you may eventually break under pressure.  Changing your mindset and developing a strong WHY is changing.  And there are tools to help that are far better than willpower.  

Now, please excuse me for a sec while I grab my megaphone…….

THIS IS YOUR LIFE FRIENDS.  This is it!  There is no promise for tomorrow! There is no right time!  There is no excuse!   There is no when I get older or if I were younger!  There is no when I have more money, time, freedom, support!  The time to start living your life is right now!  

YOU WILL FAIL!  You will make mistakes.  You will embarrass yourself.  You will have to feel feelings.  You will have to be uncomfortable for a bit.  You will have to ask for help. This is called growth and it’s exhilarating and exciting!  

YOU HAVE A PURPOSE.  You do.  Each and every one of us was born with a purpose and no matter how big or how small it may feel it has meaning and it will bring joy. But, sometimes, instead of honoring that pull or stepping into our truth we avoid it, walk around it, dabble in and out, or pretend it’s not there.  We cover it up with our history, we hide behind our trauma, we make a long list of excuses, we pour chemicals all over it, and we try really hard to resist. This resistance is why we are unhappy.  Resisting is so much harder than just stepping into who were meant to be. I know this from years of experience.

Find a way to quiet all of the noise and listen to yourself. Listen to the messages and see what your heart is asking for. You might not hear it at first but keep listening. It will get louder and louder the more you quiet the noise of your ego, distractions, and avoidance. Once you hear it believe that you are worthy of this change. You are worthy of having a better life. You are worthy of wanting more. You are worthy of fulfilling your wildest dreams. You are worthy of happiness and joy!

My thing was drinking.  It’s what I used to hold me back because I was too scared to step into myself and give life my all.  What’s your thing?  What’s holding you back?  Where will you be in two years from now?

Related Posts About What I’ve Learned Since I Stopped Drinking:

5 Things That Helped Me Stop Drinking

Why Thinking About Quitting Drinking Is Miserable

I’ve Been Alcohol-Free for Three Years and Here’s What’s Shocked Me The Most

BUY MY BOOK

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You Don’t Have To Rely on Alcohol To Parent (The New T-Shirt)

Something is weighing heavy on me so I am just going to say it. Look, we can be moms and we can drink but we don’t need to drink to be moms. You know?

I had no idea what an impact the drinking mom culture was having on me. In fact, I thought it was innocent and mostly funny. I liked the t shirts, the letterboards, the memes, and the coffee mugs. It made me feel much better about my situation. It helped me justify my drinking. I was able to say the beloved words “everyone else is doing it.”

Now I know that not “everyone” is doing it and that most of the women making these claims probably have no idea the impact that kind of narrative has. They probaby aren’t over doing it. They probably aren’t blacking out. They probably aren’t waking up to shame and guilt. They probably aren’t overcome with anxiety. And they have probably never been oppressed by drugs or alcohol. Or, maybe they are but they have bought the same parenting=drinking crap that I bought.

I mean, anyone who has really “Rose’d all Day” (yes I turned that into a verb) can tell you that it isn’t cute or silly. I know this because I’ve been there. It starts out as a dainty pink wine on a beautiful spring day and turns into slurring, sobbing, a lost purse, a bruised knee, and a massive headache.

Why did I think it was funny to tell new moms that they should drink when they feel stressed with parenting? When did I start giving all of my power to alcohol when the going gets tough? How did I believe that using a harmful, highly addictive, depressant to make me feel better would work? And honestly, what’s so silly about being drunk and taking care of your kids?

I get it. Moms know that parenting is really hard. It’s isolating. There’s so much pressure and we feel like we’re not good enough, not worthy, and we’re insecure about so many decisions. We’re not all on the same page and so it can be really tough to support another’s moms’ choices when they can sometimes be so very different from your own. That creates divide.

But wine? I guess that’s something that we can all get behind. So many women have that in common and so it’s a place for moms to be neutral. Regardless of their specific parenting choices at least there’s still “common ground” and that feels good.

But is it really common ground for all moms?

As I look back I remember a time when I was very disconnected from this concept. I was volunteering with a group of women who were struggling with issues with drugs and alcohol. They were all moms and in some cases their children had been removed from their care because of lack of safety. Many of them were living in treatment facilities that focused on symptoms of addiction and how to “get clean.”

Once I attended a meeting at their group home. There was a lot of talk about sobriety and “staying clean.” At one point we held hands and prayed about being strong sober women. I remember thinking, oh this is good for “them.”

I was truly moved by the women, their stories, and the hardships they had to overcome. I held their babies and patted their backs and said “helpful” things like “you’re doing so great.” One woman stated that she had never been supported by another woman. Never. Not a mother, a close aunt, an older female friend, or a teacher.

When I got home I remember cracking open a few drinks and processing my experience with my husband. I had three or four beers, passed out, and slept through the night without a care in the world.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that drinking and parenting was something I had in common with these women. What I didn’t have in common was socioeconomic status, history of trauma, lack of support, less education, and a whole other host of bad luck leading to their situation. I had quite the opposite which is why my circumstances looked a lot different from theirs.

It would be fine (or even cute) for me to wear the t-shirts or post the memes on social media because I hadn’t been in trouble. I didn’t put my kids in danger (or at least to the point of having to have someone intervene). I didn’t make bad choices (according to society) and I didn’t live in a treatment facility. So I could crack jokes and make fun at my drinking without anyone batting an eye.

But what if these women wore a shirt that said Mommy’s Sippy Cup? How would society view them?

I have all the help, money, support, and access to resources that I could ever need and I still found myself using alcohol to numb the fact that I was scared, exhausted, terrified, and agitated with being a mom. I wish there were as many memes and shirts encouraging community, magnifying parenting strengths, and giving a message of support. Maybe I would have had a different mindset?

As I scroll through pinterest there are so many quotes, posters, signs, wine glasses, and tshirts. “The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine we have to drink.” “They whine I wine.” “It takes zero effort to love your kids but a glass of wine to tolerate them.” “Wine Wednesday, it’s like Taco Tuesday but for Moms.”

Come on.

Dad’s don’t do this. Dad’s don’t send each other messages that say let’s get drunk so we can take care of our kids. Dad’s don’t minimize their parenting skills to needing alcohol to get through. Dad’s don’t appear to require substances to parent. Why are we disempowering ourselves?

I think we can do better. There’s no doubt that we need common ground and support. But maybe our shirts and slogans should say things like “Therapy All Day” or “Let’s Get a Babysitter” (which are also limited options for some moms). Those don’t seem as cute do they?

Let’s empower each other. Not just some of the moms but all of the moms. Let’s stop telling the world that the only way we can do hard things is by being drunk. Because it’s not true. We are so much better and stronger.

I am not saying to make it look easy. And I am certainly not suggesting that we can’t have fun and crack some jokes at how hard this is. And maybe there is wine involved. But there’s SOOOO much more. Let’s be true, authentic, and real. We probably have a lot more in common than wine (like anxiety, stress, hurt, exhaustion, and all the things leading us to the wine to begin with). Can we find that as common ground instead?